My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Potpourri? Smorgasborg? Whatever...

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. It was with a doctor I had not met before. Here's a fun fact: If you meet a doctor for the first time, and he does not understand your sense of humor, and you ask him, deadpan, what the street value is of the drugs he is writing you scripts for, he will not find it humorous.

The word "ejaculate", if you say it really quick, kind of sounds like "jacket" but trust me, you don't want to get them mixed up.

I was on Interstate 75 today and I passed a Dodge Caravan. There was a box tied to the top of the Dodge Caravan. It was not a big box, I would say it was about the size of regular size cooler. It was actually more of a crate, with wooden slats, and there was newspaper all around the inside, so you couldn't see what was inside. But here is what I found so vexing: It was a relatively small box, and there was plenty of room in the van. Why tie it to the roof? What on earth would be in the box that would cause them to do that?

I also saw a car that had its gas tank flap torn off. You know, the little door you open to get to the gas tank? Ripped off. How is that possible? I am 44 years old, I have never seen that before.

Okay, I have thought about what I want to do for my next career. So far I have narrowed it down to Lemur Wrangler or Evil Genius.

I had a close call in the tanning bed today. A couple of minutes into my session I realized that the flap in my briefs was askew, and my winky was exposed. Can you imagine if I had gone the whole twenty minutes like that? I am wincing just imagining it.

I was thinking today that if I formed a band of crimefighters a totally cool name for us would be the Cocknockers.

Mrs. Fab seems genuinely perplexed when I follow her around, asking her in a 1970's blaxploitation voice if she wants some Chocolate Lovin'.

I am still trying to get around to see everyone, but I have still been slammed and my Bloglines is not letting my know when most of y'all update. For some reason, I blame Tony Danza. I often like to curse him and blame him for all of society's ills.

Okay, to the best I can figure out, only one other person from my high school class has a MySpace account. Does that mean that they are all lame, or me and the other person are lame?

I still can't find my earpiece. I have looked everywhere.

I blame Tony Danza.

50 Comments:

Blogger Shelli said...

Um, Bloglines is sucking big time. I think it is you and the other guy are lame. But, don't quote me on that. You tan with underwear on? hmmmm... Look under the chair, I tell you, under the chair.

10:54 PM  
Blogger Shelli said...

What I mean is, I don't tan. With or without underwear. hee hee hee

10:55 PM  
Blogger kristi said...

You could take on the identity of Cocknocker and warn all of the people riding down the road with their gas door open!!!

Sounds like you are making out quite well during your work hiatus!!

11:10 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

I will join your team of Crimefighters if I can be invincible.

I think your 21st digit would be a hot tamale if you didn't close that flap. And not in a good way.

11:23 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

Oh, and I haven't seen you visit me yet, but I haven't had anything exciting happen, so no big deal. :)

11:24 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

Go with Evil Genius. Ever so much more impressive than Lemur Wrangler.

11:27 PM  
Blogger Peaches said...

You really tan with your briefs on? Nasty habit. Once you start that...you're stuck. Now you'll always have to tan with them.

Obviously, my vote is that the classmates are lame.... :)

1:15 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Shelli--Look under the chair? For my underwear? That rhymed.

Shelli--Most albinos don't tan, sis.

Kristi--I like that idea. Could I spend time writing wrongs too? And giving people hope?

Lynda--There are a lot of ways I could go with that...but none of them are good, so...LOL

Lynda--Yes, but you and I have been to the Undercity together and you left me naked and destitute. At least I had my underwear, so I could still tan :)

Erin--I tend to agree, but at least with Lemur Wrangler there would be benefits. As Evil Genius I would be an independent contractor.

Peaches--NASTY habit? I think a NASTY habit would be if I urinated in the tanning bed...

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Eric T. said...

Tony Danza? You blame the ill's of society on Tony Danza?
That's a new one on me.
As for the my space page, your old HS classmates are probably just like me, to busy or to lazy to do it.

2:58 AM  
Anonymous Eric T. said...

Actually, Tony Danza sounds like the perfect scape-goat for all our troubles. Good thinking.

2:59 AM  
Blogger The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

Ornery and horny can sound the same. So if someone says "how are you?" to my hubby...he will sometimes respond with "horney as ever!" Then they say "what?" and he says "ornery as ever." and they think they just missunderstood him the first time!

and Bloglines sucks right now!!!

3:53 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

1) Your winky can take it, I'm sure

2) Yes, Tony Danza is to blame for most anything that is going wrong

3) I still only have 2 friends on my MySpace account so that most probably makes me more lame than you

4) The earpiece: how about you seriously start looking for it?

