My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Monday, May 29, 2006

My fabulous Sunday...

First of all, do you realize that it has been probably ten days to two weeks since I have had any posts referring to either masturbation, my penis, or sex with lemurs? Remember that phase where it seemed that was all I blogged about? How carefree and innocent those days were!

So I'm lying out in the sun yesterday in the early afternoon. I always bring a book out with me, but I never read it very long because I can't concentrate on it in the heat. So I end up just laying out there thinking about stuff.

I really need to stop bringing a book out, because then it lies there in the sun and the glue dries out. Note to Christine: the next novel I give you after I finish will not be a book so much as a collection of four hundred some-odd loose pages held together with a rubber band.

So I'm lying on my stomach on a blanket with my head down and I hear a rustling in the grass. I'm thinking that one of the squirrels has dared to venture a little closer than usual. I lift up my head.

And come face to face with a big-ass snake about two feet in front of me. Level with my eyes. Looking at me.


Nah, that didn't happen. I'm lying. But wouldn't that have been a cool story if it had been true? Nothing cool like that ever happens to me.

Although I did go to the mall yesterday. Which is weird, because I was just saying to my friend Shelli about three hours before that I hate the mall and only go there about twice a year. But I guess yesterday was one of those days.

Ironically, we didn't buy anything at the mall. I was looking for a pair of sandals and some computer software, and we bought bought both, but not at the mall.

I bought the sandals across from the mall at the Birkenstock store. Does the wearing of Birkenstocks reinforce my metrosexual tendancies? How about my homosexual tendencies? I thought the male sales clerk at the Birkenstock store was pretty cute. I even thought of taking a picture of him on the sly with my cell phone so I could post it and find out which of you ladies I have the same taste in men as. But I came to my senses before that could happen. I did mention to Mrs. Fab that I thought he was cute, but Mrs. Fab has pretty much learned to tune me out over the years.

Poor Mrs. Fab. Even before we got to the mall after the Birkenstock store:

As I eye a 20 foot grassy hill seperating one mall parking lot from another...

Me: Do you think I could make it up that hill?
Mrs. Fab: Maybe
Me: I totally think I could
Mrs. Fab: You would get a ticket
Me: For what?
Mrs. Fab: Causing property damage
Me: What if I didn't cause any?
Mrs. Fab: There would still be a fine
Me: How much?
Mrs. Fab: I don't know
Me: Ballpark it
Mrs. Fab $250? $500?
Me: So?
Mrs. Fab: What do you mean so?
Me: Don't we have $500? Wouldn't it be totally worth it?
Mrs. Fab: You would be cited for criminal trespass
Me: No I wouldn't. I can walk up it without it being criminal trespass. What's the difference?
Me: Are you sure you're in law school? I would so totally crucify you in court!
Mrs. Fab: Heavy audible sigh

As we're walking into the mall through the food court

Me: Something smells good
Mrs. Mmmm... something does smell good
Me: I think it's hamburgers. But we can't have any, we're having burgers tonight
Mrs. Fab: That's true
Me: Hey everyone likes the smell of grilling burgers and that would make a great anti-perpirant!
Mrs. Fab: No. When you sweated you'd smell like hamburgers
Me: Exactly! Everyone loves that smell! Don't you see? Don't you?
Mrs. Fab: Heavy audible sigh

Lots of heavy audible sighs yesterday.

The software I bought was some audio package that will allow me to get karaoke tracks and record my vocals over them. If you people insist on encouraging me about this, I am gonna beat it into the ground until people start circulating petitions to get me to stop audioblogging.

Actually, with this program I can just create audio files and post those. Um...once someone explains to me how to do that.

Y'all are gonna be sorry now. Suckers!


Blogger Shelli said...

Birkenstocks!? I am not sure we can be friends anymore! ;) If you can put up with me driving a Jag and wearing one of those phone things in my ear, then I can put up with your Birkenstock-clad feet.

12:18 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

I guess.

12:18 AM  
Blogger Spider Walk said...

I love the conversations you and the Mrs. have. Kind of remind me of ...ummm...errm...?? I'm not quite sure. But I love them nonetheless :)

I can't wait to hear how your new software works. I didn't didn't know such a thing existed. But then again I didn't know straight men wore birks either! Muuuuhaaaaawwww!!

12:39 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

I hate the song 'You're beautiful' so I ain't listening.
I think Mrs. Fab is extremely cool!
What Fabulous Sundays you get.
ps, have you heard about the new perfume 'blue cheese', I'll pick hamburger over that anytime!

1:34 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

YOU are going to be sorry... Imagine the amount of songs we'll be requesting now that you admitted buying new audio software... You will have your work cut out for you!!!!

4:47 AM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

Ummm. Birkenstock?? Really?? Oh.

7:04 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Shelli--The important thing is that I will not wear socks with them. Don't lose sight of that! :)

Spidey--Hey, I love these new sandals. If I have to be gay to wear them, so be it! LOL

Lorraine--Blue cheese? You know, I can never tell when you're putting me on...

Dutchy--No requests from the Netherlands LOL

CS--Uh-oh LOL

7:27 AM  
Blogger kattbanjo said...

what exactly does a "grinning burger" smell like?? You got me in trouble today!Grrr! Go see me...

8:07 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

why am I now thinking of you having sex with a lemur in the mall parking lot while eating a hamburger?

8:14 AM  
Blogger Suze said...

I'm not so sure about the burger anti-perspirant, you would have dogs coming over and sniffing your pits. :D

9:41 AM  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Im sorry fab i love that song, i havent decided if i should click to hear your version,,,, at heart I am a chicken

congrats on the contest dawn!

9:42 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Katt--Okay, I fixed the typo. Thanks, editor! LOL

Sandi--Because you are a sick, sick woman LOL

Suze--Well, I have that now...

Bluepaintred--I've known that since the nipple fiasco LOL

9:55 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Although I do love the smell of someone grilling hamburgers, I'm a vegetarian so the burger smelling deodorant would prevent me from having sex with the person wearing it. I'm just saying.

12:26 PM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

Just be happy that you have not had any request for DUTCH songs... I would dare you to pull that off! LOL

2:12 PM  
Anonymous Blair Bitch said...

I'm actually getting pretty tired of your audioblogs so you could you kindly stop? I'd rather read more about yoru penis and sex with lemurs.

Wait...I didn't say that.

3:53 PM  
Blogger Webmiztris said...

the hamburger scented deodorant idea SOUNDS good in theory, but I'm pretty sure if they actually made the stuff I"d never eat a burger again!

6:26 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Heather--So are you saying if I DON'T wear it...? LOL

Bitch--Bring it on!

Blair--I KNEW you were obsessed with my nethers!

Miz--You wouldn't have to. You could just lick the deoderant!

9:44 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Well, you'll never know if you're wearing the burger deodorant now will you?

6:34 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Heather--LOL. Hmm...I better not wear it and keep my options open...

6:41 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

Bring it on? BRING IT ON!!??
OK, you can't expect me to shut up now!

I am daring you to record your version of one of the most infamous Dutch songs ever: Een Beetje Verliefd (A Little Bit In Love) by André Hazes.

You can hear a sample the original on

Txt of the song on

And some history about the man himself on

So YOU bring it on now!

2:10 PM  

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