My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Friday, August 04, 2006

The male tanner's quandary...

Okay. Take a deep breath people. This one is about my penis.

There will be no pictures.

This year I have become addicted to tanning. Yes, I go to a tanning salon. Yes, I live in Florida. Yes, I realize many of you think that makes me weird. Well trust me, if it wasn't that fact that made you think I was weird there are a myriad of other facts you could choose from.

Now how many posts about a penis are going to contain the word "myriad"? How well read am I?

When I first started tanning I was as white as a ghost. I was so without color I was practically translucent. So I had to start slowly. Six minutes. Eight minutes. You get the idea. And when I started I kept my underwear on. I did not want the nethers to get crispy, you know? Nothing worse than crispy nethers.

And I was glad I did. Because those first few weeks were a little uncomfortable as I laid the base down. Lots of aloe was employed, if you get my drift.

So it has been several months now and I have quite a nice tan, thank you very much. Of course, when I am naked, it looks like I am wearing a pair of very white shorts. My nethers and ass practically glow in the dark. If we put a blacklight in the bedroom we could make some pretty freaky movies. Blow your mind, homes.

So now I am thinking that maybe it is time to go the extra mile and go for the all-over tan. This leads to many questions. Obviously I can't sit there naked for the whole twenty minutes. When it was over, you would be able to fry an egg on my balls. But how many minutes to start? Five? Six? And should I do it at the beginning or the end? If I do it at the beginning, the lamps will be a little cooler, but then I have to get out, put the underwear on, and get back in. If I do it at the end, I can just take off the underwear while I am in the bed, but the lamps will be hotter.

See what I mean?

I was hoping the manager would be there when I stopped in yesterday, because she is probably about my age and a retired cop, and has seen it all, so I was hoping to ask her advice. But she was not there. And I was not about to ask the giggly 19 year old blonde who was manning the desk anything about my Dingus Deluxe. So I had to wing it.

I decided to do it at the end. Of course that meant I had to keep checking the timer to see how many minutes were left, but that was a minor inconvenience. Then, with about six minutes to go I took the plunge and whipped off the briefs.

And then the neuroticism kicked in. Big time. Overdrive.

I worried about my Dangling Participle. What if there was floppage to one side? Do I need to be cognizant of that? If there is, do I need to turn it the other way halfway through, like when you cook a hotdog?

Sometimes it retracts to a certain degree like a frightened turtle. What if that happens for a number of sessions in a row? Then if I get an erection will my Fetus Feeler have rings on it? You know: brown/white/brown/white/brown/white/with a brown head? What the hell kind of look is that?

Is the answer to make sure my Hammer of Thor is erect during the session? That way I would ensure an all over tan. However, that leads to other complications. Like walking out of the room and into the reception area with a big old boner. That would sure give the coed something to giggle about.

I don't want to "take care of business" while I am lying there. The poor girls have enough to clean out of those things with all the lotion and sweat. I don't think they want to be scooping cum out of the bed.

Plus what if I have the top of the bed low enough that the tip of my Man Cannon touches it while standing at attention? I think that would be my least favorite place on my body to get burnt.

I have heard that some men put a sock on it when they tan. That to me makes no sense. Then when you are naked it would look like you were wearing a white condom all the time. To me, that image is very disturbing. Plus the sock would dangle over your biscuits, am I right? That is not a good look.

It should be an easy thing to do, shouldn't it? Yet this is the kind of minutia I get bogged down in all the time.

It's a wonder I even leave the house some days.

87 Comments:

Blogger Shelli said...

Can't you rig something to stretch it out and hold it up but allow it to tan? You know, these are not images that a sister wants or needs to have in her head about her brother. I have to go scrub my minds eye with a toothbrush.

11:09 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Shelli--Well sis, at least you will finally get some use out of your toothbrush :)

11:15 PM  
Anonymous Grins said...

I'm am tearing up from laughter. I could just suggest you not tan at all but that won't work for you. Hmm, I'll have to get back to you on this one if a man doesn't come along and give you the answer to this age old 1980s question.

