My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Confused by porn...

I'm not much a porn guy. Let me tell you that right up front. Never have been. In fact, if it doesn't involve lemurs or young male Bulgarian gymnasts, I'm just not interested.

So I don't visit porn sites. But I sure do get a lot of offers in my Yahoo bulk mail folder. I do not find them enticing. In fact, they concern me. Because they raise questions that I am left wondering about. That's how my mind works. Yeah, I know. It's a burden.

A lot of them are worded strangely. Kind of like they were translated from English to German, from German to Spanish, from Spanish to Pig Latin, and from Pig Latin back to English. Often there is a word tacked onto the end which seems completely incongruous. Gee, I hope I used that word correctly.

I'll give you some examples. I've cleaned up the spelling a bit.

Tiny young teem ejaculating. Emancipationist.

What does this mean? Is Abraham Lincoln involved? I don't remember anything like this in any history book I read. "Hey baby, wanna 'free my slave'?

Crazy little chick swallows jizz. Wanna

Do I wanna what? Do I wanna swallow jizz? Is that what they are asking? Isn't enough that I use it as a skin moisturizer?

Stupid wife brutally ass fucked by pizza-man. Nanisms

Where do I start here? Is the wife just stupid in general? Or is she stupid because she let herself get brutally ass fucked? And why does the pizza-man feel it necessary to hyphenate his name? I had to look up nanism. It's a form of dwarfism. Could it mean the seven dwarves in Sleeping Beauty? Are the seven dwarves going around posing as pizza men (sorry, pizza-men) in order to brutally ass fuck suburban housewives? Does Walt Disney know about this?

Beautiful teen blonde masturbating. Problematical

What's problematical about that? I don't see a problem with it.

My young sister is getting slammed by my friend. Your

"Your..." Your what? "Your fault"? Is that what is being accused? How is it my fault? It's your sister and your friend...

Crazy little chick swallows jizz. Form

Form? Is there a form she needs to fill out before she swallows the jizz? What kind of form? Is is it a waiver of some sort?

Enjoy weekend savings at Books-A-Million

Now that is HAWT...

Filthy girls ass fucked by dogs.

Why are they filthy? Have they been gardening? Working on the car? And if you are going to have sex, don't you want to get cleaned up a little first? Even if it is with your dog?

Filthy girls sex near chewing horses. Dullish.

More filthy girls. And you know, there are probably a lot of words to describe this activity, but "dullish" is not one of them. Unless maybe they're just going through the motions. Well, they're probably tuckered out from gardening and working on the car.

You always wanted to use your penis as a billiards cue.

Excuse me? What makes you think that? First of all, I'm not a good pool player anyway. Second of all, if I had to substitute my penis for the cue, I would certainly lose every game. The only way I would be able to sink any balls at all is if I were allowed to crawl up on the table and nudge the cue ball continuously with the head of my penis until it rolled into another ball. And I don't see that happening.

Plus I'd never be able to go back to that bar.

Blonde girl blowing.

Gum? Up balloons? On a trombone? So much left unsaid here...

Shy old hag stripping and flashing her sex hole.

I thought you said she was shy.

My classmate with pierced clit got nailed in the backseat. Your.

Mine? It better not be in my car. I just had it detailed. I thought those vinyl seats looked awfully shiny...

Cub showing off huge cock.

A bear cub? Or maybe a Cub Scout? Gee, what kind of a merit badge do you get for one of those?

Nurse shoves stethoscope between her legs.

Is that sound medical practice? What sort of ailment do I have to claim to be able to see that?

Hannah gets wet and wild outdoors.

Yeah, those log flume rides at the water park sure are fun. I assume that's what they are talking about.

OK, if you will excuse me now, I have to jack off to a Books-A-Million circular. I'm very well read.

Oh baby...

39 Comments:

Anonymous Nunya said...

Okay okay, we get the point. You don't understand the intelligent porn mail that hits your inbox, geez!

5:33 AM  
Blogger nanuk said...

I'm sure your site meter will be milking (pardon the expression) this post for Google-referred hits for years to come.

"want to free my slave?" - hilarious!

6:12 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

It is filthy pizza-men working at Disney that is sending you the porn. Where can I find these filthy girls at? I got 2 dogs that need a bath.

6:44 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

HA!!! Sbornk! Hehehe. I dont get many of those, but They must think I am gender confused because I get offers to enlarge my penis and my breast size all at the time.

Free my slave....HA!

7:23 AM  
Blogger Jozee said...

I love the pool response. I'll have you know the whole 3rd floor of Packard's cheered you on in my mind. You might be able to go back there.
We'll just pass out "All the drugs your girl needs" from my spam.

7:42 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

LOL, once I settle down I'm sure I'll think of something coherent to say...nah I won't LOL, you made my day!
me too, I find books sooooo hawt ;)
gotta go (back to read them once more)

7:52 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

bwahahahaha...love it:)

8:35 AM  
Blogger CrankyProf said...

Gag. If the subject line makes me gag, why would I even open the mail or go to the site?

Now, I got a "Bulgarian Gymnast lemurs get nasssssty" mail I'll forward to you.

9:10 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

Are you trying to give your site meter a stroke?

9:30 AM  
Anonymous Andrea said...

I've stumbled upon your blog while voting on Battle of the blogs. This was the easiest decision I've ever had to make on that contest- thanks for making me literally LOL. Repeatedly.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Detroiter said...

Obviously, these emails are from third-world perverted minds. Give 'em a break; it's tough to master North American sex lingo.

Once again, Mr. Fab fills my sick need for sexual humor.

