My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Meet my kid sister!

I bet y'all didn't know I had a kid sister did you? Just goes to show you don't know everything about me. I didn't want to tell you about her until she got out of jail. We are so thankful that the amount of coke she was busted with was just short of being enough to be charged with intent to distribute. I'm not upset at her for getting in trouble. Why? Because she is my sister. And because it was my coke.

You've probably seen her around in the comments section of this blog. She pops in quite often. Our family is close like that. She even has her own blog, Shelli's Sentiments. You ought to check it out. She is the sensitive, caring, nurturing one in the family. I'm the funny and charming one.

Since we're family, I have gone ahead and added her as a team member on Pointless Drivel. I think it might be a good idea to class the place up a bit. You will like her, trust me. She lives in Minnesota, but don't hold that against her. She loves cold weather and the Minnesota Vikings. You can go ahead and hold that against her if you want.

So you will see her around from time to time, as the mood strikes her. She will provide a nice balance to my highly specialized brand of insanity. Although I'll probably want to clean up my act a little. I don't want her ratting on me to mom like she used to do when I would put the dog in a dress and practice my ballroom dancing technique.

They put me in military school for that one. Thanks, sis.

We call her Lil' Fab around these parts. Don't you wish you had me for a brother?

Dragons and Coke

When we were growing up, we lived in a castle. A big beautiful castle with a huge amount of land for us to explore everyday. Me, Mom, Dad and Master Fab (that is what our nanny called him back then, he changed it to Mister when he turned 18). During the day, he and I would play in the yard chasing small animals and each other. We would play hide and seek, tag, Shelli says (he always let me be the boss) and any other game we could dream up. We had to be imaginative. There was only us. We lived miles from any other children.

Occasionally, we would come upon some dragons. Dragons are kind of scary. Okay, they are really scary. But you know what? Big Fab was always there to protect me. He was dragon slayer extraordinaire! He was awesome to watch. I would hide in the bushes and he would go all postal on any unsuspecting dragon who tried to toast his little sister. He talks a big game about me being a pain in the ass and all that, but really, he is a brave warrior with a soft heart.

That is why I spent all that time in jail. I was doing it out of love. Love for my brother. I took that coke and I claimed it as mine. He slayed all my dragons. It was the least I could do.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Dramatic Reading: I Love the Nightlife

this is an audio post - click to play

Katt apparently blames me for her slide into dementia, and as such has demanded as reparations a dramatic reading of I Love the Nightlife.

While I admit no culpability in this matter, I will comply. Because she is a little down right now because her husband is away on a job. Because it give me pleasure to make others happy. But mostly because I am a dork.

I did it on the first take even though Mrs. Fab started to make me laugh halfway through it because she was convulsed in silent giggles. She finally had to look away. It seems I gesture animatedly when I do these readings.

Like I said, a dork.

The Stalker's Guide to Mr. Fabulous

I am distressed. I have no stalkers. How can I be a blogging icon if I have no stalkers? Toward that end, I have decided to make it easier on y'all.

Here is where I work. I think my office is the third window on the first floor from the left in the picture. I think. You would think I would know. Of course, this is only where I work until the transfer comes through.

Eventually I will work here, across town at the branch. No windows. I will work out of a bunker-like office. It will be a race to see which will kill me first, the lead paint or the asbestos. Or the rats may overpower me and chew me to death one afternoon. Won't that be nice?

This is where I bring my work clothes. No starch on the shirts. The woman who works there in the morning is from Michigan. Why do I mention that? Because it is hard to find anything to say about a dry cleaner.

This is where I tan. This is where the magic happens. The home of the brown nipples!

This is where I get my gasoline and also where I get my big ass Diet Coke fountain drink in the morning. Every morning they ask me if I want a car wash and every morning I say no. But still they ask. You have to admire that kind of indefatigable optimism.

Here is where we get our groceries. I do most of the grocery shopping. I like plastic bags, I never get the paper. I felt you needed to know that.

I am in here a lot. Ice cream. Low fat. Low carb. And delicious. I usually get some variation of chocolate. I like chocolate. Yesterday I had chocolate cappacino.

And this is Casa del Fab. The Fortress of Solitude. My sanctuary.

Come on by. I'll leave the door unlocked. I like to encourage intruders.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Contest Winner makes Mr. Fab WORK

Dawn from So A Blonde Walks Into A Blog... won the contest, even though she was sure that Mrs. Fab would throw her entry away if it was drawn.

Mrs. Fab is made of sterner stuff than that.

Blonde's choice was James Blunt's You're Beautiful. Of course, it was the one song I wasn't familiar with. But after looking it up on iTunes, downloading it, printing out the lyrics, and practicing it many times...well...it could be argued that I still wasn't familiar with it.

But I gave it my best shot. A deal is a deal. It is a nice song. I apologize in advance for ruining it for those who like it.

And thank you to all who entered, and who checked out my very first renter!

this is an audio post - click to play

My fabulous Sunday...

First of all, do you realize that it has been probably ten days to two weeks since I have had any posts referring to either masturbation, my penis, or sex with lemurs? Remember that phase where it seemed that was all I blogged about? How carefree and innocent those days were!

