My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Friday, March 31, 2006

It came straight from Hell...


Pretty, isn't it? It's a boll weevil. Apparently, Hell is full of them. Who knew? I guess boll weevils are like Satan's um....kittens? Sure, why not?

What I'm really referring to, of course, is the care package that Big Pissy sent me from Twiddle-Your-Ball-Sack, Alabama. Boll Weevils are HUGE in that particular corridor of Hell.

Check out all the sweet swag Pissy sent me and the Mrs:

Whoo-hoo! We're in Hell Heaven!

The T-shirt will come in handy. Next time I travel up there I can walk among the citizens of Hell unmolested. Same with the bumpersticker. Now I can drive down the molten lava encrusted roads without winged denizens of the Underworld dive bombing me with scads of fiery brimstoney poop.

The his-and-hers mason jar mugs will come in handy when we're out on the porch swillin' moonshine and playing the banjo with our feet.

She also sent a postcard of a boll weevil statue in town. They must worship the boll weevil as a God there. I must now pledge my undying allegiance to great and terrible boll weevil. I must do his bidding. I must do my part to wipe out crops and um...be all...um...buggy and stuff.

Okay, I'm a little hazy on how a boll weevil spends his day.

And she also included a large plastic pink frog with a crown. The reason for this of course, is...umm...gosh. Well, I guess because it's pink! And you know what that can only mean:

The one thing you can't get in Hell: a pink boll weevil.

But the frog is a marvelous stand-in.

We love it all! I was having a horrible day at work yesterday, and this cheered me up immensely.

Thanks Pissy! You're the best!

Note: Don't forget to vote here. You can vote once per day. After all, Pissy is the one who nominated me. You wouldn't want to damage her self esteem by not helping me win, would you? :)

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Dudes like me too!

Well, I had to switch over to comment moderation. There was a certain group of fellows who took offense at my campaign and felt it was necessary to post all kinds of nasty things they wanted to do to me. Some suggestions were quite colorful, although I would think they would be very hard to pull off anatomically speaking.

However, I am straight, fellas. Now, I'm not saying I wasn't flattered. And maybe a little curious. But for now I'm afraid that Mrs. Fab is the only one I let ass rape me.

If you like my body, and you think I'm sexy...

WOW!

That little vixen Pissy has nominated me for Sexiest Male Blogger. The narcissistic part of me is, of course, flattered. And the neurotic part of me is wondering "Why not Funniest Blogger? Aren't I funny?"

OK, you are going to see a side of me that rarely, if ever, comes out. I want to win this thing. Rarely do I ever seek attention like this, and I hate to ask anyone for anything. But I'm gonna do it now. I will beat myself up about it later, but for now I want to shamelessly go for it.

Please vote for me. Oh please please please vote for me. Pretty please with sugar on top.

Ugh. I'm not very good at this.

You can vote here, and you can vote once per day. Tell your friends!

What will it take? I'll bribe people if I have to. For just a little while, until voting ends on April 6, I will have no shame. I will prostitute myself to the ends of the earth. I will sell my soul to the devil...

Please vote. I will be your best friend forever!

OK...I gotta get ready for the swimsuit competition...

Pointless Drivel: The Movie

If they made a movie about your blog, who would play you?

See, this is the kind of thing I think about.

I know who would play me. Bruce Willis. We've got the same hairstyle, the same smirk, the same smart-ass sense of humor.


After much consideration (and consultation--I'm not stupid) the part of Mrs. Fab would be played by Bonnie Hunt. Pretty, smart, wry, clever...

(How's that, honey?)

Now, there are two people at my work who comment fairly often, Eric and Sharra. Eric would totally be played by Michael Chiklis. Bald, manly, personable...


And Sharra..that's a tougher choice. But she is always so bouncy and perky and spirited, we decided Drew Barrymore would be the best choice to play her (thanks to Amanda for her assistance on the casting choice).


As for my fellow bloggers, that's a tricky one. I don't know as I would be qualified to cast for anyone that I haven't met in person.

But I have met Billy and Ginnie. So I guess I could cast those parts.

Billy would be played by Sam Shepard . Tall, lean, laconic, rugged...


After much consideration, the part of Ginnie would be played by Dame Judy Dench. Classy, intelligent, soulful...

Of course, Billy and Ginnie may have completely different ideas of who would play them if they cast their own movies. But that's cool. There have been plenty of James Bonds and Batmans.

And I guess we could cast Christine (who, for some reason, posts as Ellie Mae). Christine is feisty, sweet, and charismatic. She would be played by Reese Witherspoon (who would have to dye her hair red for the role).

I think it's fairly common at one time or another to imagine someone playing you in a movie. Isn't it? Oh please God, tell me it's normal. Tell me this isn't just another manifestation of my inevitable slide into dementia...

So who would play you in your movie?

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Modern Man or Simpering Wimp?

On Friday I attended a baby shower. It was the third baby shower I have attended in the last year and a half or so. Prior to that, I had never attended one.

