My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Where customer service came to die...


Birmingham.

Shit.

I'm still in Birmingham.

When I am in Atlanta, the best part of being there is the restaurants. The selection, service, and food never disappoints.

When I am in Birmingham, the opposite is true. It is all wretched.

Public service announcement: If you are traveling through Alabama on Route 65, DO NOT get off on exit 255 (Lakeshore) for something to eat.

Sadly, I have no choice. My hotel is on State Farm Parkway, which is an access road to Lakeshore. And State Farm and Lakeshore are where all the restaurants are.

So when I am in Birmingham, I always face the diffcult decision about where to eat.

Landry's Seafood where we once sat down at our table and were completely ignored for at least fifteen minutes? We finally stormed out (well, I stormed, Jennifer followed) and after making a cutting remark at the hostess, were followed out the door by the manager pleading with us to come back and that he would comp our meal.

We kept going. Of course Jennifer wanted to take him up on it. She is all about free stuff.

Maybe I'll eat at Chili's. I remember an evening at Chili's where it took me so long to get a bottled water that I seriously considered taking hostages until they paid my ransom of a damn bottle of Dasani.

Lonestar Steakhouse? I was there with Mike and Rebecca one night, and the foot was horrific. The salads were soggy, the soup was cold, the meat was borderline inedible (I think it was squirrel) and they ran out of straws.

How do you run out of straws? Walk up to the damn Bruno's Supermarket and buy a box, fuckball.

And speaking of Bruno's, I've waited so long to get served at the deli that I had to shave midway through the making of my sub.

Oh, maybe I can eat at O'Charley's. I was not at all put off by the fact that the one time I was there the whole place smelled like urine. You might as well serve me my food in the damn men's room.

Of course, there's an Outback Steakhouse. I can't remember what the specific problem was with Outback. But I know there was one. On more than one occasion.

And last night I ate at the Lonestar Steakhouse again. They started to clean and spray Pinesol everywhere an hour before the restaurant was due to close. Good thing we had already finished eating. The smell was nauseating.

This is likely my last time in Birmingham ever.

I am not broken up about it.

36 Comments:

Blogger nanuk said...

I've only been to Alabama once, and found they deep-fried almost everything. My innards were threatening to mutiny, so I decided to eat some chicken livers for the protein. What I got was fucking deep-fried chicken livers. If I ever go back I'll bring my own food. Or starve.

6:57 AM  
Blogger Blogarita said...

I hear Mr. Incredible grills up a mean steak. If you're nice to Fantastagirl, maybe you can get them to overnight you something.

7:13 AM  
Blogger Jozee said...

Nothing worse than being on the road with bad food!

8:14 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

hehe... you must be a lot of fun to travel with:)

8:29 AM  
Anonymous 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) said...

Sounds like your choices were rather dismal. Let me help you out on the Outback steakhouse. The last time I was there, I didn't make it out of the restuarant before I had to RUN to the restroom! (Don't eat the garlic mashed potatoes, I think the sour cream was outdated) Their quality of meat is questionable as well. For a steakhouse, that's unforgivable.

Good luck on your quest for a decent meal in Alabama. ;-)

3T

8:31 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

That's just not right...what kind of service is that for Mr. Fabulous??? They should roll the red carpet and best fries on the house immediately.
I'm appalled!

8:40 AM  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I HATE it when someone pulls that "smell this" card while I'm eating!!!

My Peanut Mom likes to smoke her cigs during dinner. I'm a smoker but I HATE it when people are smoking while I'm trying to eat (I NEVER do that). Or someone will walk by with about a gallon of perfume on....now your food tastes like "Obsession". Ugh!

And thanks for the tip about Birmingham! :)

8:42 AM  
Blogger Dr. Cissa Fireheart said...

Birmingham SUCKS to drive in.....I hated going there when I lived in Panama City Beach....I never stopped to eat, I just got though it as quickly (meaning, SNAIL CRAWLED) as possible....

8:44 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Nothin' wrong with the free stuff. We aren't all made of money like Mr. Fab. :)

8:51 AM  
Blogger Nobody said...

Squirrel is considered a delicacy in some places. Like Arkansas, and Kentucky. Probably West Virginia too. I know it's not lemur, but hey...

9:09 AM  
Blogger Tracy said...

Yay me! Getting in the last vote on your BOTB! :)

10:12 AM  
Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

Note to self stay out of Birmingham when on the road and hungry.
Although squirell would taste good haahaa! :)

10:17 AM  
Blogger michele said...

Hey fab,what doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.I take it
you haven't been pulled over
yet,Keep on truckin.

11:21 AM  
Blogger June Cleaver's Revenge said...

When I lived in Mountain Brook (suburb of Birmingham) I always said Alabama had the worst food I'd ever eaten.

