My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

You have been warned...

I've just about had it with you people, and I am putting you on notice. Not all of you, but some of you. And you know who you are.

You people at the movie theater, standing in front of the ticket booth, still undecided about which film to see. Look at a newspaper beforehand! How can you go through life like that? Who goes to see a movie having absolutely no idea of what is playing or what you want to see?

You people at the drive-thru at the fast food restaurant who can't make up their mind about what to order. It's McDonalds! You've been there a thousand times, judging from the way your car is lilting to the left. The menu hasn't changed. Place your damn order!

You people at the grocery store who wait until the order has been rung up and bagged before it dawns on you that you have to actually pay for the food, whereupon we must suffer as you rummage around for your checkbook, a pen, your driver's license....It's all I can do not to club you in the back of the head with my leg of lamb.

By the way, how did a leg of lamb get in my cart? I don't eat lamb...

You other people at the movie theater who don't turn your cell phones off. You're bad enough. But the people who actually answer their cell phones and carry on a conversation....unless you are a doctor getting called in to do emergency surgery... How can I enjoy the movie when I spend the rest of it fantasizing about ways to kill you?

You people at the restaurant who let their kids run wild. Look, I know you should be able to eat out. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you need to wait until they hit their teens before the family can dine in public. But if they start crying, or yelling, or otherwise behaving badly, take them out of the restaurant until they can behave. I'm paying for this meal!

Listen up, cats and kittens. Mr. Fabulous is getting himself a brand new bag.

One of the nice things about living in Gainesville is that the University of Florida is here.

I have been in touch with a couple of their top mad scientists, and they have assured me that it is well within their area of expertise to replace the pupils in my eyes with deadly laser beams. Powerful, destructive, scary laser beams.

I suggest that you people start subscribing to the tenents of common courtesy. Or the smell of seared flesh is going to become pretty prevelant.

You have been warned.


Blogger DutchBitch said...

How about the people who, just before it is their turn at the cashregister, remember this one thing they have forgotten and squeeze themselves past the queue back and forth to get it...

And the people who drive at 5 m/h because they could not be bothered to check out a roadmap before leaving but do that IN their car while driving?

6:44 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

I hate when people's kids are misbehaving. If you bring your child to the restaurant, or anywhere in public, for that matter. If they don't know how to behave in public, you need to teach them or put them back in shackles in the basement where they belong.

Just kidding, people!

7:18 AM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

Yes, yes, and yes. The leg of lamb probably got in there because it's difficult to club someone with a chicken wing (unless it's a family pack and deep frozen) :-)

7:53 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Dutch--You have fucktards in the Netherlands, too?

Shelli--I KNOW you are not kidding. Anyone with any connections with the department of children and families let me know and I'll give you Shelli's information...

CS--Maybe it if was a whole PACKAGE of chicken wings...

8:26 AM  
Anonymous Blair Bitch said...

You were writing this while suffering a little PMS weren't you?!

8:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you get those lasers. Then maybe those people will learn.

I hate the people who freak out at the store when there is no dividers for your stuff on the belt. If I go ahead and put my stuff on they freak out and grab their stuff. Don't worry asshat. I am not gonna let you take my stuff home with you. I am just trying to help this line of 10 people move along. My stuff is plenty far away from yours.

9:09 AM  
Blogger marty said...

Don't you have M-16s and AK-47s? I thought everyone in Florida get those as soon as you move in.

9:22 AM  
Blogger B said...

I couldn't agree with you more Fab! The cell phones in the movie one really pisses me off. No call is THAT important!

11:46 AM  
Blogger Karl said...

Ooh, let me know how the laser beam thing goes. I so want a pair.

1:05 PM  
Blogger Dramedy Girl said...

Ooooh, the grocery store thing gets me every time! And the bad kids out to eat. Grrrrr. Makes me want to march over and discipline the little heathens myself.

I've got one for you. All you parents who think it's FUN to watch little Johnny hit a golf ball into someone else's car. Thanks, Fuckwits. I sure could use those laserbeams on the kid AND the parents.

1:12 PM  
Anonymous 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) said...

