My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Forty-Four Lies About Mr. Fabulous...

My middle name is Elvis
I have a nine and a half inch long penis
I have eaten panda

My tongue is furry and smells like freshly cut grass
I am a practicing cannibal
In 1976 I was married to Shelly Winters for 27 days
My spleen produces delicious coleslaw
I am one of the founding members of The Kinks

If I go back to Ecuador I will be arrested and put on trial
I have an artificial rectum made of cardboard
I once impregnated a manatee
I can eat my weight in Skittles

When startled, I pee lighter fluid uncontrollably
If you repeat my name three times fast your cat will explode
I was raised by boll weevils. Sexy, sexy boll weevils.
I reproduce asexually
The government allows me to pay my taxes in Clark Bars
I can fit $97 of quarters in my large intestine

I breathe in oxygen, but I expel chrome
I enjoy gay porn from Mongolia. Sexy, sexy Mongolia
Every time I sneeze an angel files for bankruptcy
My hair clippings make an excellent topping for ice cream
If you cut off my limbs, they will grow back longer and fuller
My head is filled entirely with Styrofoam peanuts

My favorite color is Peanut Butter
Once a month I bathe in a tub full of 1000 Island Dressing to keep my pores clogged
The fillings in my teeth can pick up Icelandic folk songs
I invented Gummi Worms. Sexy, sexy Gummi Worms.
The last solar eclipse? I totally did that.

In Latin my name means “Fuzzy Wuzzy”
My car is made entirely of cat litter and straw wrappers
There is a tiny family of four living in my belly button. They are all named Gustav.
I used to Jello wrestle Nobel Prize winners on the pro circuit.
I’m Batman

My ribs are held in place by shoelaces
I can understand what animals are saying, but they always just curse at me
I always cry when I read “Marmaduke”
My car runs on a combination of corn syrup and toaster strudel
If you put your tongue in my ear, you can taste hard candy
My eyebrows are attached with Velcro. Sexy sexy Velcro.
The sound of an electric can opener gives me an erection

My belly button lint is considered an aphrodisiac in Singapore
You know how they say eyes are the windows to the soul? My eyes are the windows to Detroit.
I enjoy being beaten with really large strips of bacon


Blogger Lori said...

For some reason I have a hard time believing the can opener one I bet it does give you an erection.

6:31 AM  
Blogger Blogarita said...

We have something in common!

The sound of Elvis being beaten with really large strips of bacon makes me file bankruptcy with a manatee named Shelly Winters.

6:43 AM  
Blogger Sherry said...

These must have took some time to come up with.

7:36 AM  
Blogger A Bottle Of Red said...

97 dollars with of quarters!! That just made me cringe at the through of passing all that.

Ooww.. oww.. oww....

8:35 AM  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hey, I actually can eat my weight in Skittles! ;)

10:28 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

heh! Wayyyyyyy to much spare time on your hands, Mr. Fab????? ;-)

Those were great!

10:36 AM  
Anonymous Nunya said...

I can't tell you this enough...there's something REALLY wrong with you, lol.

10:40 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Lori--You would be suprised at what gives me an erection!

Blogarita--I had always suspected as much! Nice to know my instincts are still finely honed...

Sherry--Sometimes they are hard, sometimes they flow easily. Either way, I have issues.

Jaws--The quarters are no problem. However, the half dollars are a bitch...

Stacy--We should have a contest!

Pissy--No arguement there! LOL

Nunya--I concur. But it could be argued that's part of my charm. Or not...

11:19 AM  
Blogger peebugg said...

You should be a porn chef.....between the can opener, cole slaw, 9.5", cardboard rectum, hair clippings and the bacon, I am sure there can be a few good videos....

and have the Gusov-s ever thought about exporting your belly button lint??? could be profitable....

thanks for a great laugh so early in the morning

11:32 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Hey! It's opening day at Fenway my friend....

What will YOU be doing at 2:05 pm today???? :)

11:46 AM  
Blogger Gary J. Wood said...

Those things you call "styrofoam peanuts" are known in some parts of the world as "ghost farts".

Sexy, sexy ghost farts.

1:05 PM  
Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

Well, this is certainly the most ... er... original meme I've seen.

1:26 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Peebugg--A porn chef, eh? I wonder if I can make a living at that...

Rebecca--I'll be stuck at work, damn it. Don't tell me you're going...

Gary--It's like you Canadians have a different word for everything...

SK--I gotta be me! Hey, you went back to the original avatar...

1:49 PM  
Blogger Ex-Addict said...

On top of being Sexiest Male Blogger, you should definitely win an award for most creative!

2:30 PM  
Blogger Maidink said...

I'm having a difficult time not believing the manatee and lighter fluid ones.

And the can opener one.

3:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What man doesn't enjoy being beaten with large strips of bacon?

3:58 PM  
Blogger kari said...

Mmmmm. Bacon.

5:10 PM  
Blogger Billy said...

Agreeing with Pissy here, waay too much time on your hands.

You just kill me Fab, kill me.

5:40 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Ex--Plus, I can combine the two and be creatively sexy!

Maidink--I am sworn to secrecy!

Mimi--My point exactly! LOL

Kari--Bacon, it's delicious AND arousing!

5:40 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

Bacon! I smell BACON!
Bacon BAcon BACON!

5:55 PM  
Blogger Dixie said...

Mr. Fab, I may very well have to marry you.

6:10 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Lori--Oh, that may be my cologne...

Dixie--Well, OK, but it may not be that easy...

7:39 PM  
Blogger cherish said...


You are too funny for words!! I loved this post very clever!!

8:52 PM  
Blogger Some Girl said...

Oh good god that had me in stitches. Being beaten by large strips of bacon did me in. You are a sexy thing aren't you!! LOL

9:29 PM  
Blogger jkirlin said...

They aren't ALL lies. I just know it. Or at the very least some are lies less than others.

9:50 PM  
Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...

That's all made up. Except for the one about bacon. Everyone likes being beaten with bacon.

10:21 PM  
Blogger CP said...

No lemurs?

No love for the loyal.


11:47 PM  
Blogger shirley said...

One thing you should know about me, Mr. Fabulous: all of those things are true about me!

11:50 PM  
Blogger Belinda said...

These may be "lies," but based on your history with appliances, I'm not sure I doubt the can-opener thing.

Also? I can totally picture you with a colon full of quarters.

12:23 AM  
Blogger Clo said...

And YOU are always accusing me of taking pills an alcohol together?

2:02 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

You're a goober.

4:17 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Cherish--It pleases me that my mental illness has the power to amuse you! :)

Some Girl--Sometimes there is a fine line between sexy and mentally unhinged...

JKirlin--You caught me. The one about my penis is true...

CP--The lemurs have asked me to help them maintain a lower profile.

Shirley--And that is why you are my role model!

Belinda--So can my proctologist, unfortunately.

Clo, Yes, and I still do! LOL

Erin--I believe the technical term is "dork".

4:56 AM  
Blogger Anne R. Key said...

Batman makes me hawt.

11:15 AM  
Blogger Ginnie said...

I was expecting a link that I would go to where after I answered a few questions I'd have my own list of lies. Now if you could come up with THAT, Mr. Fab, you would really be cool. You DO have too much time on your hands!!

11:46 AM  
Anonymous dreamwalker said...

Refrigerators and can openers...Hmmmm...

Those Gustav's must be having an orgy, living with all that sex inducing lint!!

6:10 PM  
Blogger June Cleaver's Revenge said...

Well darn it, I keep kosher. No bacon. And that sounded like such fun.

10:54 PM  

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