So now I have been to Amanda's, Jennifer's and Danielle's showers. I know them all from work.

I wasn't going to post about it, but Christine has been on my ass about doing it. I don't know why. I don't really have much to say about it, although I do have a question:

Is it odd for a man to attend a baby shower?

For two of them, I was the only man. For the other, there were a couple of other guys there.

I had a good time at all of them. I oohed and ahhed in all the right places. Sure, I did it with an exaggerated slightly sarcastic inflection, but still...

I don't hear about many men attending baby showers. Is this yet another example of how sensitive and thoughtful and progressive I am? Is it an indication of how I celebrate women, and are not intimidated by a large group of females?

Or does it mean simply that I am a sissy boy? A girlie man?

I guess that will be a question for the historians...

A little something for the ladies...


Hey, if this were true, I could probably get the hookers down on SW Depot Avenue to pay me.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Who knew swine were so insightful?

Yesterday's post was a long one. I'm not gonna make you read a lot today.

My friend Karen sent me this. Apparently, drawing a pig can tell you a lot about your personality.

Don't believe me? Try it for yourself.

More fun with billboards...

This is for Amber. She's been taking boxing classes. She's probably the only blogger on my blogroll who can kick my ass.

Please don't hurt me, Amber. I bruise like a peach.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Mrs. Fab speaks...

OK guys, here are your answers, unedited and in their entirety. This was fun. And I kinda got a day off in the bargain. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. Or, maybe this will answer all the questions everyone had:

A foreword to all those who read Mr. Fab…

He really is as sweet and funny as he seems on the blog. The hardest thing about being married to him is trying not to be complacent and unappreciative of exactly how blessed I am. It often seems unreal to me that someone so wonderful and giving and generous would love me like he does. If I were a Buddhist, I would think that I must have been the most wonderful, giving person in the world in a previous life to be rewarded with such a gift, because I am certainly not such a person in this life. You would know this if I ever let him tell the “dog story,” which I won’t.

That being said, hands off girls (and Billy), he’s mine!!!


Trinette said…
Ok, I'll start: "Mrs. Fab, where did you acquire the patience of a saint?"

It was on sale, $1.99.

Stacy the Peanut Queen said...
Me next!!! Okay, what was your first thoughts upon meeting Mr Fab???

That he was clever, and funny, and had a great smile.

He was standing in the corner of the convenience store that he managed and I was coming in to cover the store for him when he had to be out for the afternoon. He had one foot up on a milk crate, was standing in front of the porno mags, and talking on the payphone. I thought it was obvious that he was the manager because he was wearing a suit.

It turned out he was wearing the suit because he was on his way to court to fight a ticket, I think it was when he ran off the road while trying to change a cassette tape. He got out of the ticket by telling the judge that he had swerved to miss a rabbit that had run across the road.

Anyway, when I introduced myself he gave me a big grin and said, “Welcome to store 6674.” Even 22 years later, I remember because it rhymed.

The next time I met him I was covering his store while he went to Puerto Rico on a trip he won in a sales contest. He had a horrible time (maybe he’ll tell you that story someday). In any event, he came back, asked me out, and four weeks later we were engaged.


Chelle said...
Does he REALLY have big feet??? ;)

Oh my YES! Size 15! And that’s the size of his wedding ring too. Just to reiterate the fact that he’s taken…

Big Pissy said...
"Is Mr. Fab as much fun to live with as he comes across in his blog?"

As he himself would say, “I’m living a dream.”

Blogarita said...
Don't you find the clown costumes just a little bit frightening?

Not when we’re both wearing them…

beadinggalinMS said...
Mrs. Fab what is the one thing that Mr. Fab does that drives you insane? for ex. toilet seat left up, tooth paste cap left off.

Honestly, there isn’t anything like that. He puts the seat down. He changes the roll of the toilet paper. He doesn’t leave his underwear on the floor.

Oh wait, there is the humping of major appliances in public…

And he does like to shout out things as we’re walking through the grocery store like “Honey do you need anymore Vagisil?”

zhadi said...
Mrs. Fab, I would like to hear your side of what it's like to be a 'don't talk to me until my nerve endings sheathe and I have six cups of coffee' type of person, living with what sounds like a morning person on crack.

It’s one of the reasons I’m going to law school, so I’ll be prepared with my defense of justifiable homicide.

dreamwalker said...
OK. I'm not asking about the dog story that will not be told, although I am sooo curious :) What is your favourite food?

Hmmm, that’s tough, I like all kinds of food. Mostly Mr. Fab and I like the same foods, except he likes fish and I don’t. Thankfully, the days of sardine sandwiches for breakfast are few and far between. He also loves vienna sausages which smell horrible to me, although the first time he made me breakfast in bed it was blueberry eggo waffles and vienna sausages. Of course, I ate them because the gesture was just so sweet. (Don’t tell him, ok?)


