My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Friday, June 30, 2006

This just in...

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

I live in Gainesville, Florida.
Today is June 30.
It is going to be sunny and 95 degrees today.
Gainesville is pretty much surrounded by swamp.
The humidity is going to be brutal.
And the air conditioning in our house broke overnight.
Plus...I was in a bad mood to start with.

Do the math.

This is not good.

Dedication Friday: If I Had a Rocket Launcher

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I am not one of those “living well is the best revenge guys”. Likewise I am not a “turn the other cheek” guy. I am of the school that if someone hits you, you hit them back. Harder.

I believe in the death penalty. I think there are just some people out there that need killing. Or at least a real good ass kicking.

Wow. This post is getting a little heavy.

It seems every day there is something new to get outraged about or someone new at which to get pissed off. Domestic and foreign terrorists, third world civil war, genocide, men who beat their wives, women who kill their kids, pedophiles who abduct and abuse children, murderers, drug dealers, con artists who bilk elderly people out of their life savings, and on and on and on.

My heart goes out to the victims. Who speaks for them? All too often, nobody does. The world seems to be real short on justice these days.

Canadian singer-songwriter Bruce Cockburn wrote this song in 1983 after visiting Guatemalan refugee camps in Mexico. Whenever I hear the song, though, I think about all victims who ever suffered at the hands of evil men and women. Who among us wouldn't love to be in a position to dish out some payback? Who among us wouldn't like the opportunity to exact some justice?

Is it justice, or is it revenge? You know what? I don't care.

If you aren't familiar with the song I urge you to seek it out. It has a haunting stirring melody. At least I feel it does. If I were less technically retarded I could probably figure out how to upload the song here, but we all know that my skill set does not yet include that ability.

Anyway, this song is dedicated to all the evil out there in the world.

If I Had a Rocket Launcher

Here comes the helicopter -- second time today
Everybody scatters and hopes it goes away
How many kids they've murdered only God can say
If I had a rocket launcher...I'd make somebody pay

I don't believe in guarded borders and I don't believe in hate
I don't believe in generals or their stinking torture states
And when I talk with the survivors of things too sickening to relate
If I had a rocket launcher...I would retaliate

On the Rio Lacantun, one hundred thousand wait
To fall down from starvation -- or some less humane fate
Cry for Guatemala, with a corpse in every gate
If I had a rocket launcher...I would not hesitate

I want to raise every voice -- at least I've got to try
Every time I think about it water rises to my eyes
Situation desperate, echoes of the victims cry
If I had a rocket launcher...Some son of a bitch would die
*************************************************************
On a cheerier note, have a great weekend, and if you have not yet done so, don't forget to enter the contest for a $50 gift certificate to Mystickal Insense & More!
Note: Dick and Nobody have been disqualified. Currently there is a three way tie between Fantastagirl, Amanda, and Dixie with 70 each. Stay tuned!
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Oh, and just for Katt: Nooooooooodle! :)

Thursday, June 29, 2006

It's quiz time, kids!

Okay, as I mentioned yesterday, we're going to have a quiz! Have you studied? If you did, it didn't matter. I don't think any of the answers can be found on my blog. The winner will receive a $50 gift certificate from Mystical Incense & More. How cool is that? Check out all the neat stuff they have. And best of all, I won't have to mail anything.

Okay, pay attention. You can take the quiz here: Mr. Fab's Eclectic Quiz

Now, we're going to need a tiebreakers probably, because there are only ten questions, and I don't think they are particularly difficult. So here they are. Whoever get closest to the number will win first prize:

First Tiebreaker: How many CDs are in our CD changer in our home (0-300)?
Second Tiebreaker: How many songs are on my iPod? (0-10,000)

We will only go to the second tiebreaker if two or more people get the first tiebreaker correct.

If you see that you have gotten the high score at the time you take the test, you can email your answers to me at tjotjog(at)yahoo(dot)com.

The contest will run until 7 PM on Sunday, EST.

Good luck!

I would like to thank everyone for all the nice comments over the last couple of days. It made me feel good and, if I am being honest, some of them even caused my nethers to swell.

The top pick from the poll a few days ago is that I am a Misunderstood Genius, with 19% of the vote. Coolest Guy Ever was second with 16% and Playful Sensitive Guy was third with 13%.

Eleven of you picked me as The Only Man I've Ever Loved. Consequently we have doubled security around the Fab Fortress and we are currently taking bids from contractors on how much it would cost to build a moat around the property, in case any of you turn into real life stalkers.

Of course...on the flip side of that...I could probably open up a little internet store and sell my used underwear and other personal items to my adoring public. I mean, if there's a market for it...

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Milestone Alert!

This is my 500th post. I had some glitter graphics proclaiming it, but I couldn't get them to load. Story of my life.

Five hundred. Who would have thought it?

I started this blog in September of 2005 and didn’t really take it seriously until December, and I don’t think I really started to hit my stride until January or February.

And now that I have hit 500 posts, I’m calling it quits.

Just kidding. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.

I see a lot of bloggers burn out, though, and I am always worried about it happening to me. I have posted at least one post every single day for the last six months. I spend a lot of time on blogging or blogging related activities. If I’m not writing posts I’m reading and commenting on the 120+ blogs in my blogroll, or I’m looking for pictures, or I’m writing guest posts, or I’m on Blog Explosion or BlogMad, or I’m tinkering with add-ons…the list goes on and on.

Thankfully 1) I have no kids and 2) I have no life.
And I am not complaining. I am not as busy as I have to be. I am as busy as I want to be.