11:41 PM  
Blogger Noi Rocker said...

Hmm..I think you think too much about this. Maybe you should think more about how to save the world? Let me rephrase that. Maybe you should think more about how to conquer the world?

I will be in your army;)

11:42 PM  
Blogger Dramedy Girl said...

HAHAHAHA. A white condom. Man, I sure hope you don't get crispy down there because from what I'm reading that area has never seen the light of day, erhm, the sun. I'd do like 2 minutes at a time. LOL

12:02 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

It will be really hard to get an Ace in the Hole with a crispy bacon bazooker.

Isn't there a way you could adjust your crotch cobra so you don't have to worry about a cylindrical mark on your leg from the tanning. I mean, there is a middle ground, isn't there?

12:13 AM  
Blogger Spider Walk said...

No offense, but I am eating nachos.
I couldn't get past the third sentence.

12:50 AM  
Anonymous Schadenfreude said...

As I read that, I just couldn't get Ball Park Franks commercials out of my head.

1:13 AM  
Anonymous Eric T. said...

Well, if you and Mrs. Fab are the only ones who are going to see it (the lemurs don't count), who cares? I know, I know, you care. OK, my suggestion is either ease yourself into it so you have the "full" tan or try getting a 'cup' like baseball players wear and put that over it. It will only cover up the important area and leave the rest free to fry.

1:52 AM  
Blogger Karl said...

You know tanning is BAD for you, right? Your guggenheimer is probably gonna shrivel up and fall off, dude. Stop now.

1:53 AM  
Blogger Kentucky Girl said...

Good fucking GAWD. I can't believe I read thise whole post. LOL! And such colorful names for your penis and all....I'm quite impressed. I have no advice for you. Good luck not burning your love pump and stuff....bleh

2:00 AM  
Blogger RC said...

that's hillarious...and good use of adjectives and descriptive wording...

my favorite was the mention of "crispy nethers" it sounds like a horrible imported whole grain cereal that's way to high in fiber.

Buy Crispy Nethers now, in original or honey oat.

--RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com

2:43 AM  
Anonymous kristinaQ said...

That was hilarious. I'm so glad that's not a problem for women. It's so easy and problem-free for us to go in the tanning bed nude!

3:01 AM  
Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

I would say that there are a lot of things to worry about in this crazy world we live in, saving your Dingus Deluxe from being scorched isn't one of 'em. No offense or anything, lol.

And that was all a little TMI, hon, lol.

5:46 AM  
Blogger Libragirl said...

Ok, two minutes to start, in the middle, the lights aren't to hot and just pull your shorts down, two minutes won't damage the rest of the tan on your legs and you don't have to get up and down (no pun intended) to get your "Dingus Deluxe) (best phrase ever) tan.

And I can guarantee the people who work there, have cleaned up happy endings before.

Also, I just spent way to much time thinking about your nethers. I need to go wash my brain

6:00 AM  
Blogger Ellie said...

self tanning lotion?

6:23 AM  
Blogger Maritza said...

Does the penis tan? I mean, I've never seen a truly white one. I've seen various shades of pinky purples and browns but never white like someone's butt. I don't think it's wise to tan the boys.

6:29 AM  
Blogger Leave It To Cleavage said...

LMAO. How many different words can you use in one post to describe your schlong?? That was too funny. Mrs. Fab is very smart and observant, ask her for advice, and then post what she says. BTW, who are you showing your wang to that you're so concerned that you may have an uneven tan on it?

6:39 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Grins--I NEED to tan. I am paid up through October :) Thanks for coming by!

Noi--Hmmm..taking over the world...You just totally gave me an idea...

Dramady Girl--Hey..the sun! Maybe I could just frolic in the backyard on sunny afternoons!

Lynda--Nice euphemisms! Mark on my leg? Umm...I think you are giving me too much credit there, my friend. I'm Irish. We're not known for the size of our meat puppets.

Spidey--Eating Nachos? That's a naughty euphemism, isn't it? :)

Eric--Well, when you move back to Gainesville, YOU'RE gonna see it, right?

