My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Blogger is looking out for you...

You know, we complain a lot about Blogger. But sometimes, they've really got your back.

Twice this morning I have tried to record an audiopost of me singing Warren Zevon's "Desperados Under the Eaves" and twice during playback it was all garbled and unintelligible.

Blogger obviously does not want me to unleash my singing into cyberspace. They are protecting you, Gentle Listener.

And I was so looking forward to making eardrums bleed.

Perhaps another day.

Stupid Sunday Post

It's too bad that Rhesus monkeys aren't Reese's monkeys. Because then instead of flinging their feces at us, they could lovingly toss some delicious candy our way.

"Oh, thank you Reese's monkey. These chocolate treats are delightful and very refreshing!"

Well, it seemed funny at 3:15 this morning when I got up to go to the bathroom. It popped into my head while I was urinating. I'm surprised I remembered it. Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't.

We had a nice time on the Crap Quest yesterday, and I will post about it tomorrow. We got a great idea for a contest for the crap too. Mrs. Fab will be doing the judging. More information to follow.

And I got a couple of other ideas for posts. I'll be busy today writing it all down so I don't forget it. Oh, and I got my guest blogging gift from CP! I'll be posting about that as well.

And sometime this week, I am going to sing on an audio post. Blame Lorraine.

Starting tomorrow I am not going to have quite as much to surf blogs because I am bound and determined to start walking again every morning. This is it...I mean it...I'm gonna do it...

But I'll still be getting around to everyone. Who to stalk...

It should be another beautiful sunny day today. I'm gonna catch a few rays, finish that Stephen King book I've been reading, go out and take some pictures for a post idea I have, watch the Red Sox on TV, do the grocery shopping, burn a couple of CDs, take Mrs. Fab out to lunch, and in general just have a calm and relaxing mellow Sunday.

I leave you with our friend the fruit fly:

Saturday, April 29, 2006

We're on a quest...

I saw this toy first on Spidey's site and then on Beady's site, and I figured I better get mine up before I'm the last one to do it. Sorry it's not easier to read. It was as big as I could get it (boy, if I had a nickel for every time I said that) and it's too early in the morning to play with it anymore (again, boy if I had a nickel...)

Based on yesterday's post, a lot of people think I'm a metrosexual. But as I stated somewhere in the comments, I don't think I dress well enough to be metro. Plus I have sex with a lot of men.

OK, I don't really. Yet.

Actually, I better stop talking like that. Mrs. Fab has been giving me some strange looks since she read yesterday's post. Seriously.

We're going on a combined mission/quest today. The mission is to get out of the house and away from the computers and into the sunshine and fresh air. The quest is to aquire tacky and tasteless trinkets to use in future contests. We will be accomplishing both by putting the top down and cruising over to Daytona Beach for the day.

Be good, fly low, stay cool.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Must see TV...


I usually watch it with my pants down around my ankles.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Reasons why I might be gay...

Now I am not saying I am gay. And one or two or even five of these reasons added together don't necessarily mean that I'm gay. But if you take all of them and consider them all rolled together into a neat little package...

I go to a tanning salon

I use moisturizer

I use body wash, too

I am always careful to make sure my clothes match

I never flirt with women at work (I spend enough time getting called into HR, thank you) but I think nothing of flirting with guys. I have two guys I work with, Jason and Eric; that I am always talking about having sex with

I don’t get all excited about cars or tools

I never leave the toilet seat up

I like those old Olivia Newton-John songs from the seventies (Please Mr. Please, Have You Never Been Mellow, etc.)

I wear cologne

I generally work better with women than men

The other day at our weekly system-wide meeting I volunteered to give next week’s report wearing a dress if we made goal this week

It’s not the first time I have offered to do that

I am usually pretty good about noticing when women change their hairstyles, and I always comment on it. I also always tell them it makes them look younger, because it always seems to make them feel really good

I like disco music

I suck a lot of cock

Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

And the blogger prattled on...

this is an audio post - click to play

And yet she won't return my calls...

Shamelessly ripped off from Pud's site...