CanadianSwiss said...
I'll take the opposite of beadinggalinms. What do you love above everything about Mr. Fab?

I love the fact that he’s “able, accepting, adaptable, bold, brave, calm, caring, cheerful, clever, complex, confident, dependable, dignified, energetic, extroverted, friendly, giving, happy, helpful, idealistic, independent, ingenious, intelligent, introverted, kind, knowledgeable, logical, loving, mature, modest, nervous, observant, organized, patient, powerful, proud, quiet, reflective, relaxed, religious, responsive, searching, self-assertive, self-conscious, sensible, sentimental, shy, silly, spontaneous, sympathetic, tense, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty”…

There, I think I included all the qualities listed on the Johari window that he had posted back in February then complained because when limited to six choices I didn’t choose them all…

But seriously, I love the same things that everyone else does, his humor, his intelligence, his sweetness, his compassion, his warped and twisted mind…


Rebecca said...
Mrs Fabulous: How do you feel about Mr Fabulous' penchant for refrigerators??? ;)

Oh my… I just don’t understand it. It makes me feel less alone to read that he’s not the only one. There should be a support group for the spouses, like Al-anon for the spouses of alcoholics…

Heather said...
Mrs. Fab - Mr. Fab reminds me a lot of my husband. I'm the adult of the relationship and he's the kid (it was a proud day for him when he taught our son the joys of farting in the bathtub.) Am I right? Are you the adult in the relationship? My question is what do you do to keep your sanity? I blog, I pretend I don't hear him, I spend a lot of time cleaning.

Oh, I surrendered my sanity 22 years ago. It was much easier to give it up than to fight the inevitable.


Billy said...
Is it true that Mr. Fab was in fact detained by Mexican border guards for attempting to cross while in possession of a canvas sack containing many rare and endangered Peruvian speckled lemurs? And if so, why weren't we invited to the party?

To the first question, I must claim a combination of spousal immunity and attorney/client privilege.

To the second question, I was wondering why we hadn’t received your RSVP. Keep checking your mailbox…


Jody said...
Is Mr. Fab really funny or does he just write that way? Does he think he is funny or is it just us that think he is funny? Smooch, The Tart PS. Can you get him to go to a museum?

He’s very humble about his talent and doesn’t think that he’s funny. He’ll acknowledge that he’s sarcastic, but doesn’t recognize that as a gift. Have him tell you the story about getting suspended in high school for his writings…

Actually, he went with me to the Metropolitan Museum of Art the first time we went to New York City. After that we agreed to split up, he hit the streets for his art, and I wandered the museum. Then we’d meet back for lunch. He has gone to both Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum and Madame Truffaut’s Wax Museum if they count.


Esereth said...
Tell about one time he just went too far, and it wasn't funny. Cuz I'm a miserable buzz kill, and frankly, Mr. Fab's continuous unbrideled good nature makes me suspicious. Ever hear mysterious knockings from your basement?

First, you should know that I have a very weak stomach, and cannot stand the sight of blood. He did this was years ago when we were living in Massachusetts…

I was sitting in the living room and he was doing something down the hall in the kitchen. All of a sudden, he lets out a blood-curdling scream. I immediately run down the hall to see what had happened. He had his hands up to his mouth and blood was running out between his fingers. His voice was garbled as if he had something in his mouth. He yelled that he had bitten off his tongue, and then spit something bloody into the sink.

Now this part should assure you I’m not a saint…
I saw the blood and ran into the pantry. I couldn’t handle all the blood that was splattered all over the kitchen. From in there I told him to hang on and I would call 911 or we’d drive right to the hospital.

That was when I heard the laughter…

He had mixed up a concotion of flour and red food coloring that he used for the “joke”. It was actually pretty funny in retrospect despite having to scrub food coloring out of the kitchen grout for weeks.

As to the second question, luckily we live in Florida so there is no basement. But there’s a shed in the backyard that I’m more than a little afraid of, and not just because of the palmetto bugs and brown recluse spiders…


marty said...
Mrs. Fab, is it true that you and Mr. Fab are a two blog family?

No, Mr. Fab is the writer in the family, although he may have a second anonymous one that he hasn’t told me about. That’s probably the one where he tells the truth about me, all my bad habits, etc. He probably has already told the “dog story” there…

Clo said...
Mrs. Fab, I want you to tell us about the most unforgettable kiss you had with Mr. Fab!May I ask another one? What is the best gift Mr. Fab ever gave to you?And now a silly one: I you were the man, and Mr. Fab the women, tell us what famous women he should be!