So I'm lying out in the sun yesterday in the early afternoon. I always bring a book out with me, but I never read it very long because I can't concentrate on it in the heat. So I end up just laying out there thinking about stuff.

I really need to stop bringing a book out, because then it lies there in the sun and the glue dries out. Note to Christine: the next novel I give you after I finish will not be a book so much as a collection of four hundred some-odd loose pages held together with a rubber band.

So I'm lying on my stomach on a blanket with my head down and I hear a rustling in the grass. I'm thinking that one of the squirrels has dared to venture a little closer than usual. I lift up my head.

And come face to face with a big-ass snake about two feet in front of me. Level with my eyes. Looking at me.

Uh-oh.

Nah, that didn't happen. I'm lying. But wouldn't that have been a cool story if it had been true? Nothing cool like that ever happens to me.

Although I did go to the mall yesterday. Which is weird, because I was just saying to my friend Shelli about three hours before that I hate the mall and only go there about twice a year. But I guess yesterday was one of those days.

Ironically, we didn't buy anything at the mall. I was looking for a pair of sandals and some computer software, and we bought bought both, but not at the mall.

I bought the sandals across from the mall at the Birkenstock store. Does the wearing of Birkenstocks reinforce my metrosexual tendancies? How about my homosexual tendencies? I thought the male sales clerk at the Birkenstock store was pretty cute. I even thought of taking a picture of him on the sly with my cell phone so I could post it and find out which of you ladies I have the same taste in men as. But I came to my senses before that could happen. I did mention to Mrs. Fab that I thought he was cute, but Mrs. Fab has pretty much learned to tune me out over the years.

Poor Mrs. Fab. Even before we got to the mall after the Birkenstock store:

As I eye a 20 foot grassy hill seperating one mall parking lot from another...

Me: Do you think I could make it up that hill?
Mrs. Fab: Maybe
Me: I totally think I could
Mrs. Fab: You would get a ticket
Me: For what?
Mrs. Fab: Causing property damage
Me: What if I didn't cause any?
Mrs. Fab: There would still be a fine
Me: How much?
Mrs. Fab: I don't know
Me: Ballpark it
Mrs. Fab $250? $500?
Me: So?
Mrs. Fab: What do you mean so?
Me: Don't we have $500? Wouldn't it be totally worth it?
Mrs. Fab: You would be cited for criminal trespass
Me: No I wouldn't. I can walk up it without it being criminal trespass. What's the difference?
Me: Are you sure you're in law school? I would so totally crucify you in court!
Mrs. Fab: Heavy audible sigh

As we're walking into the mall through the food court

Me: Something smells good
Mrs. Mmmm... something does smell good
Me: I think it's hamburgers. But we can't have any, we're having burgers tonight
Mrs. Fab: That's true
Me: Hey everyone likes the smell of grilling burgers and that would make a great anti-perpirant!
Mrs. Fab: No. When you sweated you'd smell like hamburgers
Me: Exactly! Everyone loves that smell! Don't you see? Don't you?
Mrs. Fab: Heavy audible sigh

Lots of heavy audible sighs yesterday.

The software I bought was some audio package that will allow me to get karaoke tracks and record my vocals over them. If you people insist on encouraging me about this, I am gonna beat it into the ground until people start circulating petitions to get me to stop audioblogging.

Actually, with this program I can just create audio files and post those. Um...once someone explains to me how to do that.

Y'all are gonna be sorry now. Suckers!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Spring cleaning...

I figure this is a good time to do a little cleaning up of my draft folder. Some of this stuff has been hanging around for a while, and I just haven't gotten around to posting it.

But before I do that, check out my contest regarding my renter. We're coming up on the end of her lease. Here is your chance to hear me butcher the song of your choice, just for you.

By the way, I want to thank all you guys for helping me be such a good landlord my first time out. I'd like to take every one of you home and do sexy things to you with a spool of thread and a No. 2 pencil. But I'm a busy man.

Now, I'm going to post some stuff that has been hanging around awhile. My OCD, however, won't let me delete them even though I should probably do that rather than post them. If they were that good, I would have posted them when I first wrote them.

I figure this is a good time to do this, because it's Sunday and a holiday weekend, and there aren't as many of us around. Please don't feel the need to comment on them. It's enough for me that I've got them out of my drafts.

You have been warned...


I've just about had it with you people, and I am putting you on notice. Not all of you, but some of you. And you know who you are.

You people at the movie theater, standing in front of the ticket booth, still undecided about which film to see. Look at a newspaper beforehand! How can you go through life like that? Who goes to see a movie having absolutely no idea of what is playing or what you want to see?

You people at the drive-thru at the fast food restaurant who can't make up their mind about what to order. It's McDonalds! You've been there a thousand times, judging from the way your car is lilting to the left. The menu hasn't changed. Place your damn order!

You people at the grocery store who wait until the order has been rung up and bagged before it dawns on you that you have to actually pay for the food, whereupon we must suffer as you rummage around for your checkbook, a pen, your driver's license....It's all I can do not to club you in the back of the head with my leg of lamb.

By the way, how did a leg of lamb get in my cart? I don't eat lamb...

You other people at the movie theater who don't turn your cell phones off. You're bad enough. But the people who actually answer their cell phones and carry on a conversation....unless you are a doctor getting called in to do emergency surgery... How can I enjoy the movie when I spend the rest of it fantasizing about ways to kill you?