...which is where I found Celebrity Love Match. You have to answer 40 questions, so it's gotta be accurate (don't worry, the questions can be answered quickly). And you can choose to be matched up with either a male or female. I went the more conventional route.

Here is who I match up with:

Between us, I was really kind of hoping for Bea Arthur. But Nicole Kidman is good too.

If anyone else gets her, we'll have a three-way. Don't worry, it won't be awkward. I'll make sure you're all liquored up.

In fact, I'm up for a three way regardless of you who get. Call me.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Tired of me talking yet?

this is an audio post - click to play

Confused by porn...

I'm not much a porn guy. Let me tell you that right up front. Never have been. In fact, if it doesn't involve lemurs or young male Bulgarian gymnasts, I'm just not interested.

So I don't visit porn sites. But I sure do get a lot of offers in my Yahoo bulk mail folder. I do not find them enticing. In fact, they concern me. Because they raise questions that I am left wondering about. That's how my mind works. Yeah, I know. It's a burden.

A lot of them are worded strangely. Kind of like they were translated from English to German, from German to Spanish, from Spanish to Pig Latin, and from Pig Latin back to English. Often there is a word tacked onto the end which seems completely incongruous. Gee, I hope I used that word correctly.

I'll give you some examples. I've cleaned up the spelling a bit.

Tiny young teem ejaculating. Emancipationist.

What does this mean? Is Abraham Lincoln involved? I don't remember anything like this in any history book I read. "Hey baby, wanna 'free my slave'?

Crazy little chick swallows jizz. Wanna

Do I wanna what? Do I wanna swallow jizz? Is that what they are asking? Isn't enough that I use it as a skin moisturizer?

Stupid wife brutally ass fucked by pizza-man. Nanisms

Where do I start here? Is the wife just stupid in general? Or is she stupid because she let herself get brutally ass fucked? And why does the pizza-man feel it necessary to hyphenate his name? I had to look up nanism. It's a form of dwarfism. Could it mean the seven dwarves in Sleeping Beauty? Are the seven dwarves going around posing as pizza men (sorry, pizza-men) in order to brutally ass fuck suburban housewives? Does Walt Disney know about this?

Beautiful teen blonde masturbating. Problematical

What's problematical about that? I don't see a problem with it.

My young sister is getting slammed by my friend. Your

"Your..." Your what? "Your fault"? Is that what is being accused? How is it my fault? It's your sister and your friend...

Crazy little chick swallows jizz. Form

Form? Is there a form she needs to fill out before she swallows the jizz? What kind of form? Is is it a waiver of some sort?

Enjoy weekend savings at Books-A-Million

Now that is HAWT...

Filthy girls ass fucked by dogs.

Why are they filthy? Have they been gardening? Working on the car? And if you are going to have sex, don't you want to get cleaned up a little first? Even if it is with your dog?

Filthy girls sex near chewing horses. Dullish.

More filthy girls. And you know, there are probably a lot of words to describe this activity, but "dullish" is not one of them. Unless maybe they're just going through the motions. Well, they're probably tuckered out from gardening and working on the car.

You always wanted to use your penis as a billiards cue.

Excuse me? What makes you think that? First of all, I'm not a good pool player anyway. Second of all, if I had to substitute my penis for the cue, I would certainly lose every game. The only way I would be able to sink any balls at all is if I were allowed to crawl up on the table and nudge the cue ball continuously with the head of my penis until it rolled into another ball. And I don't see that happening.

Plus I'd never be able to go back to that bar.

Blonde girl blowing.

Gum? Up balloons? On a trombone? So much left unsaid here...

Shy old hag stripping and flashing her sex hole.

I thought you said she was shy.

My classmate with pierced clit got nailed in the backseat. Your.

Mine? It better not be in my car. I just had it detailed. I thought those vinyl seats looked awfully shiny...

Cub showing off huge cock.

A bear cub? Or maybe a Cub Scout? Gee, what kind of a merit badge do you get for one of those?

Nurse shoves stethoscope between her legs.