And I am fortunate that Mrs. Fab is still toiling in law school until she takes the bar in February. So when we are home at night she is on her laptop studying for hours, which leaves me free to tinker with this hobby on my laptop. Now, I don’t know, after she is done she may demand more of my time, unless I can get her to go for her PhD right away…

Of course, if she doesn’t pass the bar, she ain’t coming home. In that case, I’ll have plenty of time to blog.

In any event, I don’t think I’ll be burning out anytime soon. I love blogging, and reading your blogs. And so far it seems as if I have not run out of things to say. Thanks to blogging I have made friends all over the country and all over the world.
I have not one sister, not two sisters, but three sisters.
I have exchanged gifts with several bloggers, and am now the proud owner of a fabulous Lemur mug from CP, a collection of Boll Weevil goodies from Big Pissy, and those kick ass wooden shoes from DutchBitch.
In real life, I have met both a pirate, when he came through my town, and the most soulful person I know, who visited me in Atlanta during a Pagan Blood Drive.
CP and I have talked about getting together one of these days with our respective spouses. And Mrs. Fab and I have tentative plans to meet with Lori and Beady in September, and with Shelli and her husband in October.
It's been a hell of a ride, and who knows what the future may hold? In the meantime, to celebrate, tomorrow I am going to have a quiz. The winner will be awarded a $50 gift certificate to the always fabulous Stephanie's Mystical Incense & More store.
I appreciate every single reader and lurker and stalker and butcher and baker and candlestick maker. Really, where would we be without the candlestick makers?
Thanks guys.
Write on!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Gay or Thirteen Year Old Girl?

I've been doing some thinking and observing. I have been studying other male bloggers. I have studied Mike a lot. I'm a big fan of Mike. I have studied Karl. And Ben. And Nobody. And lots of others.

I'm not sure I'm a man. I exhibit certain behavior that for the most part they do not exhibit.

Let's look at the evidence, shall we?

I pepper my comments with a lot of smilies. A lot of smilies.

I also throw a lot of exclamation marks and LOLs in there as well.

I use italics a lot for words like fabulous and awesome and incredible.

I have shown a disturbing willingness to sing on my blog.

I have been known to use "OMG!".

Often I use "so" and "not" in my sentence construction. Such as "Oh, it is SO over..." and "Oh, you did NOT go there..."

It does not bother me at all to talk about men I find attractive. I've done several posts on it.

I have used the words "hee hee".

So which is it? Am I gay, or am a thirteen year old girl? I have included a poll below with those options as well as eight others. Please help me figure out who I am.

What am I?

Gay.

A thirteen year old girl.

A playful, sensitive guy.

Confused. Very confused.

Possibly a danger to himself and others.

In need of therapy.

The. Coolest. Guy. Ever.

Someone I need to keep away from my kids.

Clearly a misunderstood genius.

The only man I'll ever love.

Free polls from Pollhost.com

Help me. And in the meantime, it is Jen's last day here at The House of Fab. Help a brother out and click on over and give her some love. For me?

I need more sleep.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Guest Posts, Learning Stuff, and My Generous Tenant

Once again I have been busier than a..a..than some guy who is busy doing...something...you know, because he's...busy...

My analogizer is broken.

In any event, if you want to find out why I am the best brother ever, you can do so over at Shelli's Sentiments.

If you want to learn how to eventually rub out all stupid people from your life, you can do so at Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.

And if you want to see me try my feeble hand at writing fiction, you can do so at Devil's Advocate.

I have learned three very important things during the past few days.

1. I am surprisingly limber. At least to the degree that if I pretend to walk like a chicken around the house or, more accurately, a chicken with cerebral palsy, I can bring my foot up high enough and with enough force that my heel comes dangerously close to my family jewels. And I have also learned that there can be an instance where everything aligns just right, and my heel does connect with the family jewels, and after I get up off the floor, trembling and trying to not vomit, walking like a palsied chicken does not seem like such a good idea anymore.

2. I like squeeze mayo, it is very handy. However, when I am making sandwiches and I squeeze a big glop of it onto bread, the shape of it reminds me of nothing else so much as dog turds. Shiny white dog turds. And that's all I can think of. Even after I spread it out. I still eat the sandwich, but I remain vaguely disturbed by it.

3. If I walk around the living room, for no reason, wearing only boxer shorts, and I do so with my thumb in the waistband, pulled way out as far as they will go, Mrs. Fab will look up from her studies with a look of tired resignation. But if my thumb slips, and the elastic snaps back against my nethers, making my eyes pop out and causing me to double over in shock, she will collapse in a paroxysm of laughter until she falls off the couch.

It is important to always be learning new things, don't you think?

Now, allow me to gush about my renter. The other day she sobered up long enough to bestow upon me a gift. Isn't that cool? It must be because I am like, just the coolest landlord ever. I wish we could keep her off the sauce, because she is very talented. I know that if she could just quit the booze and the meth she could become a productive member of society. Check out what she made for me:

Aren't those the ginchiest? Sure, I know the last one has a spelling error, but you've got to cut her a little slack. Hey, why not cut her a little Casual Slack? Oh my God, I just made that up as I was typing this. I am en fuego today!

Wait a sec...I need a moment to bask in my cleverness. Okay.

Anyway, she came up through the Rhode Island school system, and I'm not sure they have real schools there, so we can allow her a little leeway. Plus she may have been sober, but she was still likely hungover.

You know...now that I think about it, the little girl in that last one looks like the same little girl that has been missing around here. I think I saw her picture on some flyers. Maybe I better call the cops...