The best kiss is easy, it was the first one. He was so much the gentleman for our first two dates he wouldn’t even kiss me. Then after our second date, I invited him over to my apartment for pizza and to play Trivial Pursuit with my roommate and me. After my roommate went to bed, we sat around talking and watching television. I don’t remember what was on, but it was scary and had Linda Blair in it (no, it wasn’t The Exorcist). Anyway, we talked until about three in the morning. Finally, he had to leave and as I walked him to the door, he leaned in and gave me the most amazingly sweet, soft, wonderful kiss. To this day, although I love all his kisses, sometimes I ask him to kiss me like the first time, and he does. It always makes me melt…

The best gift was the time he let me have a professional portrait taken of him. We arranged to meet the photographer at the beach and got some great ones of him in the dunes and staring off out to sea. We even had a picture taken with Santa hats that we had made into Christmas cards. It was wonderful.

A famous woman… I don’t know… maybe Janeane Garofalo the comedian, maybe Paula Poundstone, Rosie ODonnell, Judy Tenuta… definitely someone funny…


Mimi said...
Is Mr Fab REALLY Fabulous? Or is it like calling a 7 ft tall guy Tiny? ;-)

Trust me, there’s nothing tiny about this 7ft tall guy (see Chelle’s question).
And yes, he really is fabulous too!


Eric T. said...
OK, If Mr. Fab were a "Carney", what booth would he be working at?

He would definitely be the guy in the dunking booth hollering out to people walking by, trying to get them to come in and dunk him. In fact, whenever we pass one of those booths we mention how good he would be at it. He’d make a million dollars…

Shannon said...
What is the one thing that Mr. Fabulous does that you simply adore (But he has no clue about).

As he’s falling asleep, just before he’s completely under he makes a little sound. It’s like a soft little grunt, but it lets me know that he’s falling asleep (which is always good considering his chronic insomnia) and also makes me feel like everything’s right with my world.

Sheryl said...
Q. for the Mrs: What's it like to live with someone who has an IQ of 190?

He always tells me that I’m the smart one in the relationship, but as I respond, I’m the educated one, he’s the smart one.

Lady K said...
My question for Mrs. Fabulous is: What made you fall in love with him, and what keeps you loving him? (okay, I guess that's TWO questions....)

Actually, that is only one question since it has the same answer – because he’s Mr. Fabulous!

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Fun with OCD...

Oh crap.

I've gone through my blogrolls today, and have caught up with everyone, and I've also perused many of the blogs "on the bench" in my favorites folder.

I've added some, dropped a couple, and moved some around. And now I look in horror at my homepage on Blogrolling.com.

All six blogrolls are clustered in multiples of five. They all either have ten, fifteen, or twenty blogs.

Perfect symetry. By accident. I can feel the OCD kicking in.

My fear is I won't be able to add or subtract just one blog. I'll have to do it five at a time, to keep everything in balance.

Hold me.

It's Sunday, you know what that means...


No, not church today. Work tomorrow.

Ugh.

March of Dimes!

Carrie: What do you do? Straight.
Bandit: I just go from place to place...and do what I do best.
Carrie: What's that?
Bandit: Show off.

Gainesville held its annual March of Dimes WalkAmerica yesterday. Mrs. Fab's company has manned a spirit booth for the last several years. It's a natural fit, since they are the largest OB-GYN practice in town. This year the theme of their booth was The Wild West.


Instead of "Little Foot Saloon" Mrs. Fab lobbied to name it "The Rusty Speculum" but was outvoted. See? I'm not the only one in the family with a twisted sense of humor.

The Gainesville WalkAmerica consistently raises the most money nationwide for a city our size. We are fortunate to live in such a giving community.

Usually I just go in the morning and stay long enough to help them get it all set up. But they needed a cowboy this year. So Mrs. Fab made most of the outfit, I went and bought a real cowboy hat, and *poof* I was a sheriff straight out of the old west.

Um...no. No pictures of me. I didn't like how any of them turned out.

Anyway, where was I when the crush of people came? Right up front of course, signing people's cards, screaming, giving shout-outs, kidding around, finding something to say to everyone whose card I signed. Making a fool of myself, basically.

Showing off.

I wanted to make everyone feel good about what they were doing, and conveying our thanks for them coming out and walking for healthier babies. Plus, there is a competition for the best booth, and they've won it the last few years, and we wanted to win it again.

We'll see. We won't know for a while.

I managed to snap a couple of pictures before I had to get in character and get ready for the mass of humanity:






As always, I am awed by my complete lack of picture-taking talent. It's really quite astounding.

I was going to put clever, sarcastic captions on all the photos, but you know what? It's Sunday, I'm feeling very mellow, and it's an important cause. So no sarcasm today.

Next year's theme: maybe science fiction. We're hoping.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Bloggy Things...

For those of you who were continually frustrated by my Bloglet subscription service not working, I've signed up with a different company, Notifylist.com. The subscription form is on my sidebar. We'll see if this works any better.
I am not ready to make the big move yet, to the .com with a new template (although I have purchased the domain name) but I have been weighing a move to Haloscan for my comments. My question is, if I switch over, do I lose all the blogger comments? I thought I read somewhere that I would. Does anyone know? Those of you who have Haloscan, do you prefer it?