Karl--Eh. I don't use it all that much.

Kentucky Girl--Just knowing you care, is help enough :)

RC--Hey, thanks for stopping by. A cereal eh? And just what would be the prize inside? :)

KristinaQ--Thanks for popping in! I know, women have it totally made!

Blair--TMI, eh? But you read the whole thing, didn't you? Admit it, you are intrigued :)

LibraGirl--That's a pretty goood idea. Oh, sorry about your brain.

Ellie--Then the tans wouldn't match, I think...

M--Pinky purples? Where were they, in a vise? What the heck are you into?

Leave--I like to the UF campus and expose myself to coeds. It relaxes me.

7:19 AM  
Blogger Blueyes said...

LMAO...I can't believe I sat there and read that. Do an every other day 6 minutes total until your nethers are tanned.

7:30 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

Wow! I'm amazed you put that much thought into it....just...WOW!

Only you Fab...that's why I love ya!

7:39 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

Well, I guess you would cook your dribbling dragon like a hot dog then. Unles there is still that middle ground. You may be Irish, but you did say your jiggling bone flopped to the side. I guess you aren't so Irish you don't have the flop problem.

I feel I know way to much more than I need to about you now.

7:55 AM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

Give it up - the tanning. It's causes cancer. Seriously. Cover up your wang. Last thing you want is skin cancer on your cack. Sheeesh.

8:06 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

IMHO, I think that the tan line thing (a white ass sandwiched between tan legs and a tan tummy)
is totally hot!

I would leave the ol' undies on if it was me...just saying...

8:13 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

BLue Eyes--Good advice. I'll keep you posted :)

Pud--Welcome to my fevered brain :)

Lynda--well...I may have exaggerated the floppage effect for comedic purposes...Dribbling Dragon, nice!

MCMonk--Well, technically, the last thing I would want would to be brutally ass raped every day for ten years in a Turkish prison, but you make a good point!

Sandi--Really? Hmm...that's something to consider, then...

8:17 AM  
Blogger karaoke queen said...

Use a little sunscreen on it. When 'a friend of mine' and their significant other went to the naked beach in Vancouver they would apply sunsceen to their more sensitive bits. You can use about SPF 10-15 and blend it a little with the area around it so it doesn't have a shockingly different colour and you won't crispy your bits! He he.

8:23 AM  
Blogger Battlerocker said...

So I come here intending to comment and its all about cock. Kinda making this difficult aren't you. Just kidding. Great blog and funny post. I've been a lurker through your recent lay-off. Shitty stuff, but I have the utmost confidence in your success.

8:27 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

I have absolutely no input on this, oddly.

8:27 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

Hotdamn! I have been going to the tanning salon for years, I ALWAYS go for the all over tan and I am SO happy I don't have to worry about floppage to one side of Dangling Participles and all... Phew! Glad I'm a girl...

And Fab: please NEVER again use the words blacklight, bedroom and freaky movies in one sentence again... It makes me think of my amateur photographer across the street neighbour!

8:33 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

KQueen--Now how did I know that you would have the solution? :)

Mike--That is odd. Maybe one will come to you...

Battlerocker--Thank you for the kind words my friend. Yes, as for commenting, this post had a relatively high degree of difficulty!

Dutchy--Wow...when I come over there, do you think he would let me star in one of his films? Of course, when we got to a good part, he would have to call for a stunt cock. That might be humiliating...

8:43 AM  
Anonymous ANO said...

I know a guy who tanned for his sisters wedding last year. He went 100% nakid but he used a stand up bed as well. I'd think that would be a little easier on the sensitive parts though he did tell me the tip got burnt a little. Didn't seem to interfer with much though ;)

8:57 AM  
Blogger Trish said...

Sounds like someone needs to invent a cock-stand. Kind of .. a kickstand for the slap-monkey. Something u-shaped on a stick with a base so it can stand on it's own. You hang your bits n' bobs over it, and let 'em sizzle.

