My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Thursday, January 05, 2006


I'm all set for retirement. The key, my friends, is planning ahead. I will share some tips with you:

  • Go to Home Depot. Look at the refrigerators. Note which models are the biggest. This is important, because you are going to want a large cardboard box to live in, and if you know ahead of time what boxes to look for, you will be that much more ahead of the next guy.
  • It's true what that say in the real estate biz: location location location. You need to scout out a good place for your box. Underneath an overpass is always a good choice, but those spots fill up fast. If you want to live in the woods, make sure your spot is near a stream or creek--you'll need water for those sponge baths. Not all sewer grates are created equal--some are warmer than others. The devil is in the details, people!
  • Giant ball of string or pudding cup collection? Invisible friend or auditory hallucinations? You need to pick your schtick, your "thing", your je ne sais quoi. This is what will set you apart from the other homeless people. For God's sake, express yourself!
  • Keep plenty of tin foil on hand. You never know when you're going to need to quickly fashion a protective hat for when the aliens beam down microwaves so they can read your thoughts.
  • Always carry your bags of cans, mismatched shoes, and dead kittens in metal shopping carts, never plastic. Sure the plastic ones are a little lighter and easier to manuever, but in the long run, durability is key!
  • Use your head. It's a lot harder to be homeless in Lake Benton, MN than it is Miami, FL. Go where it's warmer for the greater part of the year, it will be much easier on your constitution. With the proper attitude and fashion sense, a scorned vagrant can become a beloved beach bum in no time at all!

I hope this has helped. I like to help people. It feels good.


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