My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


I'm not a bumpersticker guy. Well, for the most part.

I think when I was a teenager tooling around in my '74 Maverick I had a few on the rear of the car, but aside from that, for more than 20 years my bumpers went commando, until the Red Sox the World Series. I put a bumper sticker on the back, as well as a commemorative license plate frame around the rear plate and a commemorative license plate on the front.

Hey, it had been 86 years. I was entitled.

For the most part I don't understand bumperstickers. Once in a while you see a really clever one, the kind I might put on my car if I didn't work at corporate. I'm colorful enough at work without drawing more attention to myself.

I do have a bumpersticker in my office, tucked away in a corner, so unless you are sitting at my desk, you can't see it. It says "Caution: Sarcastic and Cynical". I think I've had it for ten years or more. When you find something that sums you up perfectly, you tend to hang onto it.

But the majority of bumperstickers aren't like that. I've never understood the appeal of the political bumpersticker, for example. Is seeing a sticker on your car going to make me think about voting for your guy? Or are they just saying they're proud to be supporting their candidate.? It always has the opposite effect on me. Especially when I see a BUSH/CHENEY bumpersticker. I always think "asshole." It's not fair of me to do that, but I can't control the little man inside my head. He's union, and if I try to crack down on him I'll be facing a lawsuit for sure.

Of course, what I think about Bush people pales in comparison to what I think when I see an anti-abortion bumpersticker (although a lot of cars have both, of course). And I'm even more irritated by these CHOOSE LIFE license plates:

The right wing goons in the Florida legislature rammed this through as a specialty plate under the transparent guise of it being a plate supporting adoption, when everyone knows it's a plate with an anti-abortion stance. I always grip the steering wheel a little bit harder when I see one.
They know they aren't fooling anyone, and they don't care. Grrrr...

Anyway, back to bumperstickers. I guess folks can put what they want on their car, but for the record I really don't care that you are a NRA member, that you would rather be fishing, that your other car is a broom, that you think globally and act locally, that you want me to vote no on proposition five, that your kid is an honor student, or that he can beat up my honor student, or that he is just a student (who couldn't make honor roll, I guess).

It's okay with me that you want to free Tibet, or that you want the army to have a bake sale, or that you love your basset hound, or that Jesus is your co-pilot (I want one that says Satan is my co-pilot), or that your daughter goes to Tulane, or that you want to legalize marijuana, or that your car made it up some mountain, or that you are against stem cell research (idiot!), or that you support the troops (so do I) or want to bring them home (so do I) or that you are a fan of some band, or that you've been to some state or city, or that you think Disney is the greatest place on earth (don't get me started about that).

Live and let live. I'll just stick with my Red Sox bumpersticker. But like a typical Boston fan, if they get off to a slow start this year, that sucker is coming off.

And then I'll go commando again.


Blogger Gary J. Wood said...

My favourite bumper sticker says, "Come the Rapture, can I have your car?"

I also like the "Darwin Fish". You know, the Jesus Fish with little feet.

6:51 AM  
Blogger Billy said...

First off, I hate that damned license plate too. It is indeed a political expression and doesn't belong on a state issued tag.

I don't put stickers on my car however I got me some good ones for my motorcycle helmet:

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

"Sorry for being late but fucking off takes time"


"Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians"

8:32 AM  
Blogger Ginnie said...

HA! I had fun being reminded of all the (bumper) stickers and tags I don't like. (sigh)

I had more fun with your reactions to them :)

8:37 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

My car has always been "commando" as well. Wouldn't have it any other way.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

I dislike that license plate, too. In fact, not too long ago I was telling my mom that if they allowed that one they should allow a Pro-Choice one, as well.

I've never been a bumper sticker kinda' gal. The closest I get to is are stickers in my rear window that show what school my kids go to and my son's hockey league, lol.

11:10 AM  
Blogger merlinprincesse said...

Never put stickers on my car. Or plates... But I liked this one:" If you can read this..means you are to near, you asshole!" And the worst plate I saw: " I love my wife!"
Does it means that when the wife drives the car, she's a lesbian?

11:19 AM  
Blogger KB said...

I've never had a bumper sticker on any of my vehicles. I don't know why, really. Maybe because they're hard to remove when you're selling it? Hmmmm.

As for the Choose Life plates--what a croc o' shit that is! I've expressed myself on this issue for years on yahoo's message boards--there are some faaarrreeeaks out there--let me tell you.


12:06 PM  
Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...

I've never put bumper stickers on my car either, mostly because the ones that truly amuse are just too vulgar. And the rest are just silly, such as, "Save the whales. Collect the whole set."