Good luck with it! :)
Erm.. you do know that tanning causes wrinkles, right? Is that somewhere you think you REALLY need more??? ;P

9:01 AM  
Blogger Blogarita said...

I'm with Sandi. I think the tan lines are sexy.

But then again, the brown/white/brown/white/brown/white/with a brown head thing would look just like a lemur's tail.

That would be hawt!

9:03 AM  
Blogger CrankyProf said...

I think you ought to wrap tape around it, to get the "candy cane" effect.

I'd be leery of getting the temp too high for your all-beef thermometer, though. A subnburned everlasting gob-dropper would be uncomfy, and how would you wear britches?

I don't see what the problem is with glowing white nethers. You'd save on nightlights. It'd be easier for Mrs. Fab to find the meat speculum in the dark, too.

9:11 AM  
Blogger CrankyProf said...

(Oh, and if you overcook the area, it will make your balls look even MORE like turkey skin. So...)

9:12 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

ANO--I am not going to ask how you KNOW it didn't interfere with much...

Trish--A slap monkey kickstand, brilliant! I can almost picture the infomercial now...

Blogarita--A lemur's tale...that would be erotically provocative, wouldn't it?

CP--Oh my God, I totally lost it over "meat speculum"! Hey, how dare you presume to know what my balls look like! I will have you know I put Perperation H on them every night to smooth them out...

9:25 AM  
Anonymous Gina said...

Came through on BlogMad, read the whole post and you gave me quite the chuckle this morning :)

9:34 AM  
Blogger Finn said...

I'm with M. I've never seen a "white" penis. They pretty much have color all on their own. And the twins, too. I say cover 'em up for safety's sake.

Your ass, well, that's a whole other thing. I love an all-over tan.

10:01 AM  
Blogger kristi said...

You have really put a lot of thought into this...you could always start wearing a Bikini underwear to the Tanning Bed and slowly work down to a G- string deal then at least your ass would have color. If your "solider" ends up having stripes while standing at attention I am sure that Mrs. Fab really wont mind. She'll think it is kind of neat I am sure

You could always start laying in your back yard naked in the sun. That way you have free range of your body part

10:09 AM  
Anonymous ficklechick said...

Tough it out and wear a thong like the rest of us! That way you don't have to risk burning the important stuff but your ass can still get tan.

Btw, ew. ;)

10:10 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Gina--Thanks for stopping! Glad I could make you chuckle!

Megan--So brown in the back, white in the front? Weirdo.

Kristi--A free range tan. Beautiful!

Ficklechick--If by "Eww" you mean "I am wildly excited by this post" I can sympathize, dear, but I am married :)

10:29 AM  
Blogger Janet said...

I don't know. I'm no dude, but I know that dudes tend to say that the worst kind of pain is the pain they get down there.

So I guess what I'm saying is proceed with caution.

11:05 AM  
Blogger michele said...

You better leave Mr. Johnson
alone before you end up
ball-less.It's not wise to
fool around with mother nature.

11:20 AM  
Blogger The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

I really have no advice. This is too much!! I really enjoyed the whole "crispy nethers" comments!

11:21 AM  
Blogger speckledpup said...

tan it baby.
can't you think semi-erotic thoughts therefore getting a "semi"?

I know I can.
Oh and don't worry about the burn..
just becareful.

Someday I'll tell you my two funniest tanning bed stories...one involves my mother...the other...is all me.

later....semi, semi, semi.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Janet--Should I wrap some of that yellow caution tape around it?

Michele--Mother Nature? Is there a chance it will get sturck by lightning?

FlipFlopMama--Glad you liked it LOL

Pup--Oh my, now I HAVE to hear those stories...

12:00 PM  
Blogger Ms. M said...

The BF tans in the buff too, but he goes to the vertical beds you stand in. The weird thing is that he's freckled everywhere but his schlong. It actually tans while the rest of him....well, eventually the freckles all connect somewhat and he looks, like he's kind of got a tan. He's sure proud of his tan tent pole though.

