My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I'm glad he's dead.

He was never funny. He was annoying. He's not the only one, but he's in my top five of cartoons that both suck and blow.

What comic do you hate?

Sign here please...

One of my hobbies is collecting autographs. I've been doing it for a long time, off and on. What I've found is, I will send out a bunch of requests all at once in a flurry when the mood strikes me, and then it might be a year before I get the urge again. I used to be more consistent, but one of the problems is that I seem to have run out of room:

And I just can't work up any enthusiasm for putting them in binders, although I have done that with the overflow. This is a picture of our den. I rarely use this computer, except for managing my iTunes library. I mostly use my laptop, Excalibur!, for everything else. The computer is more a home for our wireless router and printer than anything else.

The den is the only room in the house I am allowed to decorate. I can live with that. Mrs. Fabulous has a much better sense of style than I do. She subscribes to the theory that "less is more". Obviously, I cannot relate to that statement. Look here, I've even taken to stacking them on the ledge where I've run out of wall space. now it should be obvious that I have zero photography skills. Nice shot of a portion of the couch in the lower right corner. My work will never be confused with Prairie Girl, Gary, or Kirlin, among others.

What I can take a bit of pride in is that most visitors think that the den is the coolest room in the house. So I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

Although soon they may like the patio better.

And yes, I know they are a little crooked. Or a lot, in some cases. I had them pretty straight at one point, but then I got the bright idea to group them all according to how they were famous (sports, politics, music, etc.) and since I have all different kinds of frames, it is impossible to get them to hang straight, unless I want to quit my job and tend to them full time.

Anyway, that's my den. It's been a while since I sent any requests out. I'm in a lull.

Monday, February 27, 2006

It must be love...

We spent a lot of this weekend shopping for stuff for the house and moving stuff out to patio and a bunch of little odd jobs here and there. You know how it is. You do one task, and it spawns two or three others...

Mrs. Fab is just about as jazzed about this patio as I've seen her about anything. She was probably this jazzed when we originally bought the house, and maybe again when we had the Pergo flooring put in. But that's about it. It's a short list. The tile and the patio have really put her over the edge.

And me? Well, I like it. The house looks better. The value is increased. Our comfort and enjoyment levels will go up. I will reap the benefits too. But I'm not over the top head over heels basking in the afterglow sunshine and peppermints over the thing. I don't experience the same constant rush of pleasure that she does.

You know what does give me pleasure?

Seeing her over the top head over heels basking in the afterglow sunshine and peppermints over it all. That is what brings a smile to my face, and makes it all worth it.

OK, everybody all together "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"

It's true, though.

See? It's not all refrigerator humping and parking lot masturbation with me. I have depth.

Little known facts...

I saw this on a few sites today as I was bloghopping this afternoon, and it made me chuckle. So of course, I tried it.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Mr. Fabulous!

  1. Lightning strikes Mr. Fabulous over seven times every hour.
  2. Pacman was originally called Mr. Fabulousman.
  3. When provoked, Mr. Fabulous will swivel the tip of his abdomen and shoot a jet of boiling chemicals at his attacker!
  4. Mr. Fabulous can clean his ears with his tongue, which is over thirty-nine inches long.
  5. Wearing headphones for an hour will increase the amount of Mr. Fabulous in your ear 700 times.
  6. There are now more than 4000 satellites orbiting Mr. Fabulous.
  7. Mr. Fabulous can fly at an average speed of fifteen kilometres an hour.
  8. US gold coins used to say 'In Mr. Fabulous we trust'!
  9. It takes more than 500 peanuts to make Mr. Fabulous.
  10. If your ear itches, this means that someone is talking about Mr. Fabulous." method="get" style="background-color:#5F5F42;color:#CFCF95;padding:4px;text-align:center">I am interested in - do tell me about
Pretty impressed about Number 4 aren't you, ladies?

Proof that I am "street"

I saw this on Jozee's site and loved it. It figures Jozee would have something cool like this. She's from my hometown.

We cool.

Nothing but the best coming out of Noho, friends.

Word. Click here.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Best post EVER!

If you want all the mysteries of the universe revealed, your wildest dreams realized, and a chance to have virtual reality sex with the hot celebrity of your choice, click HERE.

It changed my life.

Thanks, Belinda!

This is all I need...

Back several months ago I listed my blog on BlogShares, which is the Fantasy Blog Stock Market.

But then I got distracted and forgot all about it. Until this morning. I had a little time, so I thought I'd try to find out what it was all about.

And I was hooked. I still don't understand how all of it works, but I started buying up shares like my life depended on it.

I tried to figure out which ones were undervalued, and which ones had a low P/E ratio and all that crap, but I got bored with that, and then just started buying shares in blogs I was familiar with.

How some of you got your stock prices up so high, I'll never know. Well, that's not true. I'll figure it out. Because now BlogShares is a fresh new blogging-related obsession for me.

And that's all I need.

Plus, now that I'm a stockholder in some of ya'll (I can say that, I've been in the south for 14 years) I may want some changes made.

Let's take a meeting.

The Quest!

Mrs. Fab wants a string of white lights around the inside of the patio. We had them up about a month ago, but the suction cup hooks wouldn't stick for very long, and they kept falling down. The enclosure is made of aluminum, and I guess the surface isn't very condusive to suction cups. Or something. I'm not a scientist.

So, we decided to get magnetic hooks instead to hang the lights. We procrastinated for a number of weeks, but then this week decided to by God get it done.

Those of you with a little more on the uptake than me will already sense a problem brewing.

So we're at Home Depot on Friday night (as many of you know...) and we can't find any. Or they're out. Or something. No sweat, I figure, I'll pick them up at Wal-Mart when I do my Saturday morning shopping.

Wal-Mart only had three packages, two hooks in each package. That's a start, but only about a quarter of what we need.

During all our shopping yesterday, we looked in Home Depot again, and a craft store we were in (to get my marathon stuff shadowboxed, bloody sock and all. I let the wife explain that).

No luck.

We get home and have dinner, but it's sticking in my craw that we can't hang the lights. I want to make Mrs. Fab happy. So I announce that I will embark on a quest that night to turn the town of Gainesville upside down if need be, to find the hooks. By God, my woman will have twinkly little lights this night!

So we get in the car and head out.

We go to the other Wal-Mart, across town. No luck. We go to the Family Dollar store. It's closed for remodeling. We go to another dollar store. Nothing. We go to Walgreens. Nada.

I will not be denied. I will not be deterred. I WILL NOT FAIL!

We head down to another part of town, to Lowe's. Nothing. My Lord, why have you forsaken me?

I'm tired. It's 8 PM. I've been up since 4 AM. And I have not had my usual Saturday afternoon nap. I've been busy busy busy all day. My body is shutting down. But I marshall what inner strength I have left, and we press on.

To Target.

And lo and behold, we are successful! We reap a bountiful harvest of magnetic hooks. The Gods are smiling upon us! Fortune is ours, this day! We stride out of the store with our bag, beaming, our steps a little lighter, our hearts a little gladder. The quest has been successful. We are victorious! I am on top of the world. Nothing feels better than embarking on a quest and seeing it through to a successful and satisfying conclusion.

Well, except for getting strapped into one of those Vietnamese spin fuck chairs.

We drive home. I rip open the packages and fill my pockets with hooks and climb the ladder with the lights to make my lady's dreams come true...

I am a great husband. I am her hero. I am Mr. Fabulous!

Filled with a sense of purpose and with a grand flourish I put the first hook in place.

And it falls to the floor.

Magnets don't stick to aluminum.

Tag I'm it...

I have been tagged by the fabulous T (the Heartlander one, not the Bay Stater one) and so I am duty bound to reply. It's the law.

5 Things Game

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Hmm..1996. Living in Laurens, SC and working for National Finance up in Greenville. Mrs. Fab worked for Avery Dennison over in Clinton. We lived just far enough from her family so that it was a pain for them to visit, which was nice. I don't think we had quite decided to try to move to Florida, but we were close to it...

