My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

The Meaning of Christmas

I am not a religious fellow. But the years force a certain amount of wisdom upon you whether you like it or not. So I know a little bit about the meaning of Christmas.

It involves Jesus. And elves. And I think there is a snowman or two in there, as well.

Was Santa an elf? Jesus was an elf. Or he was raised by elves. Or he was raised by wolves. No, that's not right. Who was raised by wolves then? Maybe that feral kid from The Road Warrior. That was a good movie.

And there were Three Wise Men. And Three Stooges. And Three Amigos. And Three Days of the Condor, which was released in 1975 and starred Robert Redford back when he was a very attractive man. He would have made a dreamy Jesus.

Okay, so Jesus, Frosty, and Rudolph all moved to New York City and rented a loft together in Soho. But it wasn't a gay thing. In fact, Rudolph had a fiance back in Greenland. Her name was Felicia, and she had her own business, a nail salon. They had a good thing going.

Anyway...someone was born, right? No, everyone was already born. Born again, that's it! Frosty was born again when he wandered into a shelter in the Village, and met up with a street preacher named Artemis, who washed Frosty in the blood of the lamb and got him to accept Santa Claus as his personal savior.

So Rudolph went back to Greenland, and Frosty was born again, which is how he came to aquire that top hat. Everyone who is born again gets a top hat. Kind of like getting a toaster when you open a bank account. How come they don't do that anymore?

Jesus couldn't pay the rent on the loft by himself, so he was evicted. He became a street performer. I think he did an act involving sock puppets and origami. And no one ever heard from him again.

So Christmas commemorates Frosty the Snowman being born again. I'm not sure where the Christmas tree comes in. I don't think anyone does.

So then Frosty spent the rest of his days wandering around America, planting apple trees. And that is why we color eggs at Christmas. I think that's pretty clear.

Equally clear is that I should not be blogging at this hour of the morning.


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