Well, I'll wait till I get the full week's rent. Then I'll squeal.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

The official drink of Pointless Drivel (plus strippers!)

We here at Pointless Drivel are always looking for marketing opportunities. Or sponsorship opportunities. Or something. I forget exactly what we are always looking for. Brand awareness? Something to do with synergy? I'll think of it eventually.

Anyway...we have now identified the libation which will now be the signature drink of Pointless Drivel. The perfect concoction with which to unwind after a hard day of work while you peruse this site and call out to your spouse (or pet) "Hey, he's really off his fucking rocker this time!"

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...the potato daquiri!
Refreshing and delicious and good for you. It's got it all!

Take two Idaho potatoes and toss 'em in the blender. Add about 24 ounces of rum. Add some grated cheese, and maybe some sour cream, some butter (or margarine for those of you watching your girlish figure), and a sprig or two of parsley.

Hit the button on that puppy* and watch it all magically transform itself into the stuff that dreams are made of!

Voila! Or Shazam! Or...I'll get back to you on that as well.

My renter, Jen, loves these. After just two of them, she will show you her Richard Nixon tattoo. It's really quite beautiful. If you have not yet visited her, pop on over and ask to see it.

Man, sounds so good I'm gonna mix up a batch right now. Can I get you one?

*When I say "puppy" I really mean the blender. Puppies have no buttons.

************************************************************************************************

I need someone to back me up here. I can't for the life of me remember how the subject came up the other day...oh wait, yes I do. They are building one of those adult superstores in a small town just north of here, and there has been talk that there will be live entertainment.

I offered, when it opened, to take Mrs. Fab there and buy her a lapdance. It did not compute.

"I don't want to watch you get a lapdance."

"No, not me, you."

"I don't want some guy rubbing up against me."

"No, a girl. I'll buy you a lapdance from a girl."

"What are you talking about? That's crazy! Some girl grinding on me? You're weird."

"No, it is a very common thing for couples to go to strip clubs and for women to get lapdances."

"No it isn't. You're out of your fucking mind! Again! What the fuck? You've got a replacement picked out when I die, you've got us moving to Holland with other women. Women giving women lapdances? You're crazy."

Am I right, people? Can I get an amen from somebody? She absolutely does not believe this happens.

In actuality I am not a strip club kind of guy. And I would never take her to one. And I would never buy her a lapdance. But once she acted so disbelieving, I just had to run with it.

Anyone?

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Saturday, June 24, 2006

I just woke up with this thought...

Wouldn't it be great if you could send babies through the mail? Instead of getting a babysitter you could just mail the baby to yourself and get it back in a few days. Instead of putting baby on a bus to grandma's house, just mail it. Why aren't we doing this?

Some pictures to ruminate on...

Hey, here is that picture of me wearing the wooden shoes. Mrs. Fab took the photo right after I got home from work, so you can still the lines from my dress socks. They must have been a little tight. But did you notice the important thing? Look how tan those babies are. I am a bronzed god! And I have the most fabulous pair of shoes!

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Okay, now this would have been a good reason to have a kid. Not because of all the love and nurturing and teaching and bonding and all that other crap. No, the best reason to have a kid is so you can pose him in photos such as this:
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Mandy was quite put off that I posted this picture. She thought it was totally disgusting. Have you ever heard the expression "Who pissed in your conflakes this morning?" I think we've answered that question here today, boys and girls.

Now here is a picture that my fiance, Dutchbitch sent me. It's a lemur with a mullet. She would not tell me where she got it from. I don't know if we should be keeping secrets from each other right off the bat...

My close personal friend Tricia sent me this lemur love pile picture a while ago, and I don't think I posted it. Or if I did, you're getting it again. Hey, what do you want, the blog is free, kids! Tricia is very tall, is a nurse, and has five blogs. That's all I'm sayin'.

Okay, get out and enjoy that weekend, my friends. But before you go, click on my renter, Jen. If you are really nice she may share with you her patented lovemaking technique that involves a fireplace poker, two pounds of butter, several small mice, some ground glass, and a lot of rubber bands.

Sexy!

Friday, June 23, 2006

It is a bear market for fabulousness...

I saw this over at a round peg in a square hole earlier this week. Have you been over to see D? She's fabulous. In fact, when Mrs. Fab and I move to Holland, I might pick her to fill one of my three remaining wife slots. She's Canadian, so I think she'll speak the language. Well, I don't know what they speak up there above the border, but I'm sure it's gibberish of some kind...

Anyway...let me throw this out at you:

I am worth $1,719,666 on HumanForSale.com
It's a website at which you put in a lot of pertinent information about yourself, and it will calculate how much you are worth as a human being.
I was wicked disappointed. D was worth $2,034,060. She's Canadian. They ought to knock half a mil off right from the start for that.
Apparently, the market for fabulousness is not what it used to be. I am old and dried up. There is little left for me now but for my people to put me out on an ice floe and let me float away. I am not sure where they float away to. Maybe to Rhode Island. I should ask my renter, Jen. Or I would if she could hear my banging on the door. Once again she is playing her music too damn loud. You know, there are just some decibel levels at which John Tesh records should not be played. Go over there and ask her to turn the volume down, will you please? Maybe she'll listen to you.
So...when I was taking the test I was thinking the focus would be seeing if anyone could top how much I was worth. Obviously, I have had to switch my thinking on that. Now I'm wondering if anyone will prove to be worth less than me. I think that is the real question here.
How much are you worth? Let me know. Don't forget to answer the questions honestly...

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Relationship Questions

There have always been two things that have puzzled me for a long time about some relationships. One concerns bathroom habits and the other revolves around money. I don't understand either one.