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Probably a lot of the stuff I do now. I really can't think of all that much that has changed. Oh, it might have been right around this time that we decided to have the patio built onto the house. And now a year later, we are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Five snacks I enjoy:
Dee-Lites ice cream
String cheese
Fruit cups
Slim jims

Five songs to which I know all the lyrics:
American Pie--Don McLean
Piano Man--Billy Joel
The River--Bruce Springsteen
American Girl--Tom Petty
Maureen--Fountains of Wayne

Five things I would do if I were a millionaire:
(OK, I am going to assume that we're talking about several million dollars)
Pay off the house and whatever debt we have (I have no idea what that is)
Buy a house on Anna Maria Island in Florida
Buy a bloodmobile for the blood center
Invest the rest
Continue to work, but not put up with any shit

Five bad habits:
Leaving my sneakers strewn about the house
Not writing things down
Once someone gets on my bad side, allowing very little opportunity for them to redeem themselves
Not exercising enough
Procrastinating when it comes to little jobs around the house

Five things I like doing:
Spending time with Mrs. Fabulous, regardless of what we're doing
Driving. I like to drive long distances, I find it relaxing, which is one of the reasons I drive instead of flying when I travel
Going to the movies
Going to the beach
Showing off

Five things I would never buy, wear, or get new again:
There was that leisure suit...
Ditto the bell bottoms...
A timeshare
A bowling ball (the ones at the lanes are fine)
A fishing rod (I gave it up)

Five favorite toys:
My new laptop
My iPod
My XM radio
My blog (that counts!)
My digital camera

Here's the deal: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot:

Straight Talk from the Mom
I want my candy back...
Lukewarm Mama
Just for Future Reference
Pointless Drivel

Then select five people to tag:
I'm Just a Girl...
Mississippi Mud Pie
Lori N Florida
The Disparate Housewife
Stuck on Stupid

And it's just that simple!

Dear Lord, why can't I sleep?

Saturday, February 25, 2006

This is why you can't take me anywhere...

Get the best of a side-by-side and bottom-freezer in one with a Maytag® Ice2O™ French Door bottom-freezer refrigerator! It's the first French Door with a water and ice dispenser on the outside. Plus it offers the most fresh food capacity inside (among leading brands of refrigerators.) Fresh food is at eye level with twin refrigerator doors that fit any kitchen design. ENERGY STAR-qualified for lower utility bills, the MFI2568 fits 24.9 cu. ft. of groceries. The electronic Quad-Cool system monitors temperatures in the fresh food compartment, freezer and outside the refrigerator, optimizing cooling automatically. The PuriClean® II filter provides great-tasting water and ice; the Elevator™ shelf makes room without unloading food, rolling up and down smoothly to accommodate tall items. The SmoothClose™ glide-out freezer drawer is easy to open and close. And for peace of mind, every Maytag® refrigerator is protected by the Maytag® Dependable Performance Warranty.

First French Door with filtered/external ice/water dispenser - purified ice and water at your fingertips

Largest fresh food capacity available among leading brands of refrigerators

Elevator™ shelf rolls up and down to accommodate tall items

Beverage Chiller™ compartment keeps drinks up to four degrees colder than the rest of the refrigerator

Wide-N-Fresh™ deli drawer - full-width temperature controlled drawer is great for storing snacks or deli trays

Electronic Quad-Cool system - four sensors monitor and adjust temperatures for dependable performance

Vacation Mode limits automatic defrosting when it's not needed, so freezer temperatures remain stable and energy is conserved

Temp Alarm features sounds alarm if temperatures rise to unacceptable levels

Door Ajar Alarm alerts you if fresh food or freezer door is left open for four minutes

MaxCool setting drops compartment temperatures to more quickly cool warm groceries that have been loaded into the refrigerator and freezer

ENERGY STAR qualified exceeds federal energy standards by 15%

QuietSeries 200 sound package - our quietest operating refrigerators

Electronic ice and water dispenser - purified ice and water are at your fingertips

PuriClean® II retractable water filter - our longest lasting water filter ever, with a one-year/750-gallon capacity

Adjustable Spill-Catcher™ shelves - sealed edges contain spills for quick and easy cleanup

Built-in door organizer holds cans, 20-ounce bottles and yogurt containers to keep your fridge in order

Look at that refrigerator. Will you look at that bad boy? I am drooling as we speak.

I want that refrigerator. I don't know why I want it. We don't need it. Our current refrigerator is a tad old, but it keeps everything cold. But this one is soooo sweet. It's got everything!

It's on display in our local Home Depot. Every time we're there, I have to stop and look at it. It is a thing of beauty. It is a work of art. It is the refrigerator of my dreams.

It is also $2500. The wife will not even entertain a discussion about it, except to tell me to get away from it. Once she even snapped at me for pestering her about it. And she rarely snaps.

(Gee, I haven't told the dog story yet, have I?)

She can't see spending that kind of money (that we can't afford) on a refrigerator. She has no vision!

Anyway, Mrs. Fab and I were in Home Depot last night after dinner, picking up some things for the big house redecoration, when our travels inevitably brought us by the major appliances and, of course, my beautiful fridge, which is prominently displayed, as if to tease me.

In a wordless display of my love and affection for the appliance, I proceeded to walk up to the refrigerator, caress it, and begin humping it. Right there in the middle of Home Depot. For all to see.

Any kind of love is beautiful love.

Mrs. Fab was not pleased. I believed she barked out my full moniker, middle name and all.

I stopped. You dont fool around when the middle name comes out. Especially when it's used right off the bat.

That's why you can't take me anywhere. I don't know why I do these things.

Help me.

Friday, February 24, 2006


OK, I'm getting there, I think. I decided to do it geographically, kinda. It seemed the only unambiguous way to do it.

I still need to do more. Add some more categories, try to figure who fits best where. I know I won't be able to slot everyone, because some of you are cagey about where you live, but that's OK, I'll have a slot for that too.

I am very excited about breaking my blogroll up into smaller, bite-size chunks. Of course, this will probably prompt me to add even more blogs, but what the heck. There is just so much fabulousness out there.

I'm not happy with the spacing. It seems like there is too much space between blogrolls. But one step at a time.

Time for breakfast.

Better late than never...

I had meant to post this on President's Day.

Friday Odds and Ends

Today should be a low impact day a work. I just need to finish up a few projects today because I am out of the office a lot next week. Wednesday I am in Lecanto, Thursday I am in Ocala, and Friday and Saturday I am in Atlanta.

I have another reason to be pumped about the Pagan Blood Drive in Atlanta: it looks like I'm going to get a chance to meet one of my blogging buddies, Ginnie. She is in Atlanta right now, and she's going to pop in on Saturday. Very cool.

The contractors finished the tile yesterday, and now we have spanking new tile not only on our new patio but also in the bathrooms. Mrs. Fab is delighted. Already a couple of times I have caught her gazing adoringly at the tile, with a look that she used to save for me...

Just kidding, dear.

Now, of course, that patio has been tiled, this will spawn a whole chain reaction of decorating. Some stuff from the house is going on the patio, which means more stuff for the house, rearranging, redecorating, moving this here and that there...

The mind boggles.

I think I have figured out how I want to break my blogroll up, now I just have to figure out how to do it.

I am off to Blogrolling....

Have a great weekend everyone!

I promised myself...

I am not going to post anything about masturbation for what would be the third day in a row.

That last sentence didn't count.

However, this is for CP and Ms. M, who swear that semen is good for your skin.

