So many people to thank…
I hope I don’t tear up as I write this. I don’t want my mascara to run.
First I have to thank Mrs. Fabulous. She stood by me during the whole campaign, her tireless support and indomitable spirit never wavering. Not even when those tabloid pictures of me in a Motel 6 with a couple of underage lemurs surfaced.
She is my rock.
And of course I have to thank my Campaign Manager, Pissy. She is the one who threw my hat (and my speedo) into the ring with her nomination. I owe her so much for the drive and determination she exhibited in propelling me to the top, that I am not even going to have her investigated for those nasty rumors of fiduciary misconduct that have been circling around her during the campaign. Keep the money, Pissy, you earned it!
My Marketing Director, MerlinPrincesse did a fabulous job on the ad campaign, as evidenced by this masterwork:
Conventional wisdom is that it was this photo that put us over the top! Plus, having her on the staff swayed the all important Canadian Vote!
And thanks also to CP, whose constant accusations that I was a vote whore kept me grounded. You can always count on CP to keep it real!
And lastly I would like to thank my honorable opponent, Ralph. He waged a good campaign, and fought a good fight. I thought he would drop out when I had him audited, but he did not. I thought he would drop out when I put sugar in his gas tank, but he did not. I thought he would drop out when I had sex with his wife. He did not. I thought he would drop out when I had sex with him, but he did not.
By the way, he's a very gentle lover. Ralph, call me?
In the end, it came down to hair. The ladies love a bald man, and he still has a little, while I shave completely.
Now, I don't know what the deal was with BOB being shut down. I assume it has something to do with either the government, aliens, or Ryan Seacrest. But I will not let it interfer with the post victory celebration. Everyone is invited over to Billy's where the drinks will flow and blood will spill and I will fulfill my campaign vow of performing oral sex on every last one of you. Hey, I am nothing if not a man of my word.
Like my crown? I was really kind of hoping for a jeweled scepter, because being able to wield something like that would in some small way make up for the fact that I have a small penis. But what are you gonna do?
Plus I could use it to sodomize lemurs.