My mind is a dangerous place. Make sure you wear a cup.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

She is an evil one, she is...

Who? Tense Teacher, that's who. She tagged me with a meme from hell. It's creative writing. I have to write a chapter in an ongoing story. What the heck is she thinking? This is a good story. I can only fuck it up, believe me. How does she know I'm not going to fill it with over sexed lemurs, Nazi frogmen, Canadian cannibals and a guy named Frank? And a puppy.

I don't think I can write normal. You think my writing style was hatched just for this blog? I can remember a creative writing assignment in my senior year in high school. We were shown a picture of a shopping cart full of wigs and we had to write a story about it. My story was about a crazed madman who was roaming the department store scalping women and tossing the tops of their heads in his cart.

Everyone knew which one was mine. I am not hooked up right.

You can read the first three chapters here. And you can read Squid's chapter four here. And you can read Tense's chapter five here.

Ah crap. Here goes nothing...

"You!" I exclaimed, as he sat there with a bemused expression on his face, "What did you do to me?"

Karen grabbed my arm and tried to pull me away. "We have to get out of here" she hissed, "Now!"

She was stronger than she looked, and she managed to drag me out the door before I could speak again. Once we were down the steps and out onto the sidewalk I whirled around to face her, confused and angry. "What is the matter with you? That's him! That's the guy with the quarter, with the..magic..with..he started all this! I have to find out what's going on!"

"I already know" Karen said, "And trust me, we have to get away from here. Don't argue, please! I'll explain when we get back to my shop."

She pulled me down the street to where her 1974 Ford Pinto sat idling at the curb. Karen always left the motor running. She claimed she had placed a spell on the car which kept it safe from vandals. I thought the truth of the matter was that no one wanted to steal it. I never shared this opinion with Karen, though.

She hustled me into the car and scooted around to the driver's side and slid in. She stomped on the gas pedal without so much as a glance in the rearview, and I braced myself for a crash as I heard a driver behind us jam on his brakes. No impact. He must have stopped in time. I glanced over at Karen as we rocketed down the street. Her lips were pursed, her jaw was clenched, and her knuckles were white on the steering wheel. For a moment, I forgot the magician in the jail cell, Mr. Ferguson, everything.

"Karen?" I touched her arm. "For God's sake, what's wrong?"

"Not now," her lower lip was now quivering. "We have to get to the store. I have to show you something. You need to believe."

"I believe, I believe! I told you that," I said plaintively, "After all that's happened, I believe."

She glanced over at me, up at the rearview, and then back to me. "Then believe me, girl, when I say that we need to get to the store or we're both dead." She glanced into the rearview mirror again.

"What? Are we being followed?" I looked back through the rear window but couldn't discern if anyone was tailing us. I looked back at her. "Dead? Karen, this doesn't make any sense. Talk to me!"

Karen jerked the wheel and the car squealed and protested as it straightened out and shot down the side street where Twinky Things was located. She hit the brakes hard and the Pinto screeched to a stop at the curb in front of the shop. She pushed me against the door, "Go, go!" she urged.

"Let me get the door open first Karen!" I pulled the latch, she pushed again, and I tumbled out onto the curb in a heap, "Karen!" I yelled, "Damn it!"

I scrambled to my feet as Karen got out on her side. I began to brush myself off as I angrily began, "Karen, what is wrong with you? What on earth..."

The black SUV struck her before I even knew it was there. The big vehicle seemed to have come out of nowhere. I watched disbelievingly as she was tossed like a ragdoll into the air and over the truck as it sped down the street, never slowing down. I watched, transfixed as Karen's body seemed to pause in midair, and then land in the street, broken, with a sound that chilled my blood.

I stood there for several moments, frozen, my heart hammering in my chest. My friend...

I took a tentative step forward toward her, then a second and a third. I knew she was dead. He neck and her limbs were at unnatural angles. A growing pool of blood spread out from her body, and...

I paused. Leaking out of her head. Was that...

Brains. Oh God...

I vomited into the street. Tears filled my eyes and I had to get down on my hands and knees. I vomited again. After a minute, when I had nothing left, I begin to pull myself up by grabbing onto the Pinto.

A pair of hands grabbed me and helped me stand.

I whirled, terrified.

It was Will.