That was before I moved to Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania cuisine is even worse than the food in England, if you can imagine.

11:40 AM  
Blogger speckledpup said...

awe baby, come on over to Pup's house I cook fer ya and the Mrs. and I won't clean a thing... I swear.

12:08 PM  
Anonymous Ficklechick said...

Golden Rule BBQ. Find it, live it, love it! ;)

1:08 PM  
Anonymous Miss Lady Ma'am said...

I have friends who live there and they love it. Of course they're a bunch of country bumpkins so... I guess city-folk need not apply lol

1:30 PM  
Blogger Suze said...

I now know not to visit Birmingham if ever I come over, thanks for the tip.

Birmingham over here by comparison is a lot safer to eat out in. :)

2:25 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

Would you like a cheeseburger medium rare, onions, pickles, mayo, ketchup, and mustard?

2:40 PM  
Blogger threecollie said...

Port Perry Ontario must be close to Birmingham. We went there on our honeymoon (to a cow auction, but that is another story) and damned near starved to death.

3:01 PM  
Blogger zhadi said...

It sounds like the restaurants are inbreeding...

5:53 PM  
Anonymous Blair Bitch said...

Fab, I believe it was a national news program that enlightened viewers that Outback chains in general have THE filthiest kitchens out of all restaurants they had examined. You would probably rather eat dirt off the floor...well, that's probably what you're eating anyway when you eat at Outback!

6:23 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

Once in Alabama at a Lonestar Steakhouse, hubby saw one of the waitress chase a cook around with a knife!The cops had to come, it was a big mess.

6:34 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Nanuk--You Canadians have such delicate constitutions!

Blogarita--I'm back home now. All is well! :)

Jozee--That was the last of my business trips, so hopefully all that is behind me!

Sandi--LOL I have my moments.

3T--Yeah, I remember Outback as being much better many years ago. I really think they have gone downhill.

Lorraine--I should send you ahead as an advance scout. Then you can make sure all my experiences will be much smoother and more enjoyable!

Stacy--Oh, well I actually pour cologne on my salad, so you can't go by me...

Cissa--Hopefully I will necer have to go back!

Jennifer--Shouldn't you be WORKING when you are at WORK?

Nobody--I have never actually eaten lemur but oh..well...never mind.

Tracy--Thanks for putting me over the top!

Beady--Oh please, they eat squirrel in Mississippi too! LOL

Michele--I made it back safe and sound!

June--I've never sampled PA cusine before, and thanks to your tip, I won't ever! :)

6:35 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Pup--Yeah, I heard you weren't much of a cleaner LOL

Ficklechick--Hmm..never heard of it. I'll keep an eye out!

Miss Lady--Well, I guess they gotta live somewhere! LOL

Suze--I thought all they had over there in Birmingham was coal...

Lori--You read my mind!

ThreeCollie--Yeah, but you could grab a cow at the auction and turn it into hamburgers!

Zhadi--This can't be a good sign...

Blair Bitch--Ugh, really? No more Outback for me!

Mimi--Wow, quite an adventure! LOL

6:39 PM  
Blogger peebugg said...

are you sure you weren't in New Mexico????

8:08 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

Would you like a chocolate shake to go with your cheeseburger?

8:24 PM  
Blogger Fantastagirl said...

I ate at an Outback with Mr Incredible once - we were both so sick that if I remember right I missed work for a week - Great weight loss program, but I'd rather not puke my food.

8:52 PM  
Anonymous Eric T. said...

I can't say I've had similar experiences in B'Ham but wasn't a huge fan when I was there before. Just not my kind of town.
Now Chicago on the other hand.....
Ever notice how most of the people (me included) who speak so highly of Chicago ironicaly don't live there anymore?

9:15 PM  
Anonymous smluke said...

Hahaha ha. The gods are getting back at you for leaving us at corporate...at least those of us that are worth anything.

Just kidding. I'm happy for you, really...now let me go hang myself. I'm sure you'll be taking the ounce of sanity I have left.

9:38 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

You make all those restaurants sound so attractive. I will go eat at the next town, thanks!

Birmingham can be one of your B words!

10:08 PM  
Blogger shirley said...

Blogmad hit. Hooray! You've scored yourself a happy face. :)

10:42 PM  
Blogger marty said...

I think Gomer Pyle lives in Birmingham

11:54 PM  
Blogger Ginnie said...

So very glad to say that Atlanta definitely DOES fare better than that!

1:53 PM  
Blogger CeCe said...

Ugh! what happened to my comment!?? grr...

10:14 PM  
Blogger BarefootCajun said...

Ah Landry's Seafood - spreading bad "Cajun" food to the four corners of the earth. Blech!

2:27 PM  

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