You people at the restaurant who let their kids run wild. Look, I know you should be able to eat out. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you need to wait until they hit their teens before the family can dine in public. But if they start crying, or yelling, or otherwise behaving badly, take them out of the restaurant until they can behave. I'm paying for this meal!

Listen up, cats and kittens. Mr. Fabulous is getting himself a brand new bag.

One of the nice things about living in Gainesville is that the University of Florida is here.

I have been in touch with a couple of their top mad scientists, and they have assured me that it is well within their area of expertise to replace the pupils in my eyes with deadly laser beams. Powerful, destructive, scary laser beams.

I suggest that you people start subscribing to the tenents of common courtesy. Or the smell of seared flesh is going to become pretty prevelant.

You have been warned.

Indulge me...

Okay, so I know I did this a couple of months ago, but I wanted to do it again. Last time was Billy Joel. I felt I needed to go a little darker this time...

Pick one musical group or artist. Answer the questions with a song title. That said…on to the survey.

Group/Artist: Warren Zevon

Are you male or female: Excitable Boy
Describe yourself: Trouble Waiting to Happen
How do some people feel about you: Mr. Bad Example
How do you feel about yourself: Model Citizen
Describe current relationship with boyfriend/girlfriend: She’s Too Good For Me
Describe where you want to be: Down In The Mall

Describe how you live: Splendid Isolation
Describe how you love: Tenderness On The Block
What would you ask for if you has just one wish: Lawyers, Guns, and Money
Share a few words of Wisdom: Let Nothing Come Between You
Now say goodbye: My Ride’s Here


And who knows, I may do it again. I'm a rebel.

I got soul, baby...

I am a Bright Star Soul

You Are a Bright Star Soul
Like a shining star, you have no trouble being the center of attentionIn fact, you often feel a bit hurt when all eyes aren't on youYou need to be number one in everything, no matter how trivialAnd it's this ego that both hurts your confidence and helps you achieve
You're dramatic and a powerhouse of pure energyYou posess a divine quality or uniqueness that's hard to defineA natural performer, it's likely you'll become famous in some circles.Just learn not to take everyone's reaction to you so personally!
Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Now what I have to do is have Mrs. Fabulous take the test and hope she scores either Newborn or Prophet Soul.

Otherwise it's over, and this whole union has been a lie.

I am just that impressionable.

Vittles

Ice cream. I like ice cream. But I have never understood the unholy combining of ice cream with other treats. Pie a la mode? Disgusting. Root beer float? Appalling. Ice cream and cake? Give me a break. Ice cream by itself is a delight. Ice cream combined with something else just fucks everything up and renders the whole mess inedible.

Okay, I grant you lactose intolerance. But aside from that, why would anyone order a hamburger when they can get a cheeseburger? Cheese is delicious! It makes the burger even better! Why? Why go somewhere and order a hamburger? Makes no sense. Who are these people?

People who salt their food before they even taste it should be put to death.

Why do we eat fruit and not vegetables for breakfast? I like asparagus. Why is it weird to eat asparagus for breakfast instead of an apple? Why can’t I eat a salad in the morning? Why can’t I have a banana with my steak and baked potato at dinner?

These are questions for the ages, I suppose.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Visit my renter and I might serenade you!

Have you had a chance to check out my renter yet? She's only around for a few more days. You know how neurotic I am. I want to make sure I am a good landlord.

So I'll tell ya what we're gonna do. I'm gonna bribe you. I shouldn't have to, because she is worth checking out regardless, but I'm gonna cover all my bases.

Go check out the Catster (I haven't asked if I can call her that yet, but it feels right) , and in my comment section copy one of the 100 things about her that she lists. It can be any of the 100, but you can't duplicate one that has already been left.

When you leave your comment, also list what song you would like me to audioblog next. On Sunday evening I will write down the names of those who have entered on pieces of paper, and I will have Mrs. Fab pick a winner out of my Blues Brothers hat.

If your name is picked, I will record your request and post it on Monday morning. And dedicate it to you. It can be your favorite song. It can be whatever song you want. I will sing it just for you.

So, to summarize:

1. Click on the thumbnail near the top of the sidebar
2. Check out the always fabulous Cat
3. Visit her 100 Things section
4. In the comment section to this post copy one of the 100 things. Don't duplicate
5. Also in your comment pick the song you want me to sing (please list the artist too)

The winner will get their choice sung to them on Monday.

And while you are rooting around through her personal stuff (Mike, get OUT of her underwear drawer) and checking under her bed, take some time to check out her posts. She is one interesting, complex, and facinating lady. And she's a great writer.

*************************************************************************************
We ended up not doing karaoke on Thursday because of everyone's schedule. But we're going to go this coming Thursday, when more people will be available. Anyone wanna come along?

*************************************************************************************
I am looking forward to a nice relaxing three day weekend. Today we are going here. Aside from that, who knows? We'll make it up as we go along.

*************************************************************************************
Everyone have a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend. That's an order.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Fab Sings Zevon!

So you would rather I sing than read these songs, eh? Well this ought to cure you of that particular affliction.

