My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I know when I am going to die...

How many of you can say that?

My death will occur in one week. In the afternoon. About two-ish.

Why? Because I foolishly offered to reprise my role as Jake Blues for a Blues Brothers All Star Blood Drive we are holding out in Cross City, Florida.

Outside. In July. On the blacktop. In the parking lot. At the main intersection of town.

I'm not very good in math, but I can handle this equation:

Ten hour day + July + hot sun + blacktop + parking lot x out of shape middle aged man + black hat + black jacket + black trousers + black shoes x running all over town + dancing and singing on the street corner = one dead guy in a week, in the afternoon, around two-ish.

Does anyone know of any good prospects for Mrs. Fab's next husband?

Does anyone want anything of mine? I can have Mrs. Fab rewrite the will.

In accordance with my last wishes, I will be cremated and small little pieces of my ashes will be baked into some of Mrs. Fab's delicious brownies, one of each will be sent to all of you so that you may eat me. Take a bite out of Fab!

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the Foundation for Trying to Save Stupid Guys From Themselves.

Some men hang glide. Some rock climb. Some wrestle alligators.

This is how I subject myself to otherwise avoidable danger.

Dead man walking! And singing. And dancing.

And dying.

56 Comments:

Blogger MC said...

You are going to be a soul, man in more than name alone.

3:23 AM  
Blogger Kentucky Girl said...

What the hell were you thinking? I'd rather be drug naked behind a team of horses over glass and gravel into a rubbing alcohol-filled pool than to do that. Silly man.

3:34 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Wow, Mr. Fabulous as a spirit, a ghost who will visit, WOW...
The possibilities are infinite!

3:59 AM  
Anonymous Kyle Korleski said...

Wow, and the last thing that got out to your wife was something abour your gay affairs.

5:17 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

RIP Mr Fab. Maybe Mrs Fab will post pictures of your demise????

You are crazy! and dedicated.

5:23 AM  
Blogger Dick Small said...

Are you the guy in the front, or in the back?

5:26 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

MC--When you speak of me, please...be kind.

KGirl--I am regretting it more each day...

Lorraine--I hadn't thought about that. I'll need directions...

Kyle--Hell, I was bound to be tainted by scandal one way or another.

Mel--I'll make sure she gets a shot of the chalk outline for you!

Dick--I'm the fat bastard in the front about to collapse after only THREE songs INDOORS in AIR CONDITIONING.

Vegas has the odds of me coming out of this alive at 5,000-1.

6:20 AM  
Blogger kattbanjo said...

I want the footage fimed and posted for my enjoyment. Be sure to groom your moooood nipples so when they rip your shirt off to shock you with the paddles, they'll be in top form. It's sad, I will miss you. Still have my special pic of you laminated to keep me company.

7:14 AM  
Blogger Dick Small said...

You're beautiful, Fab!

7:20 AM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

Now what got you to accept this!? I'll bet it was right after Mrs Fab told you you'd be flying to Vegas.

Silly man. Didn't you know that you'll be flying as a spirit, too?

7:23 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

MMMMMMM brownies.

7:55 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

I think I need to take a trip to Florida to see this. Don't worry, I'll give you flowers after you drop dead.

8:10 AM  
Blogger kattbanjo said...

Oh yeah! wear clean undies too!

8:26 AM  
Blogger MsDemmie said...

Damn - I am half way accross the world - would love to have been there. I do hope Mrs Fab will post footage - and that a suitable memorial site will be set up.

8:32 AM  
Blogger Nobody said...

It was nice knowing you, you fat bastard!

8:55 AM  
Blogger Teri said...

well, it's been nice knowing you. maybe they can keep throwing cold water at you so you can stay cool?

9:03 AM  
Blogger Finn said...

Silly rabbit. I'll miss you.

9:05 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

If you talk to my husband, he will tell you black keeps you cooler. Most people think it is white, but it is black. I forgot the reason though.

I don't think you are going to die. You may be in pain for a long time though.

9:14 AM  
Blogger CrankyProf said...

Good Lord. You volunteered? Were you high? Smoking the libidinous lemur weed?

Godspeed, man.

9:16 AM  
Blogger Maidink said...

Okay, I want a list of your autographed photos to see which ones I want to claim. I'll also take your Ray-Ban collection so I can sell it on E-Bay (Oakleys rock!). Ummm, give me a few and I revise the list.

Are you a wussy? You'll be fine! A case of ice cold bottled water, one of those neck wraps (in black to keep with the persona) to keep you cool, and an ice bucket you can sit in during breaktime.

*thumbs through phone book*

My lawyer friend just recently divorced, so I'll pencil him in for a visit to Florida on 08/07/06 ... just in case. Hey, we can't have Mrs Fab alone can we? And 5 days is more than enough mourn time.

9:20 AM  
Blogger Suze said...

So, just how many drinks did they ply you with to make you agree to this? :)

9:27 AM  
Blogger kristi said...

Dying in August in Central Florida....that is going to be Hot, are you sure you really want to do that?????.

9:34 AM  
Blogger Rapunzel said...