It is a complete mystery to me why some couples feel comfortable going to the bathroom in front of each other. Especially #2. Isn't that taking the level of intimacy a little too far? Personally, I think some things should remain a mystery. Heck, sometimes I close the door if I'm just brushing my teeth. In my view, unless you are in prison, there is no real need to do your business in front of other people. Am I a prude?

What about you? Do you go to the bathroom in front of your spouse or significant other?

The other thing I have never understood is married couples who keep their finances separate. As soon as Mrs. Fab and I moved in together we pooled our money. I know married couples who split up the bills. One will be responsible for the mortgage and the food, and the other will be responsible for the utilities, clothes for the kids, and the car payment, for example. Separate accounts. I just don't get it. If you are going to make the commitment to marry someone, shouldn't sharing of the money be included with that? Haven't you already committed so much more?

How do you handle the money with your spouse or significant other?
Help me to understand. I want to! I have a thirst for knowledge!

I wonder what my renter thinks about this. Have you gone over to see Jen yet? I know she is from Rhode Island, but don't let that put you off. Rhode Island is very well known for...for...Rhode Island is the home of...of...hmmm...have I told you she's from Rhode Island?

If nothing else, pop over and see her and maybe she can explain why the hell she is in Rhode Island.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I got me a new tenant!

Guess what I've got. No, not gonorrea. This time. No, a new tenant! Meet Jen of Casual Slack:

Okay, that's not really her. The only real pictures of her that I have are nudes. It was just her, me, and a bottle of MD 20/20. I will always remember those 27 minutes.

It was once again agony to choose a tenant, which is the reason I don't do it every week. I looked at offers from people not on my blogroll, but did not choose them for one reason or another. Mostly either it was because I didn't feel they were a great fit with what I think of as the typical Pointless Drivel reader or because they didn't have a habit of posting every day.

That left the offers from people on my blogroll, which included All-Night.Org, Noi Rocker, The Fifth Column, and Winged Emotion. I considered them pretty well known though, or at least I had known of them for a long time. Especially Tracy from Winged Emotion, who is practically a blogging icon as well as a battle whore :)

I finally went with Jen (although if I had read B's latest post beforehand, I may have gone with her regardless).

I have not known Jen as long as the others. She posts everyday, and her style is...different. She is not long on words, preferring pictures and videos for the most part. So that is a departure for me. But I like it. It's refreshing. I urge you to check her out. I would not be babbling about her otherwise!

Plus I kind of owe her for those 27 minutes. After we were done I hit her with a lamp and skipped out on paying for the room. I always felt bad about that.

We like a lot of the same movies, which is always a good sign. But then she lives in Rhode Island, which is a bad sign. Four of her favorite TV shows are the same as mine, which is another good sign. Yet she works in advertising, which is a bad sign. Or is that a good sign? I can never remember.

It is a troubling sign, however, that on her blogroll my blog is listed all in lowercase letters. It makes my blog look smaller than the others. I can't help but wonder if she is making a subtle comment about the size of my johnson. I don't see how she could even remember after all this time. I had heard she was in the hospital for eleven days after I hit her with the lamp.

Anyway, she is now renting a room from me. Strange how these things happen.

But Jen? I took all the lamps out of the room, and I'm locking my bedroom door at night. Don't get any ideas.

Well, I've given you about a half dozen chances to click over to her. If you haven't done it yet, go up and click on the thumbnail sketch. Do it for the Fabster, you know you want to.

And Jen? I've got friends coming over. Bring your A game for the next week, okay? No pressure :)

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The shoes have arrived!

Well, Dutchbitch said she was gonna do it, and she did it. My size fifteen wooden shoes came late yesterday! Ain't they pretty? It is hard to tell from the photos, but they are very yellow.

She had them customized just for me, with my name on the right one...

And my shoe size on the left one, for all to see...

Isn't she the greatest? I now love her. It's official.

I am not sure, but I have been doing some reading on the Dutch culture, and I am pretty sure that this gift signifies that Dutchbitch and I are now engaged. Now, I am of course already married, but that won't be a problem because as I understand it, the Dutch goverment allows you to have up to five wives. All I have to do is apply for dual citizenship.

Here is a picture of me kicking back and relaxing with the shoes on. Don't they look comfortable? Perfect for wearing at a dinner party, or just lounging around the house.

Note: Well stupid blogger won't let me upload the picture. I've tried about 20 times. Damn you, blogger, I hate you, I hate you!

They are pretty heavy. Someone had suggested to me that I post a picture with one of them hanging off my um...you know. And Lord knows I was so excited when I saw them that there was definite swelling in my nether regions, but they are really heavy. It's a lovely appendage, and comes in handy quite often, but a load bearing organ it is not.

I am really looking forward to the big move to The Netherlands. Of course, you will all be invited to the wedding ceremony. It is going to be tough deciding on who will be in the wedding party, but I am sure we can find a spot for some of you.

Here are a few other tidbits I came across when researching my soon to be adopted home country:

  • In times of severe drought or food shortage, Dutch parents are encouraged by the goverment to eat their young.
  • Not realizing that the word can also mean "a bank usually of earth constructed to control or confine water", thousands of lesbians flock to The Netherlands every year only to leave shortly thereafter, bitterly disappointed.
  • They worship Richard Simmons like a God over there.
  • The official mammal of The Netherlands is the guppy. Which speaks volumes right there.
  • The Dutch have 37 words for "nipple".
  • The Swiss Miss on the cocoa packages? She was a hooker.
  • Every member of the Dutch soccer team can reproduce asexually, like amoeba.
  • Upper class Dutch women douche with Yoo Hoo.
  • The virility of Dutch men is measured by how many meat products they can stuff in their trousers.
  • They are still pissed at the Swiss for totally stealing their idea for cheese.
  • Wooden shoes weren't always made of wood. In the beginning they were made from seaweed.
  • Belly button lint is the official currency.

