My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year!

Like any bad guy trying to reform, I have made a number of New Year's resolutions. We'll see how far I get with any of them.

I resolve to stop stuffing my trousers with soft cheeses.
I resolve to stop having sexual relations with aliens from outside our solar system.
I resolve to stop licking toads. And Todds.
I resolve to stop barking at people on the street.
I resolve to stop insisting people call me Madame Sticky Buns.
I resolve to stop having anal sex with homeless people.
I resolve to stop with all the public urination.
I resolve to stop trying to force the neighborhood squirrels to watch opera.
I resolve to stop doing an impression of myself that is exactly the same except I'm a little taller.
I resolve to stop creating a scene in Mexican Restaurants when they won't bring me a Big Mac.
I resolve to stop confusing necrophilia with regular sex. Boy, that mortician was mad...

Already, the personal growth is making my genitals swell with pride!


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