10:10 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Nunya--Duh! You KNOW I'm a dope!

Nanuk--I didn't think of that LOL

Lori--I'm sure I can scare a couple of girls up for you!

Mel--I didn't know you were a transexual...

Jozee--Packards! Nice reference!

Lorraine--If I made your day, that makes MY day!

Sandi-I knew you would :)

CP--I'm still waiting for it...

Mike--Giving it a stroke...sorry, I lost focus there for a minute...

Andrea--Thanks for the vote and the kind words!

Detroiter--It's a valuable public service I perform...

10:38 AM  
Blogger speckledpup said...

I always get so excited when I get these spams telling me how to enlarge my penis...

for a girl, this is great news.....
shocking,
but truly
really
exciting

NOT

10:54 AM  
Blogger Mimi said...

That stuff was just sick.

10:55 AM  
Blogger Itchy said...

"Filthy girls sex near chewing horses. Dullish."

My only question is why are they near chewing horses and what are the horse chewing on exactly?
I agree...doesn't sound very "dullish" to me either...

11:08 AM  
Blogger June Cleaver's Revenge said...

You get better porn spam than I do!

11:34 AM  
Blogger zhadi said...

Again, I ask you...what is this obsession with lemurs? Admittedly they're cute (okay, adorable - the SF zoo has got a great lemur enclosure filled with dozens of the cuddly beasts), but they have never inspired sexy thoughts on my part, unless 'awwwwwwwwww!!! look at the cute fuzzy wuzzy!' is considered sex talk.

I'm with everyone else on the 'free my slave' line...Spit take on that one.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

Ugh - I get enough of these as is! Although I have to say, your responses were quite funny.

12:28 PM  
Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

fwd the cub one to me! j/k or am I?? ;)

12:41 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Pup--But it really works. Umm..so I've heard, of course...

Mimi--I concur!

Itchy--I am assuming they are chewing juicyfruit gum!

June--They take care of their best customers!

Zhadi--The funny thing is, I added that as an afterthought at the last minute. Just goes to show, you never know...

1:49 PM  
Blogger T. said...

LOL You get some seriously dirty shit in your email. Dogs? Brutal ass fucking? Holy crap!

2:39 PM  
Blogger Guppyman said...

This looks just like the post I did yesterday.... But that's ok.... I wish everybody would drag their spam through the mud. It is surprisingly liberating and gives you something to do before hitting the dlete key....

3:17 PM  
Anonymous dreamwalker said...

Lol!! ...'free my slave'.

I get drug spam and not much of the porn variety ?! And what does that mean...the porn people haven't discovered my address yet, or want to be sure I'm healthy before they attack?

3:47 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

Wow! We are getting a Books-A-Million right up the street from us. I didn't realize the neighborhood was going so downhill.

4:05 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

T--Hey, it's not just spam, it's a way of life!

Guppyman--You did? I'll have to check it out. Great minds, you know...

Erin--Thanks :)

Beady--Let's see if I can find it LOL

Dreamwalker--I'll make sure they get your address :)

Lynda--You gotta move..

5:42 PM  
Blogger Mark Base said...

Nope. Not fair. You're too funny. Reading this "entry", I almost shyly stripped a penis off my backseat. From.

6:14 PM  
Blogger Leave It To Cleavage said...

What sites did you visit in the past that lead these things to you??? I get ones that say, Enlarge your penis and ones for
Via[gra. They're very strange. I hope you don't open them and thanks for sharing yours.

7:26 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

OH MY GOD you had me laughing out loud. Your.

I'd love to see the google searches that lead to you now!

10:41 PM  
Blogger peebugg said...

I've been told that dwarf sex is in....this of course is 3rd hand information and I don't want to know where those hands have been.

11:44 PM  
Blogger Brianne said...

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm totally with you on the porn spam as it clogs up my college email account every morning!

11:52 PM  
Blogger shirley said...

LOL!! Oh man, you made me laugh so hard, I farted on my boyfriend. (Luckily his laughter masked the sound) (but not the smell)

You've made me want to get spam!

12:39 AM  
Blogger CeCe said...

You make me laugh out loud. Thanks.

1:47 AM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

LOL! I can't wait to read the Google/Yahoo keyword searches you'll have on your stats. I DO hope you'll post about it!
Bwahaahhaaa!!

4:09 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Mark--At least it was YOUR backseat!

Leave--That's the weird thing, I never go to any of those sites. I guess I just seem like the type of guy who would be into all that LOL

Heather--Yeah, I'm gonna have start checking that now!

Peebugg--I was told you were THE authority on dwarf sex. Fess up!

Brianne--You must have been visiting some naughty sites. I heard about you college kids...

Shirely--You are SUCH a romantic!

CeCe--My pleasure :)

CS--In fact, I am going to go look right now...

5:13 AM  
Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Good grief! You DID get on someone's naughty list, didn't you?

Too funny!

8:11 AM  
Blogger WriteWingNut said...

Oh my gosh, I am laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes!!!!!

And you are going to get hits from the strangest people after posting that!

5:10 PM  
Blogger Plunky said...

LMAO! You must post your google sitemeter next week cause you know you are going to get some sick searchers coming here! Wanna Dullish

9:01 PM  
Anonymous SodaPop said...

hahaha those were sick! loved the commentary :) thanks for my evening laugh!

10:51 PM  
Blogger Clo said...

Totally hilarious!
I already had noticed the title of those porn things... It's the same in french!
Nice to see that the seven dwarf are now delivering pizza! Cool! Do you have their phone?

12:31 AM  

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