Barb from Bloggo Chicago heartily endorses Wordpress over Blogger. Does anyone else use Wordpress? If so, do you echo Barb's sentiments? Obviously if I am going to make a move I need to decide before I commission a new template.

I am up to Flippery Fish in the TTLB Ecosystem (see sidebar) which is nice, but I really want to be a Large Mammal. Because, you know, I actually am a large mammal. But I know I will never get there, so I think I am willing to settle for Flappy Bird. Hopefully one day... You know, if more of you guys that already link to me would sign up to be in the Ecosystem, I could one day make to Flappy Bird. Don't you want to see me flap my pretty little wings?

Speaking of links, I don't do straight up link exchanges for no reason, I have too much respect for my blogroll for that. However, if you regularly read my blog and you've got me linked and I either haven't been to your blog, or I have been but didn't notice, please let me know. I'll check you out, and if I like your style (and if you like mine, chances are we're pretty simpatico) I'll link you. I've missed a few people like this lately and I always feel bad for the oversight.


Also I am pretty excited about cracking the 300 barrier in Battle of the Blogs on BlogExplosion. I am currently # 283. Although in the interests of full disclosure, I don't take on all comers. I'm like Rocky's manager, I pick and choose my opponents for the most part. I wait until I see a battle posted by a blog I think I can beat, or that has a losing record, and I claim it. Hey, that's what the lions do. They don't go after the healthy gazelles and wildabeasts. They pick off the sick, old, and weak. Law of the jungle, baby!



Speaking of BlogExplosion, those of you that either rent space on your blog to others, or rent yourselves, how is that working out for you? I've been kicking around the idea. I just won a bid to have my blog rented out on Fickle Chick. It's my first time. That's right, I'm a virgin. We'll see how it goes. I tried to pick someone that A) could prove a track record of providing a lot of hits, and B) seemed to operate outside the circle of blogdom I usually operate in. We'll see.
Has anyone tried BlogMad? I have been hearing a lot of buzz about it. Like a bunch of other things, I've signed up for it but haven't looked into it yet. I don't know why it takes me so long to get around to doing these things. I think I had been signed up with BlogExplosion for months before I explored it. Same with BlogShares.



Although, I don't really know why I am seeking more traffic. All that will lead to is finding more blogs I like, which would expand my blogroll, which would mean I would have to go part time at work in order to keep up with them all.

No good can come of this.

And hey, if you haven't signed my guestmap, please do so. This is something else that I don't know why I care about it. I just do. Hey, it's my own special brand of mental illness. Dammit.


So much to think about. Well, I'm off to help man a March of Dimes spirit booth this morning. Gotta get started early. I'm gonna be a cowboy! I hope y'all have a great weekend!

Reminder: you still have until Sunday evening to post a question for Mrs. Fab. I'll post her responses on Monday morning.

Friday, March 24, 2006

For Mrs. Fab...




Love ya, baby!

I LIKE that commercial...

Dockers are my pants of choice. I wear them every single day to work.

Not the same pair. I have many pairs. They are all either black or khaki.

I will award 100 BlogExplosion credits to the first person who can tell me where I got the line for the title of this post.

Womenfolk, The Sunshine State, and The Great White North

For your consideration:

Another of the questions that occurred to me as I was doing all that cruising through BlogExplosion last week, is how blogdom breaksdown percentage-wise between men and women.

I didn’t keep track, but in general it seemed that there were more blogs written by women than men. Off the top of my head and to the best of my recollection, it seemed about a 60/40 split. But that’s just my perception.

Have you guys found that to be the case?

I was discussing this briefly with someone (Belinda?) in a series of emails about men vs. women bloggers and she advanced the theory that men tend to blog about more serious stuff like current events and politics, or sports while women tend to blog more about life. I don’t know if that is the case or not, but it probably makes sense.

What I do know, looking at my blogroll, is that it runs about 90/10 in favor of women. Now by and large I enjoy blogs that are humorous/entertaining/witty/perceptive/fun. So, are women more likely to have those qualities? I certainly didn’t set out to have a blogroll that was 90% women. I just choose writing I like and people I find interesting.

Although, in general, I think I relate better to women than men. I know I work better with women. Always have.

Curious.

Also curious is that the state that is easily most represented is Florida. And again, I didn’t set out looking for Florida blogs. It just happened. Several states are more populous than Florida. You would think that based on the odds and the hundreds of blogs I’ve perused that California, New York, or Texas would be most heavily represented:

California 34 million people
Texas 21 million people
New York 18 million people
Florida 16 million people

But it’s not even close.

Now the Canada question is even more puzzling. My blogroll has a lot of Canadian bloggers on it. Including one or two Canadian natives that live in the US or abroad, I think I have somewhere between 10-12 Canadians on my blogroll, which is about 15% of my blogroll. This despite the fact that there are fewer people living in Canada than there are in California alone.


