My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

So, last night at a Chinese restaurant...

I tried to get a rise of out Mrs. Fab, a spit take, a smirk, a chuckle, anything...

Me: That old lady just left $1.50 tip on her bill
Mrs. Fab: Really? Well, maybe she's on a fixed income.
Me: Then she should stay home and eat cat food like the rest of the old people.

Nothing.

Me: We should totally go and get tattoos tonight.
Mrs. Fab: You don't want to do that. You wouldn't be able to donate blood for a year.
Me: I'll just lie. Like I do when they ask about having sex with men.

Nothing.

Me: Of course, that depends on your definition of "sex". I mostly just like to suck cock.

Nothing.

Me: You're a dirty, dirty whore!

Nothing.

Me: I have water damage in my pants.

Maybe the slightest hint of a smile.

Me: Man, I'm losing my touch.
Mrs. Fab: Twenty-two years babe. I'm used to just about anything.
Me: Heavy sigh...

Note: For those of you looking for the inside scoop on Attila's awesome system of paying a pittance for groceries, her part two can be found here. You will be amazed!

54 Comments:

Blogger Shelli said...

She knows you too well. Either that or you are getting so old that you have said those same things to her before and you just don't remember it.

11:38 PM  
Blogger Shelli said...

YES! I was FIRST!

11:39 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

Eat cat food at home like the rest of the old people IN BED.

You know, because everytime you read the Chinese fortune...

Ahh, forget it.:)

11:39 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

That's why she's Mrs. Fab, she's got your number and isn't afraid to use it!

12:00 AM  
Blogger snackiepoo said...

Too funny....unfortunately that converstation would have turned into my husband and I trying to "best" each other...especially with the cock suckage thing; I may have told the waitress, "so my husband just told me he has sucked cock....damn."

12:16 AM  
Blogger Karl said...

Hilarious. I have a crush on your wife. Is that wrong?

12:18 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

I can already predict almost all of my husband's jokes, and we've only been married 5 years. I bet she knows what's going to come out of your mouth before you do!

12:48 AM  
Anonymous Eric T. said...

The water damage in my pants would have gotten me.

By the way, if you haven't, go see Clerks II

1:45 AM  
Blogger Anonymous Erotica Writer said...

You need to learn some new moves there Mr Fab!

1:51 AM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

Maybe you just had a bad day there, Mr. Fab. Although I do seem to recall reading the tattoo line before, so maybe you are repeating yourself.

Or am I starting to get a feel for what you're going to say, too??? Now THAT is scary! ;)

2:42 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

I guess that means I would be too easy. I would have wet my pants all the way...

Mrs Fab is awesome to be able to keep a straight face... Or do you continue to tell her the VERY SAME jokes all the time...?

4:18 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

You two, you're just so fabulous together.
These are my favourite posts, always ;)

4:41 AM  
Blogger Noi Rocker said...

Lol! I salute Mrs Fab for being cool!

I cant imagine 22 years of your nonsense..but then again thats what made you so lovable right?

;)

6:21 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Shelli--I think she just knows me too well LOL

Janet--Ooh, that reminds me. I saved my fortune, I need to go find it. I was going to blog about it...

Teri--So true. She is very wise. Thanks for stopping by!

Snackipoo--LMAO. Remind me never to have dinner with you guys! Thanks for popping in!

Karl--Not at all. I can be convinced to rent her out at a very reasonable rate.

Erin--Either that or I am just losing my touch...

Eric--Going to see it today, my man!

Anon Erotica Writer--I know, I need to write some new material! Thanks for stopping!

CS--It is probably the latter, because we are both so glamorous!

Dutchy--Okay, now I have to go over there and have dinner with you. I want to make you wet your pants. A challenge has been issued!

Lorraine--This one was just for you! :)

Noi Rocker--Is that what makes me so lovable? I thought it was my collection of severed heads...

7:24 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

Wow I didnt know ya'll had been together for 22 years! How wonderful! She really does have your number.

So you lived in Laurens huh? So close to me, yet so far LOL

7:42 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

If it makes you feel any better, I laughed out loud here in Minnesota...
You are a hoot.:)

8:38 AM  
Blogger Suze said...

Mrs Fab is uber cool! I would love to meet her one day. :)

9:16 AM  
Blogger Maritza said...

Mrs. Fab is a saint.

9:22 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Mel--We will look you up next time we get back there. Oh that's right, we're NEVER going back. Ugh!

Sandi--That does make me feel better. Thanks!

Suze--Well, when you visit Disneyworld (everyone does) we will totally get together.

Maritza--No argument from me! LOL

9:25 AM  
Blogger Leave It To Cleavage said...

I think it's very funny that you were trying to get her to laugh. I was thinking though that she must be used to you by now.

9:41 AM  
Blogger Leave It To Cleavage said...

I think it's very funny that you were trying to get her to laugh. I was thinking though that she must be used to you by now.

9:41 AM  
Blogger Geek said...

Man I understand, this sounds very familir.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Tense Teacher said...

Don't let Geek fool you, he can still get me to smirk at his comments, at the very least. But maybe by the time we make it to 22 years, I'll be just as jaded as Mrs. Fab.

