My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Equal time...

Okay, so maybe yesterday's post was a tad hard on women drivers. A lot of the ladies thought it would be a good idea for me to do some research and find some pictures of male drivers that had gotten themselves into some embarrassing situations.

Well frankly, that's a lot of work. Maybe when I become a big shot writer and can hire an intern, they can do that kind of leg work, but right now I have my hands full answering emails, trying to catch up on blogs, and working on my resume.

Oh, and playing around with my MySpace account.

Speaking of which, my profile has been erased twice. Are they doing it because there were naughty words in it? Is that against the rules? I can talk about murdering hitchhikers and having auditory hallucinations, but I can't say the word "motherfucker"?

Maybe I just didn't save it right. If you want to add yourself as my friend, you may do so here:

Oh, right. Equal time.

Okay, instead of looking for pictures of male drivers, what I am going to do is tell a few tales on myself.

The 80's were a special time. The big hair, the cool music, John Hughes. And, oh yes, the auto accidents.

Between 1980 and 1987 I compiled quite the record, thank you very much. Consider the evidence, if you will:
  • My friend Steve and I are racing our cars home from class at UMASS down Route 9. I am ahead but have to pull up short behind some traffic at a light. I see in my rearview that he will not be able to stop in time. I cut the wheels right at the last moment, his big Lemans hits my Maverick, and I end up in someone's front yard.
  • My friend Tom and I are headed home one night after an off campus party at our friend Zeke's place. We have had a cocktail or two, so we take the back road. Which is twisty. And wet. And covered with leaves. As we are driving, he has to go to the bathroom. I say he can hold it. He says he can't. An argument ensues. Finally I exclaim "Okay, you want to to stop, we'll stop!" I slam on the brakes. Not a smart move. The truck skids off the road, cleaving a cement city boundary sign in two, and we end up in a field. We both calmly get out and walk around to the front of the truck and take a leak. We agree that this is not a good situation. Luckily the truck still runs. We get to a pay phone and call our friend Mac, who is a cop, who advises us to never speak of this again. Later he looks at the accident site and says we're lucky one of us isn't dead. If the cement sign hadn't had an iron bar in the middle of it, the top would have come through the windshield.
  • One afternoon, on my way to UMASS for an afternoon class, I was negotiating a turn while trying to look for a cassette tape I wanted to play. I never came out of the turn and smashed into a guard rail. I missed my class that day.
  • I had been fishing with some close friends of mine one Saturday, when it was decided we needed more provisions. I drove Chet and myself out of the park, closed the gate, stocked up at a local convenience store, and headed back. When we got back to the gate Chet mentioned that he would get out and open it but me, feeling absolutely no pain, announced I would open it up with the truck. Well, I opened it. But that iron gate was a lot heavier than I thought it was, and it bashed up my front end pretty good.
  • One time my truck was in the shop, so I had to rent one. I rented a Ford Granada. I know, sweet ride, eh? On Saturday night I picked up a couple of friends and we stopped at the Big Y liquor store to stock up on tasty adult beverages. We had a few minutes of time to kill so I thought it would be funny to see how fast I could drive backwards up the hill of the parking lot (they guys we were waiting for worked at the Big Y Supermarket on the other side of the lot). So I put it in reverse and gunned in, faster and faster through the lot. I can still hear Steve in the back seat screaming "Look out!" I turned the wheel, but too late. We slammed into a big cement base that was supporting a light for the parking lot. The doors popped and the roof caved in. Those Ford Granadas must have been made out of heavy tin foil. Luckily, I had gotten the insurance. Yay insurance! I was able to drive it back to the rental agency, where I thought the manager was going to cry. All I could do was shrug and walk away.
  • The last accident was in 1987 with my Ford Courier. On July 4th. A couple of weeks after we had paid it off. I was coming back from a party in Springfield late in the day after consuming much alcohol. I was driving up Interstate 91. I um....fell asleep. But not for long. I woke up when my truck starting jettisoning those big metal orange and white construction barrels all over the highway. I had run into a line of them. For your information, you can hit about four or five of those before your car will no longer run. I walked to the next exit and called Mrs. Fab and she picked me up and I got a tow truck to haul it away. It was totalled.

Learn from this kids. Don't drink and drive. And stay in school. And don't talk to strangers.

I was extremely lucky in that, despite the alcohol factor in most of these accidents, the police were never involved, so I never took that hit.

And I take great pride in that, to the best of my recollection, I didn't get cited or dinged on my insurance for any of the accidents, even though they were clearly all my fault. But in Massachusetts you were able to argue your case before a magistrate, and even then I was a consumate bullshit artist. I would spin my yarn and would always end up being found not liable.

The rental car? The brakes were faulty (and something else...I can't remember).