Liz Phair Lyrics
H.W.C. Lyrics
Give it to me, don't give it away
Don't think about what the others say
My skins getting clear, my hairs so bright
All you do is fuck me every day and night

You're my secret beauty routine
Na, na, na, na, what my body has seen
I am lookin' good and I'm feeling nice
Baby you're the best magazine advice

Gimme your hot white cum
Gimme your hot white cum
Gimme your hot white cum
Gimme your hot white cum

I'm gonna pull you back down between the sheets
Everything is fresher when the day is sweet
In the morning light when you're already on the phone

Face it, one of these days
Without you I'm just another Dorian Gray
It's the fountain of youth
It's the meaning of life
So hot, so sweet, so wet my appetite

Gimme your hot white cum
Gimme your hot white cum
Gimme your hot white cum
Gimme your hot white cum

Face it, one of these days
Without you I'm just another Dorian Gray
It's the fountain of youth
It's the meaning of life
Baby you're the best magazine advice

Gimme your hot white cum
Gimme your hot white cum
Gimme your hot white cum
Gimme your hot white cum
Gimme your hot white cum
Gimme your hot white cum
Gimme your hot white cum
Gimme your hot white cum
Your hot white cum

That, my friends, is a lot of cum.

OK, I am done working blue for a while. I don't know what has possessed me this week. Very disturbing.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

She can't handle the truth!

Amanda, who works for the same company I do, approached me this afternoon to say she had read my blog the previous evening and found it disturbing. Particularly the part about the men I find I find attractive.

She also wanted to know if I was going to be in the same meeting as her this afternoon. Specifically the conference call I mentioned earlier this morning. I guess she was afraid I was going to whip it out and start spraying everyone at the table. I told her that I was going to be in the meeting, but luckily for her I just wasn’t in the mood.

In fact, as she came into the conference room, and she was just about to take the chair next to mine, she looked at me, and moved one seat down. She said she didn't want to risk getting hit by any "sprayage".

What I didn’t tell her is that I wasn’t in the mood because I had jacked off earlier during lunch at Taco Bell. I find the Pintos and Cheese taste just a little better when you mix a little semen in.

How’s that for disturbing, Amanda?

And honey, I’m sorry you had to read this.

I'm never happy...

I'm a glass half empty guy. Always have been. Probably always will be.

Last week I put up my Johari window and asked people to put their two cents in. So far twenty people have. By the way, if you still haven't contributed, it's not too late. Sing it, sister!

Now, you think I would be happy with these results:

Dominant traits:
70% think Mr. Fabulous is witty
55% think Mr. Fabulous is clever
55% think Mr. Fabulous is intelligent

And that's nice. Very nice. It really is. I appreciate it.

But once I get past that, I can't help but think about all the qualities that nobody picked.

I'm sick like that.

Adaptable Does this mean I am inflexible? Intractable? Set in my ways? What are you trying to say?

Brave Oh, I'm a coward now? I'm yellow? I'll fight you right now. I'll beat you like a red headed stepchild, punk!

Dignified Do you see me wearing a clown suit? Do I make in my pants? Am I pratfalling all over the place? Hmmm?

Helpful So you're saying I don't give a damn about anybody else? That I can't be bothered to give assistance to the "little people"?

Idealistic I'm jaded? Bitter? World weary? Well, I guess you've got a point there.

Introverted Um...can't really argue about that one either

Mature Now wait a minute. I'm a taxpayer. A homeowner. I hold down a good job. Just because I like to go out jogging in a thong with pantyhose on my head shouldn't mitigate all that!
Nervous No arguement there. I'm a cool cat, baby. You could skate on me.

Organized I really take exception to this. You should see my giant balls (easy now!) of string and tin foil, my paper clip collection, and my collection of strands of my co-worker's hair. Very organized!

Patient What do you mean. Huh? Answer me. I haven't got all God damn day!

Powerful I'm a weakling? I'm ineffectual? I've got no juice? You wanna arm wrestle? C'mon!

Proud Hey, I'm proud of my various collections (see above).

Quiet I can be very quiet. Like when I'm in the library, or when I am burglarizing a house. Or when I'm sneaking up behind one of my enemies and sliding the knife between his ribs...

Religious Not true. I am passionate in my devotion to Lucifer and his dark minions.


Searching Well, you've got me there. I've already found the answer. Lucifer and his dark minions. Weren't you paying attention?

Self-conscious Don't look at me. Don't look at me!

Shy I guess if I talk about masturbating in parking lots and on conference calls, I'm not shy. Good point.

Sympathetic I am very sympathetic and concerned about the plights

Tense Well, this might be true. Everyone tells me I need to relax and get a massage. But when I try to book an appointment they always hang up on me when I ask about a happy ending.

Now, don't go and pick any of these if you don't feel it. Choose with your heart, because we are so close, you and I.

I like pepperjack cheese.

Maybe I was training for Fear Factor...

I have a horrible memory. But one memory I have retained from my much younger days, when I was of elementary school age, is a fondness for sardine sandwiches. But not just sardine sandwiches. Sardine sandwiches with sugar liberally spread on the sardines.

And another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

The only other weird concoction I can remember eating is about six or seven years ago I developed a fondness for plain tuna out of the can, dumped in a bowl and mixed up with mustard and cottage cheese. It was not a phase that lasted a long time. Maybe a few months.

What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten on a regular basis?

Hey now, keep it clean people! You know who you are!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

It's even bigger now...

Nope. Still talking about the blogroll. What's wrong with you people?

I added even more today. I don't know if they are all listed yet. There are too many good blogs out there!

I need to figure out a way to break it up someone into manageable pieces. But how? Alphabetically? Geographically? By gender? By fetish? By IQ? By height? Weight? Eye color?

I don't know. But I gotta do something.

The dentist appointment went smoothly. I went back to to work afterwards. I'll masturbate tomorrow during a conference call I have at 3 PM. I already put it on my calendar in Outlook.

Stupid Wednesday

I am bagged out. And I got enough sleep, for a change. But I'm still bagged out. It must be the Nyquil I took last night. I have a bad habit of not measuring the dosage. Instead of making sure I don't take more than that little cupful, I drink it straight from the bottle like a guy with a canteen crossing the desert. And in part I must blame Mrs. Fab. Last night she urged me to finish the bottle as if I was in a beer chugging contest at a frat house.

What is up her sleeve?

Yesterday, on the advice of some people at work, I drained my blisters. I know, charming, huh? By the end of the day I had quite a collection of bloody paper towels in my trash basket. Hey, just be glad I'm not posting any pictures!

Today is our weekly system-wide Wednesday Morning Meeting at work, where we review the previous week and look ahead for the next several. My report is not good. We are not where we need to be. If I listen very closely, I can hear the gallows being constructed outside the Var Heyl building on the campus...

I think I'm too bagged out to even drop my dry cleaning off today.

Plus I have a dentist appointment today. Yippee. And it's at a horrible time. 3 PM. It will be over by 4 PM. Do I go home? Seems too early to go home. Do I go back to work? Seems like a waste to go back for just a little while. Maybe I'll just sit in the parking lot and masturbate.

Did I just say masturbate?

Blame it on the Nyquil.

Mr. Fabulous' Five Factor Profile

I saw this at both June's and Barefoot Cajun's blogs and they both seemed to think this test was pretty accurate, so of course I decided to heist it for my own. I am such a whore.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile
You have high extroversion.You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!"
You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.
You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.
You have low neuroticism.You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is high.In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.
The Five Factor Personality Test

I too, think it is pretty accurate. Pretty impressive. You can take it here.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Guys I would "do"

The post about Brett Favre got me thinking about other famous men I think are good looking.

Dan Marino, of course. I could get lost in those deep blue eyes of his. Sigh.....

Lots of good looking guys in country music. For my money, Brad Paisley and Toby Keith are my men.
They are certainly not the same type of guy, but they both are good looking and have a good sense of humor. Their videos are very entertaining. I love a man who can make me laugh. Don't you?
I'm not really attracted to many actors, but Charlie Sheen has always been very appealing to me. And now that I think about it, John Cusack is my kind of fella too.
If you are a fan of Clean Sweep, I am sure you know what I'm talking about when I say that Eric Stromer makes me swoon. Likewise on Sell This House, Roger Hazard and his big strong arms hold me in rapt attention.
Ooh, and I musn't forget Dan Patrick from ESPN. Yummy!

