My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Guest Posting...Such a deal!

I should have thought of this long ago. Guest posters. Specifically, guest posters from work. Much less work for yours truly!

The other day I asked Jennifer to write a post about what it is like to work for me (she would prefer I say with me, but make no mistake, I own her ass). I thought it might make for some interesting insight for those of you who think I really am fabulous. According to Jennifer, not so much.

Without further ado:

What it is like to work with Mr. Fabulous? Hmmm, a few words come to mind like moody yet generous, fun and not so fun, and unpredictable. To quote Forrest, "Life is like a box of chocolates". What I am saying is that each day is different, ya never know until he gets to work.

Mr. Fabulous and I have been working together for about 1 and ½ years. It is just the two of us in our department so we work pretty closely. Amanda, who works close in proximity to us, has broken up and decided who the winner of most of our disagreements. It is unspoken that her word is pretty much final. That is not to say that once she breaks the disagreement, it doesn't get brought up again. Especially if I know I am right. Whatever the matter, Mr. Fabulous goes home and tells Mrs. Fabulous and she always gives her opinion. If she agrees with him, he tells me about it in the morning. To hear Mr. Fabulous tell it, I am picky and opinionated and strong willed. Those things are true, but in a positive way. Unlike the way he portrays it. For a while, I was not looking forward to meeting Mrs. Fab since Mr. Fab assured me she didn't like me. Since, we have met several times. I think he was wrong. She was very kind to me.

In Mr. Fab's blog, I noticed he mentioned getting his eye brows thinned out. That is a direct result of me pointing out the fact that his eyebrows needed some attention. He pretty much keeps up with that. We don't talk about it anymore. Same deal with the ashy elbows. He is a regular moisturizer now.

Since Mr. Fab also mentioned Sharra, she is Mr. Fab's other direct report, I don't know that she won't corroborate at least part of my report. Keep in mind that she is in another building and I am right next to him all day.

All in all, Mr. Fab is a pretty good guy. There are a lot worse people to spend my time with. It is the good times that keep me going. There are more of those than there are not. Although, since I just got back from maternity leave, he needs to get warmed up. He is just feeling the relief that I am back now. Wait until I piss him off. It is only a matter of time.

P.S. I always get blamed for the mess in Mr. Fab 's office. (You will know what I am talking about after you read Amanda's post.)

Blah blah blah. She was actually a little kinder than I would have thought. I would like to point out that her original draft was rife with style and usage errors, and that was after Amanda proofread it. I had to point out to them all the mistakes so they could correct them. And they did, for the most part.

FYI, "eyebrow" is one word, Shakespeare. And by the way, you make it sound like I have meager supervisory responsibilities. You forgot David, the 40 or so people in the Donor Scheduling Center, and the 50 or so recruitment personnel in the system.

She's a bitter little hedgehog.

Not to be outdone, Amanda wanted to guest post as well. You may remember Amanda from the "masturbation in the parking lot" drama back in December. I originally hired Amanda many years ago when I worked in a branch, and she has since held many positions in the company. Currently she works in Corporate Affairs, creating public relations materials and tracking center promotions.

Oh, and did I mention she writes press releases as well? Which is odd, because she not only missed a lot of errors in Jennifer's draft, but her own post had several mistakes I had to point out.

That does not make me feel very good about the material we are putting out there.

Just kidding. OK, Amanda, you're on the clock:

It is true that I am the settler of all arguments between Jennifer and Mr. Fabulous. I never show favoritism to one side or the other. Since I am always right, I merely point which one of them is correct. It seems to be a good system we've got going here. There is generally no gloating from the correct party and no tears from whomever turned out to be in the wrong (Although, there was that one time I could hear Mr. Fab bawling in his office afterward. FYI Mr. Fab: your office door is not soundproof.) Anyway, if it weren't for me, Mr. Fab and his work wife would have been divorced long ago (read as: Jennifer's ass canned.)

I don't have any examples of recent arguments I have settled, but I would like to share with you all a little slice of what it's like to work with Mr. Fab. (I say with and not for, because although he hired me to the company, Mr. Fab is no longer charged with my keep these days. Jennifer and Sharra are the only ones he need feed and water on a regular basis)

May 4, 2006

10:42 a.m.

Mr. Fabulous emerges from his office where he has been holed up all morning with the door closed. (Side bar: we always wonder what goes on in there when he closes the door, since it is a pretty rare occurrence. I did not hear any screaming lemurs, but I have a feeling he keeps them gagged anyway)

So, okay, Mr. Fab storms out of his office and the following event ensues:

Mr. Fab: "WHO left a piece of candy wrapper in my office?!!!"

Me: "What kind of candy?"

Jennifer: "Not me, I wasn't eating candy in your office."

Me: "Oh no, was it from a Ring Pop?" (I had opened and eaten a Ring Pop in Mr. Fab's office the previous day. Ring Pops that he brought to the office I might add.)

Mr. Fab: "Yes! Ring Pop! I knew it was you; the way you love to slurp down those Ring Pops like there's no tomorrow. You were so desperate to get that sweet candy to your lips that you willy-nilly tore the wrapper to shreds and left your filthy detritus all over my office floor!"

Me: "Oh my goodness Mr. Fab, I am sooo sorry. I will clean it up right away. I tried to be so careful! I know how you hate that sort of thing."

Mr. Fab storms off to talk baseball or some such crap in Jason's office. I proceed to Mr. Fab's office and spend out five minutes on the floor on my hands and knees searching for the piece of candy wrapper he is referring to. Finally, in the back corner beneath a chair, I find the one square centimeter piece of pink candy wrapper.