WHY; would this site in your draft folder Mr. Fab??! I LOVED this post! (OK, I love just about anything you write. Or sing)

ON my best days I couldn't write a post this entertaining, funny and ACCURATE. (Damn stupid people!) ;-)

Each and everyone of your examples chaps hell outta my ass!
Excellent rant Mr. Fab!


1:47 PM  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

this post did NOT deserve to be stuck in drafts! shame on you mr fab for not posting it the second you wrote it!

do better

im warning you!

2:11 PM  
Blogger Suze said...

So they are still pulling cheque books from bags over there too. In these days of chip and pin, why are people still writing cheques. They must die.

3:35 PM  
Blogger iiq374 said...

What about the people who stand and argue that they can't use a PIN on their credit card because then it would be EFTPOS?
Or is that only a New Zealand problem....

5:45 PM  
Blogger Sandi said...

Great post! I so agree with everything you said.

6:49 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Blair--Is it that obvious? :)

Mimi--LOL, so true!

Marty--Those are SO last season!

B--Right on!

Karl--I'll hook ya up, bro

Shelly--They do that out there? Damn!

#T and Bluepaintred--Thank you laides, but I'm pretty sure I'm not hitting a home run every time out

Suze--Umm...well...I write a check at the grocery store. But I am always ready. Do I still have to die?

iiq374--I am not familiar with EFTPOS...

Sandi--Sing it, sister!

7:26 PM  
Blogger zhadi said...

You tell 'em, Mr. F! You're dead on spot with all of the rat bastards.

8:12 PM  
Blogger PresentStorm said...

Hey can I hire you to beam your lazer at the mother that let her son crawl under into my dressing room while I was trying on bras? That would be awesome!!

8:12 PM  
Blogger Redzilla said...

I don't want to be all harsh on Florida, but it does seem like there's a higher concentration of fucktards in this state. My other faves are 1.) people who pull into a gas station, get out, realize their gas tank door is on the other side and then have to execute a 17 point turn to get the car into the gas chute in the right direction. Come on people--can't remember which side? put a sticky note on the dash. 2.) people who only use their blinkers signal the obvious. They're in the left only lane and as they go around the corner they turn on the blinker. Two blocks earlier they've careened across three lanes and made an illegal turn with nary a blink.

8:41 PM  
Anonymous Stephanie said...

Thank you Mr. Fabulous for bringing something up that needs to be dealt with head on. I can't tell you how frustrated I get when I get to a movie theater (especially on a busy day) and there are GROUPS of people just standing around deciding what movie they are going to see. And you are left to try to figure out who is in line and who isn't. ARGH!

9:38 PM  
Blogger shirley said...

How appropriate, you'll love this! I just got back from a late showing of X-Men. There was a 7-year-old kid talking through the whole movie and when people tried to shush him, the mom shushed them back. Finally, I just said loudly, "Shut it up or get it out of here!" About 1/2 the theatre laughed at her. Stoopid selfish people!

11:37 PM  
Blogger karaoke queen said...

He he. SO where were you getting those lasers again and how much will they cost? I gotta little rainy day money put away for such a good cause :)

11:54 PM  
Blogger karaoke queen said...

I got some Japan relevant ones. You're riding you bike on the lefthand side of the sidewalk *cause for some reason they don't ride on the road here* and some guy is riding towards you with a baby in the front basket, his wife on the back, talking on his cell phone completely oblivious that someone else is riding on the sidewalk. You ding your bell to say move over to the proper side of the sidewalk ya dingbat! He looks surprised/and or completely ignores you and nearly collides with you. Also include gaggles of school boys/girls riding in packs taking up the whole sidewalk and old ladies who weave around so much you're not sure which side they are riding on.

11:59 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Zhadi--"Rat bastards"? Are you channeling James Cagney?

Presentstorm-Confession time. I sent him in there with my camera phone. Sorry.

Redzilla--I agree. I think Florida is where they all come to live.

Stephanie--Right on! I've got your back, sister!

Shirely--I'm surprised you didn't dump your popcorn on the little bastard

KQueen-Hmmm...lots of issues over there, eh? :)

7:34 AM  
Blogger kattbanjo said...

your eyes are way freakier than mine!!!

11:52 AM  
Blogger Maidink said...

Dude, did your meds run out or something?

4:47 PM  

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