I wrote this entire post while wearing the shoes. True story.

Dutchy, ik houd van u!

Monday, June 19, 2006

My epic project...

About six months ago I got it into my head that it might be fun to re-write Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire using the names of all the bloggers on my blogroll, plus other ones I read regularly. I must have started and stopped the exercise a half dozen times. In my head it sounded easy, but in actuality, it was not. It was a huge pain in the ass to try to get everyone's name to fit and be in the right cadence, etc. I never got past half a stanza before giving up.

But I finally decided that I had to knuckle down and get it out of my system or it would drive me crazy. And I happy to say I have finally done it. There must be upwards of 125 names in this thing. And it's not perfect, but I have taken it as far as I can. If I forgot you, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

It probably would have taken a smarter person half the time.

I was going to take the time to link everyone as well, but I am just too exhausted.

If you don't like it, that's cool. Just don't tell me so. This took a long time!

My head hurts.

Fantastagirl, Tenacious T, Blonde Blogger, Big Pissy
Merlin Princess, Va Va Voom and Karaoke Queen
Melissa, Dawn, Jin and Pixie; Shelly, Gunn Girl, T and Dixie
Blogarita, Barefoot Cajun, Penguin is a teen

Karl, Zhadi, MC, Chelle; Shannon, Shannon, Blair and Mel
Anne R. Key and Lady K and life in Sherryland
Karlababble, Ficklechick, Noi and Kari, Jaws and Dick
Kentucky Girl and Bluepaintred, Luin and Soda Stand

We’re just a bunch of bloggers
And we’ve got a forum
Without much decorum
We’re just a bunch of bloggers
So just pay attention
And you’ll get a mention

My three sisters next are up; Shelli, Megan, and The Pup
Cranky Prof and Webmiztris, PeeBugg and Michele
Itchy, Marty, SomeGirl, D; Matt, Detroiter and KB
Serra, Sarah, Mike and Mike and Suze, Ben and Shell

Maven, Amber, and CeCe; Stacy, Beady, and Mimi
Attila, Cherish, and Brianne; wait there’s plenty more
Cissa, Bee’s Knees, and Jozee; Cat and Tricia and Sandi
DutchBitch and Rebecca and Tracy’s a battle whore

We’re just a bunch of bloggers
And we’ve got a forum
Without much decorum
We’re just a bunch of bloggers
So just pay attention
And you’ll get a mention

Lori, Katt, Heather, Deb; Spidey weaves a pretty web
Monique, Gary, Sudie Girl and Sherri
Schad and Sheryl, Nobody; Maidink, Shirley and 3T
Dream Walker, Nanuk; Pamela works on a book

CanadianSwiss, Jackass Jen; Kayla, Leave, and JKirlin
Ms. M, Billy, Belinda and CP
Angie, Ocean, Lynda, B.; Pud and Erin and Ginnie
Clo and Saur and Tabz; and Lorraine and Crazy

We’re just a bunch of bloggers
And we’ve got a forum
Without much decorum
We’re just a bunch of bloggers
So just pay attention
And you’ll get a mention

We’re just a bunch of bloggers
And it is forgone
We’ll post on and on and on, and on

Mrs. Fab is insisting that I should sing it. I have done my best to convince her that the world is not ready for that.

I have to go lay down now...

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Overheard in the Fabmobile...

On the way to breakfast on Sunday, approaching the curved access ramp for the highway, which is posted at 20 MPH:

Me: How fast do you think I can take this turn?
Mrs. Fab: I don't know.
Me: No come on, guess.
Mrs. Fab: 35.

We go into the turn

Me: Still at 40...37....37...38... Ha! Made it higher than 35!
Mrs. Fab: I'm so proud of you.
Me: I think that was sarcasm.
Mrs. Fab: Oh no, you're a real man.

Whereupon she collapses in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Heavy sigh.

Important safety tip...

If you take Trazodone to help you sleep once in a while, and you want to go to bed early on a Friday night, and you take some Trazodone to make sure you sleep through the night, and your pills are 100 mg, it is not a good idea to take more than two.

Specifically, it is not a good idea to take five. 500 mgs of Trazodone will bring down a charging rhino I think.

I went to bed at 9 PM. I woke up at 7. It was like I was drunk. I was stumbling around, couldn't focus on anything, and was so fuzzy headed it wasn't funny. I held it together for 30 minutes, long enough to fix something to eat and read the comics.

Then it was back to bed. For another four hours.

I got up and took a shower, and Mrs. Fab and I went to lunch. She had to drive because I didn't trust myself. I was still pretty woozy.

We had plans for after lunch, but she had to bring me home, and I slept for another four hours.

That's more sleep than I usually get in three days. I pretty much lost most of the day.

And as I write this, it has been 24 hours since I took the Trazodone. And while I am fine sitting down, I am still a little shaky when I am walking around.

So...I guess if two pills are good, then five pills are not necessarily better. Who knew?

This has been a public service announcement.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

We gotta get out of this place...

I saw this on the always fabulous Dawn's site. I even copied the same picture she had, because I thought it was the best one available. Dawn is top shelf, all the way!