That's all I have to say for now...

4:33 AM  
Blogger Pamela J Weatherill said...

You're definately back in the saddle aren't you ;-)

4:43 AM  
Blogger Anonymous Erotica Writer said...

So ummm - are you going to tell us why the word ejaculate needed to come up in the conversation?

4:46 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Hey Who's the Boss?
Shelli is always first and second and occasionally third (way to go little sis of Fab).
I've had a lot of problems with Blogger yesterday...some of my comments to other blogs yesterday have disappeared. Don't you hate that!

5:43 AM  
Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

Myspace sucks. I registered for an account awhile back and deleted it all within 10 minutes. And then a few weeks ago, some stranger contacted me and wanted me to add him to my buddy list. I had deleted the account but Myspace didn't delete it on their end.

I blame Tony Danza. Or David Hasselhoff. Can't decide which.

5:46 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

Tony Danza is the antichrist.

My bluetooth is haunted, it will turn itself on, but never off. Its freaking me out. I am letting the battery die, that will teach it!!

You can still afford to Tan?? LOL. THis week I can barely afford to breathe!

5:59 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Eric--Well, I know you are not busy, and you are not lazy. So what is the REAL reason? IS it because you are not an American citizen?

Flip Flop Mama--I wonder if you can be both at the same time?

Dutchy--

1. It is very delicate. Hardly ever used.

2. Glad you see the light about Danza.

3. Yes, but one of those is me.

4. Yes ma'am. I love it when you are stern with me.

Pamela--There are no horses here, if that's what you mean...

Anon eriotica Writer--It should ALWAYS come in conversation. Now, if you've a leather jacket, oddly enough, ejaculate will bring out the shine quite nicely, thank you very much.

Lorraine--My little sister is an overachiever :) Disappearing posts? Blame Tony Danza!

Mel--My tanning is paid up until the end of October. Afford to breath? Wow...you kind of need to do that...

Blair--Aw man...we're not going to be MySpace buddies?

6:19 AM  
Blogger goldennib said...

There were body parts in that crate. Can't have that in the van.

Was the car with the ripped off gas door a woman or a man?

6:27 AM  
Blogger Maritza said...

Tony Danza is the anti-Christ, if you didn't know by now.

Why are you in a tanning salon if you live in Florida?

6:30 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

I heard that Tony Danza likes cheese curds. let's invite him to the cabin with us;)

7:54 AM  
Blogger verity said...

Tony Danza *and* Bette Midler.

8:09 AM  
Blogger kattbanjo said...

if you become s superhero you need a outfit with the nipples cut out so you can be the MOOOOOOD NIPPPPPLER!

8:37 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

I told you before we could initiate you, you needed to give up your worldly possessions. That is why we met at the Undercity bank. I can't help it that you ran away in your underwear before we could begin the initiation process.

But I stand by my all sales are final policy.

9:00 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

I vote for Evil Genius. Not because I think you're evil, but just because I think it would look great on business cards.

9:43 AM  
Blogger Finn said...

I suspect that the reason you blame Tony Danza is that you're wasting entirely too much time actually watching his show.

Cocknockers, huh? I've knocked a few in my time...

9:44 AM  
Blogger Tense Teacher said...

What'd Tony Danza ever do to you? I agree with Blair Bitch: Hasselhoff would be the better scapegoat.

And go with evil genius, you can wrangle lemurs in your free time. Besides then you can get yourself a sidekick named Pinky and when he asks you what you're going to do today, you can reply with, "Same thing we always do... try to take over the world!"

9:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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10:02 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Tony Danza is a menace and
needs to be stopped

10:09 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

I can top the gastank story.

I saw a woman fill her tank, leave the hose in and start to drive away, ripped it CLEAR away from the pump...I laughed so hard I couldn't breath.

especially when she got out of the car and started to try to blame the gas attedant for not having a sign...a sign for what, "dont drive away with the hose in yoru tank jackass?

and they allow these people to DRIVE...........

10:53 AM  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

lol so is the bloglines mixup, the time issues or tony danza to blame for you not checking out my blog?


by chocolate loving do you mean .... or do you mean dipping your "winky" in chocolate.. the kind on soft ice cream, the really HOT kind that cools and hardens? cus I have always wanted to do that to hubby, but he keeps saying no.

10:57 AM  
Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

How would a person rip off the gas tank flap?? Leaving it open then hiting something really hard?? I have never done that either. It may possibly be one of life's mysteries.