Okay, perhaps that is enough for now. I'm starting to feel a little funny.

I better not leave the house...

My friend Karen sent me a survival quiz. I took it and didn't do so good.

My results: You scored 10 out of 17. You're alive...but badly injured or maimed for life.

That can't be good.

You can take the quiz here.

About damn time...

TULSA, Okla. - A family sitting down to dinner had to call police and an ambulance after a man allegedly bit off the nose of his girlfriend, authorities said.
Jody Bennett came out of a back room of a north Tulsa residence on Thursday with a napkin over her face and said her boyfriend, identified as Greg Hill, had bitten her nose.
Medics responding to the house saw that Bennett's nose had been severed and called police.
Finally. It's about time a woman lost an appendage. There has been entirely too much weenie whacking going on this world since Lorena Bobbitt.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Ooh, it's getting so big and long...

Not that. Perverts.

My blogroll.

I added a bunch more blogs today of people I enjoy reading. I don't know how I'm going to keep up with them all.

I wonder if my boss would mind if I cut down my work week to four days.

I need women!

Well, not like that, silly. Specifically, I need the opinion of women.

You see, I think I have a really kick-ass idea. And I need a focus group. And you are it.

Why specifically women? Because only women go to the gynecologist.

Okay, maybe I better explain.

Mrs. Fab is the practice manager for the largest OB-GYN practice in town. And, naturally, the company is a huge supporter of March of Dimes. For the last several years they have not only fielded a team, but have also manned one of the spirit booths along the route for the annual March of Dimes Walk-A-Thon. And they always go all out. Their booth always has a cool theme and is always voted one of the better booths if not the best each year.

But money is harder to raise than it used to be. Drug reps are more limited in what they can do, and it just seems harder and harder to raise money through selling the little stuffed animals, etc. The doctors also contribute money every year, but Mrs. F is fretting that they will not come anywhere close this year to the amount they usually raise.

Enter Mr. Fabulous: Visionary!

Everything these days is all about sponsorship. Sporting events are named after sponsors. So are stadiums. Why not have, say, the exam rooms sponsored by drug companies?

They have approximately 40 exam rooms. Have a sponsorship cost $2000 for one year. What that gets them is a plaque recognizing them as the sponsor, along with a listing of their products, as well as a line making it clear that all money from the sponsorship goes directly to the March of Dimes.

This way, assuming they can sell all the sponsorships:
  1. They raise $80,000 before they do anything else, which is more than several times what they raised during their best year
  2. The doctors don't have to make up the shortfall every year, which saves them money
  3. The fact that the money all goes toward a good cause would, I should think, take the bad taste out of anyone's mouth who didn't like the idea of commercial sponsorship
  4. The drug companies look good because they are publicly recognized as good corporate citizens

Mrs. Fab kind of likes the idea, but is convinced the doctors wouldn't go for it because they are not big fans of the drug companies or the reps. But I think they need to look beyond that, to the greater good. It's all about the babies and preventing birth defects.

So, my question for you, ladies, is if you were to go to your gynecologist, and he was doing something similar, what would your opinion be? Would you think the doctor was selling out, or going too commercial, or would the fact that it was all for charity make it okay?

What do you think?

Survey Says...

Pamela over at New Century Notebook is working on a book about blogging and journal keeping. If you have the time and are so inclined, she has a survey she would love to have you fill out. Just contact her and she will be happy to send it to you.

She especially needs more responses from male bloggers. Apparently men are less inclined to participate than women.

Well, I guess all guys can't be as sensitive and accomodating as I am!

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Odds and ends...

Mrs. Fab and I had a disgreeement the other day. One of Brett Favre's commercials came on and I remarked how I thought he was a good looking guy.

She was actually appalled. She didn't think he was attractive at all and couldn't believe I did. She thinks he's goofy looking. I do not concur. I think he is ruggedly handsome.

I guess I'll have to make the call in the morning about whether or not I need to try to get in to see my doctor tomorrow about my feet. I can't really take any chances, since I'm diabetic.

I've decided to have my number, medal, and bloody sock framed. I'm gonna hang it in my office.

I knew I'd get sick. I'm losing my voice. It's a nice break for the wife, though.

It is done

We finished. And a little quicker than we had thought we would. And we made a friend along the way.

But Jesus Christ, me no feel so good.

We kicked off at 7:30 AM; Carolyn, Christine, Lindsay, JD, and me.

Mile One: We picked up our new friend Larry. Larry is a homeless guy, apparently. And he attached himself to our little group. Specifically to JD, who began to move ahead of the rest of us to get away from him.

Mile Two: It becomes apparent that we are going to finish very close to last. We're keeping up a pretty good pace, but just about everyone else seems to be faster. Larry is quite verbose, and can rattle off some impressive dates and facts about all sorts of things. However, he does not smell all that fresh. We're not too concerned. We're sure he can't make the whole 13.3 miles. One of his sneakers is untied. We point it out, but he says it helps him.

Mile Three: JD gives up any pretense of being with the team, and gets far ahead of us. This is a risky move, since Carolyn is his boss and he needs my office for a whole bunch of things. But he is obsessed with not being last. Which it now seems we will be. A glance back shows no one behind us. There were some, but they must have dropped out.

Mile Four: I start to realize this is going to be a long morning. JD is gone, but Larry is still with us. He's very excited about the promise of food at the end of this thing. I've told him that the water stations will have pancakes, but of course I am lying to him. At the least the weather is perfect. It's overcast and probably in the high 50's with periodic misting. Carolyn and I like it, but Christine and Lindsay think it's too cold.

Mile Five: Too many hills for my taste. My fingers are swelling up like sausage casings. None of us have trained for this. And it is starting to look like that wasn't a very good idea. We were perhaps a bit too cavalier about the whole enterprise. You can't just flick a switch and go from couch potato to long distance walker in the blink of an eye.

Mile Six: Jesue, not even halfway yet. There seem to be two sets of markers. There are big blue flags that announce the next mile, but the official marker is another quarter mile or so down the road. It is very confusing. There are support vehicles and police directly behind us, because it is obvious that there is not going to be anyone after us. Larry is still with us.

Mile Seven: We are now at the point where when volunteers along the route shout their encouragement or passing cars honk their horns we mutter under our breath such pleasantries as shut up, bite me, die, please don't cheer. I point out to Larry for the upteenth time that his shoelace is untied. He treats each new observation as if it was the first. We share many laughs at his expense. I feel bad about it. Well, no I don't. We have to make our fun where we can.

Mile Eight: I'm not sure, but I think I can taste my spleen. Now we begin to complain about our aches and pains. Legs, hips, calves, shoulders, ankles. Larry is the only one who does not complain. Everytime we hit a water tent he stops and gets about 5 cups of Gatorade. We continue on ahead of him, hoping against hope that he will drop out for good, but damn it if he doesn't trot back up to catch up every single fucking time. For what is probably the flattest state in the union, there sure are a lot of damn hills on this course.

Mile Nine: Carolyn's husband, Rick, joins us. He's already run and finished the half, but he comes back and walks with us for support. He is annoyingly upbeat. We are all starting to get that thousand yard stare. And most of us have to pee but we're afraid to stop for fear we won't be able to get going again. It becomes obvious to me that I am not over that cold I was trying to fight off, and I think I am going to pay for that down the line. Larry asks for what seems the hundreth time if there will be food at the end.

Mile Ten: As we begin to hit the UF campus we lose the support people behind us. In fact, we're out here all alone, and if Rick isn't with us, we might have gotten off track. The area here is not very clearly marked. Having already been through it once, he keeps us on the straight and narrow. The aches and pains are adding up and becoming more clearly defined. At every turn of the course I expect to see a white light beckoning me.