1:30 PM  
Blogger zhadi said...

I love to tan sans clothes...and after reading this post (and marveling at how many euphemisms you came up with for your Manly Staff) I'm yet once again really grateful that I'm female and have natural protective covering for my nethers. Venus vase? Er...never mind.

1:34 PM  
Blogger Jod{i} said...

:wiping the tears: OMFG this was rich...
turn it over like a hot dog..
SPF40 and go commando...

1:50 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

I agree with everyone who said just cover it up when tanning and leave everything else naked. just had to put my two cents in though! : )

2:46 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

Now you have me wondering...though I dare not ask, because you will probably answer. And it is bad enough I am already thinking of your flapdoodle.

And I have a strange craving for grilled Johnsonville Italian Sausage. I might have to pick up a back and fire up the barbie tonight.

2:48 PM  
Blogger CP said...

Two words.

SKIN.

CANCER.

As a dermatology nurse, I cannot, not, not, not stress to you enough how BAD tanning booths are for your skin. Worse than the actual sun itself. And, I would love to fax you/email you a few photos of the skin cancers I have removed from mens penises.

Yes. Big HUNKS of the purple headed yogurt slinger, laying up on my operating room table.

So go ahead! Keep tanning!

I'll be seeing you REAL soon.

;)

*sharpening my scalpel*


SELF TANNER. You can jerk off with it and get color at the same time!

Bonus!

CP.

3:07 PM  
Blogger ablondeblogger said...

Oh my gosh!! The hot-dog roasting comment had me ROFLMAO!!!!

What if you put a sock on it, and then used tanning cream on Thor?

And thanks for the very sweet commment you left me. Of course we're still BFF!! You can't get rid of me that easily. :)

3:24 PM  
Blogger Scarlett said...

STOP! DO NOT TAN YOUR PENIS! IT'S NOT NECCESSARY AND IT WILL CAUSE IT TO GET ALL ICKY AND GROSS - I MEAN IT. JUST STOP NOW.

You really shouldn't be tanning at all, don't you care about wrinkles?

3:47 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Ms M--The vertical beds seem like a lot of work though. You have to stand up the whole time. How lazy am I?

Zhadi--As for Venus Vase, that was an admirable effort!

Teri--LOL Thanks! :)

Jod{i}--Glad I could amuse :)

Lynda--Ask away? What are you wondering? LOL

ABB--Glad you liked it, and glad that we will be BFF. You remain one of my favorites!

CP--Gee. Cutting of chunks of my Fabulousness? That doesn't seem so funny...

3:53 PM  
Blogger shirley said...

Oh my GOD! You need to make all of those weird tan-line scenarios happen & make a kinky set of porno tapes. You'll start a new kink! The new kink will be named after you! Your legacy is ensured.

4:29 PM  
Blogger shirley said...

And a blogmad hit - ding! Glow in the dark ding-a-ling!!

4:37 PM  
Blogger Omni said...

I suppose that contemplating having skin cancer where you'd least want chunks of flesh cut out of you won't dissuade you from this idea?

4:46 PM  
Blogger kari said...

Put your sock on it. The Cock Sock!

4:47 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

When I tan (which isin't often, because I fear looking like a piece of shoe leather not to mention the whole cancer thing) lol..Anyway, I tan with just my thong on but I go to Hollywood Tans...you only stay in for 8 minutes there anyway.

If I were you, I would work it in slowly..maybe wear a thong? lol

5:22 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Kari--The Cock Sock! New from Hanes!

Omni--Actually, it HAS given me pause. Thanks for stopping by!

Shirley--I will send you a complimentary copy of the tape, and you can review it on your blog!

5:22 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Shannon--A thong? On me? (shudder)

5:23 PM  
Blogger Violet said...

i'm a chick, but i worry about the same thing you do, only with different parts of my body. i keep my panties on (and actually put a towel under my ass if i'm wearing a thong) and put a towel over my boobs for at least a portion of my tanning time.

i found out when i was in high school tanning that the nipple area is very sensitive and prone to getting crackly, like dry skin, with too much tanning exposure. that is definitely not sexy.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Geek said...