Okay. I did my part. I am going to tag...CrankyProf. She is so erudite and stylish. I just know she is going to do a fabulous job. I can think of no one better to pick up the baton!

Now that you have basked in the mediocrity of my prose, head on over and say hi to my renter, Noi, will you please? I need to head over there too. She has had a lot more people sign her guest map than I have. I must find out her pie? Erotic massages? Three Stooges impressions?

I'll figure it out...


Blogger Shelli said...

It is really good, Fab! You did an amazing job. I don't know what you were worried about.

11:29 PM  
Blogger Tense Teacher said...

Ooooh, that was so good! A mystery. And you wrote it so quickly! It took me 2 days to get my chapter written.

You are da' bomb. I knew I tagged the right person. And, I think you made a good choice in Cranky, too.

12:01 AM  
Blogger Geek said...

I'm still looking for the lemurs...
Good job, Tense cussed for an hr before starting.

12:02 AM  
Blogger Geek said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:05 AM  
Blogger Geek said...

sry for the delete, I commented twice for some reason.

And for some reason your title got me to singing "Your a mean one Mr Grinch", except using you tital as lyrics. Tense is drunk so it is really funny.

12:08 AM  
Blogger Tense Teacher said...

DO NOT listen to the Geek. I can still run circles around him, even when I'm drunk.

HE made the drink for me.

12:11 AM  
Blogger zhadi said...

I knew that you and I were related. Back in 7th grade English when we had to write a descriptive paragraph, I started a horror story. got a reputation for grossing out the teacher.

but I'm still not into lemurs.

12:11 AM  
Blogger Geek said...

Yea, she could run circles around me, but only becouse the room was spinning.

12:24 AM  
Blogger Cheeky said...

OK you can write but how in the hell can you "whirl" and be terrified??

1:12 AM  
Anonymous shannon said...

I'm still laughing about the shopping cart full of wigs. Good stuff Mr. Fab. Give yourself more credit.

1:51 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Shelli--Thanks, sis. I always worry.

Tense--Thanks buddy. You ever do that to me again and I'll kick your ass LOL

Geek--I cussed a little myself first!

Geek and Tense--Seem like a certain couple I know have been downing a few mason jars of 'shine this evening...

Zhadi--Well, if we're related, when are you going to teach me to sword fight?

Cheeky--Heck, I whirl around terrified all the time. Watch...see? I just did it again ;)

Shannon--And yet, oddly, I was popular in high school...

3:18 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

Fabulous, simply fabulous writing...Mr. Fabulous the writer will become Mr. Fabulous, the author, it's just a matter of time.
Ps I don't think Pintos come to screeching halts...I had a bobcat (kinda like a Pinto) and it never screeched.
Geeze, you're good :)

3:33 AM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

That was amazing! I can't wait for the next chapter!

You have a guest map? Uhm... ok...

4:03 AM  
Anonymous Tricia said...

Great writing! Naturally you fufilled your needs and killed off someone before the end of the chapter. LOL

I only wish the chapter were longer. Sigh.

5:12 AM  
Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

I think your part of the story should have included the guy who fired you in various sexual positions with farm animals. But that's just my personal opinion.

6:14 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Lorraine--Thank you for your kind words, my friend. By the way, the reason your Bobcat never screeched is because you never drove it over 25 mph :)

Dutchy--Yes, and you better sign it, or I am witholding sex on our wedding night!

Trica--Thank you! Longer? Oh gee, I agonized over the amount I DID write...

Blair--That story is coming soon enough, my friend :)

6:23 AM  
Blogger Lorraine said...

well....Did too, at least 30 (km)

6:46 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Lorraine--Hey, don't get all metric-y on my blog! LOL

7:10 AM  
Blogger Dan 'N' Loretta said...

i am boycotting this post. because you omitted the crazy. lol just kidding. but crazy is more fun.

i'm going to read all 6 chapters. and yours will be the best, i'm sure.

7:50 AM  
Anonymous Kyle Korleski said...

Canadian Cannabals? Fuck you.

9:16 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Kyle--Fuck me? Kyle my boy, I'd fall asleep and you'd fall in love :)

Dan 'n' Loretta--Thanks for the compliment, but I am sure that will not be the case!

9:39 AM  
Blogger Maritza said...