I have to tell you, this is diabolically addicting. My only hope is that by passing it on to others, I can appease its black soul and it will allow me to live my life once more unencumbered by the need to enter the maze...

Abandon all hope ye who enter here. Or something.

Don't do it...don't do it: Maze Frenzy.

I'm free! Free!

That's all you get from me today. What are you still doing inside? Go out and get a healthy glow by laying out in the sun. Help the economy by dropping a couple of C-notes at Wal-Mart. Satisfy your bloodlust by killing a hitchiker. Do something!

Oh wait, I'm not done yet. My weekly post is up at Devil's Advocate. You can read it here, but I would not recommend you do so if you are a cat lover or are one of those people who have no sense of humor. In fact, I would be surprised if I didn't lose some readers over that post.

Oh crap, I'm still not done because Tabz tagged me with a meme. Luckily it is a short one:

Five things in my refrigerator:
1. Coke Zero
2. Carrots (for the bunnies)
3. Barbeque sauce
4. Hard boiled eggs
5. Spicy mustard

(That caught me the night before grocery shopping, so the cupboard is pretty bare)

Five things in my closet:

1. A lot of ties I never wear
2. Three pairs of shoes; two brown, one black
3. Two belts; one brown, one black
4. Mrs. Fab's jewelry box
5. A pair of suspenders I never wear

Five things in my handbag (I don't have a handbag. How about my wallet?):

1. Seventeen dollars
2. My concealed weapons permit
3. My corporate credit card
4. My library card
5. My insurance card

Five things in my car:

1. My iPod hook up
2. My XM radio
3. Lots of gum
4. My umbrella
5. A baseball bat

Five people to tag:

1. Dick
2. Katt
3. GunnGirl
4. Marty
5. Shirley

Wow. I'm pretty boring. Back to bed for me.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Dramatic Reading: Baby Got Back

Well, I don't know how dramatic the reading is. The song is pretty dramatic as it stands. I tried for less drama. Actually, what I tried to do was read it as the Whitest. Man. Ever.

I figured since my other post today is a trifle harsh, this lunacy would balance it out nicely.

This post is a request my sister Shelli made. If you have any complaints, please address them here.

Enjoy! (or not)

this is an audio post - click to play

Oh, and I did my "Get to know me" post at All *Blog* Stars. You can read it here.

Dedication Friday : It's a workplace dedication!

Wow, it's Friday and I have actually remembered to do Dedication Friday! But um...I don't know how that linky thing works, and I think I am the first one to do it today. Matt? You out there buddy?

I am dedicating this song to certain people where I work. I am not saying who they are, and I will entertain no speculation as to who they are when I return on Monday. Some of them may work at my present location, some of them may work at my future location. Some of them may read this blog, some of them may not. I ain't talkin'.

This song is meant as a general dedication, not literal, in that no one is actually trying to steal Mrs. Fab away from me. They better not be, anyway. Or I will strike them down with great vengeance and furious anger, you know what I'm saying?

But aside from that, the general sentiment of the song is the same. The workplace can be a treacherous place. I know many of you can relate. But I know who these people are. And you don't want to get on my bad side, believe me.

(What they do)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)

All you fellows who have someone
And you really care, yeah, yeah
Then it's all of you fellows
Who better beware, yeah yeah
Somebody's out to get your lady
A few of your buddies they sure look shady
Blades are long, clenched tight in their fist
Aimin' straight at your back
And I don't think they'll miss

(What they do)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
I keep gettin' all these visits
From my friends, yeah, what they doin to me
They come to my house
Again and again and again and again, yeah
So are they there to see my woman
I don't even be home but they just keep on comin'
What can I do to get on the right track
I wish they'd take some of these knives off my back

(What they do)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers(Back stabbers)
Low down, dirty

(What they do)
(They smile in your face)
Smiling faces
Smiling faces sometimes tell lies (back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
I don't need low down
Dirty bastards (back stabbers)

Thursday, June 15, 2006

It has been a while...

...since I did a meme. But frankly, the old engine has been sputtering lately. I don't think it's writer's block exactly, but I haven't been in the best of moods lately, and it has caused me to have trouble coming up with posts. Mondays post sucked out loud, Tuesdays I had been meaning to do for a while, Wednesdays was one I started a little while ago, and today is a meme. So I've kinda been coasting a little bit lately. But I'm entitled, right? Hopefully it's still entertaining. Plus I have a four day weekend starting today, so I will strip down to my underwear, rub cocoa butter all over myself, and lay out in the backyard until the sun bakes some good post ideas into my head.

I saw this over at Deb's site a while back (see Deb? I remembered!) and knew it would come in handy. I'm not going to tag anyone, but feel free to grab it if you want.

