My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Stump Speech

Good people, I am here today to tell you about a plague that is sweeping our great nation. A plague so preposterous, so egregious, that it is rending the very fabric of our society. Ladies and gentlemen, I am talking about the improper storage of ketchup and tuna in our households.

You scoff, but it is true! In kitchens all across this great land of ours, families are being denied the full benefits and pleasure of this wonderful condiment and this remarkable canned fish product. I've seen it with my own eyes! The facts are undeniable!

What I am about to tell you may shock you. If there are small ones in the audience, you might want to cover their little ears...

I am here today to start my crusade against...keeping ketchup in the refrigerator and tuna fish in the cupboard.

Oh, it pains me so to even utter those words.

Good people, it should be the other way around. Those who know me know that I have been passionate on this topic for many many years. Ketchup belongs in the cupboard and tuna fish belongs in the refrigerator. There can be no other way! We're living in a society, folks!

If you go to a restaurant, where is the ketchup? Nine times out of ten it's right there on the table. At the fast food restaurant, are the little ketchup packets they give you cold? Of course not.

Why on God's green earth would you want to put something cold on warm food? My burger is warm. My fries are warm. I like them warm. Why would I put cold ketchup on them?

Check the label of your letchup, gentle people. Does the label say to refrigerate after opening? It does not. Mustard does. Mayonnaise does. Ketchup does not.

Warm goes with warm.

And on the flip side, boys and girls, cold goes with cold. Let's say you want to whip up some tasty tuna fish sandwiches. You're going to need mayonnaise. You'll find it in the fridge. Maybe some celery? Also in the fridge. Lemon, ditto. But where's the can of tuna?

In the cupboard.

Now wouldn't it make sense, and make for a better sandwich, if the tuna was cold too? mouth is watering just talking about it. Can you see the logic people? Have you see the light?

If you won't do it for me, do it for the little boy who is crying because while trying to eat his delicious french fries, the cold ketchup hurts his little teeth. Do it for the little girl who is forced to choke down a mushy lukewarm tuna sandwich as tears well up in her eyes.

Think of the children.


Blogger Belle said...

Um perhaps it's because it says on the bottle of ketchup to refrigerate after opening?! I mean, it IS made from vegetables!

I don't eat canned tuna, too much mercury, but my canned salmon will stay in my pantry, no two ways about it, mister!

5:26 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Sigh...I must be one of those misunderstood geniuses...

4:30 PM  
Blogger Dixie said...

I put both in the refrigerator. Ketchup goes in there after it's opened because our ketchup has no preservatives. And tuna goes in the fridge for the same reason you've mentioned.

Do I get points for this?

5:02 PM  
Blogger Ivy the Goober said...

I don't have much use for ketchup these days, but I get highly ticked off when someone thinks my tabasco bottle belongs in the fridge. I have been using tabasco room temperature for about... uhhh, a lifetime and it hasn't killed me yet :)

5:28 PM  
Blogger merlinprincesse said...

Here in Canada (at least at my home) I keep the Ketchup in the cupboard... but it has the bad tendency to turn to a very deep red-black after 10 or 20 years... Stange isn't it?

6:18 PM  
Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...

I am contrite. I stand corrected.

7:33 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Everyone gets at least partial credit, except for TJ, who may or not be visited by the food police in the near future.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Belle said...

Kiss my ketchup bottle you misinformed tard, lol.

11:28 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Who told you about my unnatural attraction to botttled condiments?i

4:24 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

The same person who told me you like to spell the word "bottle" with too many "t's", lol.

5:44 PM  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

What's the big dealie-o? I put mayo on my burger and fries:)

PS: I keep both my ketchup and my tuna in the fridge.

1:26 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Nugget baby I LOVE my fries with mayo.

10:11 AM  
Blogger ShooShoo said...

Buzzed and reading your blog, I decided I needed a midnight stack of tuna *with* ketchup. Of course I added cheese just to make it extra-interesting. It was good!

My tuna only goes in the fridge after it's open. Ditto with our ketchup.

3:58 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Shooshoo: Tuna WITH ketchup? That, my friend, is an abomination.

5:30 AM  

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