I probably should not have done it as soon as I woke up this morning.

If you still want to hear me sing after this, y'all are whack!

this is an audio post - click to play

Overheard at Casa del Fab...

Mrs. Fab was bemoaning the fact that her "time of month" had come:

Me: Maybe I should blog about that
Her: Maybe I should punch you in the head

See how she is?

We were on a mission from God...

The presentation was a huge success. People were expecting a boring PowerPoint presentation. What they got was David and me bursting through the front doors to Can't Turn You Loose and taking the stage.

We did Everybody Needs Somebody to Love and Gimme Some Lovin' first. It was hard for Mandy to get good pictures. We were dancing and moving all over the room so most of them came out all blurry.
Then we stopped to do a little off the cuff presentation whereby I tried to get everybody pumped up about our All Star Blood Drive program. It was good we had a bit of a break. I could not have done three songs in a row, and I don't think David could either. The first two numbers took a lot out of us.

Then we made everyone put on fedoras and sunglasses and grab a microphone, we put the words to Soul Man on the screen and made everyone get up and do it with us.

Everyone had a great time.

But Jesus, we've got to train for that next time. My entire set of clothes was wringing wet by the time we were done. It was as if someone had pushed me in a pool fully clothed. Want proof?

Do I look a tad sweaty?

Out of shape + hot crowded room + heavy suit jacket + wool hat. You do the math :)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?

With apologies to the six people who indicated a preference in the recent poll for me not to do any more of these...

I thought I would get warmed up for my singing post by doing a reading of Do Ya Think I'm Sexy.

It's not a dramatic reading as much as it is a...smarmy reading. Yeah, that's about right. I was going for smug and smarmy. It's another voice I don't recognize.

Please do not throw tomatoes. Because, you know, you would only be throwing them at your own computer screen. And sometimes those seeds get stuck deep in the keyboard.

this is an audio post - click to play

Mandy's got my back...

I am jammed, slammed, and flim-flammed for the next few days with the manager's meetings and other work, plus today will be a late night because of Karaoke. I will not be able to do much visiting until Friday, but I promise I will catch up over the weekend.

When I got out of the meeting last night, Mandy has surprise me by emailing me a guest post. So without further ado:

Since I know Mr. Fabulous is swamped with management meeting stuff, I have decided to help him out in the only way I can. I shall relieve him from the tedious task of having to come up with an endlessly entertaining blog post, at least for one day anyway. So, here you have it…

Another Guest Blog from Co-worker Amanda

Do any of you bloggers out there ever think up something in your head so clever it makes you giggle out loud? I say you bloggers, not including myself in that because I am not a blogger.

Anyway, I came up with a new saying that made me made me laugh hysterically in my head. Oh, I am SO original. So, here it goes,

“Put that in your blog and post it!”

Huh? Huh? Feel free to take that and use it at your leisure. I know – it’s a keeper.

I am really getting a kick out of this whole guest post thing. I think Mr. Fabulous does not capitalize on all of the prime blog fodder that goes on around here. Take right now for example, Jennifer just made a “joke” and is now going around to other employees trying to convince them that it’s funny:

Maura is in the community copy room, making copies (okay, duh, sorry) for about an hour now.

Laura (needing to make a copy): “Oh good, Maura’s taking a break.”

Jennifer: “Good thing she’s taking a break, her arm must be really tired from making all those copies”

Me after taking a moment to get it because it was so not even a joke: “Oh groan, that was so not funny.”

Jennifer: “What? Not funny? Was too.”

Braden: “Yeah, um, no, not funny”

Jennifer runs to the copy room laughing hysterically.

Jennifer: “Maura, Maura, hey is your arm tired from making all those copies?”

Maura: “Huh?”

It was so not funny that it was funny!

Okay, maybe that was not such a good example, but there are some really funny things that go on around here on a daily basis. Here, how about this (this one made me ROFL):

Steven leaves his office for a minute. A lab employee (we’ll call him Bill to protect his anonymity) is passing through the hallway.

Bill: “Laura, is it okay if I go in Steven’s office and borrow his phone for a minute?”

Laura (not wanting to deny anyone needing to make an important call)” “Sure, go ahead.”

[Two minutes later] cut to scene of Bill leaving Steven’s office, phone in hand, cord dragging on the floor behind him.

Laura and I just stared at each other in disbelief, and as soon as Bill was out of earshot, began laughing hysterically. What else could we do? Laura had already said it was okay for him to borrow the phone. From now on, she’ll be sure to clarify whenever anyone asks to “borrow” a phone.

Then there’s some REALLY funny other stuff, but they are primarily inside jokes, so I don’t think you all would find any of it humorous. Like when we were at lunch yesterday…

It was me, Sharra, Jennifer, Mr. Fab and David, who was visiting from out of town. Sharra, Jennifer and I were being particularly silly.

Mr. Fab: “Stop you guys. You’re creeping David out.”

Me (under my breath so only Mr. Fab could hear): “Well, then I guess the feeling is mutual!”

Oh, if I could only tell you “the rest of the story’ then you would see the humor in my response to Mr. Fab. Sorry though, I am really not at liberty. Sharra and Jennifer (and Braden if your reading this) you KNOW what I’m talking about.