"Water damage" would've gotten me to laugh out loud.

10:19 AM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

Yeeesh! We are fabulous and glamourous. BTW, my Dale thanked you for the kind words to an old man/cat. I think he thinks you're hot (he's looking at my screen as I type).

Did you know that cat tail can be as fluffy as Lemurs? No?? Uhm. Let's not go there...

10:29 AM  
Anonymous Kyle Korleski said...

I wonder if Old People really do eat cat/dog food. ^_^

10:29 AM  
Anonymous Kyle Korleski said...

$1.50 tip. Harsh.

10:30 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

Yeah Yeah Yeah... I'll be sure to be in the harbour in about 3 months time when your cruiseship arrives...

10:49 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

Lmfaooo!!! You are nuts!! I love it =)

10:50 AM  
Blogger Attila The Mom said...

You and Mrs. Fab sound like a match made in heaven! Congrats on getting her to put up with you for 22 years! ;-)

11:04 AM  
Anonymous ficklechick said...

It's sad to say, but you sound just like my husband. I feel for Mrs. Fab. ;)

12:07 PM  
Anonymous Heather said...

"Man, I'm losing my touch." That's something my husband says, often.

You and my husand would get along well!

12:22 PM  
Blogger Rapunzel said...

I once worked as a waitress in a chinese restaurant, but unfortunately 10 minutes into the job I chipped a nail. It was a very traumatic experience. I haven't been back since. I still have nightmares about it.

12:33 PM  
Blogger michele said...

You are a hand full fab,you
like shock value,but it seems
that Mrs.Fab is now shock proof.

12:51 PM  
Anonymous Kyle Korleski said...

I wonder if my sense of humour would ever dull down.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Leave--Yep. it looks like I'm going to have to up the ante...

Geek--She's just too smart for you, man.

Tense Teacher--Thanks! I feel it was some of my best work!

CS--And what body part(s) do you rub that fluffly tail against? Glamorous ones? :)

Kyle--If not, they should, don't you think?

Dutchy--Hey, for you my dear? I'll get on a plane!

Shannon--LOL thanks! :)

Attila--I know, right? There must be something wrong with her!

Heather and Ficklechick--I gotta say, your husbands sound like really cool guys :)

SkinnyBitch--You poor thing! How traumatic!

Michele--Oh, I'll get her..,

Kyle--You mean it hasn't already? :)

2:14 PM  
Blogger Rapunzel said...

Thank you. I'm coping as best as I can. It's just the flashbacks are really the worst part.

3:19 PM  
Blogger Geek said...

Your probably right. Thats ok though she didnt marry me for my smarts.

4:34 PM  
Blogger MsDemmie said...

AWESOME - there is no answer to that !

5:04 PM  
Blogger Mindless Dribbler said...

Dude...you haven't tried the old scratching the crotchal regions and muttering something about a "damn Samantha said she was clean" trick yet have you?

5:29 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Rapunzel--Man, you sure are busy developing alternative personas LOL

Geek--I know that. I always assumed that you blackmailed her into marrying you...

MsDemmie--LOL Right on!

MD'er--Oh man...brilliant. Hee hee.

6:00 PM  
Blogger Pickalish said...

I'm adding you to my blogroll. Just thought you'd like to know. Basically, I'm just doing it for the cookies. There are cookies, right? You said something about cookies.

6:19 PM  
Blogger shirley said...

Hee! Oh, she's good. I couldn't stop laughing, especially at the sex with men/suck cock part!

6:42 PM  
Blogger shirley said...

Blogmad hit - ding! (I'm Chinese so I just call it "Restaurant") wink!

6:47 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Pickalish--For you, my friend, our finest chocolate chip!

Shirley--Cocksucking makes me giggle too!

7:56 PM  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

wow you've been married a long time. Maybe she just upped her meds?

8:11 PM  
Blogger Cat said...

Wow...she's got you down. I think you need a refresher course to get your touch back.

Doesn't that involve a massage parlor and lovely women?

8:14 PM  
Blogger Tigger said...

Thanks for the comment and I will keep that in mind..... Maybe soon though getting tired of his shit.... Tawnya

8:34 PM  
Blogger Geek said...

No.. I'm not a black male, Nor did I use a black male in winning my Tense's heart.

9:52 PM  
Blogger gunngirl said...

Nothing? Not even from "Dirty, Dirty whore?" That would have cracked me up.

Mrs. Fab rocks. You need some new material, she's heard all those before. When you get her let us know.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Bluepaintred--More likely, she upped MINE!

Cat--Hmm...I like the way you think...

Geek--Oh. Carry on then.

Tigger--You let me know. I can do it.

GunnGirl--I know, right? Dirty dirty whore is usually foolproof!

10:18 PM  
Blogger Ellie said...

22 Years? Did you say 22 years?

*grapples with impressed bewilderment best encapsulated in three little letters: wow*

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Kyle Korleski said...

Mr. Fab, that's a lot of talk coming from someone twice my age (I assume).

2:11 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

You have been married so long, she is probably psychically attuned to you. Except in Target.

12:00 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

Oh, excuse me, Walmart.

12:01 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.