My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Guest Posts, Learning Stuff, and My Generous Tenant

Once again I have been busier than a..a..than some guy who is busy doing...something...you know, because he's...busy...

My analogizer is broken.

In any event, if you want to find out why I am the best brother ever, you can do so over at Shelli's Sentiments.

If you want to learn how to eventually rub out all stupid people from your life, you can do so at Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.

And if you want to see me try my feeble hand at writing fiction, you can do so at Devil's Advocate.

I have learned three very important things during the past few days.

1. I am surprisingly limber. At least to the degree that if I pretend to walk like a chicken around the house or, more accurately, a chicken with cerebral palsy, I can bring my foot up high enough and with enough force that my heel comes dangerously close to my family jewels. And I have also learned that there can be an instance where everything aligns just right, and my heel does connect with the family jewels, and after I get up off the floor, trembling and trying to not vomit, walking like a palsied chicken does not seem like such a good idea anymore.

2. I like squeeze mayo, it is very handy. However, when I am making sandwiches and I squeeze a big glop of it onto bread, the shape of it reminds me of nothing else so much as dog turds. Shiny white dog turds. And that's all I can think of. Even after I spread it out. I still eat the sandwich, but I remain vaguely disturbed by it.

3. If I walk around the living room, for no reason, wearing only boxer shorts, and I do so with my thumb in the waistband, pulled way out as far as they will go, Mrs. Fab will look up from her studies with a look of tired resignation. But if my thumb slips, and the elastic snaps back against my nethers, making my eyes pop out and causing me to double over in shock, she will collapse in a paroxysm of laughter until she falls off the couch.

It is important to always be learning new things, don't you think?

Now, allow me to gush about my renter. The other day she sobered up long enough to bestow upon me a gift. Isn't that cool? It must be because I am like, just the coolest landlord ever. I wish we could keep her off the sauce, because she is very talented. I know that if she could just quit the booze and the meth she could become a productive member of society. Check out what she made for me:

Aren't those the ginchiest? Sure, I know the last one has a spelling error, but you've got to cut her a little slack. Hey, why not cut her a little Casual Slack? Oh my God, I just made that up as I was typing this. I am en fuego today!

Wait a sec...I need a moment to bask in my cleverness. Okay.

Anyway, she came up through the Rhode Island school system, and I'm not sure they have real schools there, so we can allow her a little leeway. Plus she may have been sober, but she was still likely hungover.

You know...now that I think about it, the little girl in that last one looks like the same little girl that has been missing around here. I think I saw her picture on some flyers. Maybe I better call the cops...

Well, I'll wait till I get the full week's rent. Then I'll squeal.

43 Comments:

Blogger T said...

This is why I love you Mr. Fab ...

4:16 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

You are without a doubt, the most fabulousest!!! LOL, love the post, love Mrs. Fab, there should be a sitcom about you and the Mrs.
Thanks for the roar ;)

5:25 AM  
Blogger Dick Small said...

I like them. Did Jen do those for you Fab? If so I'm very disappointed because the ones she does for me really suck (um, please don't tell Jen I said so. You know how "sensitive" she can be)....

5:35 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

I have read all three guest posts. I like them all. Except the one I put on my blog. That one sucks. ;)

6:59 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

I liked those advertising ads. Too funny!

7:08 AM  
Blogger Leave It To Cleavage said...

Those were cool and I enjoyed learning those little oddities about you. I'll go check out your renter.

7:17 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

I love the little girl one!

Sounds like you and Mr. Fab have a Fabulous time together:)

7:48 AM  
Blogger Spider Walk said...

Entertaining, as always!
You are very clever, and talented.
I have one questions though. When do you find time to sleep?

8:15 AM  
Blogger Suze said...

Dog turds! It reminds me of something else. You know what I'm refering to. ;)

8:32 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

The blob of white mayo always reminds me of cat barf, so I don't even eat it anymore. Well, that and it upsets my stomach.

And as for the spelling error...You know what they say about the gift horse. Hmmm...wait a sec. Maybe Jen is hiding in those banners waiting to take over your blog. I bet she is hiding in the spelling error one.

8:33 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

T--Why thank you! LOL

Lorraine--I don't think anyone would watch it LOL

Dick--I guess she just likes me more than she likes you. Obviously :)

Shelli--I tend to tailor my writing to the quality of the blog ;)

Pud--I know! I wish I could do those.

Leave--Are you saying I'm odd? :)

Sandi--Well, we do have our moments! :)

Spidey--I don't. That's part of the problem!