I like the Darwin fish Gary mentioned as well, but as my office shares a parking lot with a fundamentalist church, it's probably not the best choice either.

2:20 PM  
Blogger Gary J. Wood said...

Dawn, you could try a variation of the trusty "WWJD". For instance, "WWJD: We Want Jack Daniels" or "What Would Jesus Do? Use his turn signals!"

2:43 PM  
Blogger CP said...

Oh Mr. Faboo...let me tell you my little story.

One day, while on US Highway 19, I pulled up alongside a woman who was in her vehicle. She had three little kids with her, one in the front (despite the laws in Florida saying that's a NO NO) and two in the back. They were obviously not in seatbelts, the way they were clambering around. Further, the windows were rolled up and she was puffing away on a cigarette like it was the first dick she ever sucked. I see one of the little ones then proceed to open his window and dangle his little body out of it. Me and Mother of the Year pull up to the same traffic light. Most people would say nothing. That is SO not me. I honked my horn to get Mothers attention. She looked over at me. I gestured to roll down her window, which she did. I then proceeded to admonish her.

"Do you realize that while you were killing your children with your second hand smoke that one of them was about to tuck and roll out of the rear window?"

She said, and I quote:

"Fuck off, Cunt."

Mm. Tasty.

I don't flip her off, because of the children in the car. At some point, the Mother cuts me off. I notice three things...

1) A "Choose Life" license plate.
2) A little Jesus fishy.
3) A Bush/Cheney bumpersticker.

Somehow, I felt validated, appeased and a great deal of understanding...all at once.

1) Pro-lifers are hypocrits.
2) Christian is as Christian does.
3) Republicans are assholes.

Not necessarily in that order.


8:42 PM  
Anonymous Sheryl said...

I was sitting in traffic just today thinking that bumper stickers irritate me. Leave it to Americans to feel we must express/pigeonhole ourselves on everything we own.

10:10 PM  
Blogger FreedomGirl said...

I had no idea they had those plate in FL! I think if I lived there I'd be involved in a lot of rear end "accidents".

I happen to like bumper stickers...I think it makes traffic entertaining.

I must admit I have bumper stickers on my car that are of the 'my kid is better than your kid' variety....with a twist.

1. My Kid played the LOUDEST at Rock'n'Roll Camp for Girls
2. Gibson Guitars- Start Young/Play Loud
3. My kid is an honor student at Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock'n'Roll High School.
Hubs has one on his helmet...Ride it like you stole it!

12:41 AM  
Anonymous smluke said...

Mr. F,
Your material is great. Don't you have an assistant that can do all that travel bullshit for you? Work less and play more, for sure!

My favorite bumper sticker is the lesbian pride rainbow. No words needed, but the message is clear. I don't use these on my car however...oh no. I plant them on the front bumper of any deserving female. (Basically anyone who pisses me off.) For weeks they drive around town, perhaps getting lusty looks from area dikes. A few propositions, or phone numbers... By the time they discover the sticker, I'm in the clear and still laughing.

Keep up the great blogging!

1:23 AM  
Blogger Prairie Girl said...

These comments are nearly better than your blog, but hey, if your blog weren't so good, so open, so funny then the comments wouldn't be either.

Germany doesn't do bumper stickers -- would spoil the Mercedes image :-)

2:26 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Gary and Dawn--I, too must confess I am a fan of the the Darwin fish. But all the upper brass in my company are churchgoers, so...

Billy--"Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians"--I like it! I'm gonna get that embroidered on a throw pillow for my den...

Ginnie and Mike--Commando is always best, I think

TJ-Bravo! While I'm not a hockey fan, it's better than soccer!

Merlinprincesse--"I love my wife"==hmm..sounds like he was trying to make up for a transgression...

KB--Let's go around the state at night and remove those Choose Life plates from every car we see. I wonder how many we could get...

CP--Classic! Hypocrisy runs rampant among both the republicans and the religious right. A perfect cautionary tale!

Sheryl--Everyone wants to be noticed!

Freedom Girl--You know, I can't really take issue with a sticker that references The Ramones. LOVED that movie, by the way!

Sharra--That seems about right. Matches your passive aggressive style :)

PG--That's a good point. I don't know as I see many Mercedes with bumper stickers...

4:41 AM  
Blogger Trinette said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Trinette said...

One I have seen:

"What Would Scooby Doo?"

One I'd like to see:

"My honor student is a high school dropout."

(It's funny because my kid and several of her honors friends quit school to get their GEDs when they were 16).

9:20 AM  

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