My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Monday, August 07, 2006

My dooced "to do" list...

As many of you know, on July 26, 2006 at approximately 5:00 pm I was dooced. Sacked. Canned. Fired. Terminated. Because of my blog.

Now that the grieving process has run its course, it is time for me to be practical, to think of the future. Today is the first day of the rest of my life after all, correct?

Here is my post-dooced "to do" list:

I am going to need to choose a shopping cart to put all my worldly belongings in. Metal or plastic? Metal is more durable, and can likely carry more, but it is heavier. Plastic is much lighter, but will it hold up when the going gets tough? Hmm...

I am going to need a shiv. When I am in line at the soup kitchen, sometimes the jostling for position can get pretty intense. Especially on days they have crackers. I am going to need a little protection in case something goes down.

Maybe I better get two shivs, in case I break one off in some guy's aorta. I think toothbrushes with the bottom end filed down is a popular choice. Not only are they deadly, but with the color choices available, they can also be quite festive.

You see a lot of poor people line their shoes with newspaper when they start to come apart. I think this is a mistake. Newsprint doesn't hold up well under the stress and strain of living on the street. I think glossier paper is the way to go. I need to start saving those Parade magazines that come in the Sunday paper.

I also need to start stockpiling those plastic bags that you get at the supermarket. I can make my own underpants out of those.

I need to grow a beard. Not just for practical reasons (razors and shaving cream just aren't in the budget anymore) but I think it would look cool. And I hope it's one of those long flowing beards, you know? Because then I would look wise. And my street name could be The Prophet. The key to success on the street is often a cool name, you know. The Prophet. I like that. Commands respect, right? I can picture two cops driving by in a squad car and one turns to the other and says "Look. There's The Prophet taking a leak next to those garbage cans in the alley."

That's what I have planned so far. I feel pretty good about it. The devil is in the details, you know?

I'll tell you who I feel really bad for. My renter. She's gonna be out on the street too. And she's frail and delicate. She can't be humping a shopping cart all over the place. She'll have to go back to Singapore. And you know what they do to homeless people there, don't you?

Every see Soylent Green?

Stop over and see her before she is...um...just please go see her if you haven't already.

37 Comments:

Blogger Pamela J Weatherill said...

Just apply for a job in marketing ... you'll win hands down ROTFLMAO

4:18 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

You can always come stay with me, Fab. I have plenty of room now that the bitch moved out.

4:19 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Plastic...it won't rust and you can carry Mrs. Fabulous around...
With her sweet smile, everybody will give her money. Before you know it, you'll own the business and you can fire your ex-boss and the traitor! and because you'll be a millionaire you won't really need it and you can let prophets live there for free, including the toilets. You are soooo Fabulous!

5:43 AM  
Blogger Maritza said...

I'd like a photo of the plastic bag shopping bags please.

6:18 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

Hon! No need to line wooden shoes with anything... I will be there to keep you warm...

Does all this mean we'll have to postpone the wedding?

6:58 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Pamela--Oh Strawberry Girl, that cracks...umm...wait...I'm not sure what that means...

Shelli--Um...it's a little cold up there, sis. I don't look good in a parka.

Lorraine--Oh. My. God. You are still not taking your meds! Where the hell is Henry? He assued me he had everything under control!

Maritza--Well, maybe if SOMEONE had included me in the panty meme...

Dutchy--I thought I was going to be over there...No need to postpone anything, we can live off your dowery :)

7:12 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

*LOL* Now that's the spirit! Fired, smired...you've got a homeless man career ahead of you! Professional bum is so underrated nowadays.

7:30 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Henry, alias Ben has hurt himself...he is probably under heavy drugs as well!

8:36 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

O - M - G

Now I feel so bad for leaving you in Undercity in your underwear. Because you can't even buy a new toothbrush. You have to get a used one.

My favorite line from Escape from Butcher Bay: Wanna live, get a shiv.

Go with the metal shopping carts. First sign of a hurricane, and you will be wondering where the heck that lightweight plastic cart went.

You can shave with ANY high quality shiv, by the way.

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Lucy said...

Mr. Fab, I've been following your story since it broke (I'm a long time reader/lurker here) and I think it just absolutely SUCKS! But, it is fantastic that your sense of humor is still firmly intact. That list of stuff to do was great!!! :)

9:28 AM  
Blogger karaoke queen said...

You need to get one of those snazzy plaid jackets too. The ones that remind you of the 90s and grunge. Very styling street clothes :)

9:31 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

I think bible prophet is the way to go with the beard and Playboy is also glossy paper....just saying.

Now the plastice bags as underwear....hmmmm....dunno bout that one...you'd lose half your street cred if they're the clear type.

9:36 AM  
Blogger Noi Rocker said...

Oh no, I had no idea about your situation. I am so sorry that you have idiots as bosses.

Oh well, now you can follow your life long dream of being a famous star.

Oh wait, you are already famous, hmmm...time to be a star;)

10:32 AM  
Blogger Jod{i} said...

Plastic...go with the plastic(You can always upgrade later)...Or after the teens plow into them...at which time you may shit your pants..but hey thankfully you'll have on those schnazzy undies!