Do Canadians have more highly developed senses of humor than people in other countries? Why? Is it the cold weather? Do they spend the winter holed up in their igloos practicing their witty repartee and playful banter? Is it all the Molsen and backbacon? Eh?

So I guess we can draw three conclusions from all this:

1. Women, by and large, are wittier and more interesting than men
2. Florida has more cool people than any other state in the union
3. Canadians rock!

I should have been a social scientist. Maybe I should write a book.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Ask Mrs. Fab...

Dreamwalker and Zhadi both commented yesterday about how they would like to hear from Mrs. Fabulous on occasion.

I spoke with my better half, and she was not opposed to it, but she said she wouldn't really know what to write. And then she hit upon a solution.

From now until Sunday, if you have a question for Mrs. Fab, post it in the comments section of this post. From now until then she will begin answering them, and then we'll post all her answers on Monday morning.

I will not edit any of her answers. When she's done, she'll send me the post in a word document and I will upload it even before I read it.

Two caveats:

1. If there are a ton of questions, she might have to do half one week and half another week (her studies come first)
2. She will not tell the dog story

So...if you've got something you want to ask her, be my guest! I can't imagine there is much you don't already know, but we'll see. I've got (practically) nothing to hide...

You can look it up...

Crap. I forgot to add "smirks a lot". I'm too lazy to re-do it.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Just between you and me...

Hey, can we talk?

Yeah, you. And you, over there.

I'm talking about us. Everybody on the blogroll to my right. And some of you that may not be on the blogroll. And yes, even some of you lurkers.

I think we're pretty cool.

Last week, because I was off, I had more extra time to peruse other blogs, mostly through BlogExplosion.

I must have looked at hundreds of blogs. And most of them...I would not look at them again. Don't get me wrong--not that there was anything wrong with them (well, most of them) but they just didn't interest me personally, whether because of the subject matter or writing style or esthetics or whatever.

I don't think I am an elitist, or that I am hard to please or impress. I would think that the size of my blogroll proves that. There are a lot of blogs and bloggers I like to keep up with (I also have a pretty sizeable favorites folder with even more blogs in it).

I would put the cumulative coolness of the folks on my blogroll up against any other collection of bloggers. If blogdom was high school, we would definately be at one of the coolest tables in the lunchroom.

You guys are all awesome.

Anyway, that's all I really wanted to say today.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

No big deal...

Well, I had my facial and massage yesterday afternoon. First time for both.

Eh.

I don't know what I expected, but I guess it was kind of a let down. It was nice, but...that's about it. I never knew what all the fuss was about, and I still don't.

My face does not feel the cleanest it ever has, or rejuvenated, or whatever it is supposed to feel like. And I didn't feel a bit more relaxed coming out than I did going in.

I felt maybe...slightly different and definately greasier.

Maybe my expectations were too high. I didn't really have any expectations about the facial, but the way Mrs. Fab and others carry on about massages, I anticipated walking out of there all loosey goosey and mellow and just all...liquid and languid, like Mrs. Fabulous is when she gets back from her massages.

Didn't happen. It was just...OK. I don't see the point of getting another one. Well, not a legitimate one anyway.

Maybe I just couldn't relax. I know you're supposed to let yourself go during a massage but I kept thinking about two things:

1. Work
2. Making sure "it" didn't move when she was working "down there".

I couldn't help it. So maybe on some level that kept me from getting as much out of it as I could. But on the other hand, it's more physical than mental, right? So...

When Mrs. Fab came home and I gave her the news, she was dumbfounded, and promptly declared there was obviously something wrong with me.

Someone, I think it was Dawn, had said that the massage would be on a par with the best sex I have ever had.

I certainly wouldn't compare it to the best sex I ever had. I might compare it to those afternoons I go down to Depot Avenue to get a little lipstick on my dipstick from one of street hookers.

That felt about the same.

Slightly different and definately greasier.

I have calluses on my palms...

No, not from that. Perverts. What made you think I was going there?

And we know it's not from manual labor.

It's from my laptop.

I spent so much time on the computer while I was off work, that I have developed calluses on the lower palms of my hands, especially the right one.

Weird.

They don't warn you about that. Let that be a cautionary tale for you kids out there.

I hope this doesn't interfere with my masturbatory regimen.

Oh. I guess I was going there. Eventually.

Monday, March 20, 2006

If I had to do it over again...

I would not have been so specific about where I work, and I would not have told anyone at work about this blog.

Then I could feel free to vent and rant and rave about certain things. Now I have to keep it all bottled up inside until I either explode or go on a Tri-State killing spree.

Have you noticed, no one ever goes on Tri-State killing sprees anymore? Usually all their killing is confined to one state. Where's the work ethic? Where's the pride?

Slackers.

Maybe I'll start a separate anonymous blog about work.

Or the killing spree. Either way. Both have their good points.

And I'm not even back to work until tomorrow.

Meanwhile, out in the sticks...

This is for those of you in the more (ahem) rural areas. You know who you are.