What curse word do you use the most? Fuck, no question about it.
Do you own an iPod? You betcha, the big 40 gig one. Love it!
Who on your MySpace “Top 8” do you talk to the most? I am not on Myspace. Does that make me square? It seems that everyone is on there these days.
What time is your alarm clock set for? It's set for 4:30 AM, but I almost never use it.
What color is your room? Our bedroom is beige with one blue wall.
Flip flops or sneakers? Sneakers. I love my Birkenstocks, but those aren't really flip flops, are they?
Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? I would usually rather take it. I don't need my soul stolen any more than it already has been.
What was the last movie you watched? We saw the latest X-men movie this past weekend. And the day before that we saw Mission Impossible 3. I wouldn't see either film again. Do any of your friends have children? At my age, of course.
Has anyone ever called you lazy? Hmm...I don't think so.
Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? Yes, depending on how badly I need the sleep.
What CD is currently in your CD player? Wreck of the Day by Anna Nalick
Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? I don't drink milk much anymore, but when I do it's usually skim milk.
Has anyone told you a secret this week? Yes. People tell me secrets all the time. A secret is safe with me.
Have you ever given someone a hickey? Yes, but it has been a while.
Who was the last person to call you? Becky from my dentist's office to tell me I had missed my appointment. I had written the time of the appointment down wrong.
Do you think people talk about you behind your back? I know that they do, and they can all go fuck themselves.
Did you watch cartoons as a child? I loved me some Bugs Bunny!
How many siblings do you have? I have one biological brother, and three cyber soul sisters. Are you shy around the opposite sex? Not generally.
What movie do you know every line to? The Blues Brothers. Try me.
Do you own any band t-shirts? I do not.
What is your favorite salad dressing? Bleu cheese. Yum!
Do you read for fun? All the time, but not as much as I used to.
Do you cry a lot? That's classified.
Who was the last person to text message you? Shelli, but she sent it to the wrong number :)
Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? I have both, but I spend 98% of my time on the laptop.
Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo? Not really. I think about it once in a while, but never do it.
What is the weather like? Sunny and hot and humid. Typical weather for Florida in June.
Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? I would tend to doubt it, but who knows. Wait, this is assuming I'm not married anymore, right?
Is sex before marriage wrong? Sex before marriage is vital.
When was the last time you slept on the floor? Probably the day or two before we moved to Florida from South Carolina. Mrs. Fab was already here, and the furniture left before I did, so I spent a day or two on the floor of the old apartment.
How many hours of sleep do you need to function? It varies. It's best if I at least get six. Are you in love or lust? Why not both?
Are your days full and fast-paced? Not lately, but they can be. It all depends on what is going on.
Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? I usually do, yes.
How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 45, but not until next year thank you very much. And I still haven't grown up.
Are you picky about spelling and grammar? Yes, but I still make mistakes.
Have you ever been to Six Flags? I don't think so. I'm not much of an amusement park guy. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex? Generally with the opposite sex. but I like to think I can get along with anyone.
Do you like cottage cheese? I do. Do you have any?
Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? Mostly on my tummy, sometimes on my side, never on my back.
Have you ever bid for something on eBay? Lots of times, although not in a while.
Do you enjoy giving hugs? Yes I do, but I don't do it too often except with Mrs. Fab.
What song did you last sing out loud? Use Me by Bill Withers. It was on my XM radio. I love that song.
What is your favorite TV show? Hmm...I don't watch much TV regularly. I would say The Office.
Which celebrity, dead or alive, would like to have lunch with? David Letterman or Tony Kornheiser.
Last time you had butterflies in your stomach? Hmm...that doesn't happen too often, even when I am speaking or performing (like with the Blues Brothers presentation), so I can't remember.
What one thing do you wish you had? The ability to just stay at home full time and write and blog.
Favorite lyrics? The song that first comes to mind is Seven year Ache by Rosanne Cash.

Okay...now where is that cocoa butter? Anyone want to rub it on me?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

This is getting ridiculous...

It's bad enough I have to see this plate while I'm driving around:

This piece-of-shit-anti-abortion-masquerading-as-a-pro-adoption license plate. It pisses me off whenever I see a car with one.

And now, the other day, for the first time, I saw this plate:

What the fuck? How long has this plate been out there?

And what exactly is the definition of family values? I know what they want the definition to be.

I'm not going to go off on a whole rant here, but I'll say this: If I want to live in South Beach with my lover Todd, who is a bodybuilder from Montana, and we want to frolic in the surf and have tickle fights with feather dusters and dance naked to Andy Williams tunes in our living room and read erotic passages from Dr. Seuss books and rub strawberry jelly all over ourselves and have lemurs lick it off then damn it, those are my family values!

And if we are responsible, law-abiding citizens who work and pay taxes and in general are just trying to live our lives the way we choose and we aren't hurting anybody, than leave us the fuck alone.

How about we concentrate on getting out of Iraq? Or getting the price of oil and prescription drugs down to a reasonable level? Or feeding the hungry and clothing the homeless and educating the children?

Unfuckingbelievable.

Geez, yesterday I was all romantic and mushy, and today I'm all outraged and political. Where did the funny guy go?

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Who's got soul? Mrs. Fab does...

A number of weeks ago Matt from Meltwater. Torrents. Meanderings. Delta. created Dedication Friday. The idea is that you pick a song and dedicate it to someone and explain why. Of course, I'm such a bubblehead that every week I forget that it's Dedication Friday, and so I haven't done it yet.

All About Soul was a cut on Billy Joel's River of Dreams album that came out in 1993. From the moment I heard it I thought it fit my wife perfectly. This may surprise you, but Mr. Fabulous is not always the easiest person to live with. I may be fabulous, but I am not perfect (shocker!). And I can be a withdrawn, moody fellow (heck, Jennifer at work can tell you that). Especially lately.

Mrs. Fabulous is my rock. I am so lucky that we found each other all those years ago. I shudder to think where I would be today if not for her, and if God forbid anything should happen to her I shudder to think of how I would end up down the line.

This one is for you, baby. I love you.

