My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The shoes have arrived!

Well, Dutchbitch said she was gonna do it, and she did it. My size fifteen wooden shoes came late yesterday! Ain't they pretty? It is hard to tell from the photos, but they are very yellow.

She had them customized just for me, with my name on the right one...

And my shoe size on the left one, for all to see...

Isn't she the greatest? I now love her. It's official.

I am not sure, but I have been doing some reading on the Dutch culture, and I am pretty sure that this gift signifies that Dutchbitch and I are now engaged. Now, I am of course already married, but that won't be a problem because as I understand it, the Dutch goverment allows you to have up to five wives. All I have to do is apply for dual citizenship.

Here is a picture of me kicking back and relaxing with the shoes on. Don't they look comfortable? Perfect for wearing at a dinner party, or just lounging around the house.

Note: Well stupid blogger won't let me upload the picture. I've tried about 20 times. Damn you, blogger, I hate you, I hate you!

They are pretty heavy. Someone had suggested to me that I post a picture with one of them hanging off my um...you know. And Lord knows I was so excited when I saw them that there was definite swelling in my nether regions, but they are really heavy. It's a lovely appendage, and comes in handy quite often, but a load bearing organ it is not.

I am really looking forward to the big move to The Netherlands. Of course, you will all be invited to the wedding ceremony. It is going to be tough deciding on who will be in the wedding party, but I am sure we can find a spot for some of you.

Here are a few other tidbits I came across when researching my soon to be adopted home country:

  • In times of severe drought or food shortage, Dutch parents are encouraged by the goverment to eat their young.
  • Not realizing that the word can also mean "a bank usually of earth constructed to control or confine water", thousands of lesbians flock to The Netherlands every year only to leave shortly thereafter, bitterly disappointed.
  • They worship Richard Simmons like a God over there.
  • The official mammal of The Netherlands is the guppy. Which speaks volumes right there.
  • The Dutch have 37 words for "nipple".
  • The Swiss Miss on the cocoa packages? She was a hooker.
  • Every member of the Dutch soccer team can reproduce asexually, like amoeba.
  • Upper class Dutch women douche with Yoo Hoo.
  • The virility of Dutch men is measured by how many meat products they can stuff in their trousers.
  • They are still pissed at the Swiss for totally stealing their idea for cheese.
  • Wooden shoes weren't always made of wood. In the beginning they were made from seaweed.
  • Belly button lint is the official currency.

I wrote this entire post while wearing the shoes. True story.

Dutchy, ik houd van u!

58 Comments:

Blogger Shelli said...

Netherland, nether regions, methinks it isn't just a coincidence. I damn well better be in the wedding party and that means you will pay for my passage over, right?!

11:43 PM  
Blogger Shelli said...

I was first! I was first! Nananana! Yes I am a baby and a little immature at times.

11:44 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

I need to hook up with a Dutch woman...or five now. Thanks, thanks for that.

11:45 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

Wow. The shoes, they're amazing. You're so lucky! Soon you'll have a lover in every country. Just don't forget Mrs. Fab.

You-Hoo up the wazoo? Not so much.

12:24 AM  
Blogger marty said...

I think in the event of fire, you should prob make another choice for footwear.

12:34 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

My mom has a pair of shoes similar to that. Not in size or with the personalization, but that red pattern looks familiar. I recommend not hanging them off of anything you don't want swollen for the wrong reasons.

Not only was Swiss Miss a hooker, but she was also Swiss.

After World War II, the Dutch government stopped allowing five wives and now only allows two.

My Dutch isn't perfect and it is self taught (my first language, after all, but raised in the American school systems) but I think you mean "ik houden van jou". DutchBitch will probably correct us both. Still, you are very sweet. I knew what you meant.

By the way, Hans Brinker loves when the lesibians flock to Holland. He is often found with his finger in the dike.

12:42 AM  
Blogger Anne R. Key said...

I have often been accused of having "Dutchman's hands" because my fingers are frequently stuck in a dyke.

I'm just sayin'.

12:49 AM  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

ah the shoes! they are wonderful(fabulous?)... I wonder if dutch would send me a pair COD LOL LOL I could kick a pretty mean butt with them things on!

1:46 AM  
Blogger karaoke queen said...

LOVE the SHOES! Nuff said.

2:43 AM  
Blogger Dreamwalker said...

Those are very impressive clogs, love the customization! They look ivory rather than yellow on my screen..but beautiful!!

