My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Blah, blah, blah...

Quiz reminder: you have until this evening to take the quiz and be eligible for the King. Details can be found here.

I’m sick of everything on my iPod. How is that even possible? I have over 5000 songs on there and when I’m at work I’ll scroll around looking for albums to play and nothing jumps out at me. That makes no sense at all. Hopefully it’s just a phase I’m going through. At 44, shouldn’t I be at the point where I’m not going through phases anymore?

I got one of those new Gillette M3 razors that are battery operated and used it for the first time yesterday morning. Oh my God! Best shave ever! Plus the way it vibrates and hums while I shave reminds me of a vibrator so by the time I am done shaving I am sporting a bit of a woody.

Since I have been shaving my head we are using more shaving cream but less shampoo, so I think it all evens out. We use about the same amount of cream cheese.

Of course, I still like to shampoo my nethers. I think it is important for one’s pubic hair to look lush and full, don’t you? And I don’t skimp on the conditioner. The devil is in the details, people.

I would like to find the people who are responsible for The Truth Laid Bear website and I would very much like to carve their hearts out with a spoon. My login doesn’t work and I have been trying for three weeks to get someone over there to help me. I have sent in numerous emails and generated several tickets all to no avail. It’s not like it’s a local company or store where I can show up and kick some ass. It’s very frustrating. I guess I’ll just take it off my site. Damn it.

I have got to start walking again regularly. I’m up early in the morning, but I just can’t seem to get myself out the door. So then I tell myself that I’ll walk in the evening but I don’t feel like doing it after work. It is a vicious cycle. In the Civil War if you were a man of wealth you could pay a poor man to take your place in the army. I need something like that where I could pay someone to exercise for me. I would pay him, he would walk, and I would get in shape. It would be a beautiful thing.

I will be in the Hernando branch all day tomorrow. The Hernando branch is located in Brooksville, FL. I have noticed when scrolling through my site tracking stats that I have a reader in Brooksville. If you are reading this, stop on by and say howdy. Unless you are a stalker, in which case still come by but bring a couple of knives from your kitchen, and maybe we can have a knife fight in the parking lot. I have nothing against you personally, but I think if I were to get into a knife fight it would make a great story and post for this blog. Oh, unless you are one of our blood donors. It would not be a good career move for me to be carving up donors in the parking lot.

I went ahead and joined the neighborhood tanning salon (I know, I know, many of you advised against it). It is taking me a while to learn the intricacies of the tanning bed. I thought you could just lie there, but apparently that will leave you with uneven spots, especially on your sides if you keep your arms down. So now I have to rotate during the session. It occurs to me that if they could build a tanning bed that was kind of like a spit, and you could be mounted on there like a stuffed pig and rotate around, that would really be useful.

If I was alone at the store I would be able to pick up the right kind of tampons for Mrs. Fabulous without calling her to ask which type she used. I think that is the measure of a good husband. Well, that and the fact that I tell a minimum of knock-knock jokes around the house. Those can get annoying.

When I came home for lunch on Monday I made myself a couple of tasty cold meat sandwiches (or, as we say down here, sandwiches). We recently started using squeeze mayo. You know, it takes a little while to get the hang of that. I splattered a bunch of it on the counter and I very nearly sprayed it all over the front of my black trousers. If that had happened I would have had to go back to work looking like I had jizzed all over my pants. That would have been another poor career move. They should put a warning label on those squeeze bottles letting you know the risks you take when you come home for lunch.

An anagram for “Pointless Drivel” is “Reviled Lips Snot”. So, you know, that would have been another way to go.


Blogger threecollie said...

Morning, Mr. Fab. Can't believe that I am actually the first one to leave a comment here...however pointless said comment may be.
Guess farmers get up early.

7:06 AM  
Blogger nanuk said...

Man, I HATE those squeezable mayonnaise dispensers. You'll notice that the bottle loses its squeezability when there's still a good third of the mayo left. And the opening's too small to get good access at the remainder with a knife. It's sort of like designing a whiskey bottle where the remaining few shots lie inaccessible at the bottom and must be thrown out. What is this world coming to?

