My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Quest!

Mrs. Fab wants a string of white lights around the inside of the patio. We had them up about a month ago, but the suction cup hooks wouldn't stick for very long, and they kept falling down. The enclosure is made of aluminum, and I guess the surface isn't very condusive to suction cups. Or something. I'm not a scientist.

So, we decided to get magnetic hooks instead to hang the lights. We procrastinated for a number of weeks, but then this week decided to by God get it done.

Those of you with a little more on the uptake than me will already sense a problem brewing.

So we're at Home Depot on Friday night (as many of you know...) and we can't find any. Or they're out. Or something. No sweat, I figure, I'll pick them up at Wal-Mart when I do my Saturday morning shopping.

Wal-Mart only had three packages, two hooks in each package. That's a start, but only about a quarter of what we need.

During all our shopping yesterday, we looked in Home Depot again, and a craft store we were in (to get my marathon stuff shadowboxed, bloody sock and all. I let the wife explain that).

No luck.

We get home and have dinner, but it's sticking in my craw that we can't hang the lights. I want to make Mrs. Fab happy. So I announce that I will embark on a quest that night to turn the town of Gainesville upside down if need be, to find the hooks. By God, my woman will have twinkly little lights this night!

So we get in the car and head out.

We go to the other Wal-Mart, across town. No luck. We go to the Family Dollar store. It's closed for remodeling. We go to another dollar store. Nothing. We go to Walgreens. Nada.

I will not be denied. I will not be deterred. I WILL NOT FAIL!

We head down to another part of town, to Lowe's. Nothing. My Lord, why have you forsaken me?

I'm tired. It's 8 PM. I've been up since 4 AM. And I have not had my usual Saturday afternoon nap. I've been busy busy busy all day. My body is shutting down. But I marshall what inner strength I have left, and we press on.

To Target.

And lo and behold, we are successful! We reap a bountiful harvest of magnetic hooks. The Gods are smiling upon us! Fortune is ours, this day! We stride out of the store with our bag, beaming, our steps a little lighter, our hearts a little gladder. The quest has been successful. We are victorious! I am on top of the world. Nothing feels better than embarking on a quest and seeing it through to a successful and satisfying conclusion.

Well, except for getting strapped into one of those Vietnamese spin fuck chairs.

We drive home. I rip open the packages and fill my pockets with hooks and climb the ladder with the lights to make my lady's dreams come true...

I am a great husband. I am her hero. I am Mr. Fabulous!

Filled with a sense of purpose and with a grand flourish I put the first hook in place.

And it falls to the floor.

Magnets don't stick to aluminum.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's me, Belle. LMAO!!!! It's always something, isn't it?!

8:02 AM  
Blogger Trinette said...

But they will stick to that fridge. Which is big enough to double as your patio. Damn, wouldn't that look good?

8:37 AM  
Blogger Jozee said...

Super glue!

9:44 AM  
Blogger Chelle said...

LMAO !!!!!!!!!!!!

9:57 AM  
Blogger Nobody said...

Two words for you... Well, actually I think it is more like two letters and a word.. 3M Command. Shit sticks to most anything, and releases cleanly when you decide to take it down.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Belle--Indeed, it is!

Trintette--You, my friend, are a problem solver!

Jozee--I don't think she'll go for that. She didn't even want those hooks that stick with adhesive. We musn't mar the pristine beauty of the patio...

Chelle--I can too, NOW LOL

Nobody--Hmm..I am interested...I will check it out, thanks!

10:32 AM  
Blogger Fantastagirl said...

ROTFLMAO - this sounds like a project at our house - but if I was in a big city I would have gone to Target first...

10:41 AM  
Blogger threecollie said...

As soon as I read the part about aluminum I knew where you were going to end up.......superglue might indeed be an option. My son says to get the strongest kind they make.

10:57 AM  
Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...

Yep. As soon as I saw the word, "alumninum" I knew it would end in tears.

Nobody's suggestion of 3M Command is good. I can't vouch for how well they work inside but I've had one of those hooks on my office door for a couple of years now and it's still hangin' in there.

Or you could just buy that fridge...

11:03 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...


I don't know about everyone else, but I'd like to read a post about the spinning f**k chair. =)

11:54 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

New patio to facilitate the lights maybe? Wooden patio? Or solid metal? Not sure, we don't have patio's in The Netherlands... Maybe I am not the one to comment on this... come to think of it...

12:19 PM  
Anonymous CPs Hotband said...

Dude, I'm not gonna bust on you for the whole aluminum thing, because that's a common mistake, although that is a funny story.

What I could suggest is drilling two small holes on top of one another, and then buy a pack of zip ties, slide a zip tie through each two holes and zip it closed with the lights going through it, then move on to the next...and you're done.

You could buy some sillicon filler to fill the holes too just as an added bonus.

12:48 PM  
Anonymous cps hotband said...

By the way, I forgot to mention you really want to trust a magnet or a suction cup to hold something up in the state of Florida? Winds, hurricanes, and all?

12:50 PM  
Anonymous Eric T. said...

I'd have more sympathy for you if I wasn't laughing so much.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Fantastigirl--Yeah, I am not a Target fan though. I am a Wal-Mart boy LOL

Threecollie--I bet superglue is your answer to everything on the farm. That and duct tape LOL.

Dawn--Actually, we took Nobody's suggestion. The little hooks they have will do the trick. Heck, the picture on the package shows them holding up the exact same lights...

Pissy--Well, you've got one, don't you?

DB--No patios? It's like the third world over there! You poor thing...

Hotband--I'm not a real man, like you. My level of home improvement skills do not include drilling holes of ANY kind.

I assume you are a real man, because only a real man could handle CP...

Eric--Go buy your saw

4:32 PM  
Blogger T said...

OK - I just got red bull up my nose from laughing at the last line. This is why I'm addicted to your blog.

OH- and BTW - it's not a Vietnamese spin fuck chair, its a Taiwanese Basket... not that I would have any reason to know that...

11:23 PM  
Blogger Maidink said...

Thank you for the chuckle. Visualising the look on your face at the point of the hook falling was priceless.

I'm telling you, that was a Master Card advert.

4:30 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

T--You shouldn't be drinking Red Bull that late at night.

Taiwanese Basket? Off to google I go...

Maidink--I am glad you can find humor in my stupidity and pain :)

6:09 AM  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh my God!!! I never even thought about that!!!

Hey, you get an "e" for effort, right? I know lots of guys would've just said, "Eh, we'll find them damn hooks.... eventually!!!!"

That sucks!

9:07 AM  
Blogger threecollie said...

Duct tape, electrical tape, super glue....and don't ever forget, baling twine! Heck with those essentials, you can build a farm.

9:06 PM  
Blogger Belinda said...

Husband actually once, in a frenzied hurry to get something out of the oven RIGHT THEN, DANGIT, grabbed a folded over piece of aluminum foil and used that to take hold of the hot pan. Aluminum, besides not being magnetic, is NOT A POTHOLDER.

I will laugh about that for the rest of my life.

6:01 AM  

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