Mile Eleven: I start to see dead relatives. There's Grammy. And Grandpa. And my brother Chris, who, while not technically dead, works for Microsoft. So he is a souless entitity. Lindsay has rocks in her shoes but won't stop. It occurs to me that most people marching like we are usually have guns at their backs. I get in a shouting match with a mouthy cop along the route, but I stop myself before I get into any trouble. I neglect to get his badge number, which ticks me off.

Mile Twelve: We finally stop for a bathroom break. Port-O-Lets are delightful, aren't they? I've brought some Aleve, and pass it around. Even though we are getting close to the end, I find myself dreaming of the grave and praying for the sweet release of death. I'm pretty sure at least one of my lungs has collapsed, and I dropped a kidney somewhere around the football stadium. I bet that's gonna be a problem down the line.

Mile Thirteen: As we close in on the finish line, you would think we would be happy. But the complaints about our physical ailments are louder, and we are now cursing freely. Rick keeps trying to motivate us and Carolyn keeps telling him to shut up. Rick has been good with Larry (who is still with us!) and has been keeping him busy. We just want it to end.

We hit the finish line at about 4:05:37, which is about 25 minutes better than we thought we would do. And even though we are the last half marathon walkers (there are still full marathon runners coming in) at least we entered and at least we finished. And we got cool medals. Larry spies the pizza tent and forgets all about us.

It isn't long before we catch a ride over to our cars and then drive to Texas Roadhouse, where we eat ourselves stupid and compare how badly we feel. By the time we finish, after having sat down for an hour, we can barely shuffle out of the restaurant. I get a glimpse of what Christine will look like in fifty years, a little old lady hobbling along creakily.

Once I get home and take off my shoes, it becomes evident I've got a problem. My left sock is all bloody. I've got bruising under several toes, including both big toes, and bleeding blisters on other toes, and a HUGE blister on the underside of my left foot. It's too early to tell how many toenails I'm going to lose, but I will certainly lose some. Charming.

A hot shower and a quick nap do little to make me feel better. I have taken tomorrow off, and that is starting to look like a very good move.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

We who are about to die salute you

I went down and signed in and weighed in and got my packet for the marathon tomorrow. I'm number 384.

It should actually be fun. There are a number of us who are planning to walk together. None of us have trained. I have barely been out walking in many weeks because it has been too cold (not at all because I am lazy. Suuure...)

For some reason certain lyrics from Billy Joel's Goodnight Saigon keep running through my head:

And we would all go down together
We said we'd all go down together
Yes we would all go down together

And when I really start to think about walking for about four and half hours:

We came in spastic
Like tameless horses
We left in plastic
As numbered corpses

Heck, we've already got the numbers.

I'm such a drama queen.

No, not Jumanji...

Like Chelle, I've seen this around and it seems vaguely interesting. So, naturally, I have decided to heist it.

It's a Johari window, of course! Pick the five or six adjectives that you think best describe me. Some of you know me in person, some of you know me through the blog, and some of you know me from your dreams...

Give it a shot. It's exhilarating! Mr. Fabulous' Johari window.

In other news...the marathon is now just a day away. Mrs. Fabulous kindly pointed out to me last evening that I was limping after just sitting in my recliner for a couple hours, and wondered aloud just how I was going to make it 13+ miles tomorrow morning.

Thanks, honey.

This just in...

I enjoy showering in the nude.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Home Sweet Home

I have an announcement.

To about every fifth car that was traveling on 285W and I-75S from between 6:05 AM and 6:30 AM this morning:

I want you. to. die.

And to the driver of that dark Ford pickup...yeah, you know who you are.

Fuck you.

Ahhh....mid 80's today. Much more like it.

Gonna miss that Dodge Durango. I felt like a soccer mom.

Back to work...

I am such a geek...

Well, a fantasy baseball geek, anyway.

About twenty minutes ago, while running through my blogroll, I remembered that two of my leagues were set to autodraft last night. You know what I did when I realized it? Gasped. Audibly.

I rushed over to Yahoo only to find that the draft hasn't kicked in yet. Whew. I want to be ready to swoop up undrafted players as soon as possible.

Now I am checking back every five minutes.

And I can see through Yahoo Messanger that there are two other managers in each league online. Hovering. Waiting to pounce.

I guess I won't be trying to go back to sleep.

Well, this is odd...

I think I am ovulating.


I don't need no steenking sleep...

Yesterday Nobodyyouknow made a comment warning me that they never wash the comforters in these hotel rooms.

Well, they better wash this one today after I'm gone, baby! And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

I almost want to just jump in the shower, pack, and head back now. Crash at the house for a few hours and then head into work around lunchtime, which is when I was originally going to get back. But today is Maid Day. Every other Friday we have a maid service come in and clean The Fortress of Solitude. And you never know when they're coming. And even if they could clean around my sleeping form I am physically incapable of remaining in the house when they are there. I would feel too much like some overlord or something...

So if I did head back I would hit Gainesville and get to work just about the time...that I would normally get to work. Fuck that. No upside.

And I can't work the morning and go home early today's Maid Day.

What circle of hell is this?


I have a vague recollection of what sleep is. I remember that it is a good thing. Someday I hope to do it again.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Too pooped to post....

Usually I respond to comments as quick as I can, but I just got back in from dinner and it will have to wait until tomorrow. Dinner was great (we ate at the Cheesecake Factory) and it was a blast to finally meet my new friends from Pagan Atlanta, Maura and Jody. It really felt as if I had known them a long time. I don't meet a lot of cool people on the road, but maybe my luck is changing.

I learned a lot about beads.

Anyway, we got all the details ironed out for the blood drive in a couple of weeks. Hey, if you are in Atlanta on Saturday March 4, stop in the center on Ashford Dunwoody from 10 AM to 5 PM.

Okay, time for bed. No sleep yesterday + long day today = not so Fabulous.

Now where did I put my pleather tong...

Undertakers and Anthropologists Beware!

Malevolent Rage-Fed Anthropologist-Beheading, Undertaker-Lacerating Ogre from the Underground Sanctuary
So get outta my way.

I am a misunderstood genius...

For some reason I am thinking about the guest bathroom I have to get started on next week.

Mrs. Fab has got all the colors picked out, and the paint, and the accessories, etc.

She did not care for my vision of what it should look like. My artistic concept of how we should do it.

Are you ready for this?

Black and red.

Either black walls and floor and red tub, sink toilet, etc. or red walls and floor with black tub, sink, toilet, etc.

And maybe a urinal. Why do public restrooms have to be the only one with urinals?

Now how cool would that bathroom be? Please! You're speechless, aren't you? You are picturing it in all its magnificence, tell the truth.

So am I a visionary, or a pinhead?

I am assuming there is no middle ground.

Just because you're paranoid...

...doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

The wee hours...

So...when it's your first night on the road, and it's 3:30 AM, and you've already been up for close to two hours with very little hope of getting back to sleep, and it's going to be a long day at work, and it seems, judging from the number of trips you've made to the bathroom, that last night's jambalya at the California Pizza Kitchen for some reason seems to have contained some sort of laxative, what is there left to do?

Why, check out other blogs, of course. Which, while reading Serra's blog, is where I found a test to measure my psychic abilities:

take the psi-q psychic test yourself
Apparently, it's not looking too good. I better hang on to my Magic 8 Ball.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Kicking back...

The hotel I'm staying at has a really comfortable bed with a nice thick comforter. And the hotel has wireless internet, which is nice because it enables me to blog in bed.

I won't tell you what I'm wearing, but it rhymes with pleather tong.

I'm ready for my closeup...

Here's a nifty little site. Discover the celebrity in you! I've been saving it for a day when I wouldn't be able to blog much. will allow you to upload a photo of yourself and their face recognition software will scan it and tell you what famous person you most resemble.

I got Kenneth Branagh, John Cleese, and Alec Baldwin. Branagh was the highest, at 54%.