I hope I'm on the invitation list...? I've always wanted to sample their 'coffee' :)

3:49 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:08 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

Thank You Hon! So for the ceremony his and hers wooden shoes? I would prefer you not wearing your lemur skin suit though... Doesn't go well with the wooden shoes, I think

4:52 AM  
Blogger mandy said...

Brilliant, absolutely hilarious, I think I've just said goodbye to my credits LOL

Great Blog!!

5:29 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Shelli--Well, I think Mrs. Fab decides who the chicks are in the party. I'll ask her and get back to you, sis...

Shelli--Brat :)

Mike--You would go over very big over there. I'll test drive a few wives for you and get you some good ones!

Erin--Now Erin, different countries have different traditions. Like in Alaksa, where after the Iditarod there is a three day festival during which they make burgers out of all the losing dogs and everyone eats husky burgers till the brak of dawn.

Marty--Way ahead of you, buddy! I am having them lined with comfy asbestos!

Lynda--Very nice! I see you have been working on some new material. I think you are ready to hit the comedy clubs :)

Anne--It's funny because it's true! :)

KQueen--The perfect footwear when singing karaoke!

Dreamwalker--Is that a drug reference? Are we going to have to stage an intervention?

Dutchy--Well, can I stil wear the lemur skin condoms?

Mandy--Hey, thanks! And thanks for stopping by!

5:40 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Bluepaintred--Tell you what, let me know and I will be happy to come up there and kick some ass!

5:41 AM  
Blogger Suze said...

Size 15! Wow, is everything on you in proportion? ;)

If so I want to see you modelling them on your dinkle too.

I'm now off to buy a hat for the wedding.

6:24 AM  
Blogger bozette said...

wow I want to see them on your feet.

7:02 AM  
Blogger Noi Rocker said...

Oh man! I was so looking forward to the picture of you in the shoes! What is up with blogger? I have been facing the same problem for a few days now.

Lets have a strike!

7:10 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

So sweet! Am loving those shoes!

Can the women be married to 5 men, too? Cuz I am getting my suitcase if they can;)

7:19 AM  
Blogger kattbanjo said...

wow! cool shoes! They look like a blister waiting to happen. but that's probably part of the allure

7:20 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

Now don't you feel loved? You should also feel more cultured too.

7:20 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

I wasn't kidding about my Dutch. And the Hans Brinker comment is kind of an old joke in my family. :)

7:50 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

Oh and... it is "Ik hou van je"...

8:24 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Suze--You naughty thing, you :)

Bozette and Noi--I'm still trying! It wouldn't let me post it still today. But it will let me post other pictures, I think. Shelli put it on her flickr account and sent me the html but it STILL didn't work :(

Sandi--Absolutely. And I have it on good authority that Dutch men love cheese curd eatin' rum swillin' dames! :)

Katt--Not if I line them with baby kittens! Soft and furry!

Pud--I do!m I am quickly becoming a class act!

Lynda--I still thought it was funny!

Dutchy--Damn! Well, you knew what I meant. Ik hou van je! :)

8:44 AM  
Blogger Itchy said...

Awesome shoes though. Congrats on the marriage.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Finn said...

Yoo Hoo? Way to court a yeast infection ladies. I want the Monistat consession there.

Size 15 huh? Is it true what they say? You know, that you have big hands?

10:05 AM  
Blogger D said...

Who knew blogs were such a good way to solicit overseas brides? I need to find something completely representative of my area and send it to you. Maybe a case of beer? But then I'd insist on a video of you drunk on Canadian beer and dancing in the Dutch shoes.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

Awwwwwwww I feel the love!! Love the shoes.. I bet they would hurt if you decided to kick someone in the azz, (Just an observation) =)

10:48 AM  
Blogger speckledpup said...

oh see, I would definitely want you to wear the shoes during....
definitely.

Can I be the flower girl in the ceremony? Or do I still have to be the best man?

10:54 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

Thanks for reminding me of that.....ugh.......I better go lay down again;)

11:26 AM  
Blogger michele said...

Hey fab,pretty shoes but aren't
they a little girlie for a man
who wears size 15.I don't want
you to end up on "The Jerry
Springer Show."

11:50 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Itchy--Thank you. We are very happy :)

Megan--Hands? Yes, huge :)

D--I hear Canadian beer is really weak. I probably wouldn't even feel it :)

Shannon--Oh, I'll do some majopr ass kickin'!

Pup--Flower girl? You got it!