Suze--LOL Yes I do! Trust you to come up with that one :)

Lynda--You really think so? You are freaking me out now...

8:39 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

HAHAHA typo!!
I can't believe I made a mistake
You're right
too much vodka at work...


I will fix this!

8:40 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:47 AM  
Blogger Blogarita said...

walking like a palsied chicken does not seem like such a good idea anymore

You mean at one point it did?

8:56 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Dick
I'm deeply hurt
HAHAHA!
Now I am compelled
to make them suck even more

9:00 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

I adore the posters...you are far too creative, share some creativeness(Spelling? Is it even a word?) with the rest of us, will ya? ;)

9:03 AM  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

tooo coool, are you gonna give her a discount on her rent now?

ohhhh.. hurts when u smack da junk, huh? hubster smacked his junl ( via kid jumping on him) the day he got home from having his vasectomy..
wasnt too funny then, but now I can laff at it.. he still cant

Plus I spell like jen so i dont mind the error.. infact.....

11:02 AM  
Blogger michele said...

Those ads are way cool,i give
them 2 thumbs way up.

11:16 AM  
Blogger speckledpup said...

Oh I know about you being flexible.
I remember when you got your hand stuck in there and mom had to take you to the emergency room and they had to use the fingernail polish remover.. and
well, I still have dreams about it. Thank god for my drug habit or I'd never get any sleep.

your lil' sis, the pup.

11:36 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

I love those ads!

11:41 AM  
Blogger Finn said...

I didn't know chickens could have Cerebal Palsy. You learn something new every day, don't you?

12:15 PM  
Blogger Dick Small said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:27 PM  
Blogger Dick Small said...

JUST KIDDING, JEN!! TOTALLY!! By the way, did I ever tell you that you were my favorite blogger?? It's true.

12:35 PM  
Blogger Dick Small said...

Fab, I TOTALLY understand. If I wasn't me, I would like you better also.

12:36 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Blogarita--You mean you have never thought of it?

Jen--I figure you tailor them to the quality of the blog, right? :)

Shannon--It's not me, it's all Jen!

Bluepaintred--Yeah, I can't recommend junk smacking to anyone!

Michele--I know, she's awesome!

Pup--You SWORE you wouldn't tell anyone about that EVER!

Lori--They're super cool!

Megan--This is an educacational blog, sis!

12:44 PM  
Blogger Webmiztris said...

if you don't post video of yourself doing the palsied chicken strut, there is a good chance I WILL cry. ;)

1:05 PM  
Blogger Dick Small said...

Awww...

1:14 PM  
Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

can I take a second and bask in your cleverness??

4:15 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Webmiztris--Believe me, if I post that, EVERYONE would cry LOL

Beady--Okay, but don't do it for too long :)

6:22 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

The whore is back (meaning you, I mean!)... hey did you win your battle you were in for days?? :)

6:37 PM  
Blogger zhadi said...

Ah, it's nice to be back to Mr. Fabland...

6:54 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

My husband has yet to understand these simple things, and it never fails to amuse me when he does something stupid enough to inflict pain onto himself.

7:05 PM  
Blogger T. said...

Ha! Those ads are funny. I like the divorce one.

7:20 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

For the record
when I sobered up
I sent Mr. Fab the corrected version.
yet the typo version remains.

Just for that...
I'm turning the music up loud tonight! Might even have a party!

No sleep for Mr. Fab

Just call me the Tenant from hell

7:29 PM  
Blogger SupComTabz said...

you're the best guest poster that ever posted on June 24 ;)

7:36 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

lorraine summed up my sentiments exactly.

thank you, lorraine. :)

8:16 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Tracy--At least, yes, I did!

Zhadi--I'll need to stamp your hand so you can get back in :)

Heather--Yes, we are a stupid gender!

T--That one is my favorite too!

Jen--NO parties! Bad tenant! Bad!

Pissy--You are so sweet!

8:50 PM  
Blogger kattbanjo said...

I like those slogans! Mine was "there's no wrong way to eat a Kattbanjo!" teehee

9:18 PM  
Blogger Fantastagirl said...

cute...love the one with the little girl - although - nothing is better than candy!

11:09 PM  
Blogger shirley said...

Blogmad squeeeal!

2:31 AM  
Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Those are hysterical! Great job!

2:33 PM  
Blogger peebugg said...

I'm curious about #2......

why??

11:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey there..just wanted to say thanks for coming to my blog..I think your blog is hilarious! Im having a great time reading!

1:19 AM  

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