Is that sound medical practice? What sort of ailment do I have to claim to be able to see that?

Hannah gets wet and wild outdoors.

Yeah, those log flume rides at the water park sure are fun. I assume that's what they are talking about.

OK, if you will excuse me now, I have to jack off to a Books-A-Million circular. I'm very well read.

Oh baby...

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Why you...you...you...

Look what I found: The Insulting Name Generator. My life is complete. Everything up until now has been a waste of time.

Now when you are mad at me, you know what to scream.

My insulting name is Momfucker Humungousbottom!
What's yours?

Umm...that's Mister Humungousbottom to you, punk.

I am still emotionally drained from the Blogger problems from yesterday. I am extremely anal about my posts, I have to do them early in the morning, and when I couldn't I was driven to distraction until yesterday afternoon. Not good for the old productivity.

Plus I was consumed yesterday on arranging for the Karaoke for the party. Which I still haven't done.

By the way, you are all invited to the party as well. That goes without saying. May 20th, baby! Social event of the season.

Or not.

Now...where is your mom at? We've got business.

Monday, April 24, 2006

From the mouth of a dope...

this is an audio post - click to play

Pretending to be a photographer...

Sigh... Ever have one of those days? I can't take pictures worth a damn anyway, but usually can console myself with the knowledge that I can at least improve them marginally with Corel. But I am having problems getting my Corel to work. You know what I need? I need a full time tech support person with me at all times. I wonder how much that would run...

In any event, I wanted to take some pictures of the 34th Street wall in Gainesville. You're going to have to live with them warts and all.

I can't get a picture of the entire wall, it's too long, and 34th Street curves. But it's over 1000 feet long and serves as an outlet for people (mostly UF students) to express themselves.

Unfortunately, yesterday morning when I went over to take pictures, the graffiti did not seem to be particularly inspiring or well done. Sometimes there is some amazing work on the wall. This was not one of those times. But I'll be damned if I'm going to get up early and dodge traffic again.

A few months ago The Gainesville Sun did a piece on how thick the paint was on the wall. The consensus after some testing was that it was at least a half inch thick in some places, and closer to an inch thick in others.

Those of you who were living in Florida may remember the horrific Gainesville student murders committed by Danny Rolling in August of 1990. This section of the wall serves as a memorial to the five slain students. Sonja Larson's name is covered by the vegetation. The memorial has been up since shortly after the murders. Frequently it is painted over by students either ignorant or indifferent to the significance of this section, and it is always repainted by other citizens. Currently one of the UF fraternities has taken it on as pet project, and restores it when needed.

This is where Corel would have come in handy. Damn it. A number of years ago the city put up this little garden memorial in the center of 34th Street to serve as a more permanent memorial to the students. Each of the five palm trees in the backround bears the name of a murdered student.

Here is the memorial from the other side. This is Sonja Larson's tree.

As you might expect, Gator graffiti is abundant.



OK, I have subjected you to enough of what a charitable person might describe as "meager" photography skills. But I wanted to do a post about the wall, and at least I got it out of my system.

If you want to check out a real photog, do yourself a favor and click on over to my friend Lorraine's site. She takes awesome pictures. Plus she recently had a birthday. I think she turned 54, isn't that right, Lorraine? Heh heh.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Technology sucks...

I was all set to do another audio post but the service is down.

This is the last straw. Why do these things always happen to me? I renounce my religion!

Satan is gonna be pissed.

This is what they're really thinking...

I have long suspected as much.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Party Time!

Procrastination and inertia be damned. We are finally gonna pull the trigger on this party I have been threatening to have for several years. I always seem to waiting for the perfect time. There is no perfect time. Fuck it.

Saturday May 20. Oh yeah!

We're going to look at a karoke machine today that we want to rent. We definitely know we want to have karaoke.

Other than that, I need your help. I'm a little rusty in the party-throwing department. We were party-throwing pros in the 80's. That was a long time ago.