The town line boundary sign? A rabbit ran out in front of me and I swerved to avoid it.

The contruction site? Nails! Nails and debris carelessly left in the road, causing me to have a blowout and to hit the barrels.

I can't remember the other ones. But I know I always beat them.

I was looking to see if I had any pictures of any of the accidents, and I could only find one.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

So that is my story. Does that make up for yesterday?

And I didn't even throw out any euphemisms for menstruation.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Aw, crap. Sorry, ladies.


Blogger Shelli said...

Please don't ever drive drunk again. I can't bear to lose my older brother now that I have finally found him.

12:06 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

First! I am first! nana nana boo boo!

12:06 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

And second and now third, too!

12:07 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Shelli--These days I just get high on life sis. Well, that and the redrum heroin and opium. But still :)

12:10 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

BE hit! Makes me the 4th real commenter since you were just replying to my 3. LOL

12:11 AM  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

dude im astounded ... do you still drink and drive? please say no. even if you have to lie. please please please say no....i LIKE you

12:46 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

The things Shelli gets excited about.

You should have done euphamisms on the penis.

* 100% all-beef thermometer
* Ass wedge
* Ba-donk-a-donk
* Baby maker
* Crank shaft
* Earthworm Jim
* Executive staff member
* Flapdoodle
* Flesh missile
* Happy Harry Hard-on
* Love pump
* Major Manchowder

Well, you get the idea.

But since your cyber sisters love purple:

Purple avenger
Purple bulb
Purple-headed bed snake
Purple-headed belly ripper
Purple-headed burrow beast
Purple-headed cum shooter
Purple-headed custard chucker
Purple-headed love truncheon
Purple-headed meat scepter
Purple-headed pirate
Purple-headed punisher
Purple-headed warrior
Purple-headed womb broom
Purple-headed womb ferret
Purple-headed yogurt slinger
Purple-helmeted snot Nazi
Purple-helmeted soldier of love
Purple-helmeted Nazi of love
Purple-helmeted warrior
Purple muffin
Purple mushroom
Purple piledriver
Purple pork chop
Purple pulsating pillar of power
Purple turkey baster

I had a lot of laughs with that link you posted yesterday.

12:52 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

Is there a prize for being first or something?

12:53 AM  
Blogger Serra said...

You rented a Ford Granada? On PURPOSE?

One of those fuckers tried to eat me once.

1:23 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

mmmmm it is a wonder you're still alive...there has to be a reason!

2:58 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

And I thought I was a bad driver LOL! Oh wait...I am. I never drink and drive and still am terrible at it. I want a driver like in Driving Miss know Driving Miss Melly. I would offer you the position but it looks like you are as bad at it as I am LOL!

Lynda you are cracking me up!!!!!!!!!
Dont forget "the one eyed wonder"

6:07 AM  
Blogger goldennib said...

You, all by yourself, threw the statistical curve way out of wack. And blew my theory.

6:12 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Shelli--Sis, I am begging you to start taking your medication...

Blue--Rest assured, my friend, I do not. Those days are long past, I promise you.

Lynda--You have offically caused me to ROTFLMFAO. Seriously. First the MMORPGs and now this? You are TOTALLY my hero!

Lynda--No, but it makes her happy and keeps her off the streets, so what the heck?

Serra--Hey, back in those days a Ford Granada was...well...I guess back in those days it was shit too...

Lorraine--I am alive today to be able to enjoy your wonderful photographs and subtle wit.

Mel--I am a very good driver now. I am the best driver you know! :)

Goldennib--Yes, but as far as things to blow, that's not bad, eh? :)

6:51 AM  
Blogger Cynnie said...

I read all that ..and all i could think was..
You have a myspace account ?
yikes..what a loser..
Still tryin to hang w/ the kiddies huh?

7:21 AM  
Blogger CrankyProf said...

Aw. you're so darn cute when you're self-effacingly mysogynistic.

(Just kidding. We know you love the female. Lemur.)

7:28 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

Why is there not a nr 10 in the euphemisms... I personally like nr 9. It's best to be honest really...

7:32 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

Oh and Shell!? I was nr 16 AND now 17... does that do anything for ya? Probably not... I guess...

7:33 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Cynnie--How else am I going to learn how to be a pedophile?

Okay, I just lost all my readers who are moms...

CP--I love the male lemur. I love the female woodchuck. Sometimes twice.

Dutchy--That's the beauty of it. It just said "top" it didn't say "top ten". You gotta think outside the box :)

7:46 AM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

Why do you need a myspace page and a blog? Just curious.

8:28 AM  
Blogger Teri said...

you know all that research you have to do on all the bad men just did it. Congratulations.

8:49 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

Woo Hoo IM 21.

9:28 AM  
Blogger Finn said...

Now I know what I'm getting you for your birthday: a chauffeur.