We kid because we love.

Too few hours, too undisciplined...

The above picture is a collection of software that I have yet to begun how to learn to use. Plus I forgot to include Corel Draw in the photo. That HTML book I've had for the better part of two months and haven't cracked it open yet.

My blogroll gets bigger and bigger. I used to be able to read and comment on everyone every day. Now it takes a two or three day cycle. And I don't add people just to add them. I add them because I like them.

I have it in my head that I want to try my hand at writing a screenplay. I've got a book, and a friend recommended some software. Oh good, more software to learn.

Baseball season is right around the corner, which means not only real baseball but the four fantasy teams I'm managing.

Plus, add in BlogExplosion, BlogShares, and any of a dozen other silly distractions I engage in and from a time management issue the answer is clear:

I have to quit my job.

What other choice do I have? It's either that or stop sleeping again. And I have kind of gotten used to sleeping the last few weeks.

I've already gotten rid of my gaming consoles. I don't play MMORPGs or other computer games anymore. We have a lawn service do the yard and a maid service do the house. I don't have kids to worry about, and the rabbits are very low maintenance. And still I don't have time to pursue all my projects.

I know, I know. I'm being whiny about what probably seems like nothing to a lot of people. I'm sure a lot of people would want the amount of free time I have. I guess as far as problems go, mine is pretty far down the list, far lower than pestilence and plague, and just ahead of the morning newspaper getting a little soggy in the rain because the stupid paper carrier didn't take the time to double bag it even though the forcast so obviously called for rain, so what the hell was he thinking, he better not try to hit me up for a tip at Christmas if he isn't going to take the time...urp.

Focus.

For Merlin Princesse...

Just wanted to make sure you were paying attention, my friend! :)

Please make a note...

Yes, CP. this means you :)

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Odds and ends...

Thanks to everyone who commented or emailed me about the ITalk2Much review. I am not going to change the name of the blog, so don't worry. I am just going to have to live with the fact that the .com domain name isn't available. I am going to eventually get a new look though, and thank you to those of you who recommended some designers to check out.

Actually, that concept that I had in mind that I wanted? I might already be changing my mind about it.

Sigh...I pity the designer I pick. They are certainly going to earn their money.

I've moved some folks around on my double super secret blogroll. I think I am about getting to the limit. At some point I won't be able to put someone on unless I take someone off. On the other hand, I guess it can be as long as I want. Hmm...I'm a little indecisive today. Someone please make up my mind for me!

A couple of you had mentioned that you were not getting the emails from Bloglet when my site updated. I have once again gone in and fixed it, but if it screws up again I think I'm just going to take it off again. For some reason it will work for a day or two, and then go down again. I don't think I'm smart enough to figure out what's wrong. But if you like, let me know, and I will copy each post down on parchment and send them out to subscribers by carrier pigeon.

Reminder: when the carrier pigeon gets there, the smarter people recognize that as a tipping situation.

Orgy news: We can't get lemurs. Apparently lemurs are heavily organized (who knew?) and I cannot afford their price, which they assure me is union scale, but I think is highway robbery, and I refuse to pay it. So we're going to have to make do with squirrels and opposums (extra credit to me for not going with the easy beaver joke).

And to make matters worse, instead of shipping me 10W-40 motor oil, they shipped a case of WD-40 lubricant. I mean, it'll get the job done, and none of us will squeak, but it lacks the viscosity of the 10W-40.

True confessions: I'm not sure I used the word "viscosity" correctly.

Why, oh why, won't Blogger allow me upload photos this morning?

Fab out.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Today I am a man...

I got smacked at I Talk Too Much yesterday. I got three smacks. I got some props for content and took some knocks for my template and blogroll. I agree with what they said. I have never totally been in love with this new template. It was better than the old one, but it never felt quite right.

And it never quite made sense. Gainesville ain't near the beach.

I do have a very specific vision and concept of what I want it to be. And I agree that the blogroll is all over the place. I mean, the six catagories mean something to me, but it is a little confusing for everyone else. And it just seems as if it could all be a little...tighter, somehow. If anyone can recommend a good designer to work with, please do. I'm gonna want more than just a stock template, I'm going to want someone who can tweak a whole lot of stuff.

I'm happy with the review.

Although some commenter called me an old pervert. Gee whiz, organize a few lemur orgies, jack off a pirate, hump a refrigerator and masturbate in a parking lot and I guess you're marked for life.

Well, if the shoe fits. Next week on Pointless Drivel: cunnilingus and rim jobs for everyone!

I'm not gonna change it to a pirate theme, though. Pirates? Billy's the only pirate around these parts. I wouldn't be fit to swash his buckle.

That wasn't dirty, was it?

Although as far as the name...I like the name "Pointless Drivel", but they are right about one thing: it's not exactly unique. And I really wanted to get the .com domain name for it, but it's taken.

So the question is, do I get a .org or a .net for it? Does that have the same cachet? Or do I pick a more original title that I can get the .com name for?

