My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Cousin Freddie

Okay, you all have freaky relatives. And some of you, like Dick, have a lot of freaky fictional relatives. Allow me to tell you the story of Mrs. Fab's cousin Freddie.

Freddie is a couple of years older than Mrs. Fab, and lives up in Massachusetts. Well...yeah, I guess it still counts as living somewhere if you are in prison, doesn't it?

Freddie was always a little strange growing up. He never married, he rarely came to the family events. We just learned on Sunday that his mother used to beat all the kids and their father, so perhaps that had something to do with it.

They thought Freddie was gay. And maybe he was, we don't know. Probably not I guess, in light of his crimes.

Anyhow, Freddie lives here now:

It was the best picture I could find of the Billerica House of Correction.

Why does Freddie call that lovely institution home?

Well, Freddie had a habit of creeping into people's backyards and stealing clothing off the clotheslines. Well, he didn't take just any clothing. He preferred women's panties exclusively.

What would Freddie do with those panties? Well, he would write nasty things in them. And then he would ejaculate into them. Just to show the depth of his affection, I assume. And then he would put them back on the line.

So at least he returned them.

He would also follow and stalk women he liked. Freddie was shy, I guess. Oh, but he would eventually let them know how he felt about them. How?

With flowers? No. With candy? No? A card, a phone call, a kind word?

No, no, and no.

He would break in their cars.

And defecate in them.

Smooth, eh?

So, Freddie won't be with us for a while. I'm not sure for how long. I tried to look it up but I couldn't find it.

Have you got a freakier relative than Freddie?

Now, in the interests of full disclosure, I should tell you that Freddie may not be the freakiest relative in Mrs. Fab's family.

Apparently there is documented proof that Mrs. Fab's mother's side of the family can be traced back all the way to around the time of the Pilgrims in Massachusetts. And there is also documentation that one of the relatives spent time in jail for having sexual relations with a turkey.

That's right. Mrs. Fab is decended from turkey fuckers. Turkey fuckers and public defecators.

Beat that.


Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

There's no beating that. Cousin Freddie is definitely fucked and Mrs. Fab should be so proud.

6:18 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

Wow! Mrs. Fab's family makes my family seem normal. I didn't think it was possible.

6:33 AM  
Blogger apositivepessimist said...

Whoa...nice bloody surroundings it nestles in.

Nope Mrs Fab wins it over my relatives...well what I know of them. Hopefully more may come to light upon the passing of some of them so I still have some hope.

6:34 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Blair--Wow...that is a startling admission. Mrs. Fab will be bursting with pride!

Pud--See? Now you can feel better about your family!

APP--I really like your avatar :)
It is always fun to uncover stuff about dead people!

6:52 AM  
Blogger Spider Walk said...

It's good to see that my family isn't the only dysfunctional around..LOL!!

Happy Tuesday, Fab Man :)

7:00 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

Umm, even my crazy family cannot beat that one!

Close, but you still beat mine :)

7:06 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Spidey and Sandi--Um...I would like to point out that Freddie is part of Mrs. Fab's family...not mine LOL.

My people are all normal and incredibly well adjusted :)

Well. Except for moi.

Hey, I can speak French!

7:12 AM  
Blogger flic said...

Wow. Did you see Freddie much when you were kids? What was he like then? Did you notice or think anything about him back then?

Amherst College rules!

7:38 AM  
Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

Mrs. Fab's family makes my outlaws eerr inlaws seem almost normal.
I like to hear more about the turkey fucker. I am just joking or am I? LOL

7:47 AM  
Blogger Itchy said...

For the first time ever I feel like my family is normal. Thank you for that.

I should add, though, that I find your use of "beat that" at the end of this particular post HILARIOUS!

7:50 AM  
Blogger CrankyProf said...

OK, I may have the HQ, SMother and the Metatron, but alla familia de turkey-fuckers has me beat.

Although it MAY explain Mrs. Fab's affinity for those who are, uh...attracted to animals. Lemur-lover!

(FWIW, we had a panty-stealer in our neighborhood last summer. Only he stole laundry that belonged to LITTLE GIRLS. Oddly enough, when the cops caught up with him, it turned out he was a thrice-convicted pedo, he "resisted arrest," and got the beatdown of his life.

8:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you insinuating that my stories are fictional? ARE you???

8:37 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Dick--You want a piece of me, Small? I'll stomp you like a narc at a biker rally :)

Beady--Now come on..I am sure there are PLENTY of turkey fuckers in Mississippi!

Flic--Thanks for stopping by! I never met him, and Mrs. Fab never saw him too much. Thankfully!

Amherst? No way, UMass rules! Oh wait, they threw me out...

Itchy--LOL Glad to be of service! :)

CP--I'm Glad that perhaps in some small way your people don't look quite so bad. Oddly enough, I make Mrs. Fab feel better about HER peeps sometimes by telling her about YOURS. It's a symbiotic relationshop.

Pedophiles should ALWAYS get the beatdown of their lives. I'd like to give a few...

8:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! Very Nice! Check out this website I found where you can make extra cash.
It's not available everywhere, so go to the site and see if you can find something. I found something and make
and extra $900 a month!

9:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I request which piece I get??

9:41 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

It would be hard to rival that in my opinion, which may not count for much.

9:51 AM  
Blogger speckledpup said...

truth with my hand up,
On daddy's great grandmother was born in the Laclede County Jail. Her mother was in jail for stealing horses.
Also, great grandma Winnie was half black...a no no before the turn of the century and I know what you're thinking...but her momma was white... yup, smoke that.
OH and brother #2 is currently in the penn for sexual offenders. I won't go into his crimes.
And my mother was a 5th cousin to Jesse James. She has pictures and everything.
See my family's as screwed up as anybody's.

Now listen turky fucking on here and goat fucking on Mike's's about all a girl can handle today...

lets talk about baking bread tomorrow mmmmkay?

10:02 AM  
Blogger Nobody said...

In Freddie's defense, it wasn't really stealing, he was only borrowing the panties. He's stil a sick fuck.

10:17 AM  
Blogger michele said...

No freaks in my family,just
the usual array of drug addicts
and alcoholics.

10:17 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Mike--Your opinion always counts my friend. We value the viewpoints of cheeseheads :)

Pup--My goodness, I think we have a winnner! Mrs. Fab will be so happy.

Bread baking huh? Heh heh. Okay. Be careful what you wish for...

Michele--Ooh, they sound like fun!

Nobody--Oh come on, you want to party with him and you know it! :)

10:20 AM  
Blogger Finn said...

Freddie needs psychiatric care. Serious psychiatric care.

I bet Mrs. Fab got all the "good" genes in that family. Thank God you got her out of there.


10:24 AM  
Blogger D said...

Turkey fucking?

10:41 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

I would say that he has some anger issues with women. Just a guess.

Pup--My husband has a distant relative that was a member of the Jesse James gang. Clel Miller. Weird, huh?

12:00 PM  
Anonymous 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) said...

Um.... REEEEAAAAlllly want to laugh her Mr. Fab. I'm holding it in though, this is Mrs. Fab's relatives, afterall. I have some "backwoods" relatives, but in all honesty they don't hold a candle to Cousin Freddie. (Or they haven't been caught yet)

Oh, and Mr. Fab, you realize that when you marry, you inherit your wife's family as well. Yes, this means they (or more to the point, cousin Freddie) becomes YOUR family too. :-) Since we can tie in our spouse's family, my husband's has some strange ones, although I still think cousin Freddie takes the cake.

Well alll those words just to say, I can't top that. ;-)


12:12 PM  
Blogger Anomie-Atlanta said...

"There is also documentation that one of the relatives spent time in jail for having sexual relations with a turkey."

Ah ha, the orgins of bird flu!

2:26 PM  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

#1. Mrs. Fab allowed you to post this?

#2> Freddi sounds hot!

2:26 PM  
Blogger Suze said...

That would certainly make bringing in the washing more interesting. You could probably sell the proceeds (Err!) on the Internet.

I just made myself feel sick. :(

2:33 PM  
Blogger ablondeblogger said...

Oh my gosh!! Did you make that up?!

I really thought I took the prize for weirdest family members. You've made me feel much, much better, lol!

2:51 PM  
Blogger kattbanjo said...

Is it possible to screw a turkey?? how???

3:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My family has alcoholics, embezzlers, and people in hiding from the IRS; I'm even related to Wild Bill Sullivan somewhere down the line... But Mrs. Fab's family definitely has mine beat. In fact, they seem pretty normal in comparison.

3:25 PM  
Blogger MsDemmie said...

Makes me ( the black sheep of the family ) seem normal...........

3:26 PM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

Sorry Fab. I just can't relate to this one. This is another one where I feel Ms. Fab IS a saint. Call me a softie if you want (a glamourous one - I shall NEVER loose my sense of humour). Luv you anyway. Kisses.

3:36 PM  
Blogger CeCe said...

You know, you're SOOO lucky you're still married. Mrs. Fab is way too kind in keeping you around!

4:24 PM  
Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

This cannot be true. Or wait...this must be true because you just can't make this kind of stuff up. Lovely.

Nothing says "I love you" like a steaming pile of shit and dirty panties. I guess...

5:22 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

I think Freddie sounds like a charming young man

5:26 PM  
Blogger Pro-Divorce said...

Turkey fucking...Cousin Freddie is apparently smarter than moi because even if I did want to fuck a turkey, I'm not sure I'd really know how.

--Do you have to get them liquored up first?

--Do you have to take them to a movie first?

--Assuming it's a turkey that puts out, where would Cousin Freddie put little Freddie?

5:41 PM  
Anonymous Shannon said...

Mrs. Fab consented to you posting this info? She is a stronger woman than I. There better be chocolate and strawberries waiting for her. That's an order, tan man. Oh....and thanks, I'm never having turkey again. Ever.

5:45 PM  
Blogger michele said...

Are we going to see you on the Jerry SPRINGER show soon?
Let me know the date it airs.