And Lynda? I am in awe. Seriously. Awe. ;)

9:43 AM  
Blogger kristi said...

You have quite a driving history but I think all of us do. I have had my fair share of auto mishaps too, I hit a gas regulator in someones front yard and had natural gas spewing everywhere!!!

9:50 AM  
Blogger Jod{i} said...

Lmao...Oh and that was tame...on the euphemisms...

crack me up..

10:23 AM  
Blogger Sudiegirl said...

You missed "the Crimson Tide" and "trolling for vampires". I'm very disappointed in you!

10:36 AM  
Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

were are your wrecks you was a driving a Ford?? just curious. :)

10:49 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

Don't forget Vampires Teabag.

Haha well I gotta say I've never wrecked a car or gotten a ticket. Shit did I just jinx myself?

11:57 AM  
Blogger Webmiztris said...

are you a woman, mr. fab? that's an awful lot of accidents for a 'man'. ;)

12:15 PM  
Blogger michele said...

We're both lucky to still be
around.I drove into the center
divider once,the car was
only a month old.

Please people don't drink and
drive you may not be so lucky.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

I guess I chose a good avatar then. ;)

12:20 PM  
Blogger Itchy said...

OK, the stories of your accidents and the reasons behind some of them makes me think that you are actually from West Virginia. (don't get no panties in a bunch people...I'm from WV...I can make the jokes. :D )

1:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drinking and driving is very uncool... I'm glad you've seen the light, and not the one at the end of the tunnel.

And, I am loving Lynda's list.

2:24 PM  
Blogger Suze said...

I'll be calling on you to be my lawyer if I ever end up in court.

You are lucky to be here given your track record with cars.

We had a near miss last June. Driving down the motorway at 75, we had a rear tyre blow out on us. We weaved across to the central land and then spun 360 in the central lane.

The car finally came to a stop when it slammed in to the Armco on the hard shoulder. We are so lucky to be here today!

2:43 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

Wow, I'm glad you quit driving while inebriated.

3:34 PM  
Blogger Catch said...

I am so glad you dont drink and drive anymore!

Do I have to have a uniform to belong to Fabs blog or go thru an initiation??? I think I would like to become a regular..

4:36 PM  
Anonymous 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) said...

LMAO! (at the menstrual eyphimisms)

From the sounds of it Mr. Fab, your driving has retired a few angels, keeping you alive and well. ;-)


4:43 PM  
Blogger MsDemmie said...

You definately have too much time on your hands ! ( give him a job QUICK! )

7:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

MAVERICK! My first car was a maverick...and although most people laugh, it wasn't like other didn't have pieces of other mavericks on it holding it together...that baby had a 302 V8, white racing strip and BITCH Scratched into the side (at first when I found that in the high school parking lot I was devestated..then sister told me to think of it as "monogrammed" and it was so much cooler)

Man, I loved that car. It hauled. It peeled. It kicked some "this is all I could buy with $500" high school loser ASS

7:35 PM  
Blogger Leave It To Cleavage said...

I'm just glad to see that you got your sense of humor back.

8:06 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

you know why your profile has been erased twice..

because myspace sucks

just thought you should know



8:19 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

MCMonk--I don't. I don't blog on it. I...don't know why. But I had to do it.

Teri--Curse you woman for the mocking! LOL

Lori--That's the winning number!

Megan--Isn't she just the coolest?

Kristi--Whoohoo! Now THAT is a good story!

Jod{i}--You're right...I've lost a step LOL

Sudie Girl--I saved those for you :)

Beady--As a matter of fact, I think they WERE all Fords

Donna--Thanks for popping in. Yes, you will get a ticket in a week :)

Webmiztris--Actually I remembered one I left out, when I spun out and wrecked my company car. No alcohol involved though.

Michele--How right you are, my friend!

Lynda--You did indeed! LOL

Itchy--Um...these were CARS Itchy, not wagons :)

Tense, Erin, and 3T--Not to worry, ladies. I have learned my lesson. Scouts honor!

Catch--Well, there might be some hazing involved...

MsDemmie--And it's only been a couple of days LOL

JackassJen--Wow, you would have totally been my hero!

Leave--Yes, I seem to have traded my earpiece for it :) THAT'S why!

9:14 PM  
Blogger Big Ben said...

God, you are lucky to be alive!

Why does everyone in the world have to have a my Space account?

9:45 PM  
Anonymous Luin said...

And you know what, this is really aptly timed because I really am not at my best because my vagina is bleeding.

9:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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It's not available everywhere, so go to the site and see if you can find something. I found something and make
and extra $900 a month!

3:44 PM  
Blogger Natsthename said...

I understand all of this now. You went to UMASS!

7:59 PM  
Blogger jali said...

Stop sucking up.

3:25 PM  

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