I picked "Pointless Drivel" on a whim, back before I knew I was going to get so serious and involved in blogging. Maybe a really cool name will appear to me in a bust of inspiration. Seems like it would be a lot of trouble to start calling it something else now, though.

And "Pointless Drivel" really seems to fit the content. I mean, this isn't exactly heavy stuff, folks.

On the other hand...

I guess I'm looking for some advice.

Friday, March 17, 2006

And in this corner...

OK, so my latest obsession has been the BlogExplosion site. I have been spending a lot of time there over the last week or so, and I've made some interesting discoveries (OK, maybe they are only interesting to me) and have formed a few opinions about blogs and bloggers. I'll be sharing them down the line. But this post is about *ring bell* Battle of the Blogs.

Once I had racked up enough credits by surfing blogs, I immediately threw my hat in the ring, being the naturally competitive fellow I am.

For those of you not familar with the game, two blogs go head to head for a purse of credits, and then 15 bloggers vote on who they think has the better blog. 75% of the credits go to the winner, and the other 25% are divided up among the voters. The loser gets squat. You can wager from 10 to 100 credits, and the challenger matches that amount.

It's addicting. For me anyway. Luckily my attention span is short, so I'm sure it will wear off soon.

I won my first battle. In fact I won my second. I had visions of running off an incredible streak of wins and racking up huge amounts of credits. Glory and fame would no doubt follow. An invitation to the White House, appearances on Letterman and Oprah, a Hollywood movie based on my life...

Umm...no.

I lost the next two. And then it was win and lose, lose and win down the line. Eventually I was happy to stay above .500. Currently my record is 16-10 and I am ranked number 430 (hey, I was ranked 1000-something at one point).

I have come to the conclusion that more than anything else, it's probably a crapshoot. It depends on how long people look at your blog, what kind of people are looking at your blog, what kind of blog you are up against, and what kind of content you are providing for the short time they are judging you.

I have lost to blogs that I thought I would beat, and I have beaten blogs I thought I would lose to. I have both won and lost to the same blog in different battles.

I vote on a lot of the battles too. There is a timer, and you have to be on each site for at least 20 seconds (which ain't much time) but there is no limit to how long you can peruse content. I try to give each blog a fair shake. If you vote a lot, though, it often does not take as long to vote because chances are you will be familiar with a lot of the blogs (many bloggers enter again and again and again).

True confessions: The only time I don't give a vote much thought is when one of my peeps is battling. If I see someone who is on my blogroll in a battle, I automatically vote for them, regardless of who they are up against. But chances are, if they are on my blogroll, then I like them enough to think they are the better blog anyway. Crazy Like a Fox, Kentucky Girl, Bloggo Chicago and The CanadianSwiss Blog are all peeps who get my vote whenever I see them on the board.

Well, actually, hard right republican blogs or preachy relgious blogs don't get my vote either, just on general principles. Hmm...perhaps I am not as impartial as I thought.

I have tried a couple of different strategies, but I can't discern any kind of winning pattern. I have tried to just post my own challenges and I have tried to pick and choose what challenges I accept. My best success rate has been against very inexperienced blog battlers who only put up 10 credits, but those battles can take the better part of a day to resolve because voters mostly want to vote on 80 or 120 or 200 credit battles because they'll get a bigger piece of the pie than if they voted on a 20 credit battle. And I don't want to be limited to 1 or maybe 2 battles a day.

But there must be something to it. There are some bloggers out there with awesome records. And there a lot with horrible records. The latter always makes me wonder why they keep fighting. If my record was 13-56 I'm pretty sure I would move on to something I was a little better at.

And sometimes my paranoia kicks in about some of these blogs with lofty records. Is the fix in somehow? Is there a secret cabal of bloggers involved in a conspiracy by which they all network and vote for each other to assure themselves of high winning percentages?

And if so, how do I join?

And then I am puzzled by some of the blogs that are entered. I have seen blogs entered where the author is on hiatus. If you need a break from blogging, why are you taking the time to enter you blog in Battle of the Blogs? Isn't the purpose of taking a break to take a break? And how successful are you going to be? If I see a blog entered that hasn't had a recent posting, why should I vote for it?

And then I wonder about a couple of blogs I have seen that deal with very serious issues. For example, there was a blog I saw that was entirely devoted to depression and its causes, treatments, etc. Pretty heavy stuff. That is definately a worthwhile topic to cover and I have no doubt that it provides education and a forum for those whom depression touches. But having said all that, why enter a blog like that into what is a pretty frivolous activity?

But maybe that's me. I'm a different breed of cat.

I'm going to start cutting back my time on the site, because it is affecting my ability to visit all my peeps on a regular basis. But while I'll be cutting out most of the surfing and voting, I'll probably still keep on battling.

Well, I gotta go. My manager is calling for me. It's almost time to go back out there.

*Ding Ding*
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