10:41 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Pud--I agree! I am taking homelessness where it has never gone before...

Jod{i}--You know, as a young man I hunted many a shopping cart in my day...

Mike--No worries, bro, the plastic bags at Publix are brown :)

Noi--But will I be a star in Singapore? That's what I want to know!

KQueen--You think? Plaid jacket? Well, you are the stylish one, so I will follow your advice!

Lucy--Thank you my friend, for the kind words, and thanks for popping in to de-lurk :)

Lorraine--He has? Then all hope is lost!

Lynda--But if the shiv is high quality, how will I be able to break it off in some guy's aorta? I really have been wanting to do that...

10:48 AM  
Blogger Katherine said...

What about a shopping cart? You're gonna need one of those to carry around AYWPs.

10:51 AM  
Anonymous 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) said...

LMAO!!! I thought you were serious when I started reading! OK, if you are I'm gonna be feelin' like a real asshole!
;-)

OH, and SOYLENT GREEEEEN IS PEEEEEEPULLL!!!

I haven't seen that movie in years! Might be time to rent this one.

Hope your Monday is a good one Mr. Fab.

:-)3T

10:56 AM  
Blogger Nobody said...

To hell with all of that. I have a better idea. You can take MY job! I don't like it much. Problem solved.

10:57 AM  
Blogger Billy said...

Just so long as you have a plan my friend.

I knew I didn't need to worry about the ever resourceful Mr. Fabulous.

U can doooo eeeet!

11:13 AM  
Blogger michele said...

Here's a tip just in case you
you need toilet paper,you can
use the white pages of the
phone book.

It's not charmin,but it gets
the job done so i heard.

11:33 AM  
Blogger Karl said...

Don't forget to get lots of newspapers. They're great for sleeping on (in your refrigerator box), lining your jacket for warmth (though that's not likely to be a problem for a few weeks), and even wiping your ass. If you need any, let me know. I'll be glad to have you come pick them up.

11:35 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

And so he speaks, ever so wisely. The Prophet. What will The Prophet do when he can no longer tan his member at the salon?

11:50 AM  
Blogger Suze said...

Mr Fab, there is a spare room here if you want it it's yours. Just make sure you take a bath first. :D

1:54 PM  
Blogger Blogarita said...

I thought today was the first day of the rest of my life.

2:37 PM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

Uhm... Am I in the wrong film?? You've beaten my own glamourousness (is that a word??) How could you do that to me?!!? *sobbing* I've ALWAYS wanted to own my own shopping cart!!!

2:46 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Blogarita--No. My life. Me me me me me. Hey, how come *I* don't know how to put letters in italics or make them bold?

CS--I am sure when you do get your cart it will be made of gold and be diamond studded...

Suze--Live with you guys? In your house? With what goes on there? *boggle*

Katherine--I believe I covered that, my dear :)

3T--Good gosh, is there ever a time when you AREN'T delightful and charming?

Amber--The Prophet will pull down his pants and tan his member in the park...

Michele--Why wipe?

Karl--When it colder, I figured I'd head south a couple of hours and sleep in your garage.

Billy--Any port in a storm, Captain!

Nobody--Nah. But thanks though. I know you would miss it :)

4:07 PM  
Blogger goldennib said...

Glossy paper would be slippery, and you don't want those chemicals next to you skin. I suggest you use your shiv to cut grass to line your shoes, the way the ancients used to. And it would fit more properly with your new moniker.

5:03 PM  
Blogger BarefootCajun said...

I have been out of the blog loop for several weeks now and am just getting here to catch up. I can't believe you were dooced. Man, that just sucks. Glad to know that you are handling it well and that Mrs. Fab rocks as usual. :-)

E is job hunting again on this end.

I'm sending up prayers that you both find something very, very soon.

5:40 PM  
Blogger Tug said...

Mr. Fab, you've been tagged!

8:40 PM  
Anonymous Luin said...

"I will obey and click...I will obey and click..."
- Quote Mr. Fabulous

9:07 PM  
Blogger SwanShadow said...

See Soylent Green? Son, I remember the taste...

And you can make a wicked shiv out of a discarded Popsicle stick you harvest out of a trash can. Just rub one end on the cement until it's pointy and sharp. No serial numbers, and you can toss it anywhere. The cheap wood doesn't hold fingerprints well, either, so that's another plus.

9:19 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Goldennib--You are so wise! Will you be my mentor?

Tud--Ooh, goodie. I'll head over...

Luin--It is good you have joined us...

Swanshadow--Hold on...I am taking notes...

BFCajun--Thanks, girl. I hope it all works out for you guys too!

9:59 PM  
Blogger Tense Teacher said...

I'm so glad to see that you're still full of ambition... or are you full of something else, entirely?

10:16 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Tense--Look into you heart for the answer...

10:33 PM  
Blogger Kayla said...

Soylent Green is people....PEOPLE!!
(and there you have my Charlton Heston impersonation)

10:37 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

If it breaks, then he could go around the rest of his life with a shiv in his neck.

High quality is the way to go. But try it your way first.

11:52 PM  
Blogger Earn A LifeTime of Income From Anywhere! said...

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7:13 PM  

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