It's okay sweetie. You're a man. Men do stupid things. Men do stupid things usually without thinking, and then even after they think about it they go ahead and do it anyway. I would never have agreed to that, as the mid-day sun would probably ignite my aquanet, and I'm sure my mascara would run, and I'd almost surely acquire those nasty "sweat stains" on the armpits of my silk blouse......

9:35 AM  
Blogger Anomie-Atlanta said...

May I suggest a 100 ounce CamelBak filled with a mixture of Gatorade (for electrolytes and such) and gin (to kill the pain)?

9:50 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

No Way! Nurse Wooden Shoe will nurse you back to health!

9:55 AM  
Blogger D said...

Well that wasn't so smart of you. At least you are recognizing the stupidity in the situation. Good luck!

10:00 AM  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

ohhhhhhh im wearing red to the funeral!
and might I suggest somesort of gatordrink to keep you hydrated. want to wear my panties for the show? just in case?

10:14 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

That math equation sounds like something I would try to avoid. That's just me though, mostly because I try to avoid all things math.

10:29 AM  
Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

I think the heat is already getting to you. It will be August then.

10:42 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

Why is everybody saying goodbye and saying mean things?

NOOOOOO! I don't want you to die! I need you! Please don't die. Please.

(crying uncontrollably in the corner)

11:00 AM  
Blogger Serra said...

Fab, it's been great knowin' ya.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

Crack.

You were on Crack when you agreed to do this.

How far away is Cross City from Hell?

This might be worth the trip for me.

11:10 AM  
Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

Can I please have the bloody sock you had framed?? PLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSEEE????

11:22 AM  
Blogger MC said...

Well, your obituary will say the first Homer Simpson Transmundanity award winner, so there is always that.

11:38 AM  
Anonymous K said...

I plan on being a prime minister when I get older.

11:44 AM  
Anonymous Kyle Korleski said...

^ My comment.

11:46 AM  
Blogger Tense Teacher said...

"Ya see, me and the Lord have an understanding," you're not going to die, but you probably will want to.

11:49 AM  
Blogger michele said...

I prefer my brownies dead people
free thank you very much.You
had a great life, rest in peace
and remember you did it your way.

11:49 AM  
Blogger Miss Britt said...

I will gladly offer her mine... (and cheap too!) :-)

12:14 PM  
Anonymous 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) said...

LOL!
You're going to need some narcotics for this! ;-) Some vicoden or percocet, something to make you unaware of the heat and sun, so when the heat stroke hits, at least you won't be in pain, and your performance will be unaffected. Then they can add, "What a HAPPY Putz!" to the head stone.

Make sure Mrs. Fab takes photos, so we can see it as it progresses. ;-)

3T

12:43 PM  
Blogger Jod{i} said...

Lol @ every comment...THey said it all and then some...
brownies are yum!

lol
ANywhere in particular to send flowers or in lieu of flowers donations??

hydrate!

12:59 PM  
Blogger Webmiztris said...

dude, you are CRAZY. I hope you're at least getting paid for this!

1:01 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

I will miss you.When do I get my brownie? ;)

1:08 PM  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

ok so are these diabetic freindly brownies.

I mean if you are in them and you are diabetic and we ignore the fact that you are already dead, will it put you into a sugar shock? And if we taste like chicken, who wants chicken flavored brownies? Im giving mine to my cats!
(people do not smell like chicken when burning by the way)

1:20 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

LMAO! I bet you wish you would have skipped that whole convo at the resturant the other night, huh?

HAHAHA...Can I have your toaster? Mine is on the fritz =P

2:09 PM  
Anonymous Kyle Korleski said...

The last time I made brownies for someone, they were filled with exlax.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

I've done Jake for Halloween, and can't even BEGIN to imagine attempting it in the summer!

3:46 PM  
Blogger Ms. M said...

I think around two-ish I might find a puddle with some black clothes and a microphone laying on top of it. I will lay my flowers here in homage to the late, great Mr. Fab! Write into your will that I get your blog template will ya?? Hehehehe...

3:55 PM  
Blogger ablondeblogger said...

All you need to do is have your harem come with you. We can pour water on you, fan you down and feed you grapes.

4:13 PM  
Blogger Dixie said...

I'd pay an awful lot to see you die in such a glorious way. At least you're sacrificing yourself for a good cause!

4:53 PM  
Blogger speckledpup said...

dang....wish I could be there for the reprise.

too bad you're not doing Jagger...you'd look slammin' in tight purple pants.

Lets see you could do early Prince and wear a fur loincloth, that would be cooler.

Kisse dear bro....

5:07 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Can I have your blog

you get good traffic

thanks

5:36 PM  
Blogger Dick Small said...

Man Jen, that's cold...

6:24 PM  
Blogger Tenacious T said...

Hum - with that combination, you may be cremated right on the spot, saving Mrs. Fab the expense! She could use that extra money on the trip to Vegas.

Is that pic really you, because DAMN you make a convincing Jake Blues!

6:57 PM  
Blogger Pamela J Weatherill said...

PLEASE ask Mrs Fab to donate my cookie ... I honestly just couldn't bear to think of eating ya!

1:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice idea with this site its better than most of the rubbish I come across.
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1:59 PM  

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