7:16 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

Knife fight in the parking lot after school!

please do a post on it! ;-)


and the "lip snot" thing?

Go with it.

It's so you....

7:35 AM  
Blogger Sherry said...

And exactly how much cream cheese do y'all use?

7:39 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

good gawd man.. you made me choke on my coffee...LOL
I lurve the squeeze mayo..but yeah..not on my pants.:)

7:55 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

hehee I use sqeeze mayo and I will always have this picture in my head now LOL!

I am with much cream cheese do you use?? I have to get some today but I am making pies.......

8:24 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

ThreeCollie--Someone has got to get up early to milk the rabbits!

nanuk--Isn't it nice that Americans and Canadians can bond over matters such as this?

Pissy--Wouldn't a knife fight be cool? I bet they are common up there in hell...

Sherry--How much do we use? As much as it takes, baby, as much as it takes!

Sandi--Exactly! Only squeeze mustard is allowed on MY trousers!

Mel--Pies? Are you making enough for EVERYBODY?

8:45 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

I just hate when that squeezable mayo jizzez all ove the front of my pants.

9:45 AM  
Blogger cherish said...

I hate any kind of mayo. I have major issues with mayo. When I make my husband a sandwich with mayo I have this LONG spatula so none of the mayo gets on me. I hate the thought of it touching me. I think I may have to stay away from the squeeze mayo if it were to squirt on me I would probably give birth to a full grown cow.

Do you use the same razor for your head as you do for your face? I am having a hard time getting the picture of you shaving with a woody out of my head. ughhh...

Shampoo/Conditioner and tanning, hmmmmm no wonder you were voted the Sexiest Blogger!
Have a safe trip!

10:40 AM  
Blogger A Bottle Of Red said...

Go to one of those salons with a standing tanning bed. No stripes and spots. Maybe its not a relaxing but its a much more even tan.

Sorry but I love the squeeze mayo. Why? Because everyone in my house tend to get it all over if they don't use the squeeze kind. It would be on the knife which would be put on the counter then in a sink with a huge glop on it. Then you don't see the mayo there cause they didn't clean it and it gets on what ever you put there.. etc.. you get my jist?

Blah blah

Drool... bald shaved head.. Hawt.

10:55 AM  
Blogger Anne R. Key said...

Well, Mr.Fab., you are just all over the map today!

I don't mind mayo, but I have a weakness for Tzatziki sauce, and Janet and I go through a gallon every two weeks.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Ex-Addict said...

rToday, I shall call you Mr. Random!

11:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whenever I use mayo now I will think of you!

Hubby has been wanting that razor badly. But I am making him use up all his $15 razors before he can buy it.

11:46 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Lori--Although it's not as bad as when I get real jizz on my pants. Don't ask.

Cherish--You know, I have heard of people with mayo issues like that.

Hey, be glad I don't post a picture of the woody. It's just not that kind of blog.

Jaws--Hey, don't drool on my head! LOL

Anne--What is that? I must know!

Ex--Yeah, I just felt the need to empty my head LOL

Mimi--Aww...c'mon....give the guy a break...

12:05 PM  
Blogger Blogarita said...

So? OB? Tampax? The generic brand from Wal-mart? And do they come in a squeeze dispenser?

12:27 PM  
Blogger peebugg said...

Okay...I was a bit confused when you were talking about shaving your head...but as I read on....It cleared up my confussion.....

12:50 PM  
Blogger T. said...

If you can pick out the right box of tampons, then I bow down to you. That's pretty impressive. I, myself, cannot seem to buy the right kind either. There was a time when I had no less than five boxes under the sink that I hadn't realized were the wrong kind. The husband won't ever go to the store and buy anything like that for me.

2:50 PM  
Blogger CeCe said...

Yup. You're a good husband. Knowing the type of tampons your wife uses, really is true love!

