My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Monday, December 26, 2005

The care and feeding of children

I don't have any children. But like most people who don't have any children, I have some pretty good ideas on how to raise them.
A lot of my friends at work have small children. I am always happy to dispense my advice to them. No one takes it, but I dispense it anyway.

And afterwards, I always say the same thing: "I should write a book."

Well, I don't have that kind of time. I'm a very busy man. But in the interests of making the world a better place to live, I feel it is my duty and responsibility to share with everyone my views on the subject.

No need to thank me.

  1. Diapers are expensive. Use old newpaper. Keep the babies out on the porch. That way, when the newspaper falls off due to baby's "business" you can just spray them clean with the hose and *poof* all clean! And then you can just hose the porch off.
  2. Oftentimes babies can be whiny and fidgety. Get yourself some duct tape and narcotic cough syrup. Employ liberal use of both.
  3. Sometimes it gets cold, and you can't keep baby on the porch. Teach them to use the cat's litter box when they're inside. Kill two birds with one stone.
  4. An old refrigerator makes a great fort for baby to play in.
  5. Babies need exercise. Set up a dog run in the backyard, put a collar on baby, and let him run wild!
  6. Sometimes babies wander off. Don't expend a lot of energy looking for them. They usually turn up. And if they don't, you can always have another.

I hope this helps. No need to thank me. I'm a giver.


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