Then, there was that one day that Mr. Fab made fun of Braden for being metro, oh no wait, that’s every day. But still, it never gets old. The metro references are always funny.

All in all, it’s a really fun place to work. Well, aside from the fact that people will DIE if we don’t do our jobs. We save lives for a living, you know. It will surely not be as much fun around when Mr. Fab goes. He will be sorely missed. We can only hope that he will enjoy his time in hell. And by hell, I mean the location that he is transferring to – he’s taking another position in the company, he’s not dying you know.

Thanks, Mandy! What a gal, eh? Give her a big hand, ladies and gentlemen!

I promise I will post about the Blues Brothers presentation tomorrow.

And pretty please, if you have not clicked on my renter yet, click on the thumbnail and give her some love. I'd consider it a personal favor. Which would mean, of course, that I would owe you.

Easy now.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Audio Bloggin', Landlordin', Nipplin', Performin', and Misc.

Damn. Is that the worst title for a post, or what?

Audio Bloggin'

Here are the results from the 47 people who voted in the recent poll as to what they would like my next audio post to be:

Sing a song of my choice 11 votes
Scream and curse like a madman 8 votes
Dramatic reading of "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" 7 votes
Talk like a deranged preacher in the pulpit 7 votes
For the love of God, no more audio posts, Fuckball! 6 votes
Dramatic reading of "I Believe in Miracles' 5 votes
Dramatic reading of "Talk Dirty to Me" 3 votes

The people have spoken. I will choose and sing a song. I have recently discovered that iTunes carries Karaoke music, so I'm pretty pumped about that. I will look over the library this weekend and maybe even record a couple of songs that I will post next week.

I will still likely do some of the other choices. I really like the idea of writing some material for a deranged preacher post. And I may do the cursing one after work one day. I usually curse all the way home anyway, I'll just record it this time.

So stay tuned for more audio blog hijinks!

Landlordin'

Damn, it is no picnic being a landlord these days. I love Cat, don't get me wrong, but if it's not her pantyhose hanging on the shower curtain rod, it's the nude aerobics in the dining room or the cockfight tournament she hosts in the backyard. She's a little high maintenance, if you get my drift.

Still and all, she makes a mean tuna fish sandwhich. I think she adds mayonnaise to the tuna, rather than just opening up a can and spreading it on the bread like I do. It's delicious.

Do me a solid, and click on the thumbnail up on the top of my sidebar. If you haven't checked her out yet, I trust you it is worth your time.

And hey, if you're really good, I'll send you some photos of the nude aerobics. For a special price.


Nipplin'

Remember the mood rings people had in the 70's? Those rings that would change color depending on your mood?

There are times when my nipples seem browner than others. In fact, I had to wait for a while before taking that picture last week because it took a while before I thought they were as brown as they could be.

I think I have mood nipples.

Performin'

I am pumped up about our Manager's Meeting today. Twice a year we have a meeting that all the managers and directors come down for. It lasts three days. I am not usually pumped up about this gathering.

So what is the difference? I have to do a presentation. Well, that's not the difference. I do a lot of presentations. But this one is special. My special promotions coordinator and I are doing a Blues Brothers presentation. We're making a big entrance, doing Somebody To Love and Gimme Some Lovin', then doing a short interactive presentation on special promotional blood drives, closing with Soul Man, and then exiting triumphantly.

We did a dress rehearsal yesterday afternoon. I am nervous about the sound system doing what it needs to do, but I am tremendously psyched to do the act. I can't wait. You know how much I love to show off :)

I am hoping there will be some pictures I can post.

I'm so shy.

Misc.

The bad thing about the three day meeting is I will have limited time to be online. I don't do too much personal stuff online at work, but I do like to keep up with my email and my comments. Oh well.

A bunch of us on Thursday night may go back to that Korean BBQ that has the karaoke rooms. It's in our blood now!

On American Idol tonight; bye bye Katherine. We'll miss your breasts.

Not much sleep lately. Plus I am not someone who enjoys the taste of relish. So, there you go.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I'm a landlord!

I'm glad I got the house cleaned up in time to rent out a room. This is the very first time I am taking part in Blog Explosion's "Reny My Blog" program. Basically, what I am going to try to do every week is to point you toward a blog that I feel is worthy of your attention. You can trust me that I'm not going to be renting to anyone that I don't think is worth your time.

You may look at my blogroll and think "Holy crap, this guy will put anyone on there." And with 105 blogs listed (plus another 25 in a favorites folder) I can see where you might think that. But trust me, I am not easily impressed. The length of my blogroll is merely a reflection of how many blogs I view in my travels. I look at a lot of blogs. I spend a lot of time online. I have zero life.

Anyway, this week I bring you Cat from Living with Multiple Personalities. Cat has been on my blogroll for quite while, so I am very familiar with her.

I am facinated with Cat's blog. She writes about her history with MPD very frankly and openly. I'm one of those people who has always imagined myself to have mental health issues. For a long time I had self diagnosed myself as a sociopath, and then more recently I had self diagnosed myself as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Damn it, there must be something wrong with me LOL.

But Cat's the real deal, and she's funny and entertaining. She is also a pen kleptomaniac, and has a contest up where you can win a really cool Six Feet Under pen. She is also a wife and mother of two, and is a whiz at computers. And most importantly, on the header of her blog, if you look really closely, you can catch a glimpse of her underwear...