Well, I also got about five others, but I had never heard of any of them.

Check it out, it's kinda cool. You have to register, but it's free.

Props to Anisa, which is where I got the idea.

Headed up the road...

I'm headed up to Atlanta this morning. It will be a quick trip, I'll be coming back on Friday afternoon. My boss and I are conducting an all day recruitment seminar on Thursday for all our recruiters in Georgia.

I like going to Atlanta. For one, it's a shorter drive than Birmingham (as long as there is no construction on I-75) and for another, the food is always good. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a good restaurant in the Perimeter section of town.

This will be the first road trip for Excalibur! We'll see how he performs on a road trip.

I am also hoping to get together with Maura and perhaps some other folks from Pagan Atlanta to talk about the blood drive we'll be having up there on the first Saturday in March.

The major downside, of course, is that I will miss Mrs. Fab terribly. Other various downsides of being on the road include less exercise, not eating as well, not sleeping well (although I don't sleep well anyway) and decreased time for blogging and related activities.

Oh, and the high cost of "escorts". Their prices are outrageous.

At least it's the same time zone. For some reason that little hour when I am in Alabama always messes me up.

And at least I've good a good rental car. Laura at the National counter hooked me up with a 2007 midnight blue Dodge Durango. It's huge. If I ever get into a high speed chase and need to run a roadblock or two, I am all set.

It's got a DVD player too, but of course that does me no good.

It's a sweet ride. Not quite sweet enough to be orgasm inducing, but if it was, it has the full leather package, so cleanup would be a breeze.

If there are two things I know plenty about, it's leather and bodily fluids.

But perhaps I've shared too much.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Excellent Poster

I shamelessly stole this from Freedom Girl. I have seen it on her blog for a while, and on a couple of others, and I liked it so much I decided to post it here.

Who likes Valentine's Day?

Yeah, it's a bullshit holiday. It's stupid. Moronic. A product of Madison Avenue and the greeting card, candy, and floral industries.

Of course, I got Mrs. Fab something. I'm not stupid, ya know.

I've been thinking about this. You know, love is not about just showing it on Valentine's Day. It's not about the occasional grand gesture. What is it about?

It's about how the first person taking a shower always leaves a towel out for the other.

It's about how I always make sure I put the toilet seat down after I'm through.

It's about how, after she's worked late into the night and finally comes home, I meet her at the door with a big hug.

It's about how she takes the foil off the new mustard even though she doesn't like mustard, but knows I do so she does it for my convenience.

It's about how whenever I'm traveling I always make sure I call her at 7:15 so I wake her up instead of the alarm clock.

It's about how if I go to bed before she does (which is often) she prewarms the electric blanket so I don't have to get into a cold bed.

It's about how she always calls in and fills my prescriptions to save me the trip, because the pharmacy is closer to her work than mine.

It's about the little things.

Brother, can you spare a dime?

The other morning I was at a convenience store getting a really big diet coke before heading into the office. As I was getting into the car I was approached by a fellow who began with the usual spiel:

"Hey man, sorry to bother you, I'm stuck here, my wife is over in the car over there..."

I shook my head. "Sorry man, can't do it."

As I closed the door he said "I just wanted to borrow your cell phone man. God bless you." And he walked away.

Am I a bad person?

Just a couple days before I gave a couple dollars to a homeless woman at an intersection. And the last time I was in Montgomery I gave a couple of bucks to another guy who approached me at a gas station. I can't do that stuff when Mrs. Fabulous is in the car. And that's all I can say about that (boy, this would be a great time to tell The Dog Story).

I don't have rules about it. It depends on my mood, I guess. I can't give money to everybody.
I'm not unsympathetic in most cases, but I have to live my life.

We give every year to the March of Dimes, The Ronald McDonald House, and the Nature Conservancy. We support the Sheriff's Boy's Ranch.

Gotta draw the line somewhere.

Monday, February 13, 2006


As I type this the temperature outside is in the mid-20's.

In Florida. In February.

Don't even get me started.


Cheeseburgers I have known...

A couple weeks ago Jason and Sharra and I went up to Conestoga's for some tasty Stogie Burgers for lunch. Jason was so proud of his that he took a picture of it. It's a full pound of beef and it is a little slice of heaven. And they'll cook it medium rare, which is how I like it. I lot of places will not go below medium these days. Mmmmmmmmm.... It's best burger in the greater Gainesville area in my opinion. These things are important to me.

I'll be up in Atlanta for a short trip this week (drive up Wednesday morning, come back Friday afternoon) and one of the nice things about that is that hopefully I will have a chance to have lunch at Fuddrucker's, another place to get one of the more fabulous burgers in the whole wide world.

Rounding out my holy trinity of burger joints is Cheeburger Cheeburger. But I rarely get a chance to eat there. When I do it's usually because there is one located somewhere we are vacationing. There is at least one in Birmingham, I think, but I am loathe to travel outside of my comfort zone up there.

Medium rare. With cheese. Drag it through the garden, baby.

Of alligators and skydiving

I had a conversation with my friend Maura up in Atlanta the other day. It was not the sort of conversation one normally has, I don't think.

Maura has a sense of adventure. Me, not so much. I like to go through as much of my life as possible not exposing myself to otherwise avoidable danger. It's just a rule I have.

The conversation turned to skydiving, and Maura indicated she would like to try it someday. I, of course, immediately brought up the subject of what would happen if the chute didn't open. Specifically, *SPLAT*.

She had a very enlightened attitude about it. She was okay with that, reasoning that the experience would be worth it. I thought that was a really cool viewpoint. Not one I would adopt in a million years, but cool nonetheless.

I can't remember how the conversation turned to alligators, but Maura indicated that she was afraid of them. Now, oddly, I am not. I've walked right by them before in Payne's Prairie. But I'm not stupid about it. I have a healthy respect for what they are capable of.

I felt it would be much cooler to die at the hands of an alligator than in a skydiving accident. We discussed that for a while. She initially disagreed, but slowly saw the reasoning, at least for a minute. At least until I pointed out that a person would become more of a legend if they got killed by an alligator because fewer people die in alligator attacks each year than die in skydiving accidents.

She drew the line at that, however, and would not concede that point. She felt skydiving deaths were the lower number. So I looked it up.

From 1948 to 1999, 9 people were reportedly killed by alligators. A lot more were attacked, but only 9 died. On average, 30 people every year die in skydiving accidents. So I was proven correct at least on that point.

There was no word on how many alligators died in skydiving accidents. Apparently those records are sealed.

And me? My preference is still to go down in a hail of gunfire.

Now that's a legend, baby.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

I was not all I could be...

Only one stuffed animal. It was not a banner day.

Not really my fault though. It was really too cold and windy a day to go to the fair. Attendance was way down, and I need a day with heavy attendance because my specialty is the water gun games, and you need a certain amount of players before they'll run the game, and no one was playing.

C'est la vie.

At least I got a chance to give the carnies a hard time. I wore a Dan Marino sweatshirt which was apparently a mistake because it gave the game operators something to call me by as we walked through the midway. "Hey Marino, over here! Hey, number 13, try your luck!" Yeesh.

At the basketball games: "Basketball sucks!"

At the softball games: "That game is for suckers!"

At the dart game: "I'm afraid of balloons."

At another dart game: "So how many do I have to win to get the large prize? Let's see...3, 3, 3, 2...11 wins. And how much do you suppose I would have to spend to do that, hmm?"
His reply: "Lighten up man, I'm not trying to sell you a Cadillac."

You know you've done your job when a carny tells you to lighten up.

At one point one of them yelled out to me "Hey, man, where did you get that bear?"
I yelled back "I blew a guy for it!"

My goal, if we had stayed another couple of hours, would be for all the carnies to whisper as we walked down the midway "See that guy? He's an asshole."