That is good! As for tagging, you were the first person I thought of for the panty meme/tag thing. I should have tagged you. Dang.

9:55 AM  
Blogger Finn said...

You can think of no one better? I'm hurt, truly hurt.

*runs to the corner to cry*

Btw, you did good.

10:55 AM  
Blogger Janet said...

Wow. First college applications become more grandiose and now memes?! Are we going to need 3 letters of recommendation before we tag someone next time, too?:)

11:06 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

Wow, that was really good. No lemurs, even.

11:29 AM  
Blogger michele said...

Great writing i love a good
mystery,when is the book
coming out?

12:17 PM  
Blogger Geek said...

Sorry for the takeover. Shine, good.

12:46 PM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

I found it, finally (well, I admit, I used to be a blonde originally...)...

Now there will be sex on the weddingnight!!!

As IF you would be able to resist ME!!!

Wooo hahahahahahahahaha!!!

1:48 PM  
Blogger Cinderella said...

Thanks for not tagging me!! The only tag I like is when...

Oppse forget it!! =)

(It's Shannon, my new blog, btw)

You did very good work!!

2:04 PM  
Blogger Suze said...

Mr Fab, I just knew it was a bad idea reading this just after dinner.

Very well written and different. ;)

2:58 PM  
Anonymous 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) said...

IMPECCABLY WRITTEN Mr. Fabulous! You pulled me write into the story!

3:55 PM  
Blogger MsDemmie said...

Wot no lemurs ?

good job though !

4:33 PM  
Blogger zhadi said...

Come to San Francisco, Mr. Fab, and I will teach you to swordfight. Plus take you to the zoo four blocks away from our house. They have a magnificent lemur display with five types of lemurs in a huge enclosure. Many lemurs doing lemur things. Including lemurlove.

5:02 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Maritza--Well next time there is an underwear meme, help a brother out, will you? :)

Megan-I knew you were busy, sis, otherwise I would have TOTALLY picked you!

Janet--Well, that and a urine sample. Oh, what the heck, throw a stool sample in there as well...

3T--You are SO good for my ego!

Michele--God, I couldn't do hundreds of pages of that. That's HARD!

Geek--I enjoyed it, moonshine boy LOL

Zhadi--Swordfighting AND lemur love? I am SO there...

Lynda--I know you are disappointed. I will write a lemur story, I promise :)

Cinderella--Thanks! I am very excited about your new site!

Suze--It was the brains, wasn't it?

MsDemmie--Thank you, I appreciate that, my friend!

Dutchy--Can we go to one of those spas where everyone just lets it all hang out? :)

5:18 PM  
Blogger ablondeblogger said...

Oh no, a vomit scene!!! Did I ever tell you I have a vomitting phobia? Now I'm going to be traumatized for the rest of the day, lol!

6:09 PM  
Blogger michele said...

You have nothing to fear but
fear itself...i made that
Play like nike and just do it
you have skills son!

8:04 PM  
Blogger Violet said...

You know, I have to admit, that is a pretty cruel meme. Like, one that actually takes some concerted effort. But, you did it proud, Fab! Nice work.

9:34 PM  
Blogger Squid Vicious said...

I only tagged Tense because she tagged me first. MY theory on memes is that tagging someone is wrong. So tagging them back is equally wrong. I took enough college math to know that two negatives makes a positive, and that is just what this chapter was - a positive experience. Well, except for Karen. I guess her shoppe is now "Splattery Things and Vomitorium".

11:18 PM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

Fabulousness strikes again. A bit of glamour missing though. Maybe that will come later ;-)

It was just a bad idea to read your entry so early in the morning.

1:06 AM  
Anonymous K said...

Ceci est trop de lire. Je peux dire non plus en fran├žais.


1:46 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

ABB--I have a friend of mine who is like that too. Now I know two of your kind! :)

K--Umm...thanks? Does anyone know what that means?

Squid--Two negatives? Positive? Are you getting all mathy on me?

Violet--Thank you my friend. I certainly tried!

Michele--Thanks, Coach :)

CS--Look! And a glamorous new photo, too!

4:16 AM  
Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

Yesssss! All glamour and ... Huh?? Wait a minute... Where IS the glamour?!!?! OMG! I have to go change into something mote comfortable (glamourous)!!! Eeeeek!!

2:40 PM  

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