She's also a Hypnotherapist and a devotee of Lucky Charms cereal. She's a published poet and photographer. She is an honest to God, twenty-first century Renaissance woman!

So go ahead and click on the thumbmail on my sidebar. I don't want her to get mad at me. I am certain that she has powers far beyond those of mere mortals. She must!

It is very exciting to be able to bring your attention to a fabulous blog that you may not be aware of. However, the flip side of the "Rent My Blog", the part I know I am going to hate, is having to turn down all the other bidders. And what made it especially tough for me in turning down the five other bidders I had is that I know and like all of them. All five are either already on my blogroll or are fixing to be added soon.

They are all worth a gander, trust me:

Meltwater. Torrents. Meanderings. Delta. Matt is an intelligent, adventurous, rugged outdoorsman. In short, he is everything I am not.

Tricia's Musings. I bragged about Tricia yesterday. She is one of my favorite bloggers ever. And now the rumor is she has two more blogs on the way, for a total of five. My mind is officially boggled...

Tiny Voices In My Head. Dawn aka Webmiztris is an intelligent, adventurous, rugged...no wait.
She is a web designer and an office manager, and yet has no concept of what a volume knob is on her computer. Very odd...

The Fifth Column. Schadenfreude...isn't that the coolest blogger name ever? The only problem with this blog is the name of it reminds me of a group of villians in City of Heroes which gets me thinking about the MMORPGs I used to play, which starts my leg twitching.

Angels and Demons. French Canadian Lady is a Red Sox fan. There is no higher life form on this planet. She lives up in Western Massachusetts, which is where I hail from originally. She is, as the kids say, da bomb. Do the kids still say that?

It was hard to have to click "deny" next to these guys. It hurt me. It hurt me way down deep inside, where I'm soft like a woman.

So if you've got a minute, click them on and give them a look.

But click on Cat first. She's the one paying me room and board! If you don't you will have to listen to me whine like a...like a...well, like something that whines. Like a whiny...whine-thing.

Yep. I majored in English.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Stupid BlogMad!

Well, apparently I have a third post today. Or rather I am having a third post thrust upon me (and we all know how painful that can be).

BlogMad has, for some odd reason, decided that Pointless Drivel is the blog of the day today. So, of course, if I don't acknowledge that fact today, there is no point in acknowledging it at all. Tomorrow they will be on to someone else.

This answers the question "Is BlogMad a drug-free environment"? And the answer is "No." They are obviously on something.

A special thanks to the always fabulous Tricia who clued me in about BlogMad's insanity.

And a special apology to Tricia as well, as this is the second time she has had to endure the lame drug testing joke.

I am sure she took it well. That's just how fabulous she is!

I included three links to her because she has three blogs. That sort of overachievement really chaps my ass. But I love her anyway.

You know what also chaps my ass? If I leave it hanging out a window for six hours on a really cold day. Brother, that's a lot of Chapstick, you know what I'm saying?

Update: You know it just occurred to me that it made no sense for me to give you the link to BlogMad because all it will do is give you the link to this site, which you are already at.

My head hurts.

Update Redux: This seems as good a time as any to mention that once in a while this collection of dreck makes the the top ten at BlogMad on a given day:

This despite the fact that the VARB ranking for my blog is lower than the average ranking.

What does that mean?

I'm not sure, but I prefer to think that it means I am one of those misunderstood geniuses.

I am a weiner...no wait...winner! I am a winner!

The awards just keep piling up. Maybe I better build a virtual trophy case. Or perhaps not.

In any event, MC of Culture Kills...Wait, I Mean Cutlery has awarded to me the very first Homer Simpson Transmundanity Award.

I won it for my audio post of I Touch Myself. The award is bestowed on "one of the freakiest (in a funny way) things I've seen during a 7 day period".

Which is odd, of course, because he couldn't see the audiopost. But, being as he is Canadian, I am willing to cut him a little slack. After all, in Canada I think you can only go to school up through the eight grade. After that you either go to work in the snowball mines to support your family (if you are a male) or you marry your first cousin and raise a litter of babies with flippers (if you are a woman).

I'm pretty sure I read it in Newsweek.

I was disappointed to learn that there is no money attached to the award, but then I realized that even if there was, it would likely be Canadian money, and Canadian money is on a par with
expired green stamps as far as actual worth. So I reckon it's for the best.

So I am the very first winner of the award, which filled me with so much pride that I actually urinated on the floor in excitement. Now I have to concentrate on eventually being the first two time winner.

Maybe there will be some actual money with that.

Note: I actually had four posts for today, but that is just too fucking many. I'd have to hire an intern to keep up with the comments. So tomorrow I will post about who I am choosing as my very first tenant (a matter which is already causing me considerable angst and anxiety), and about the winning choice of my audio post poll.

After party notes

People loved the chocolate fountain we had. We had all kinds of stuff you could dip into it: cookies, marshmallows, strawberries, pound cake, pretzels...

The bad thing about the chocolate fountain, it turns out, is that it is an absolute bitch to clean. I would rather clean the turkey fryer every day for two weeks than clean the chocolate fountain once. It's an ordeal.