6:27 PM  
Blogger kattbanjo said...

I forgot to mention I have a celebrity relative!!!

6:54 PM  
Blogger Geek said...

Yep, Got nuthin. I do however have a better appreciation for ones I thought
were strange.

7:43 PM  
Anonymous ANO said...

Cousin Freddie is on his way to being a serial killer! I could feature him on my blog! lmao

8:02 PM  
Blogger Lynn / vigilant20 said...

Wow turkeys...the physics behind that defies me. I'm pretty sure I don't want to understand it either.

8:09 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Shannon and CeCe--Not only did I get Mrs. Fab's permission to post this, but she filled in the blank spots for me!

D--It makes you hot, doesn't it? LOL

Tense Teacher--Embezzlers? That's pretty cool!

Shelli--I would agree with that opinion!

3T--You can laugh about him. She does!

Anomie Atlanta--Ooh, I hadn't thought of that! Hey, thanks for popping in.

Bluepaintred--I knew you would like him!

Katt--How do you screw a turkey? With enthusiasm and gusto! LOL

ABB--Swear to God it is all true. I will look for proof...

Ms. Demmie--Anything I can do to help :)

Suze--You mean you're not into that? Shocker! LOL

CS--Of course you can't relate to it. There is nothing less glamorous than turkey fucking!

Pixie--Well, you know, Freddie is a romantic at heart...

Jen--I'm thinking of fixing him up with Dick...

Pro Divorce--I'll download some inrtuctions for you :) Thanks for coming by!

Michele--I have always been shocked that they have never been on that show!

Megan--You are so right! She is the ONLY normal one in the bunch.

Katt--I am aware :)

Geek--Oh come now, I would think turkey fucking is an official sport in Mississippi...

Ano--Good idea! Let's hope he escalates!

Lynn--Thanks for stopping by! Who are you kidding? You are frantically looking for pictures and instructions right now! :)

8:53 PM  
Blogger peebugg said...

Wow.....I'm semi speechless....

I have a cousin that has cat eyes... as for all out weirdness...they have kept that pretty quiet or at least quiet to me...

9:16 PM  
Blogger Geek said...

We save the best for the pigs. mmmm bacon.

10:34 PM  
Blogger cherish said...

HEHE I am laughing so hard! Looking forward to the turkey story!

I think Freddie has my relatives beat.

10:57 PM  
Blogger Big Ben said...

Cousin Freddie sounds like a blast. Did he bring his own toilet paper when shitting in the car?

10:59 PM  
Blogger Fantastagirl said...

Whew - and I thought my Dad's family put the fun in dysFUNctional...

I mean I have a 79 alcholic Grandpa - who got his at least 12th OWI, I have an aunt who is unlucky at love and married 7 times, and a sister who was married to a self made chemical engineer, who I think is still in jail for his "dealings"...

holy crap - Mrs. Fab I think you won.

11:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy effing shit!

Thats all I can say..I am at a loss for any other words.

11:47 PM  
Anonymous ficklechick said...

You win that one, hands down! Thank god! ;)

2:20 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

mmm I think one of my young gorgeous cousin was about to become a member of a gang, but her other, my wonderful godmother, saved her.

Oh Yeah, and I shudder as I say that, we once had, hum, .....a Judge in our family

3:34 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

Could Freddie be related to Dick's imaginary relatives? And I am sure that he has some long lost relatives over here as well... I think I know some of them...

3:59 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Ficklechick--I am glad I could be here for you :)

Lorraine--A judge? Ewww...Freak!

Dutchy--What? Not all Dutch people are normal? I thought YOU were the only exception...

Peebug--Cat's eyes? I don't think I've ever seen that...

Geek--I bet it DOES smell like bacon when that friction gets going...

Cherish--Glad I could indulge your bestiality fetish!

Big Ben--I am guessing he just wiped himself on the seat. That's what I do!

Fantastagirl--Hey, can your ex brother in law hook me up? :)

Mimi--YOU'RE speechless? Wow...

6:17 AM  
Blogger karaoke queen said...

Wow, thanks Mr. Fab. I feel much better about my family now. We're just the usual emotionally manipulative, Jerry Springer style - who's da father type family.

9:54 AM  
Blogger zhadi said...

Er...I need to think about whether or not I want to air my family's dirty laundry (none of it with someone else's bodily fluids in it)...but Cousin Freddie is up there with Uncle Ernie (if you're a TOMMY fan).

Hmm...maybe he's one of the reasons Mrs. Fab is so comfortable with you! You're downright normal in comparison...

No, I couldn't say that with a straight face.

12:43 PM  
Blogger marty said...

Did Freddie once run for public office?

9:56 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

You know that this side of Freddie's behavior could have come for the genes that were not on Mrs. Fab's side. (i.e. If Freddie's mom was Mrs. Fab's sister, what kind of freaks are on the husband's side?)

Still, very interesting....

10:14 AM  
Anonymous Luin said...

Wow. Just wow. See, here I thought my Mm was fucked up...but that is just wow. I don't know what to say...

1:07 AM  

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