Me in my head: "Hmm...Wait a second; I ate a watermelon Ring Pop yesterday which had a green wrapper. This is not Ring Pop at all, it's LAFFY TAFFY!"

Me (as I run to Jason's office pinching the tiny piece of pink wrapper very tightly so as not to lose it or I might need a microscope to find it again): "NOT RING POP, NOT RING POP! LAFFY TAFFY!!!"

Mr. Fab: "Laffy Taffy? I don't think so."

Jason: "No, that's definitely Ring Pop."

Mr. Fab: "In order for me to believe that that is, in fact, Laffy Taffy and not Ring Pop, I will need an abundance of proof beyond a preponderance of the evidence."

Me in my head again: "OMG!" (eye roll)

Okay, so, I find another Laffy Taffy still in its wrapper in the community candy dish, and show him the comparison. It was a difficult sell at first, because the only Laffy Taffy available was banana, while the offending wrapper piece was strawberry. Once I convinced Mr. Fab to look beyond the obvious color difference and compare the serrated edging, I was winning him over. But it took some more corner comparison to the fully formed wrapper before he was convinced.

Mr. Fab: Okay Missy, I guess you are off the hook, but who was eating Laffy Taffy in my. . . JENNIFER!!!!

And so folks, that is the gist of how we spend our days here in the lovely land of Oz. I tell you, we all had a big laugh afterward, and to this day (oh, uh minute?) we all still sit around and reminisce about the "wrapper incident." What a hoot!

Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I can guarantee this: Mr. Fab and Jennifer will argue, Mr. Fab and Jason will talk baseball, Mr. Fab make a homosexual reference toward Braden, and we'll all have a good laugh at someone else's expense.

Sadly, her recollection of the whole "wrapper incident" is pretty accurate. You should see the debris (happy, Amanda?) on the floor in Jennifer's cubicle. It's about 18 inches deep. Have I ever told you about Jennifer's apartment? There is literally pasta sauce on the walls.

Of course, now Braden wants to do a guest post. I think he feels that Amanda took a swipe at his manhood. So I will post his contribution on Tuesday. That is, if he can manage to string together several coherant sentences in a row between then and now. He'll probably ask his girlfriend for help. All you need to know is that Braden wears pink shirts and is completely in love with himself.

I'm bummed out because I meant to take pictures of Jennifer and Amanda to post along with their words, but I forgot.

Oh by the way, still wondering what I am doing in the office with my door closed? I'm masturbating, or course. To pictures of our blood drop mascot. Have you noticed that big red guy has no clothes on?

OK. So who wants to work for me NOW? Any takers?

18 Comments:

Anonymous Blair Bitch said...

Wouldn't you say it's better to have pasta sauce on your walls than monkey shit?!

5:32 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Blair Bitch--Is monkey shit an option?

5:34 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

How do you know what Jennifer has on her walls?

I'm a great proofreader. While I proofread, I wear a short silk soft green skirt with a matching soft green low cut silky jacket...
I hope that when Mrs. Fabulous interviews me, she'll be impressed by my total lack of decorum. (d-e-c-o-r-u-m) I spell well, swell!

6:11 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

sounds like you guys have a great time over there:)

8:00 AM  
Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

I hate typos but love candy. Hire me!

8:18 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

I've put guest bloggers to use on a few occasions...the masses seem to enjoy a break from my usual drivel.

9:03 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

I am out of a job so where can I get an application at?

9:37 AM  
Blogger Dr. Cissa Fireheart said...

LOL Sounds like quite the interesting work atmosphere! I am sure lots of laughs are heard daily from your department. I miss working...I wish I had cool co-workers that would blog for me...LOL

10:13 AM  
Blogger Anne R. Key said...

Laffy Taffy--that shit will fuck you up.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Nobody said...

I also masturbate in your office with the door closed. That's how that sticky shit got on the underside fo your desk.

11:38 AM  
Blogger Mindless Dribbler said...

HA...a work crowd I could stand being around. Sounds like you got it made over there bud. Girls on their hands and knees in your office?? You go boy

11:46 AM  
Blogger D said...

Do you people actually do any "work"?

12:41 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

I would still work with you, except it sounds like there is way to much candy in your office. *sigh*

12:55 PM  
Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

OMG! These poor women work with you? Wow.

3:01 PM  
Blogger Sage said...

Even though its a guest, I lied it. Thaks a lot.

BTW I LINKed you on my BLOG

6:11 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Lorraine--You're hired!

Sandi--We figure we might as well have fun!

Pixie--OK, I'll hire you too!

Mike--Nobody says that about you as far as you know :)

Lori--No application, I'll put you on the payroll!

Cissa--Yeah, they're pretty cool!

Anne--Mess you up BAD

Nobody--It's not there anymore, I licked it off

Dribbler--It's good to be me!

Dene--No.

Lynda--We'll hide it from you. Come on down and join us.

Saur--I know. Poor bastards.

Sage--Thanks, and thanks for stopping by!

7:15 PM  
Anonymous Eric T. said...

I knew there was a reason I switched departments. As a fellow underling of Mr. Fab (at least for a time) I can verify that they do, in fact, get a LOT of work done.
Ok, now I want to read a posting about the "Unknowns".....

9:46 PM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

Hey, if that's what you call working, I'm willing! I'm fluent in 3 languages, two of which are probably quite useless in Florida, but what the heck! Oh, and I can teach you some photoshop tricks, too.

6:53 AM  

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