Luckily, the job became much easier once I threw it in the garbage in disgust.
People have asked why I posted no pictures of Mrs. Fab. Good question. She would prefer I don't, and out of respect for her I abide by her request.

Personally, I think there are outstanding warrants out on her that I don't know about, and that's why she doesn't want her photo out there.
People also asked about the stuffed animal room. I have some pictures of it I took a while back, and I meant to post them, but I guess it slipped my mind. I will try to do a post on it this week. It's really quite...astounding.

Karaoke safety tip: If you post a picture of your nipple the day before a party, your spouse will shout out during almost every one of your songs "Show us your nipple!"

It can be quite distracting.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Social event of the season...

Damn, having a party is a lot or work! And there is still a lot to clean up. But I thought I would take a few minutes and share some pictures.

I think all in all we had about 40 guests. And everyone seemed to have a very good time. People were slow to get into the Karaoke, but once they did (after the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol) it really started to swing. In fact, we paid Tribute Entertainment to stay an extra hour until midnight. And then it was only because he had to get going did we finally stop. I think the hardcore crowd would have sung for another couple of hours.

We had a great time. Of course, we had way too much food. So we sent a lot home with people. But better too much than too little right?

Those of you who listen to my audio posts will be happy to know that Christine, who reads the blog regularly, put in a song request for me without my knowing it. And I bet you can guess what it was. Yep, I'm Too Sexy. Of course, I did it. Who am I to refuse my public?

I'll have to see if anyone has a picture of me doing that song. Because when it came to the part "I shake my little tush on the catwalk", I shook it, baby!

I got her back by making her sing "Baby One More Time".

Here is a perfect two picture set that captures the progression of the party perfectly:

This is Sharra, Jason, and Amanda (Mandy) at the beginning of the party. By the way, my house is not really crooked. That's how Jennifer takes pictures. Notice how well behaved and mellow Sharra is? Fast forward five hours...
And she and Wendy are licking the chocolate fountain!

Don't they look purty?

This is Christine and I singing Paradise By the Dashboard Light. Of all the songs I sang last night this one and She's A Lady, which I sang for Mrs. Fab, were my favorites. Check out those tan gams of mine.

Here I am kissing Jason after we sang The Partridge Family's I Think I Love You. Let the record show that I did all this stuff stone cold sober. I am just that dorky.

This is Wendy (a different Wendy) and TJ and their little girl Taylor in Mrs. Fab's stuffed animal room. I don't know if I spelled their daughter's name right. I hope I did.

There were two Wendys, two Jasons, two Christines, and four Jennifers at the party. I guess we're working to get to the point where eventually there will be one name for all women and one name for all men.

This is Regina, Liz, and Steve. Steve was the best singer of the night. He's in a band, and he stuck to his strengths. He didn't try to do anything stupid, like I did when I tried to sing Radar Love. That was hard. It's easier when I do it by myself in the car. Umm..the singing, I mean.

Marsha, Dave, and Michele. These are three of the folks I'll be working with when I go back to the local branch.

This is Laura and Jennifer (the one who works for me and is plotting my overthrow).

And here is Sharra, Wendy, Christine, and (another) Jennifer belting out Love Shack.

And here is Jake. What a stud, eh? I gotta tell ya ladies, he's dreamy. Hmm..it looks as if he may have had an adult beverage or two or fourteen. He did a very loud rendition of House of the Rising Sun.This is Kim, Scott, their son Will, and Sharra. Kim is pregnant again! Way to go, Kim!

I don't know who was singing here, but it certainly inspired Dave to shake his groove thang. And I didn't even know he had a groove thang. That's Jennifer sitting down, Jason in the backround (see how everyone has the same name?) and Christine (see?) clapping her hands.

Here's Mandy and Jennifer singing If I Had $1,000,000. With, of course, the King in the background.Here's Cheryl and Dean stuffing themselves :) In the background is Christine and Ed. Ed was the karaoke guy. He was awesome!

Here's Michael. I'm not sure what song he's doing here. He did several, including a very impressive rendition of Ice Ice Baby. Michael was the one who fell for the old marble trick. I emptied out the medicine cabinets in both bathrooms and filled them with marbles, figuring eventually somebody would do a little snooping. Heh heh.

OK, I think the dishwasher is done. I have to get back to cleaning. I'm trying to get as much done as possible before Mrs. Fab wakes up. And then I'm gonna take her to lunch. I've got to get this place looking spiffy because I am renting out a room later today. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

I have way to much garbage for the Tuesday pickup. I don't know what I'm going to do with it all.

I hope you're all having a great weekend!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Saturday gig...

I did my usual Saturday gig at Jin's site today. I did my best to channel my inner sociopath.

Low impact posting day (plus my nipple!)

I don't often post stuff that I receive in emails, but I have a couple that I want to share, and this seems like a good time to do it, as I will be very busy getting ready for tonight's party. I hope to catch up on everyone's blogs by tomorrow night.

I think I'll keep the poll up over the weekend and on Monday morning we'll see what choice most people voted for.

This came to me courtesy of my friend Karen:

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office: "Oh, and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God .... My God. How could it possibly finally be?"

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says .... "How many is a brazilian?"