5:02 PM  
Blogger Plunky said...

I find it amazing that you know what kind of tampons to get Mrs. F. I am totally going to have to ask my fiance if he knows. If not, I will them tell him he must because Mr F says that is a measure of a good husband.

All these pearls of wisdom, Mr F. Thank you. Thank you so very much.

5:19 PM  
Blogger barefoot_mistress said...

Do you have any Tori Amos on your IPOD? If not, it's time, Mr Fabulous! I voted for you!:P

5:41 PM  
Blogger barefoot_mistress said...

PS Buy the OB's applicators, less waste better for the environment.....

5:43 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Blogarita--Generic? Perish the thought! Mrs. Fab does not skimp on two things: tampons and toilet paper!

Peebugg--I know I don't always make sense. I'm glad I did this time!

T--LOL. I never heard of a woman picking out the wrong type of tampons for herself!

CeCe--Whew, that's good news!

Deb--Oh geez, I don't want him to be miffed at me now!

Barefoot--I have some, but not much. Am I missing out?

5:49 PM  
Blogger Dixie said...

Conditioning the nether region is okay but back away from using a straightening iron.

Mayo story begs this joke:

A woman goes to a mechanic complaining that her car is leaking fluids. He tells her he'll check it out and to come back in an hour.

She returns and the mechanic looks up at her and says "Ma'am, I see you've blown a seal." and she licks the corner of her mouth and says "Oh no, I just ate a ham sandwich.".

6:30 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Dixie--LMAO..that caught me just the right way and it killed me!!!

6:31 PM  
Blogger Dixie said...

And you know that joke tells much better when you can actually do the licking and mouth wiping motions when you tell the punch line. Heh!

8:42 PM  
Blogger Fantastagirl said...

Hey Mr fab - get out of your chair and go for a walk...

(now I need someone to come yell at me!!!!!)

10:37 PM  
Blogger merlinprincesse said...

HO! The knife is a good idea! If they don't want to give you their blooooood, use the knife. You will be sure to get some..... :)
I'm such a pacifist. And I love cream cheese!

11:30 PM  
Blogger shirley said...

Squeeze ketchup is just as bad. Makes you look like a serial killer!

12:21 AM  
Blogger Clo said...

I do love to come on your blog Mr. Fabulous, it is like taking a bath of holistic health! So full of spirituality, it relax me...
Squeezable mayonnaise, knife fight, shampooing Mr. Bush, ....

I do feel better now...

12:51 AM  
Blogger Spider Walk said...

Now, that was a HILARIOUS post!!

3:51 AM  
Anonymous dreamwalker said...

About that walking in the morning thing...I have been planning on doing that for weeks now!! One day I will :)

Oh, and post a pic of your tanned self when you're done.

4:30 AM  
Blogger CP said...

YOU SUCK!!! I am 20 minutes from Brooksville!!! And I am having KNEE SURGERY tomorrow!!! Come down to Port Richey and meet me while I am undergoing surgery! I will probably do whatever you want while in Twilight Anesthesia Heaven! My hotband will be there too! We can have a threesome! And then, Billy is only a half hour away, make it a foursome! I can get gangbanged during knee surgery! Do you realize I have had that fantasy for 18 years already??? Bring cream cheese too! Cream Cheese and Lemurs. On Pita Bread. Crazy sexy. Damn you. Damn YOU!!! Why tomorrow of all days??? *snarl, slap, tickle*


4:53 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Fantastigirl--Make me! LOL

MP--Where is all this rage coming from?

Shirely--True, but there are times I want to look like a serial killer...

Clo--Yes, it's all very zen isn't it?

Spider Walk--Thanks :)

Dreamwalker--Maybe I'll show off my tan lines...

CP--Shut up! Really? You know, if you really cared you would blow off the surgery and come visit. You can ALWAYS have surgery, but I am not in Brooksville all that often...

And how weird is this? My verification is: urlcp

6:10 AM  

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