My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Low impact posting day (plus my nipple!)

I don't often post stuff that I receive in emails, but I have a couple that I want to share, and this seems like a good time to do it, as I will be very busy getting ready for tonight's party. I hope to catch up on everyone's blogs by tomorrow night.

I think I'll keep the poll up over the weekend and on Monday morning we'll see what choice most people voted for.

This came to me courtesy of my friend Karen:

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office: "Oh, and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God .... My God. How could it possibly finally be?"

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says .... "How many is a brazilian?"

And this is courtesy of Jake, who is a co-worker of mine:

How To Shower Like a Woman:

>>Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
>>Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
>>If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>>Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
>>Get in the shower.
>>Secure the shower curtain so water doesn't get on the floor.
>>Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.
>>Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
>>Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>>Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner.
>>Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
>>Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
>>Rinse conditioner off hair.
>>Shave armpits and legs.
>>Turn off shower.
>>Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
>>Spray mold spots with Tilex.
>>Get out of shower.
>>Dry with towel the size of a small country.
>>Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>>Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
>>If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

>>Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
>>Walk naked to the bathroom.
>>If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
>>Look at your manly physique in the mirror, admire the size of your, wiener and scratch your butt.
>>Get in the shower.
>>Wash your face and your armpits.
>>Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
>>Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
>>Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
>>Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
>>Wash your hair and make a Shampoo Mohawk.
>>Rinse off and get out of shower.
>>Partially dry off.
>>Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

>>Admire wiener size in mirror again.
>>Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
>>Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
>>If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
>>Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

Have a great day!

And, "woo woo"!!!

And finally, Bluepaintred has been on my case about posting a picture of my nipples that have gotten brown from tanning. I hope she'll be happy with one nipple. Here it is in all its glory:

So...blame her!

Have a great weekend, everyone!


Blogger kattbanjo said...

Your nip looks like an anthill

7:34 AM  
Blogger Detroiter said...

LOL...That 'shower like a man' bit described my hubby to a tee.

As for that nipple pic, I'm just thanking God that I held off on breakfast today.

I bet there's some big boys in prison enjoying your nip pic right now.

7:38 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Kat--Oh good, that's what I was shooting for! LOL

Detroiter--Now THERE is a demographic I need to pander to more...

7:40 AM  
Blogger Suze said...

LMAO, how true were most of those. As for the nipple I gave it a bit of a tweak. ;)

8:38 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Suze--And I appreciate it :)

9:26 AM  
Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

Your nipple appears tiny, hairy, and oh so very brown. Loved the shower bits—very true.

9:45 AM  
Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

now my nipples are erect!

9:58 AM  
Anonymous Blair Bitch said...

OMG. OMG, my eyes, my eyes...

10:10 AM  
Blogger kattbanjo said...

Mr-Fabu .... Am still waiting to find out where to get crack spinkles for my cereal..

10:22 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

Awesome! And I don't think that I have completed my day without seeing your brown nipple! Thank you.

Have a good time at your party tonight. Just remember that I will be working during that time.

11:14 AM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

Uhhhm. I DID laugh, but something must be wrong with OrangeX. He just does the "shake wiener" thing only once!

12:36 PM  
Blogger Attila The Mom said...

My eyes! My eyes!

1:24 PM  
Blogger Fantastagirl said...

Have fun at your party!

2:37 PM  
Anonymous B said...

You should do HNT Mr. Fab!

2:56 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

*LOL* at "the brazillian" joke! Sweet man loved it and plans to tell it to his golf buddies tomorrow ;-) for the nipple picture....does Mrs. Fab know you did that?

Somehow I don't think she'd approve...

4:24 PM  
Blogger Dixie said...

Nipple pics. Shameless trolling for new readers!

You never fail to crack me up.

5:24 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

Eew, it IS brown! So true about the showering habits...

5:38 PM  
Blogger Maidink said...

Holy chowder! I think Geo wrote that joke. That's exactly what he does. I, on the other hand, am not that psycho.

No dressing gown (strip in bathroom), no separate piles (all in one washing in this house), no loofahs or pumice or separate cloths (one scrungee), no towel the size of small country (more like a municipality), and I do leave water on the floor (stupid curtain).

5:56 PM  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

ahhhh nipples..... gotta love em LOL

thanx mr.nip! as i write this, my camera is down loading the nip pics i promised for my site! loved the brazillian joke! hear the shower thing before, and hinestly if I had a weiner, you bet your bootie id be " woo woo" ing it ... but id do it all the time, not just at home!

guess its a good thing i am not a guy!

6:00 PM  
Blogger nanuk said...

Thanks for the email jokes - they haven't made the rounds up here yet. But my fucking God, man, what is wrong with your nipple????

6:46 PM  
Blogger cherish said...

hmm it must have been cold when you took that picture Mr. Fabulous.

7:44 PM  
Blogger marty said...

OK, now all the girls post a nipple pic!

8:30 PM  
Blogger Mistify said...

this was without a doubt the most accurate post I have ever read and I am in tears from laughing... thanks so much

1:30 AM  
Blogger CeCe said...

When a woman gets pregnant her nipples turn brown too. Just thought you ought to know that if you didn't already.

2:32 AM  
Blogger Spider Walk said...

Great jokes! I especially like the showering one. You forgot one thing on the "How to shower like a man." one though.
>>"take a crap in the toilet while waiting for the water to get hot and leave it-- because you don't want to make the shower water too cold."

You got my vote for what I would like to hear on one of your audio blogs. Seems to be in the number one position :)

Hope you had fun at the party last night. A hungover audio would be kind of entertaining too....muuuhaaaaawwwww!!

7:43 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Pixie--Should I maybe shave my chest? :)

Beady--You've joined the club!

Blair--Oh, you love it!

Catherine--I'm still researching it. I want to get you the best price!

Shelli--I DID think of you when we were partying...

CS--Maybe he's ashamed of it LOL

Attila--Drink in the beauty, baby!

Fantastagirl--I did :)

B--I've thought about it. But I am afraid I would get carried away...

Pissy--Not only did Mrs. Fab approve of the nipple pic but A) she kept yelling out "Show us your nipples" as I was singing karaoke and B) she said she would happily take a pic of my tan line with my shorts tugged down a bit for posting...

Dixie--Ohhh...I think that pic repelled mroe readers than it attracted LOL

Erin--I bet you didn't believe me!

Maidink--Holy chowder? Potty mouth! LOL

Bluepaintred--I am expecting you to weasel out on a technicality...

Nanuk--You WISH you had manly nipples like mine! :)

Cherish--I was just excited to be showing it :)

Marty--Oh yes, I am sure they will be lining up!

Caronfire--Thanks, I'm glad you liked them, and thanks for dropping by!

CeCe--Do you think...might it be possible...

Spidey-I didn't drink anything. But if I HAD, you're right, an audiopost would have been in order...

10:54 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

Yeah, right! I'm sure you were thinking of me. Not! It would have been cool, though...Elle and Shell Do Karoake!

3:36 PM  
Blogger Clo said...

I red the two texts, and I am kinda disapointed... I think I'm a man... :O(

1:14 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Cute joke, funny nipple...

5:33 AM  

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