Oh well. Maybe next year. And by the way:
Ice cream of the future? And exactly how long has Dippin' Dots been the ice cream of the fucking future, about 25 years? When is the future going to get here? In what dimension?

Going to the fair!

We're headed down to the fair in Tampa this morning. It's going to be colder than I'd like, but this is the window we have to hit.

I don't ride the rides. But I love the games.

Vegas has set the over/under on stuffed animals I will win at eight.

I am hopeful there will be plenty of blogging fodder today.

Have a great Sunday, everybody!

The first taste is free...

Mrs. Fabulous reminded me yesterday of a conversation I had with the young man from whom I bought those magazines on Friday night that she felt I should post.

While he was filling out the order forms he offhandedly asked me what I do for a living.

I responded that I sold drugs.

He looked at me. "Seriously?" he asked.

I replied in the affirmative.

He smiled, clearly not yet buying it. "What kind?" he asked.

"Crack, crank," I replied. "Crystal meth. I've got a meth lab out back in the shed."


"Yep." I gave him my best serious deadpan look. I am a great liar.

He went back to filling out the forms.

Then he asked again "Seriously?"

"Seriously," I repeated. "Why? You're not going to turn me in, are you?"

"Oh, no way man, I would never do that."

"Damn right," I said. "I'd find you, kid."

"I bet you would. Don't worry, I wouldn't. That is so wild that you sell drugs, man."

"Why?" I asked. "You lookin' to buy?"



He paused. He looked at me and he practically whispered "Pot?"



"Yep. You interested?"

"Yeah, I'll buy a little."

Having nowhere to go from there, I came clean.

Oh, by the way, Mrs. Fab is going to cancel the magazine order.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

They can't all be gems...

The posts, I mean. This one is about nothing.

We wanted to go to the state fair in Tampa today, but the weather is going to be bad. So we're taking a chance that the weather will be more favorable tomorrow. If we miss it tomorrow we can't go because I've got the marathon next weekend, and we'll have to settle for the lesser experience of the Strawberry Festival in Plant City next month.

I meant to mention this a few weeks back when I had my physical. If you have lost weight since the doctor saw you last, and he asks you how you did it, and you reply "heroin", he doesn't think that's very funny.

On the way back from running errands this morning I was behind a car that had one of those Happy Bunny stickers. This one read "I know how you feel. I just don't care". But the car also had a Jesus fish on it. WTF?

The contractors got all the power into the patio yesterday. They were here longer than I thought they would be, but at least they got it done.

I was right about it not being much of a day off. I had to recharge my cell phone twice during the course of the day. Sheesh...

We're going to a movie today, and then to Home Depot to pick up some supplies. Last week when we were out to dinner I made the crazy offer to repaint and redecorate the guest bathroom however Mrs. F. wanted. This, despite my complete lack of skill in any area remotely connected to home improvement. The only thing I can think to attribute it to was the orgasmic wave of pleasure as I savored my lobster stuffed ravioli. Mmmmmmmmmm.... In fact, even now as I think about it...

Focus. I'm back.

Ok. That's it. Fab out!

Reason Number 15 Why My Wife Is Saint

She held her tongue last night while I bought $152 of magazine subscriptions from some kid who knocked on our door.

Of course, she couldn't protest at the time because she was in the bathtub. She could hear the transaction, but she was powerless to do anything to stop it.

Of course, as soon as he was gone, she was all "What the fuck did you just do?"

Oh, wait. That's not a very saintly thing to say...


Get all the facts...

Friday, February 10, 2006

I'm all spruced up!

Major props and big ups to Lisa at Design-A-Blog for this bitchin' new look she gave me with her mad skillz...

Ok. I can't talk like that. Obviously. Can't pull it off.

But she did a great job. And I think I was a bigger problem than I thought I would be. I came up with some ideas and they weren't workable. But we finally hit on something, and I am very pleased with the result. If you are feeling not so fresh and think it might be time for a change, I urge you to check them out.

Now that I don't have that to worry about, I can go back to figuring out why I can't get my blogroll to work right and why when I try to add a clock it screws up the whole template.

Baby steps.

Reason Number 34 Why My Wife Is A Saint...

It is "that time of the month" for Mrs. Fabulous.

This morning after I woke her up, she grumbled and stumbled toward the bathroom.

I can't remember how it came about, but a line came to me about "The land of cotton".

And that prompted me to march through the house singing

Oh, I'm glad I live in the land of cotton
Where menstral flow is not forgotten
Look away
Look away
Look away
Tampon man!

Come out come out wherever you are...

I see you there. You think I can't see you. But I can. I see all.

I know you are out there, peeking around corners, standing back in the shadows, drinking my milk straight from the carton instead of using a glass, not putting the seat down after you use my toilet, putting your drink directly on the coffee table instead of using a coaster, leaving your dirty socks on the floor, and leaving your dishes in the sink instead of putting them away in the dishwasher.

That's cool. I like lurkers. It's kind of like having a haunted house. You guys are the unseen spirits roaming through my estate. You mischievous little fellows. Mischievous but lovable.

I'll make you a deal. It's okay with me if you want to inhabit the spirit world. But how about a little love? You don't have to say anything, just let me know you're out there by placing a pin on my guestmap. Think of it as the spiritual equivalent of moving a chair by itself, or making the TV come on when it's unplugged, or making all the faucets mysteriously spew water.

And then you can go back to roaming the halls, making strange noises at night, frightening the rabbits, putting furniture up on the ceiling, and writing cryptic messages on the mirrors.

Be at peace, my little poltergeists.

Oh, and say hello to Carol Anne for me, please.


I was hit by a realization yesterday. It did not come in the form of a bolt of lightening, as I understand so many of them do. It was more like a tap on the shoulder. Which was fortunate, because I was driving at the time.

I am a proselytizer.

Not about religion (please!) Not about politics (boring!) Not about the evils of wearing fur, or global warming, or the rain forests, or any of a hundred other things that people get passionate enough about to try to inflict their opinions on other folks, either quietly or loudly.

It's about music for me. I don't want to come in your house to read you the bible. I want to come in your house to play some music for you.

Yesterday I burned a CD of Zydeco music for Christine to use during a Mardi Gras promotion coming up later this month. And I figured that as long as I was in my iTunes library I would burn a CD for her of music that I thought she might like.

I make quite a few CDs for people. I don't beat them over the head with it, but if a conversation arises about music and I see an opening for me to offer to burn them a CD or two, I always take it.

Sometimes they are CDs of all one artist. Sometimes they are compilations. I am passionate about music, and I just like to take the opportunity to expose people to tunage that gives me a lot of pleasure, in hopes that it will bring them some pleasure.

This was the CD: (My Canadian friends please note--no fewer than three Canadian artists included!)

Wanna Rock and Roll-Cross Canadian Ragweed
The dead man's name was Louis Dupree, I pushed the little button on my knife,
I walked up and I said "Well, hello boys and girls, have you enjoyed your life?"

The Obscenity Prayer (Give It to Me)-Rodney Crowell
I could learn to love this life I lead, just don’t take away the things I need
I feel rosey in the pink, just don’t make me stop and think
All those dark thoughts in my head seem like better left unsaid

Dixie Beauxderaunt-Dan Baird
She was born down in Thibodaux, Louisianne
The victim of a short attention span
She stayed in school just long enough
To say that she had quit

Gravel-Ani DiFranco
You've been juggling two women,
Like a stupid circus clown,
Telling us both we are the one
And maybe you can keep me
From ever being happy,
But you're not gonna stop me from having fun.