Does anyone have ideas for food and entertainment/activites? Or an idea for a theme? Yesterday Amanda and I were discussing themes, and the problem with most themes is that we often do blood drive promotions with themes, and most of the guests will be blood bankers, so many themes would be ho-hum to them.

It will be BYOB, of course, to avoid pesky liability. Mrs. Fab will do some of her fabulous baking. We don't want to grill because we want to be able to just circulate and enjoy everyone's company. It will probably be a combination of catering/purchasing/cooking but we have not made any choices yet.

There will be anywhere from 30-60 people or so. I'll have a better count in a couple weeks. What can we do to make it fun? I throw the question out to you, my blogging buddies!

Keep in mind it will be work people for the most part, so we're not looking for it to erupt into a drunken orgy of violence. Or any other kind of orgy.

That's what the parties in the 80's were like.

I still have scars. And a couple STDs.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Keep it down now, voices carry...

Yesterday I posted an audio post. People seemed to like it. I was a little surprised. I had done it a couple of times before, but it was a long time ago before many people were visiting the site, I guess.

I was a little taken aback at the comments I got saying I had a nice voice. I assume ya'll were just being polite and were looking for something to comment on. I don't really care for my voice. I've had people before say it's nice, but I can never understand why. Although I think I read somewhere that your voice never sounds the same to you as it does to other people. I can't remember why. I can't remember a lot of things.

But it gave me an idea. I'll do another audio post if you tell me what you want me to do.

Sing a song?
Read a poem?
Tell a joke?
Talk with an accent?
Make funny noises?
Talk dirty?
Curse like a sailor?
Read stock quotes?
Something else?

Let me know in the comments about what you would like me to do. Or let me know if you would prefer I forget the whole thing LOL. I'll take the 5 or so most popular suggestions and next week I'll put up a poll (once I figure out how to) and let people vote. And then I'll do it.

This could be a great idea, or a lame disaster.

Oh baby, I'll do anything...

You had to imagine me doing that last line all breathy and plaintive.

Hmmm...maybe it's better if you don't.

The reviews are in...

I have been reviewed by Tracy at Reviews by Melody Blue. It's a new review site. In fact, mine is only the third blog they have done a review on. Hey, check them out and submit your site. They are really nice folks. And I'm not just saying that because they gave me a good review.

They pretty much said things along the same lines that IT2M did; that my writing was funny but my problems were with design. That's my kind of review! As long as they like the writing, I'm cool. And I'm working on the rest of it. Well, Calista is...

They gave me some good ideas. Here comes another email for Calista!

My little guest post is up at Blog Writing Tips. It won't change your life, believe me. The site is one of several written by Pamela at New Century Notebook. The one thing you need to know about the relationship that Pamela and I have is that I call her Strawberry Girl and she calls me Mango Lad.

But I'm not telling you why.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

A nice discovery...

this is an audio post - click to play

Oh...this and that...

Let me just say this. There are times that my job in the corporate world is like....is like...

Hmm...must be careful here. Easy Fab, easy...

OK, I can sum up my job in the corporate world in six words.

Smiling Faces Sometimes by Undisputed Truth

The musically savvy in the crowd will know what I am talking about.

*************************************************************************************
Have you ever been driving down a two lane country road at night, and see some guy on a bicycle up ahead of you and you figure you'll have a little fun and scare him a little and so when you come up next to him you kind of jerk the wheel over to come closer to him so as to make him nervous but you overestimate the amount of space between the car and the bike and you actually make contact which sends him flying off the road and into a tree headfirst and by the time you bring the car to a stop and run back to where he lies he is already dead and you have no choice but to go back to your car, get the shovel you keep in the trunk for times when you get stuck, and you have to drag the guy about fifty yards into the overgrowth and bury him in a shallow grave you dig yourself?

Yeah, me neither.

Umm...just curious.

************************************************************************************

I have been asked by Pamela Weatherill to do a guest post for her blog Blog Writing Tips.

I am very excited about this opportunity to pass along some of my knowledge to folks either just getting their start in the blogging world or in need of a few ideas or a pick-me-up. I take this responsibility very seriously. I want to make sure my post is clear, well written, concise, helpful, intelligent, and timely. I am working on it as we speak.