And this is courtesy of Jake, who is a co-worker of mine:

How To Shower Like a Woman:

>>Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
>>Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
>>If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>>Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
>>Get in the shower.
>>Secure the shower curtain so water doesn't get on the floor.
>>Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.
>>Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
>>Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>>Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner.
>>Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
>>Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
>>Rinse conditioner off hair.
>>Shave armpits and legs.
>>Turn off shower.
>>Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
>>Spray mold spots with Tilex.
>>Get out of shower.
>>Dry with towel the size of a small country.
>>Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>>Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
>>If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

>>Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
>>Walk naked to the bathroom.
>>If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
>>Look at your manly physique in the mirror, admire the size of your, wiener and scratch your butt.
>>Get in the shower.
>>Wash your face and your armpits.
>>Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
>>Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
>>Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
>>Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
>>Wash your hair and make a Shampoo Mohawk.
>>Pee.
>>Rinse off and get out of shower.
>>Partially dry off.
>>Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

>>Admire wiener size in mirror again.
>>Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
>>Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
>>If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
>>Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

Have a great day!

And, "woo woo"!!!

And finally, Bluepaintred has been on my case about posting a picture of my nipples that have gotten brown from tanning. I hope she'll be happy with one nipple. Here it is in all its glory:


So...blame her!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Speak now or forever hold your peace...

The audio posts really seem to be a hit. With most people. Tired of 'em yet?

I put a poll up in my sidebar (yeah, I'm surprised I was able to figure it out, too).

Lori wanted me to do a dramatic reading of Do Ya Think I'm Sexy

French Canadian Lady wanted me to do a dramatic reading of Talk Dirty to Me

Pissy Wanted me to do a dramatic reading of You Sexy Thing (I got the title wrong in the poll)

Detroiter made me think of doing a post as an evangelist

A Blonde Blogger wanted me to sing

All by myself I thought of cursing, because I like to curse and I am good at it.

And then, for those of you who would prefer I just shut up, a seventh choice!

I was contemplating making one of the choices "Fake an Orgasm" but I ultimately decided against it for two reasons:

Mrs. Fab would likely not appreciate it

No one at work would be able to look me in the eye again. Well, except for those at work I have already had sex with.

You know who you are.

Hit me!

Odds and ends...

I have 83 contacts in my cell phone. Is that a lot? It seems like a lot to me, especially since I only really converse with a dozen or so on a regular basis.

I have a ridiculous number of drafts both finished and unfinished, seventeen at last count.

I am thinking about giving the lemurs a rest. I'm looking for a new direction. I don't know if I'll find it, but I'm looking for it.

Tomorrow night is the party. So much to do.

I know what my phone number is now. I can also remember what my phone number was when I was in high school 26 years ago. I can't remember any phone number I've had in between.

I still don't know when my official transfer is taking place. It is very hard to operate with a foot in each theater of operation. I hope a decision is made soon.

I've been a little conflicted about a lot of things lately. I need to go on a retreat or something.

Three posts in one day is probably too many.

My job is a Shakespearean tragedy...

I follow him to serve my turn upon him

There are scurrilous dealings afoot in the corporate office.

I am watching my back. Assassins are everywhere.

I fear Jennifer is plotting against me. Secret meetings are being held, hushed whispers are being uttered, plans are being drawn, schemes are being hatched, and alliances are being formed.

Yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look. He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous.

Let me just say that I am glad that the date of March 15 is not imminent.

Et tu, Brute?

Mandy is doubtless in on the shenanigans as well. She longs to fill the power vacuum created by my transfer. I surmise that she and Jennifer have forged an unholy bond against me. Of course, they deny everything. But that is to be expected.

Methinks she doth protest too much

And Bradon…where does that metrosexual blackguard figure into mix? Could the trip to Canada to do advance work for the Five Points of Life Ride merely be a cover story, a ruse to deflect attention from his real mission?

And what might that mission be? My sources tell me he is really in Ottawa to secure assurances from the Canadian government that there will be no repercussions or retaliation in the event of my “disappearance”. They know my base of power is strong in our neighbor to the north.

I am a dead man walking.

They fear that I will reconsider my transfer and remain in power. And now that they have a whiff of what life would be like with me gone, they will leave nothing to chance.
They are unwilling to gamble that I will follow through with my unlikely request.

Give me my robe, put on my crown; I have Immortal longings in me

Of course, I could be wrong.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Clearly I am out of control...


this is an audio post - click to play


OK, I hope I haven't jumped the shark with this schtick. Leave it to Cleavage was quite adamant that I do a dramatic reading of this song.


I hope the audio is OK. I did it from my cell phone. And it doesn't seem to be my normal voice. I seem to have been channeling...well, I don't who or what I was channeling but it ain't normal.


I think I went a little too dramatic.


************************************************************************************

Phone call yesterday at 5:30 PM:
Mrs. Fab: I'm going to be late tonight. Go ahead and order pizza if you want.
Me: OK, I'll see you when you get home.
Mrs. Fab: I'll call you before I leave the office.
Me: Why? Just come home.
Mrs. Fab: I want to give you a chance to get the lemurs out of our bed.


Do I talk about lemurs too much?

I couldn't get the spacing right for this post. Screw it. I'm no friggin' rocket scientist, that's for sure.
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