My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Won't someone please help my sister?

I need your help. I am at my wit's end. I am out of answers. I don't know where else to turn.

You all know my sister, Lil' Fab. Well, she's got a monkey on her back. She is in the clutches of a savage and crippling addiction. She is a whipped creamaholic. Very rare.

You know what she has for breakfast every single day? A cup of coffee with whipped cream on top. And not just a little whipped cream. A LOT of whipped cream. And she just keeps adding more as it melts. A full can will only get her through three cups of coffee.

She has a refrigerator in the basement just for whipped cream. We found her down there one day, splayed out all over the floor, half delirious, empty cans all around her. She just kept mumbling over and over again "Reddi wip, Reddi wip, Reddi wip, Reddi wip..." as her eyes rolled back into her head.

She puts it on popcorn. She puts it on steak. She puts it on lasagna. When she drives the kids to school in the morning she takes a can with her and keeps spraying it on the steering wheel and licking it off. It's gotten so bad that her poor husband Jason can only get her to kiss him now if he rubs some whipped cream on his lips and around his mouth. It is so sad.

If she was huffing the nitrous oxide, I could understand that. Heck, I'd even join her. But no, she just craves the sweet sweet cream.

Is there a twelve step program I can get her into?

19 Comments:

Blogger Lorraine said...

I'd say stick with your addiction Li'l Fab, sweeeeet :)
not hurting anybody are 'ya?
unless you start spreading it on strangers and licking it, that would be an invasion of privacy. The fact that they may enjoy it is irrelevant ;)

Are you perhaps a little envious Mr. Fab?

5:47 AM  
Blogger Dick Small said...

I've followed MANY 12-step programs, but I don't think there's one for redi-whip. I'll look into it, though.

6:00 AM  
Blogger kattbanjo said...

tell her to pull the rubber stopper out of bottom of can and huff it instead, that's what I do...much better buzz!

6:39 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Lorraine--Ewwww...she's my SISTER. Is that what you Canadian's do up there? :)

Dick--Keep me posted, homes.

Katt--Doesn't it counteract the crack cocaine? :)

6:52 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

Wow, this is a very serious addiction. I am sure it started in prison. I think she is at the point where there is no turning back though.

She can save money with generic though. It is just like the real thing!

7:33 AM  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I need a 12 step program too.

I had a bag of Skittles for breakfast.

*ahem*

My name's The Peanut Queen....and I'm a Skittleholic.

8:21 AM  
Blogger merlinprincesse said...

Just read her all the ingredients. No cream in that! Just plain chemical things. Then give her the real thing. Real whipped cream. Maybe she will change her addiction. But at least, it will be better for her health.... Except for the danger of clogged arteries.... :)

8:40 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

I love me some whip cream on my coffee and sometimes on my chocolate malt-o-meal, but I have never put it on steak, popcorn, the steering wheel or my husband. Well, maybe that one time. ;)

Stop telling them all my secrets, Fab.

Linda, I do buy it in bulk at Cosco.

8:45 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Lynda--Well, you know what a princess my sister is. It has to be name brand :)

Stacy--You poor thing. I'm on my way...

MP--I think she LIKES the chemicals though :)

Shelli--Sigh...still in denial...

9:05 AM  
Anonymous Va Va Voom said...

Somebody needs to put something in the cream to freak her out! So everytime she takes it, she will be reminded of it and get turned off.

One of my sisters couldn't stop putting on her strawberry lipgloss, almost to the point where she was eating it, so one day we just put a bit of tabasco sauce over it and when she had a taste of it, she cried and got turned off. But that was a long time ago when she was like...2 years old. Still...

9:21 AM  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

oh dear, that does sound serious! i think the only thing that you can do for her now, is offeer her a bowl of candied cherries!

10:17 AM  
Blogger Suze said...

I don't know if I can offer a solution to this because I'm addicted to custard. Don't tell anyone. ;)

12:39 PM  
Blogger SupComTabz said...

Haven't you seen Goonies?

Whip cream is for depression. ;)

4:13 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Va Va--Two years olds use lipgloss?

Bluepaintred--Hey, I am no enabler! LOL

Suze--Custard? Is that like pudding over there?

Tabz--Goonies? Goonies?

9:57 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

Buy generic but put it in Reddi-Whip cans. She will never know.

I wonder if I have any whipped cream in the fridge....

1:26 AM  
Blogger karaoke queen said...

Mmmmmmm whipped cream. So many uses.

2:59 AM  
Blogger marty said...

I think the whipped cream is a problem when developers start to ask her if she'd like to go condo.

3:23 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

You know, if she wants to be a whipped cream whore, leave her be.... geez. I am soooooooooooooo trying it on popped corn! :)

As for her hubby, perhaps he should put it elsewhere to distract her from her addiction..................

But you know. It could be so much worse. She could be a battle whore like you! :)

10:51 AM  
Anonymous smluke said...

Sooooo much better uses for whip cream! Whatever keeps you going li'l!

10:42 PM  

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