10:59 AM  
Anonymous Dave said...

Perhaps whatever was in the crate was stench-ridden and they didn't want it polluting the air inside the van...

... or it might have been a monkey

12:52 PM  
Blogger Cheeky said...

Evil Genius works but if the pay isn't what you expected you can always moonlight as a lemur wrangler......

Am I dating myself by using the term "moonlight"? Cause I ain't THAT old...geesh

I can't believe the doc doesn't have a sense of humor....

1:56 PM  
Blogger Suze said...

So Mr Fab where is the tanning shop you frequent? You could have had a brown winky and a white crotch, now that would look good!

2:25 PM  
Blogger michele said...

Hey lay off tony danza,i met
him a couple of times he's cool.

He was outside his trailor
at the movie lot,drinking a
beer and smoking a cigarette.
I had a delivery we spoke,
and i didn't ask for his
autograph either.
Never have been star struck.

What's scary is when a doctor
has a warped sense of humour.

2:39 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Goldennib--A woman, of course. Body parts...it all makes sense now...

Cheeky--You are dating yourself? Well, don't worry, I am sure you will find someone...

Suze--Hmm....is that a good look, do ya think?

Beady--And I think most of them open left to right, so they would have had to be going backwards...

Dave--A monkey...perhaps...a monkey with herpes maybe. Thanks for stopping by!

Jen--Thank you for your support!

Andrea--It was you, wasn't it. Come on, Andrea...it's me. Fess up.

Blue--I promise I will stop by today. Yes, that is probably why...

Megan--I bet you have! Does he have a show?

Tense--A Pinky and the Brain fan? You get a gold star!

Amber--that is a great idea! I'm gonna want you to be my publicist!

Lynda--I was scared. Scared like a little bunny!

Katt--Maybe my nipples cold have super powers!

Sandi--And then we kill him? Can we please kill him?

Verity--Thanks for stopping in. Well, at least Bette did an episode of Seinfeld...

M--Tanning in the sun, 90 mins. Tanning in the bed, 20 mins :) Thanks for stopping by!

2:39 PM  
Blogger Katherine said...

I too think all of society's evils can be blamed on Mr. D. I mean really, how did this man ever get a talk show? The non-talking parrot on the show is more interesting. OK, I'm think there was something toxic or explosive in the box on top of the van. Maybe they thought they'd have less chance of dying if it explodes/ignites by putting it on top of the van. Clever, no?

2:57 PM  
Blogger Tense Teacher said...

"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so, Brain, but if we give peas a chance, won't the lima beans feel left out?"

3:52 PM  
Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Hey, stop picking on Tony!

I vote for evil genius. I don't know what the market is for lemur wranglers. LOL

4:30 PM  
Blogger Catch said...

I would have had to find out what was in the box on the car roof....when I tanned I always got in naked...I figured might as well tan it all. Now that I have the pool I have major tan lines...not sure I like them...but ...cant hardly swim naked in the daytime.

4:31 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Suze--If I do that, should I send you a picture?

Michele--My mind is made up. I love ya, but TD is goin' down...

Katherine--He has a talk show? I didn't even know about that!

Tense--You are turning me on :)

Attila--Are you a closet Danza fan? LOL

Catch--I am thinking about going "all over" actually...

5:59 PM  
Blogger Cheyenne said...

I'm new to your blog so I may have missed something in the past, but what do you have against Tony Danza?

6:16 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Cheyenne--Tony Danza killed my father.

7:24 PM  
Blogger michele said...

TD killed your father,you are
too damn funny.

7:40 PM  
Blogger Webmiztris said...

I haven't figured out whether the ones on myspace are the dorks or not. I'm on there, and I found some other classmates on there, but most of them were dorks, so I'm kinda feeling I too fall into the dork category. ;)

7:54 PM  
Blogger RevRee said...

Please tell me you don't fake bake!

Look at me, I have a tan all year round! teeheehee ;-)

9:20 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Michele--He'll burn for it, I swear!

Webmiztris--I would not consider you a dork AT ALL lol

RevRee--Don't hate me because I'm beautiful! :)

10:24 PM  
Blogger zhadi said...

It's very possible to have the gas tank flap ripped off. It happened to me a few weeks ago when my rear driver's side tire blew on the freeway. I had to buy a locking gas cap until I can get the damn thing fixed. 450 bucks to fix it, including replacing the plastic protector flap and fix the rear panel.

1:12 PM  
Blogger super des said...

Hold me closer, Tony Danza...
Oh wait. That's Tiny Dancer. Dammit.

10:11 PM  

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