Feetus Feeler, Dingus Delux.... ha ha ha ha aaaa. Had to catch by breath after this one.

7:03 PM  
Blogger kattbanjo said...

hahhaah! crisp yourself like a piece of fried chicken!

7:23 PM  
Blogger Belinda said...

I disapprove of "tanning" so much that I can't even comment on the penis-tanning logistics. It's bad for you, plain and simple. I'd say the same thing if you were smoking. Knock it off. I'd like to have my daily dose of Fab, unencumbered by skin cancer, or a long time to come, thanks.

7:46 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Violet--Hmm..crackly nipples...yeah, that is NO good!

Geek--I hope I have not caused any breathing problems for you...

Katt--Crispy Mooooooood Nipples!

Belinda--I promise to be careful! Honest.

8:09 PM  
Blogger cherish said...

Okay I have absolutely nothing to write about this because I am laughing to damn hard.

YOU are so FUNNY! I look forward to the follow up entry with pics after your tan. GRINZ

8:54 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

I stand by my decision not to ask about your pne-eyed custard chucker.

9:56 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

That should be one-eyed custard chucker. My cat is helping me type right now.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Tense Teacher said...

Thanks to you, I will never, ever be able to teach the grammar chapter on Dangling Participles again. I hope you're happy that you've deprived Mississippi children a complete education!

10:00 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Lynda--Not bad for a kitty!

Cherish--LOL You WOULD like pictures, wouldn't you? :)

Tense--How could you type that last sentence with a straight face? LOL

10:12 PM  
Blogger Sudiegirl said...

I think you should blame Tony Danza...after all, his one-eyed wonder worm is probably tan.

I'm just sayin'.

10:15 PM  
Blogger michele said...

Do not toast the prick,it's not
a pop-tart.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

This was a very disturbing post to read. This is why I don't tan. Well, no, it's not, but this is why I will never EVER tan.

10:59 PM  
Blogger marty said...

I think they cover this problem in the "help" section of the Oscar Meyer Wiener website.

1:21 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

LOL that was great LOL

All I have to say is: Let the Mrs. decide :)

2:05 AM  
Blogger Catch said...

I once knew a man who got into a tanning bed naked a number of times and his penis fell off! So now he doesnt have to worry about whether its tan or not....of course he doesnt have to worry about sex anymore either! You listening bud?

3:43 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Michele--It's not? Cause sometimes I tell women that...

SudieGirl--I hadn't thought of that. That bastard...

Lorraine--Not a bad idea. She is wise...

Marty--I shall check that out at once!

MSnay--Never say never...

Catch--You're funnin' me!

5:36 AM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

LMAO! Brown-white-brown-white... Mwahahahaha!! Maybe OrangeX will have a suggestion for you.

5:50 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

CS--Are you saying that is not a glamorous look? :)

7:11 AM  
Blogger Suze said...

What you need is an assitant (me) to go with you and ensure your tan is even.

I could be your cock minder. ;)

11:59 AM  
Blogger goldennib said...

I think it's important you slather on lots of SPF 30. You don't want any unusual moles messing up your Momma Maker.

Oh, did you count how many euphemisms you used in this post, cause it was a humongous amount. Maybe even a record.

12:00 PM  
Blogger MysteriousLady said...

Now see this why women are better. By the time God got around to making us, he'd figured this problem out. Adam had burned his penis a few times, so he made us so we could tan, and not have to worry about such things! :)

3:26 PM  
Blogger Leon said...

Wow! Look at all the comments! People are really interested in your wang!

3:47 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Suze--Would you? How much would I have to pay you?

Goldennib--You can never have too many euphemisms!

MysteriousLady--So it's God's fault...I KNEW it!

Leon--Well, it's Wang-tastic!

6:20 PM  
Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Oh My God.

I suggest you flop to the left one day and flop to the right the next.

That way the franks'n'beans will be evenly cooked.

;-)

2:05 PM  

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