All About Soul

She waits for me at night, she waits for me in silence
She gives me all her tenderness and takes away my pain
And so far she hasn't run, though I swear she's had her moments
She still believes in miracles while others cry in vain

It's all about soul
It's all about faith and a deeper devotion
It's all about soul'
Cause under the love is a stronger emotion
She's got to be strong
'Cause so many things getting out of control
Should drive her away
So why does she stay?
It's all about soul

She turns to me sometimes and asks me what I'm dreaming
And I realize I must have gone a million miles away
And I ask her how she knew to reach out for me that moment
And she smiles because it's understood there are no words to say

It's all about soul
It's all about knowing what someone is feeling
The woman's got soul
The power of love and the power of healing
This life isn't fair
It's gonna get dark, it's gonna get cold
You gotta get tough, but that ain't enough
It's all about soul

There are people who have lost every trace of human kindness
There are many who have fallen, there are some who still survive
She comes to me at night and she tells me her desires
And she gives me all the love I need to keep my faith alive

It's all about soul
It's all about joy that comes out of sorrow
It's all about soul
Who's standing now and who's standing tomorrow
You've got to be hard
Hard as the rock in that old rock 'n' roll
But that's only part, you know in your heart
It's all about soul

Monday, June 12, 2006

Muddled Mindless Manic Monday Musings

I came across this Advertising Slogan Generator. I can't remember where I saw it, or else I would give credit. It may have been while surfing at BlogMad. You type in a word, or a name, and it gives you a slogan. I really liked mine:

Now I just need to find define what The Mr. Fabulous Effect is. It would totally suck to have a cool slogan like that with nothing to attach it to. Hmm...

I want to thank all you guys for showing my renter, DutchBitch so much love over the last week. Her time with me is almost up as I write this. A ton of you went over to pay her a visit, and I appreciate it. I knew you would like her. I am glad that I was able to do something for someone from The Netherlands. We have a come a long way since we kicked the crap out of them in WWII. Wait, that doesn't sound right. I'm thinking of Norway, I think. Fucking Norway.

However, she is not getting her cleaning deposit back. It looks like she's been practicing animal sacrifices back there. It's probably part of her religion, but even so. You ever try to get goat's blood out of Berber carpet? It's gonna be a bitch. So it might be a week or so before the room will be ready to rent to someone else.

You may have noticed that now my blogroll is one big long ass list. No more food groups. The truth can now be told, the groups were little more than just a way to keep track of which blogs I had read during a particular time. But I have recently switched over from Blogrolling to Bloglines, on my sister's advice, and I find Bloglines to be far superior as I am able to bring up my feed page and tell at a glance which blogs have new posts and how many of them there are. So now it is a snap to know where to go.

If it has been a day or two since I have been to your blog, I will get there, I promise. There are another ten or twelve blogs I like that I want to add to the blogroll but I think I'm at the point where if I add much more I won't be able to keep up.

Can you guess what I have today at noon? A board meeting. I have been named to the Board of Directors for a local non profit agency. Can you imagine that? Me? Hard enough to believe that a goofball like me is a corporate manager, let alone a board member. Kind of makes you lose respect for these organizations, doesn't it?

I continue to be a guest bloggin' fool. While my sisters are cavorting in the sand and surf and are being pampered at the spa, I have done guest posts on both their blogs for today. I am not sure when they will be up, but Shelli's blog is here, and Megan's blog is here. I also have contributed an Athena topic and question to Pud's site, which can be found here (I'm not sure when hers will be up either).

That about catches me up for guest posts, although I am doing one for Tabz on June 24, and I will still be entertaining my dark side on Jin's site every Saturday. Busy busy busy.

It has been a while since I have done an audio post. I promised Shelli I would do a dramatic reading of Baby Got Back, so I need to get to that. I will also repeat my offer that if anyone wants me to do an audio post that they can put on their blog, let me know. Of course, you might want to ask Dawn and Katt if that's a good idea first!

I think when my new site goes live I'm going to have one of those obligatory 100 Things About Me pages. I am not at all put off by the fact that I have yet to see one of these pages on a blog belonging to a male blogger. Let's face it, I'm only a couple of Movies of the Week away from being a woman anyway. Or one meaningful one night stand with a dockworker from being gay, for that matter.

I know no one cares about this except me, but as I write this I am 20 games ahead in first place in my fantasy baseball league. I totally rock. I try to be a good sport about it though. Oh, and Sharra and Eric, if you are reading this, suck on it, chumps! I say that with love, of course.

I changed my avatar, but I am still not in love with it. I am having trouble finding one I like. Does anyone know of any good sites to get them from, or a good site where you can pay to have one made?

Okay, that's about it. This is has been a fairly long post for being about nothing. Don't work too hard this week. I know I won't--I've got Thursday and Friday off. Four day weekend coming up. Life is good!

And don't forget to keep your eyes peeled for...

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Can't hit a home run everytime...

I'm doing a little more housecleaning on all those drafts I still have that have piled up. I have deleted a few of them for good (trust me, they weren't worth your time) and I'm posting two of them today. Nothing special, just a couple of neat things that caught my eye in my travels.

Work is progressing nicely on my new digs, and I need to get rid of some stuff so I don't have to move it. You know how it is.

I forgot to mention that I did my usual Saturday guest post over at Jin's. If you want to check it out, it's a short one. I don't think any of you are on the list I talk about. Well, maybe that guy over there...

My renter is only with me for another day, so if you have not yet been over to see her, please do, she's in the room at the end of the hall. You better knock first, though. I think she's in there with a couple of UF students and my neighbor's collie.

I don't ask questions.

I find that a post on Sunday isn't complete without a vague reference to bestiality, don't you agree?

My sisters Shelli and Megan are staying out of trouble so far this weekend down in South Florida. I've got lawyers and bailbondsmen on speed dial, but so far they've been behaving themselves, thank God.

The soundtrack of my life...

http://www.hotfreelayouts.com/music.php

It's a start, anyway. I bet some of your favorites are here too.

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