Now...is it "Needle-dick-no-pussy-gettin'-motherfucker" or "Needle-dick-no-pussy-gettin'-mutherfucker"?

I can never remember.

************************************************************************************

Hey, does anybody know how to put a file into a post? I have a Powerpoint file I want to put in a post, but I can't figure out how to do it. Is it even possible? If you can tell me, I will be your very bestest friend in the whole wide world.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Seems about right...

Happiest Place on Earth, my ass...


I had a whole long post mostly written about why I hate Disney.

But when I was re-reading the post, it seemed surprising vitriolic. Much more so than the usual stuff I post here.

Don't get me wrong. I can be vitriolic. I can be as vitriolic as the next guy. I've got a side so dark it frightens my shadow.

I don't really know what that means.

I may have even been spewing bile as I wrote that post.

In any event, I don't usually show that side here, so I figured I would just post some anti-Disney pictures instead.

In short, I think Disney manipulates little kids and, by extension, their parents. They are an evil, souless, money-grubbing company masquerading as something else entirely.

Disney is the devil.

I know I'm in the minority here.

That's as much of my dark side as you get to see today.

And don't even get me started about Mother Theresa.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Bloggy Stuff


I know that no one really cares about all this, that's why I'm sprucing it up with (hopefully) amusing graphics!

I finally settled on a theme for my template, and I am very excited about it. Calista has been very patient with me. If she decides to ever give up being a graphic designer, she could make a comfortable living either dealing with mental patients or talking people off buildings.

I've tinkered with my blogroll again (if I listen very carefully, I can hear the majority of you groaning out there). It seems that a lot of people lately have burned out on blogging. I've set those guys aside for now, and have added several more fabulous blogs I have come across recently. Most of the new ones can be found in the Lobster Section (gonna have to change those titles pretty soon).

I have also added a blogroll called "Blog Stars" which is a blogroll started by Catherina, my new friend from Australia. Check out her blog The Rant Cafe.

If I may beg your indulgence for a moment, if you get a moment, let your eyes drift over to my sidebar under my Battle Of the Blogs rating. I have recently signed up for Top 100 Bloggers. I don't really know what it is, but I am competitive, so I would appreciate a click of approval, if you feel the urge. Please also feel free to rate me on VARB (which is underneath my list subscription service).

OK, that's enough whoring. Although, really, can there ever be too much whoring?

Speaking of the Notifylist.com, is it working for those of you who have signed up? I got rid of the other one because it kept breaking down.

Oh, and speaking of BOtB, I recently ran off a pretty good winning streak, and have now cracked the 150 barrier. Top of the world, ma! If you have voted for me, I appreciate it and am more than willing to start doling out sexual favors in return for your continued support.

On Blog Explosion I noticed that a couple people who have rated my blog have done so saying that they enjoy how my blog is about crafting. WTF? Craft this, punk.

I know my sidebar looks like shit these days. It's a complete clusterfuck. Oh Calista...

In other news:

*Elvis has been packed and shipped off to Blogaritaville, where he will be performing two shows nightly in the Palace Hotel Ballroom.

*I am just now realizing how hard it is to eat leftover fried turkey with your hands for breakfast while trying not to get your keyboard all greasy.

*My uterus hurts like a sonofabitch.

Tune in tomorrow to find out why the Walt Disney Company both sucks and blows. That's a very rare combination.

Fab out.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Man Crush Alert!

Clive Owen.

You can have Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Tom Cruise (please, somebody take Tom Cruise...away).

Clive is my man.
I first became aware of him in Sin City. I must have seen him before, because according to the IMDB he was in both The Bourne Identity and Gosford Park, and I saw both of those films. But it was in Sin City that he became my official celebrity man crush. And I saw him a lot in Sin City, a movie I have watched several times (it's one of my favorites).

The other movies I have seen him in are Derailed and Inside Man.
I just realized something. One of the reasons I like him so much is his voice and the way he talks. But he's English, and in the three movies I've familiar with he affects an American accent. So I don't know what he really sounds like.