Sandi--Hee hee :)

Michele--Don't hate me because I'm beautiful! :)

11:59 AM  
Blogger Webmiztris said...

coool!! so are they as uncomfortable as they look? to hell with it if they are though...you need to talk a walk around the neighborhood in those babies and film it!

12:01 PM  
Blogger Leave It To Cleavage said...

Wow, Dutchy rocks. Those are some crazy interesting facts about the Netherlands. Good to know about the lesbians thing.
Mr. Fab, is it true about what they say about men with big feet?

12:25 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

You should wear them to the gym
or just go jogging in them
that would be awesome...

1:05 PM  
Blogger kattbanjo said...

I can't beleive you haven't commented on the list you tagged me to do!!
no kissy for you!

1:44 PM  
Blogger ablondeblogger said...

ROFL! Those are adorable! I can't believe she actually sent them to you (you rock, Dutch!)

2:44 PM  
Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

I'm not buying that you couldn't post that picture. I think you just didn't want to.

3:09 PM  
Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Where'd you dispose of Mrs. Fab? ;-)

Those shoes look awesome! Do they hurt?

3:14 PM  
Blogger gunngirl said...

37 words for nipple? That's interesting.

Are those clogs? If so, I want to see some fancy dancing, Mister.

3:42 PM  
Blogger Fantastagirl said...

The shoes are awesome!

6:01 PM  
Blogger Dixie said...

Best wooden shoes I've ever seen! Give ya a nickel if you pose with them on while wearing a Speedo.

You know. The real European look.

6:10 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

My oh my what big shoes you have my dear.

6:11 PM  
Blogger SupComTabz said...

it takes a big man to fill your shoes....


*cracks up*

7:59 PM  
Anonymous kristarella said...

They are so totally awesome! I wen to a dutch festival when I was younger. I would have bought clogs if I ould afford them but maybe it's better I didn't cos they wouldn't fit now.

This guy does some penis loading.

8:10 PM  
Blogger Maritza said...

I want a pair! I want TWO pairs!

Blogmad Kaboom!

8:11 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Webmiztris--Clothing optional? :)

Leave--It is absolutely true. It IS hard to find comfortable shoes!

Jen--Are you getting enough oxygen? :)

Katt--Are you sure? Let me go check...

ABB--Ain't she something, my fiance?

Pixie--I am still working on it diligently...

Attila--Mrs. Fab is cool with it! And they are surprisingly comfortable.

GunnGirl--I will have to take lessons first...

Fantastagirl--They are my favorite shoes ever!

Dixie--So you can print out the picture and sleep with it under your pillow? :)

Lori--And don't forget it, darlin'! :)

Tabz--To fill them with what? :)

Kristarella--Man, I could have gone my whole life without seeing that LOL. Thanks!

Maritza--You can't have my shoes!

8:46 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

Those shoes are SO you, Mr. Fab!

I can't wait to see a picture of you wearing them...it'll be soooooo special!

10:03 PM  
Anonymous Sodapop said...

those shoes are so cool!!!!

11:15 PM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

OMG I don't like that M word, and Five Times? geeze you're a masochist...Love those size '15' ;)

1:14 AM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

Those shoes are just great! You're one lucky guy!

Oh, and make sure the wedding is before July next year, okay? Otherwise I'll eventually have to fly in from Canada. I prefer a one hour flight to a 7 hour flight :)

3:59 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Pissy--It will come. Still trying to find a way to upload it...

Sodapop--Ain't they the best shoes ever?

Lorraine--So...does that mean you are taking yourself out of the running?

CS--Oh, don't worry, we will be planning the wedding with your timetable in mind, I already thought about that!

4:21 AM  
Blogger Spider Walk said...

That's some fine wood you're sporting there Mr.Fab.
*giggles*

10:21 AM  
Blogger zhadi said...

Those are some amazing size 15's, Mr. Fab. I'm impressed with the custom art! I think that you should post a picture of you WEARING them. Other clothing optional.

You forgot to mention that the official color in Holland is orange...day glo orange. I'm working with a Dutchman right now and he says this is so.

4:36 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Spidey--Thanks for noticing! :)

Zhadi--Always trying to get me naked, aren't you? :)

10:46 PM  
Anonymous Blair Bitch said...

I'm not coming to the wedding unless you give out pot as party favors.

11:21 PM  
Blogger cherish said...

They are FABULOUS!!!! I bet you look very SEXY!!!!

Dutch is awesome!

3:32 PM  
Blogger fashion said...

Gorgeous collection...I have never seen this shoes model..great post!

11:59 AM  

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