Shades of Gray-Robert Earl Keen
Right or wrong, black or white
Cross the line you're gonna pay
In the dawn before the light
Live and die by the shades of gray

Nobody But Me-The Pursuit of Happiness
Who's gonna hold your hand in church like I do
Who's gonna hold your head when you come home drunk
Who's gonna risk his life in your bed like I do
Who's gonna risk his freedom buying you your drugs

The Cheap and Evil Girl-Bree Sharp
And you fantasize about the ample
Milky thighs you'd like to sample
Vocalize to her example
Deep illegal sighs, oh it's a scandal

The Girl I Can't Forget-Fountains of Wayne
Well, she picked me up in a German car
And she took me out to an Irish bar
Where I drank some beer in a plastic cup
'Til I had some trouble standing up

Too Bad About Your Girl-The Donnas
It's too bad about your girl
She doesn't look like she's much fun
It's too bad you got a date tonight
Cause you're lookin' like you're the one

If I Had a Rocket Launcher-Bruce Cockburn
I want to raise every voice -- at least i've got to try.
Every time i think about it water rises to my eyes.
Situation desperate echoes of the victims cry
If I had a rocket launcher...some sonofabitch would die

Finishing Touches--Warren Zevon
You can screw everybody I've ever known
But I still won't talk to you on the phone
It's a hopeless cause-there's no use crying
And I can die, you can die,
We can die trying

Good As She Could Be--John Hiatt
Well she had a baby at eighteen
Never finished high school
Her husband beat her for money and sex
Till that cadillac finally ran out of fuel

Still In Hollywood--Concrete Blonde
And so it's three A.M, I'm out walking again
I'm just a spot on the sidewalk in a city of sin
He doesn't give a fuck, he's living under a truck
You know it coulda been me, guess it's just my luck

I Still Dream About You-Joan Jett
Every night I get this feeling inside
Anticipating what's gonna come
It's all I can do to keep my hands off my pie
When I think about the things we done

Brave New World--Michael Penn
This may not be my best day
But this ain't no golden age
You looked pretty on the freeway
Let's drive into the brave new world

Throwing Stones--Paula Cole
You're the puppeteer and I'm the puppet
You manipulate me with your real catholic shit
Everytime i try to talk it through
You turn it around and make us out to be
Like David and Goliath

Nervous In The Alley--Smashmouth
She's 15 and she's leaving home
Living on the streets where she don't feel alone
Daddy's always gone and mommy's on the sauce
Living in a mansion it's easy to get lost
She's going to a place where they understand
Baby on the way her womb's a garbage can

Low Impact Day

Ah, today is that rarest of all breeds, the beginning of a three day weekend.

Well, it's relative, really. I am sure I will receive at least a dozen phone calls from co-workers on my cell phone. And I brought my work laptop home, so I wont be able to stop myself from keeping tabs on my email.

But still. I'm at home. I can do all that without having to wear underwear.

The electrical contractor is supposed to come today to wire up the new patio, and the gutter company is supposed to come out to give me an estimate on the work we want done. I say "supposed to" because I never expect these guys to show up when they say they are going to.

We'll see.

I might actually get a chance to check up on all the blogs I usually like to read. I plan on rooting through the shed for some stuff I think I'm going to put on eBay. I'm gonna take my new Printshop and Corel software out for a spin.

It should be in the mid sixties today, so I'll open up some windows to let the fresh air in, crank up some tunes on the stereo, and bask in the day-offedness.

Well, that's the plan right now. We'll see how it plays out.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

A little self knowledge on a Thursday morning...

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by

Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Trait snapshot:
clean, self revealing, open, organized, outgoing, social, enjoys leadership and managing others, dominant, makes friends easily, does not like to be alone, assertive, hard working, finisher, optimistic, positive, likes to stand out, likes large parties, respects authority, practical, high self esteem, perfectionist, dislikes chaos, busy, not familiar with the dark side of life, controlling, high self control, traditional, tough, likes to fit in, conforming, brutally honest, takes precautions
Hmm...overall I guess I'll take it.
I saw this over at Just for Future Reference.
Four posts already today. I am en fuego.
I fixed the link. Sorry!

Feet of clay...

"Obviously, this week was a rough week for us, but that doesn't change the fact that Sheryl is an unbelievable lady, one of the smartest, wisest, most gifted people I've ever met and a person that I can honestly say has shown me a love that I never knew," he said.

Oh really? That's nice.

What about his first wife? The one who bore his children? The one who raised them while he was off cycling and training? The one who stood by him during his battle with cancer?

"A love I never knew."

Well, he may have been too self absorbed and narcissistic to know it, but I'm pretty sure it was there.

Fuck you, Lance. You're a shmuck.

Are you a sociopath?

A woman's mother dies.

Five days later they have a funeral for her. The woman circulates at the reception afterward, thanking people for attending. During the gathering she meets a man she immediately falls head over heels in love with. She thinks he's perfect. She thinks he is just the man she has been looking for. She can picture spending the rest of her life with this man.

Unfortunately she has other guests to attend to, and when she looks for him again, he's disappeared. Already left. Before she could get his name or find out where he lives or works. He's gone.

Fast forward two weeks.

This same woman kills her sister. Murders her.

Why does she kill her sister?

Not quite WKRP, but...

WGOG. Out of Walhalla, South Carolina.

In response to a post I made the other day, Billy suggested I write about my time as a radio station account executive. I was actually working on a post about all the jobs I've had, but this is a better idea. The other post was getting way too long. And if I'm going to write about one job, this is as good a choice as any, for one very different reason.

I sucked at it. It was the only job I ever failed at.

When we moved to South Carolina, and I had the opportunity to go to work for a radio station, I was thrilled. I had been a big radio fan my whole life, and having spent so many years in retail, I was a huge believer in the power of advertising. It was a perfect fit. Or so I thought.

It was a disaster.

First of all, the FM was easy listening music, and the AM was gospel. So I didn't even like to listen to my own station.

Second, you can't take a lifelong yankee from Massachusetts and plunk him down in the middle of Twiddle-Your-Ball-Sack, South Carolina and expect him to be embraced by the general population. I talked too fast for a lot of people. And what was considered hip and clever in Massachusetts was just considered weird in Walhalla. In Massachusetts I had developed the habit of calling people, male or female, "Babe".

That doesn't fly in rural South Carolina.

Third, they already had three salespeople. I was not replacing someone, my position was new. So, of course, all the good accounts were taken. I was left trying to sign new accounts. With people who, quite obviously, didn't "get" me.

Fourth, it was a small county and it was only a ten thousand watt station, so it's not like there was a lot of opportunity anyway.

Fifth, everyone who worked there was a Born Again Christian. Do you know how hard it is for me to watch what I say every minute of the day at work? It's brutal. No cursing, no taking the Lord's name in vain...

What a drag.

It was depressing. I hated going to work. I never, ever felt comfortable there. And I didn't make many sales. It wasn't long before I realized part of my problem was that I no longer believed what I was selling. A rinky dink station like that--we likely weren't doing anyone any good. It's tough to do a job like that if you really have no faith in the product.

And I am not a salesperson. I am not a hustler. If I had to sell cars, or real estate, or anything else for a living, I would starve. People always tell me they think I would be a great salesman because I have an easy, breezy, way with people that doesn't seem fake, and I am quick with a quip. But the fact of the matter is, I am absolutely no good at asking people for money. I have no problem asking a person to give blood, or a radio station to do a remote, or a merchant to supply some coupons for donors, or a company to hold a blood drive. But I can't ask people for money.

Except, of course, when I got in the loan business. But then I wasn't asking for money. I was asking for money back. Big difference.

The only cool part of it was the writing and recording of the commercials. I love anything that allows me to be creative. But it was the only consolation, and a scant one compared to everything else.

Oh, I almost forgot. We got paid once a month. How do you figure out a budget like that?

I quit. Marvin, the sales manager, wanted me to stick it out because he thought I was getting better. But I couldn't stay. It was only a matter of time before my head exploded.

I still love radio. I work remotes whenever I get a chance, and I'm stopping by the new studios of Sunshine Broadcasting on Monday for a tour. I like to be on the radio. I had a blast at the Media Appreciation Luncheon we had last month. But I won't ever work in it again.

Unless I could host my own show. That would rock! Pointless Drivel during morning drive time!
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