Eh. No matter. He's still dreamy.

I would so let him do me. And I say that with a completely unblemished (so far) record of staunch hetrosexuality.
Do you have a same-sex celebrity crush? I think it's easier for a woman to admit to one. It will be interesting to see if any men fess up...

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Our Lord is risen, let's color some eggs!

Low impact posting day today. Just a few cartoons I like that will hopefully make you smile.

Happy Easter Everyone!

Oh, and Blogarita has been judged to be the winner of the Elvis painting. Thankyew. Thankyewverymuch.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Tagged!

I have been tagged by that irrepressible sprite CeCe over at Cyclone CeCe. I was going to do a brief post today about a man-crush I have (it's a famous actor **swoon**) but I guess that will have to wait.

Rules : 1) Write a few weird/strange/quirky things about yourself and post it in both my comments here and on your blog (if you do memes). 2) Leave a comment on their blog telling them they've been tagged.

My weird/strange/quirky things:

  • I don't know if this is weird or not, but Mrs. Fab says it is. When I clean my ears with cotton swabs I always have to do both ears simultaneously. I can't do one first and then the other. I just can't.
  • I employ a somewhat gross, yet 100% effective method for curing myself of hiccups. If holding my breath and/or drinking water doesn't stop then, then I'll stick my finger down my throat and make myself throw up. Works like a charm every time.
  • At work, at my desk, I haven't picked up the receiver on the phone in probably six months. I always put on my headphones when I place or receive calls, even if I know it's going to only by a 20 second exchange. I can't help it.
  • When I get food from a fast food restaurant like McDonalds or Wendy's, I have to eat the fries before I eat the sandwich. I never touch the sandwich until all my fries are gone. Yet, at a sit down restaurant, I'll nibble on the fries throughout the meal.
  • I don't like to carry my wallet. The only time I will carry it is when I know I have to use my credit card to pay for a meal. 99.8% of the time I keep it in my car. I don't like the feel of it in my pocket.

Let's see..who to tag....who is a closet weirdo....hmm....

I will say Heather-Anne, Marty, Melissa, and...Shannon. If you guys do memes.

And of course, the rest of you may feel free to participate your own bad selves!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Biggest Honor Yet!


I have won a Perfect Post Award (thanks Heather-Anne)! I have been named Sexiest Male Blogger (Thanks everybody)! But in the wee hours of the morning today I had an even greater honor bestowed upon me.

The incomparable CP asked me to be a guest blogger on her site.

If you know CP, you love her. If you don't know her yet, you gotta check her out. She is smart, funny, sexy, sassy, and one motherfucking fantastic writer.

You can check out my guest post here.

Would I steer you wrong?

Is this anything I should be worried about?

So I come home the other day and Mrs. Fab asks me if I know anything about the flags that our neighbor has put up.

I hadn't noticed any flags when I came home, so she takes me into the bedroom and has me look through the window at his house next door:

Beats me. Our neighbor is a little strange. We call him Used-To-Be Howard because I can't remember what his real name is. When we first moved to the neighborhood a guy named Howard used to live in that house. When he moved away, it just seemed easier to call the new guy Used-To-be-Howard.

Used-To-be-Howard served in Vietnam. I don't know if that means anything. But the very first time I met him he worked the fact into the conversation by the fifth sentence. That always seemed a little odd to me.

I mention that because I went out the next morning and took better pictures. The flags seem to be Far Eastern in origin I would guess:



Anyone have any ideas what these signify, and why he feels the need to hang them up between our two side yards?

It's not that he has any Far Eastern sensibilities. There is nothing Zen about this guy.

It's a puzzler.

Of course, I could just go ask him. But that seems like a lot of trouble. For one thing, I'd have to get out of this chair. And it's very comfortable.

Plus, that's probably what he wants me to do.

These flags seem like the sort of thing that smart, soulful folks like Jozee, Merlin Princesse, or Ginny would know about...

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